fogparty

lovin' spoonful...

john and dave have asked me to take a few minutes this weekend in fusion and bring everyone up to speed about my health situation.  many know already, but many don’t.

i’m thankful that i have the opportunity.  when we went through it with emma in our previous spot… i always felt the church missed learning some important lessons that can only be learned when a leader goes public with things like this.  yet i’m thankful G*D used it nonetheless.

it used to be that pastors never shared personal stuff.  i guess some pastors still operate that way.  it’s just easier and safer to maintain distance.  one pastor/mentor, whom i deeply respect to this day, advised me never to become close friends with anyone in my congregation.  i think i understand.  but i think it’s sad.  i’m glad i didn’t listen to him.

at the same time… sharing personal stuff in a public way has its hazards.

joe and i were talking about how the clash of public space and personal space creates a fascinating dynamic.  people who normally only relate to you in a public way, suddenly feel awkward… obligated to say something even if they don’t know what to say… or they completely avoid even making eye contact.  they think that to engage me in conversation would require them to bring “it” up.

it’s probably somewhat unrealistic to think it would be otherwise… but what i don’t like is the feeling that people now see me differently… like they can’t see me the way they used to see me.  but i refuse to let my health… or lack of it… define me.  i know it will mark me… but may it never define me.

so tomorrow i hope to give people permission to not have to go there… but rather just treat me like they did before.  i’m not asking them to exist with me in personal space.  i’m just asking for their prayers.

at the same time… i’m also hoping G*D will use this to help people engage others they know somewhat personally who are facing challenging times.  i’m certainly not the only one going through hard times.  and part of being the kingdom of G*D is living with the awareness that G*D places people in our paths (sometimes just for moments… sometimes for years) for whom we can spoon out a bit of Jesus for them to experience.

i’m hoping to live my life that way a bit more these days… keeping my eyes open for those “kaleisions”… those moments when i’m alive to the reality that i’m staring at someone who needs a spoonful.

christmas morning...

i think we started the tradition of visiting a nursing home on Christmas morning about 11 years ago.  it’s one of those things that we just can’t stop doing. 

we get up and do the stocking thing (which for us are the gifts we give to each other).  usually we read the story of Jesus’ birth first of all…

but this year the kids woke up late… and since we’d all read it the night before at westwinds… and since we knew we had to be at the nursing home on the other side of town by 11… we decided to just pray in group hug style. 

next year… remind me to make sure everyone has brushed their teeth before trying to endure an early morning sustained group hug prayer.

anyway… forgoing caroling at the nursing home is not an option any of us would consider… even if it meant rushing the presents.  we all love it.  on the way there we reminisced about the year beth and i considered not doing it… but the kids rebelled and insisted we go.  even last year when beth was sick and couldn’t join us… they didn’t flinch.  they did, however, admit there have been times when they wanted to stay home… but that once they’re there… they wouldn’t trade it for anything.

this year was no different.  usually we have a family or two join us.  but yesterday there were about 25 of us!  enough to split in two and cover the entire place.  it was great!

i love seeing the kids walk up to total strangers and put an arm around them… stroke their hair… look in their eyes… as we sing and bring a bit of love to these lonely souls.  sometimes the sights, sounds and smells are ones we’d rather avoid than embrace.  but the image of G*D is stamped on each face… and each year we see it more clearly than before.

pulling back into our driveway after an hour of giving yourself away on Christmas morning… well… it seems to completely change how we see all that stuff under the tree.

i love my family.

both and...

i’m reading through the book of acts these days.  fascinating...

sadly… i think it’s one of those books that gets shoved to the side and ignored because it either scares people into living in the freezer… or makes them fall over backwards inside an arena filled with thousands of “similarly susceptible to mind-control from crazy guys just wanting your attention and moolah” people.

either response is sad, because the book offers something critical to those who desire to live life with G*D.  i have to confess in all honesty… in the hundreds of times i’ve been asked “where should i read in the bible?”… i don’t think i’ve once recommended “acts” as a good place to start.  maybe i’m afraid they can’t handle it.  maybe i think it might scare them or make them crazy.  so… i guess i’m no different.  but this morning my reading got me thinking about something.

throughout my years i’ve been encouraged to read “acts” in one of two ways… either pre-scriptively or de-scriptively.  the first suggesting it tells us the amazing work that G*D wants to do through us everyday… what it looks like to live in the kingdom.  how it was then is how is should be today.  the second suggests it’s more of an intriguing historical record of the movement of G*D at one point in time… amazing and powerful, but certainly not the gold standard to measure current life and ministry against.

me?  i think this is one of those “both and” times that are a bit confusing to people who’ve been trained to see everything as green or red… left or right… good or bad… right or wrong.

i think the book of acts is describing how 1^st century G*D followers followed G*D in the 1^st century… their circumstances… their reality.  it’s the story of how they interacted with the movement of G*D according to their understanding of him… according to their personalities, emotions, intellects and circumstances.  and it tells the story of G*D interacting with them according to what he knew was important for them to experience and understand at the time.

but it’s also prescriptive in the sense that today our lives should be characterized by that same engagement and interaction… living in and with the presence of G*D. 

but i don’t think the results will be the same.  we can expect G*D to be moving in and around us… but in old ways and new ones…  …according to what he knows is good and right and best for these days in which we live.

so… reading “acts” with the both/and perspective reminds me that today is full of possibility because it’s full of G*D. 

and when i ask G*D to fill me up with his presence… anything can happen.

anything.

when...

what time was he born?

at midnight… with a full moon bright?

at two… with the world sleeping sound?

maybe three or half past…

…or just at the dawn while eyes fought the rays?

was it ten… when the streets teamed?

five or seven… as the shadows grew long...

…is that when he drew his first?

dark or day… it matters not.

but that he was…

but that he is…

but that he broke into time…

…and breathes inside me…     ...you...

…now.

tripping...

i’ve had quite a few questions… guesses… regarding why i use G*D.

options…

…my “O” key doesn’t always work.

…i forgot how to spell it.

…i never knew how to spell it in the first place.

…other

and the correct answer would be… “other.”

i was always intrigued by the jewish tradition of never pronouncing the name of The Almighty One… so much so that today no one really knows how to pronounce it.  and… often jews will write it G_d or something similar.   i love the respect these traditions convey. but beyond that… they communicate a great reality.

sometimes i use little props to help me engage a truth… especially one that easily tends to slip through the fingers of my mind.  over the years it’s been a tendency of mine to make The Incomprehensible comprehendible.  while i’m thankful that because of Jesus… and scripture… and nature… and all truth, we get a clearer taste test of The One Who is Beyond.  at the same time… i don’t want to ever fool myself into thinking that i can completely grasp all there is to know about The Transcendent One.

sometimes using words or phrases like the ones above help me.  (even though some avoid them because they sound new age… or eastern.)  they force me to unroof my image of The Creator.  but to help this cold heart of mine even further… a while back i decided to write “G*D” to help me remember that “G*D” is holy… beyond… transcendent… different from anyone or anything that reminds me of Him or describes Him to me.

so… it’s just something that trips my complacency… my familiarity… and reminds me that i’m not typing a word like any other person, place or thing.  i’m not typing just an ordinary name or title.  i’m typing a symbol for The One Like No Other. 

therefore… having to stop… capitalize… reach that middle finger up to the asterisk… capitalize… all creates a moment… a little bit of space for me to stop and look up through the skylight.

origins...

today i was honored to spend the day with some very special people… who i also happen to work with… who also happen to be my good friends.  a year ago when ben joined joe and i on staff at westwinds… i hoped it would become an awesome thing.  and it truly has.  so… spending the day dreaming about what G*D was in the middle of doing here for our students, parents and leaders was… well… fun & inspiring.  we saw G*D move among us in ways that can’t be understood except by being there.

i had to laugh though.  there was one point at which i felt like i entered a time warp. 

we were wrestling with focus elements for the coming year… one of which ben kept referring to as “spiritual formation.”  but i noticed that ben and joe were defining that term differently.  one was viewing it as the basic stuff to help ground people… the core truths, skills and experiences.  the other thought of it in broader terms… the process G*D uses to form us into the image of Christ.

it was a discussion i had multiple times with people at my previous church where at one point we had a “success plan for spiritual growth” consisting of 6-S words… get it?  “success = 6S”.  (i know… it wasn’t my idea… but at least we were trying)  the senior and i went round and round because the 2^nd “s” was “spiritual growth”.  he always thought of it like ben thought of spiritual formation… the disciplines, truths, etc. that help ground a person.  i agreed that was what we were trying to do with the second "s", but the term always made me think of the bigger thing… the bigger process... and i saw all the "s"'s as spiritual growth.

of course both are right… but unless you settle on how you’re going to use the terms… you’ll always have confusion.  so… back then… and yesterday in our conversation… i pushed for agreement and maybe coming up with a term that would be less confusing-able. 

as we bantered around terms… i used the word “competencies” which has been a big term for me i stole from joseph myers… and at some point i expanded it to “formative competencies.”  suddenly connected it with a term i'd been toying with for awhile that would work better for us.

and i think you’ll hear it a bit more often in our westwinds speak.

now… i’m not hungry for glory or anything… but just in case joe or ben should try to claim credit for creating this term…

well… you’ll know the truth.

results???

path report from the biopsy on my left armpit came back today and… just as expected… it only showed fatty tissue. 

so… dr. wang asked me to come back in just so he could feel around one more time to convince himself that he was correct in being concerned about what he had felt in my left armpit. 

and after the exam he said... “i may be wrong… but i’m pretty sure those are nodes i’m feeling and not fatty tissue.  i think they missed it.” 

my surgery has been scheduled for january 16^th.  dr. wang is going to talk with the doc who is scheduled to do my surgery… but he’s pretty sure they’re going to want to get another biopsy on the left arm nodes before the 16^th so they know whether or not to clean out the left pit in addition to the right pit.  that could happen on the 2^nd when i go in for pre-op.

and so we wait.

overlap...

today i visited with a man with one leg.  he’s also losing his eyesight… deals with constant pain… and will probably soon lose his other leg…  …on top of a bunch of other stuff going on in his life. 

our exchange ranged from wild laughter to watery eyes.

funny how it all matched up with my post from this morning.

funny how my life story overlapped with his.

funny how the story from acts 3 fit into both.

coincidence?

…i don’t think so.

let me dance in the fog...

i’ve been reading the story of how people in the first century attempted to allow the reality and presence of Jesus to renovate their every moment (as told in the book of acts).  it’s a fascinating read… especially if you refuse to analyze and just enjoy the story and let it take you into new stories.

the 3^rd chapter tells about this guy who hadn’t walked his entire 40+ years of life.  some people who were in the process of being transformed themselves, stumbled onto him… and decided to hand deliver a bit of Jesus.

now… i find it incredibly fascinating to think about what it must have been like to shift from no leg strength… complete immobility (no hover-rounds back then)… 40 years of looking up… of begging… of no hope…  …to jumping and leaping.  is it any wonder he couldn’t help but praise G*D?

as i understand the stories of scripture… they are less to be dissected and critiqued… and more to be engaged.  stories take me to new places of understanding… new thoughts.  they bounce around in my reality like flubber… knocking over things… forcing me to duck or dance or laugh.

so here’s what i’m thinking… 

…what do i have to complain about?

i mean…  i’m not ready to check out yet.  but at the same time, i can’t deny the fact that i have enjoyed so much more than many people in the world ever will.  more health… more riches… more fun… more friends… more opportunity… more freedom… more love.  i could go on.

when i see the news… and look at what so many endure daily… the simple pleasures they will never experience… that i take for granted…     …i cannot complain.

when i think of children suffering… from aids… from loneliness… from cancer… from abuse… from poverty…     …why should i even for one moment grumble about having melanoma?

when i think about the family of the young s.a.u. student killed last week… or the friend who was walking with him…     …why should i feel cheated if today is my last?

when i think about the people in this world who this morning woke up to the bomb blasts… or gun shots… or sirens…  …how can i waste one breath crying out to G*D for myself?

now… i think G*D understands when i do all these things. 

but Father, please don’t allow my reality to give me permission to ignore or become numb to the bigger picture… and may i never forget about the opportunities i have today to hand deliver Jesus to someone...   

…and the fact that all i see around me… and this new breath in my lungs…

are all evidence of your fresh mercy… just waiting for me to enjoy.

let me leap and jump and praise you too.

please open before dec. 25th...

ben did a great job speaking in fusion yesterday.  he’s a natural communicator… and has a wonderful way of creating visual images that make his talks engaging and colorful and living… and he’s fun too.

in our “pagan pageantry” series we’ve been helping people click the refresh button on christmas traditions… and look for new ways of expressing their appreciation and sense of G*D.  so this weekend he was talking about “gifts”… but shifted the emphasis from material gifts to the gift of presence… being present with G*D and with people.

as we’re present with G*D, he gives us greater freedom to look beyond ourselves … our plans, preferences, pre-occupations and petty concerns (aaaahhh!  i hate alliterating!!!) …freeing us to choose to give our undivided attention to the moment… and those who dwell in it with us.

so… he got me thinking. 

what is distracting me from this moment?  from enjoying Jesus in it?  from engaging others in it?  from simply or imaginatively or lavishly loving someone with it?

and a prayer i think i’ll pray tonight as i put my egg on the pillow…

LORD, please show me the moments i missed… the gifts yet unopened...

…and show me what got in the way. 

because tomorrow… i want to open each one.

years ago i made a sign for my office door to remind me to choose this option… and occasionally i’ve pulled it out. 

i think i need to pull out again.