fogparty

a needle... a plan... and a little perspective...

went for the thyroid nodule biopsy yesterday...

it was fascinating!

once again... i got to lie on my back and watch the whole thing on the ultrasound monitor... seeing the needle go in for the 6 passes it took to get enough tissue to make a diagnosis... each time amazed with how close it came to my pulsating carotid artery.  yikes!  doc... are you sure that student is ready to be practicing on me???

truly fascinating! 

i'll hear results later this week.

then a trip up to the clinic resulted in hearing that i've been placed in arm/group 1 of the clinical study... which means i'll get the same treatment emma got when she had her melanoma 5 years ago (interferon). 

bummer.  i was hoping for group 2... but since we have been asking G*D to put us in the group that would be best for my condition... now we have to walk in faith that he did indeed do that.

faith is always so much easier when G*D answers our prayers the way we thought he should answer them. 

anyway... on monday i'll head over to ann arbor... have a midline installed in my arm that will last for the entire month... and get the first of monday-friday infusions.  i'll have the weekends off.  and after the month... i'll give myself shots at home on monday, wednesday & fridays... for 48 weeks. 

i should be off work for at least 6 weeks.  they say that by that time i'll have a pretty good idea of how i'm going to respond to the injections.  most people are able to go back to work at that time.  i'm hoping and praying that will be true for me.

of course they'll watch me closely along the way... and if my liver goes wacky... they'll give me a break.

since beth is heavy into her new job... we're lining up people who live in jackson and work in ann arbor to drop me off at the hospital on their way in... then beth or someone can pick me up after my infusion which takes 3 hours each day.  that way beth can keep things somewhat normal with work.

of course... westwinds is being great about it all.  and emma is already coaching me on what to expect.  and i have an incredible family.  what more could i ask for?

yesterday... when i was at the u of m... i was walking down the big corridor behind a young lady pushing a wheelchair.  she had a bad case of scoliosis and as i passed her, i noticed she was pushing her oxygen tank in the wheelchair.

wow... a quick reminder that my situation is nothing compared to what so many have to deal with every day of their entire life.

beth said her dad used to always say... "be kind... everyone is fighting a battle."

good words.

that's slick...

i think there are a few basic reasons G*D invented children.

one... kids keep us humble

two... kids keep us honest... or at least it's supposed to work that way.

three... kids remind us of the little lessons we too easily forget.

four... kids teach us things we were supposed to have learned, but didn't.

so... i'm driving down king road with my 17 year old.  the road had some snow on it, but didn't seem slick.  after coming to the stop at dearing... he said to me... "dad, you really should have started stopping sooner, just in case..."

i mumbled agreement... mentally justified my actions by reasoning that they do a pretty good job of throwing sand at the intersection... and reflected on the number of times i've said those words while pressing my foot into the floorboard as he drove.

a few days later...  by myself... same intersection... i'm running behind (no comments ben!).

i brake... but my nothing happens.  i slide completely through the intersection... thankful no one else was there to greet me... chastened once again by my son's words.

this morning... same intersection... road "looked" good.  but out of caution and with his words still stinging my tush... i began braking early, only to find the road was indeed slick and i needed the extra distance to stop... which i did...

...just as an 18 wheeler barrelled through the intersection.

i love kids.

soul food...

i've been noticing that i'm pushing people away.

i'm not sure why...  but i think it's a mixture of pride, being uncomfortable in uncharted waters, hating being the center of attention, awkwardness, mentally preparing for the battle that lies ahead, remnants of depression and... ...stinking armpits.

so... i'm fighting shrinking into my hole by intentionally owning up to my trajectory with several close friends... and i guess now with this post.  i know in my head that it's foolish to try to tackle alone what stares me in the face... and that process of learning to be weak in front of others is also part of my healing.

looking back now over my week... i see all too clearly how G*D has been nudging me into the laps of others.  so... the following is just one story of many.

on wednesday, we had our usual early evening meeting at nomad to move forward in fleshing out our new partnership with a.o.e.t. in uganda.  i'll admit... more than the meeting... i was looking forward to having a bit of time with a friend aferwards who connects with my heart at subterranean levels.  but during the meeting, a young guy came in to the bookhouse who i hadn't seen in more than 6 months.  and i wondered if my post-meeting time would take a turn.

he is one of those people... like i've mentioned before... who for some reason connected with my heart in seconds the first time we talked.  i can't explain it.  over the years i've begun to view them as beautiful kaleisions.  and... he wouldn't see it that way.  this guy left his faith a few years back... and has no use for it anymore... and definitely doesn't see our connection as anything but two people who enjoy each other's company.

he gently interrupted to say hi while in my meeting... and he was still sitting at a table when it finished... so i joined him.

even though i've run into this guy maybe 4 times in 2 years, each time our conversations move into the personal almost instantly.  it's like we feel honored to have time with each other.  tonight was no different.

as we talked, he unveiled dimensions to his journey that were intiguing to say the least.  his mind thinks in amazing ways and his questions and conclusions about life are fascinating.  i found myself thinking that if more people wrestled with these types of questions, the world would be better for it.

our talks are never argumentative.  i guess if there's anything my age has taught me, it's that i shouldn't try to control people to my convictions and beliefs.  besides... most of his issues with the church and christianity have been or are my own. 

in the conversation, he confessed a fear that his questioning of faith might weaken mine.  i struggled to stifle laughter.  but in all honesty, i found his concern to be one of the most loving expressions anyone has ever given me.

i've always gravitated to people who think and feel life deeply.  and i'm honored when they choose to be transparent and present with me.  i'm also intrigued by the reality that this guy... in spite of his struggles... feeds me in ways few others do.  everytime i run into him... he offers me something rare... honesty, vulnerability, and acceptance in spite of disagreement.  and i'd like to think it goes both ways.

we stayed and talked long past closing... until they finally had to kick us out... and then we stood outside and talked some more... discussed getting together intentionally rather than these random collisions.  he said he felt selfish wanting more time to talk.  i said i didn't mind... to which he said, "then, let's be selfish."

and as i walked away... i felt like i'd just opened a wonderful gift.  i found myself encouraged, strengthened and loved...

...and reminded that climbing into a hole will only result in missing the color...

...and fresh air...

...and life giving kaleisions.

it's funny... not until i started writing this post did i begin to put all the pieces together of what G*D has been trying to help me understand.  but hindsight reveals multiple ways he was reminding me that he's got my back. 

You're incredible.

twist...

regarding those tests i had on tuesday...

everything went smoothly for the most part.  they had me scheduled pretty tight... so not much waiting.

only real glitch came with the various needle pokes.  since they've removed the lymph nodes from my right arm... which happens to be where all my juicy, easy to spot veins are... now they'll only use my left arm... where my veins prefer to play hide and seek.

so... maybe could i ask you to pray for succulent, extrovert left arm veins?

one of the scans revealed a nodule on my thyroid that will have to be biopsied before i can begin treatment.  but they were quick to inform me that it is highly unlikely to be cancerous and even more unlikely to be melanoma. 

we've heard that before...

but a little research on the net tells me a majority of men my age have a nodule on their thyroid and that 95% are not cancerous. 

still... since our family has a way of beating the odds on most things... your prayers would be appreciated.

they're trying to schedule the biopsy for the coming week... however if they are unable to do so... it will push my treatment back a bit.  monday i should hear when it will be scheduled... and by tuesday morning i'll know which arm/group i'm in for the clinical study. 

i'm asking G*D to place me in the group that will give me the treatment that is best for my reality.

do not open until...

a strange thing, this lull

like december as a child... gifts silently waiting... enticing us with bows and shimmers of red, silver and gold.  don't parents remember the pain of suspense...  spending sleepless eternities in imagination only to wake to more dreams and "is it"s? 

to not know is both torture and the ultimate lesson of life.

it is in waiting that we discover the truth about ourselves...

...and learn to trust the heart of the One who places all things under the tree.

and so i wait... 

all the time hoping for something fun...

...but fearing it's just underwear... or my aunt's fruit cake.

processing...

haven't been posting this week.  i think that means i'm a little overwhelmed at trying to ready myself for the coming weeks... or that i'm simply doing a lot of internal processing...

probably both.

which means you're guaranteed to be subjected to some external ramblings in the near future.  lucky you.

said "good-bye" to my drainbuddy last week.  feels good to be back to the normal morning routine plus a few exercises for physical therapy.

today is "test" day.  leaving in a few minutes to head over to uofm.  5 tests.  so glad they scheduled them all together.

the fog seems a bit heavier these days... which always reminds me of my choices...

...control... (or try to)

...actively rest in G*D's love, strength and wisdom

...fear

and the answer is...

seven minutes to wonder...

looking out the window just now… in my mind i can still remember watching the snow fall outside barnes hospital.  just like tonight.

the whole thing caught us off guard.  we hadn’t even finished lamaze classes!

but everything changed, just the same.

beth had experienced some bleeding just as we attempted to call it a night.  a trip to the e.r…. beth’s blood pressure dangerously high… then an ambulance ride downtown the next morning just in case the baby needs extra care.  this can’t be good.

a day later… it’s finally time. 

time?  whose time?

a final push.

silence. 

isn’t she supposed to cry?

silence…

2 neonatologist and 2 nurses work quickly.

silence… 3 minutes… 4 minutes

our doc quietly asks the other docs... hoping we can’t hear… “is she going to be okay?”

“we don’t know yet.”  he responds.

5 minutes…

“what’s her name?” we’re asked. “jennifer margaret,” beth replies.  did we agree upon that? 

six.

pictures… i better take pictures.  these may be the only ones of her… …cold thoughts run through my head.

a nurse appears and informs the docs they are needed next door immediately. 

they don’t budge.

seven minutes…

a cry…  …a beautiful tiny cry.

…followed by 19 years of wonderful noise.

what a night…

…what a girl.

this would be the first of many lessons of trust.

each an experience i wouldn’t wish upon anyone.

each an experience i wouldn’t trade for the world.

have a ball...

a conversation with a friend forced me to re-engage a foundational element of life in the kingdom.

this friend’s been stewing over some things in his life… heavy responsibilities… overwhelming expectations… that sort of thing.  we’ve all been there and most likely will be there again soon.

often… i find it’s the feeling of being there that’s the killer. 

there’s ample advice for the “how to” of walking this kind of terrain.

…start someplace.

…just start.

…break it down into bite size chunks.

…tackle something easy first.

…swallow the hardest part and then everything else will be a breeze.

…on and on.

helpful.  but not so much when overwhelming turns into anxiety.  then advice just adds to the pressure.

and that’s where my friend is… so all my advice… quoting scripture… and motivational pep talks don’t help much.  it reminded me of dealing with the same issue with my kids when they were dealing with worry when they were small and too little to understand big concepts like “trust.”  you feel so helpless. of course just being with them is key.

but how do you get through to someone when they are so emotionally connected to the problem that logic isn’t helpful? that’s why quoting scripture isn’t usually helpful to people caught in their emotions.  that’s when they have to experience the truth behind the scriptures.

i can remember so vividly sitting on their bed… thinking about 1 peter 5:7

“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”

and wondering how in the world i could help my emotionally distraught child understand?  that’s when this idea came to mind.  i’d like to think it was specially delivered.

i spotted a ball in the room and brought it over.  i asked my child to try to imagine placing what they were worried about onto the ball.  then i asked them to throw the ball to me.

it took awhile for all the layers to seep in to their little heart.  but we eventually got there.  and it helped that child sleep knowing that anytime they woke up in the night… all they had to do was look at the ball on the other side of the room… and imagine who was holding it.

this exercise was concrete enough that it gave them a taste of the freedom they were to experience as they gave their concern over to Jesus.

sometimes experiencing truth is more important that understanding it.

so… today the illustration still helps… for me as an adult... and for my friend.. and sometimes for my growing kids. 

sure… it gets adjusted.  for instance… it’s harder to imagine casting a care to Jesus when it’s your personal responsibility to deal with it.  so… as i talked with my friend this week, i asked them to imagine putting all their concerns on the ball… handing it over to G*D… G*D putting his arm around my friend… and them walking forward to tackle those responsibilities together. 

but the ball stays in Jesus’ hands the whole time.  and Jesus (with all his wisdom and strength and peace) always remains “arm around your shoulder” close.

living now in the kingdom is all about living in the difference Jesus' presence makes in our reality.

i love it.

thanks G*D.  and thanks for caring about us… even when we have trouble trusting.

creed...

a couple of weeks ago, coriolis (the weird name we have for our 3-headed monster, shared leadership thing at westwinds), spoke together in fusion (the weird name we have for our the “all-church” gathering each week).  i love it when we do that… and people comment that it gives them a good feel for the dynamics bouncing around when the 3 of us interact.

we’d been looking for a way to pull our people together around our common quest… to follow Jesus… wherever they might happen to be at this point along the way.

months ago, i’d written a “statement of engagement” to help people assess where they are on journey to know Jesus… and to help with the various conversations that stir people to keep moving.  i’d been frustrated at how churches tend to see people through an “in” or “out” lense based upon what a person believes or how they behave.

not that believing things… or even believing right things isn't important.  and not that behavior is unimportant either.  i’m just more certain that G*D also calls us to focus on loving people who don’t believe and don’t behave… a whole lot better than we have.

so… the 3 of us unpacked our “WE” creed, covenant, statement of engagement… or whatever we want to call it… and asked people to begin to wrestle with how they understand its words.  i felt like G*D helped me come up with verbiage that would be simple enough for a newer and unknowledgeable follower to engage… and yet contain nuances that would challenge the most marinated in our midst.

the “WE” creed is not “pass/fail”.  it’s about conversation on the journey.  it’s about uniting around our common quest… the essence of what and who we follow.

and after we explained it… we challenged people to come to the center and sign a huge collage stamped with our “WE” logo... and pick up a card with the creed on the front… and questions on the back to help them wrestle and engage it in growing ways.

as a pastor… it was a wonderful experience.  and as “coriolis:journey”… this creed lays somewhat of a foundation for the future of the journey area of westwinds.

i’m excited.

if you’re interested… click here to head our webpage, find "the westwinds podcast" section on the right and click "covenant" to listen in.

the olfactories of life...

                                              sorry... sometimes i just have to find ways to release the pressure.

first it was the comment from my son to his sister...

                       "dad smells like a nursing home."

ooooh... that kind of stung.  but he's right.  i prefer to think of it as that clean antiseptic hospitally smell... an indication that i'm doing what i should during this season of post-surgery.  wonder what smell adventures await me in the next month or so!  i won't take time to speculate.

but as the days pass... a new scent has materialized to mask the rubbing alcohol.  i guess it's inevitable when you can't wear deodorant for 2 months.  no one's complained to me so far.  but it makes me uncomfortable and reminds me of the days of holding my arms tightly to my side after recess or gym class... hoping no one would notice.

so...

i've been thinking about how much of a haughty smeller i tend to be.  beth always says my nose is way too sensitive.  but... i figure that's just the way i am.  i can't control my nose, can i?

but now that the shoe's on the other foot... i think i might be experiencing "nasal confusion".

this recent aromatic detour has brought up a whole new set of questions...

"why do smells have such power... influencing opinion, decisions and impressions?"  "is that true in every culture?"

"are some smells morally right?"  certainly "scent association" isn't something i learned in school.  although... i really did like how mrs. brown... my 3rd grade teacher, smelled.

"do i have the right to formulate an opinion of someone based on how they smell?" 

the apostle paul says we smell like christ to G*D... like life to some... and like death to others. i guess beauty is in the nostrils as much as it is in the eyes.

does that mean that G*D always likes the way i smell?... am i positionally fragrant?  or when we come to Jesus does he squirt us with his favorite scent? 

i'm convinced there are some smells that G*D never intended us to whiff... except maybe in hell.  wow... that's a thought.  what if there is this section that is way beyond sulfur? 

the o.t. talks about some things are a "pleasing aroma" to G*D.  so... there must be some that are un-pleasing... or at least less pleasing. (i'm a little concerned that someone might read this blog and start marketing "christian" cologne.)

so... when we make bad choices, does an unpleasing smell some how become attached to us? if so, maybe I should consider a scent assessment when considering who should lead in ministry... similar to how dogs can sometimes sniff out things like cancer...

but... everything G*D created he said was good.  so...

were "day 2 smells" good good smells, but "day 4 smells" good bad smells?  when adam let one rip after eating all those fruit and veggies, did he refuse to do anything about it even when eve insisted, because he knew it was "very very good"?  could this be evidence of when fire was first invented?  after all... they were the perfect......... ...match.

of course i'm just having some fun. 

at the same time... if i'm honest with myself... "smell" has played a bigger role in my life selections than it should have.  not that cleanliness isn't important.

but maybe i should think more carefully about how much it impacts my perspective...  of self and others.

because frankly... prejudice in any form...

just stinks.