my newest reality... contd.

this post is a continuation of my attempt to catch everyone up to speed on what has happened over the last months since i stopped posting.

being a husband & dad makes it difficult to hide in the corner sucking my "poor me" thumb for very long.  there are always others in the room who are waiting to hear... concerned & anxious, balancing fear & hope just like i was only moments ago when i ran in ignorance.

i'd never hidden from beth anything that dr. lao has said to me before, and i didn't want to hide dr. vanwagnen's call from her either.  but i decided to hold the horse in the shoot until i could talk with dr. lao.  the timing of it all caught me off guard and i wanted his fuller oncological perspective to somehow put blanks in the shotgun i was about to unload on her.  but the longer dr. lao was unavailable, the more i wanted & need to be one with her again.

all through this thing, we'd agreed to be honest with the kids as well... telling them first... telling them everything.  we'd each pray, asking G*D for the best words and timing to help the kids stare down that same barrel we had.

it was never easy.  but it always seemed like G*D had answered our prayers.

i'm so proud of how each of them has handled the news every time we've had to load that shotgun over the past 2 years.  above all... i want them to be honest about all that they're thinking & feeling.  but sometimes it's hard to know what we're feeling.  so my biggest desires is that these challenges would lead them into intimacy with those around them... and especially with the G*D whose been faithful to me through the decades.

i guess "numb" is something we feel quite regularly these days.  which is probably a good thing.  numb is like G*D putting a funnel into our heads in order to regulate the flow of information to more tolerable levels.  so... we'll take numb... and even see it as a gift.

humor finds its place along this dark journey too.  it helps a great deal.  not that we use it to hide... although i'm sure we do at times.  but more so it reminds us that we mustn't take ourselves too seriously.  so we've had some laughs about how i used to have armpit cancer, and now i have butt-cheek cancer!  ian didn't think it was very funny at the time, but he's since come around.  laughter opens the door for a shift in perspective.

that next day, beth joined me for the appointment, ready with pen & notebook.  one by one our questions were answered with as much forthrightness & sensitivity as the situation demanded.  dr. lao has become a good friend to us both.  he ordered an mri to see if it was in my brain as well.  it wouldn't change the prognosis, but it would alter the treatment plan.  and he ordered a ct to get a better look at what was going on with my lungs.

since we needed to find out the results from the mri before we landed on a firm treatment plan... we could only discuss probably options at this point.  however... we left with a pretty good idea of what next.  we were leaning at staying at the u of m to participate in a clinical trial that our own favorite doc was administering.  it was showing some very promising results, but was in the extremely early stages of study.

it would involve 2 study drugs (one taken by mouth 2x/day & one received through a weekly infusion.)  neither of these drugs works like chemo.  instead of attacking all my bogy's cells, they only attack the bad ones.  the premise is this... cancer cells have a mechanism that tells them to keep living & reproducing.  normal cells don't have that mechanism.  so they run a normal life (& death) cycle.  so the intention is that these drugs will block the mechanism in the bad cells and free them to live (& die) like normal cells.

it's a very cool concept.  those just ahead of me in the initial trial were seeing some very promising results... although it was too early in the study to tell the long term benefits.  it all seemed very hopeful... or at least potentially so. 

but the conversation somewhat turned into a dark alley when he looked me in the eyes and said, "we need this treatment to work and work fast.  if we don't see some definitive results from this first 2-month phase, you won't have much time left."

Comments

[Janet Hurt]

Randy,
I pray this regimen will turn things around with your health. My heart hurts at what you all must be enduring. Precious Savior, please heal my friend. Continue to use and guide him and his family thru this valley where they have been living and let them bring You glory! My prayers continue for all of you.
His grace and peace,
Janet

[James]

I've heard about this treatment, and even talked about it a bit in class. There's definitely a lot of promise.

And it's encouraging to hear that you're hopeful. Peace on you =)

[Brandon]

Randy,
Very glad that you're blogging again. Tell the family we send our love and tell Ian to give me a call next week as I'm off for the holiday and would love to spend some time with him.
Blessings,
B