fogparty: soul food...

i've been noticing that i'm pushing people away.

i'm not sure why... but i think it's a mixture of pride, being uncomfortable in uncharted waters, hating being the center of attention, awkwardness, mentally preparing for the battle that lies ahead, remnants of depression and... ...stinking armpits.

so... i'm fighting shrinking into my hole by intentionally owning up to my trajectory with several close friends... and i guess now with this post. i know in my head that it's foolish to try to tackle alone what stares me in the face... and that process of learning to be weak in front of others is also part of my healing.

looking back now over my week... i see all too clearly how G*D has been nudging me into the laps of others. so... the following is just one story of many.

on wednesday, we had our usual early evening meeting at nomad to move forward in fleshing out our new partnership with a.o.e.t. in uganda. i'll admit... more than the meeting... i was looking forward to having a bit of time with a friend aferwards who connects with my heart at subterranean levels. but during the meeting, a young guy came in to the bookhouse who i hadn't seen in more than 6 months. and i wondered if my post-meeting time would take a turn.

he is one of those people... like i've mentioned before... who for some reason connected with my heart in seconds the first time we talked. i can't explain it. over the years i've begun to view them as beautiful kaleisions. and... he wouldn't see it that way. this guy left his faith a few years back... and has no use for it anymore... and definitely doesn't see our connection as anything but two people who enjoy each other's company.

he gently interrupted to say hi while in my meeting... and he was still sitting at a table when it finished... so i joined him.

even though i've run into this guy maybe 4 times in 2 years, each time our conversations move into the personal almost instantly. it's like we feel honored to have time with each other. tonight was no different.

as we talked, he unveiled dimensions to his journey that were intiguing to say the least. his mind thinks in amazing ways and his questions and conclusions about life are fascinating. i found myself thinking that if more people wrestled with these types of questions, the world would be better for it.

our talks are never argumentative. i guess if there's anything my age has taught me, it's that i shouldn't try to control people to my convictions and beliefs. besides... most of his issues with the church and christianity have been or are my own.

in the conversation, he confessed a fear that his questioning of faith might weaken mine. i struggled to stifle laughter. but in all honesty, i found his concern to be one of the most loving expressions anyone has ever given me.

i've always gravitated to people who think and feel life deeply. and i'm honored when they choose to be transparent and present with me. i'm also intrigued by the reality that this guy... in spite of his struggles... feeds me in ways few others do. everytime i run into him... he offers me something rare... honesty, vulnerability, and acceptance in spite of disagreement. and i'd like to think it goes both ways.

we stayed and talked long past closing... until they finally had to kick us out... and then we stood outside and talked some more... discussed getting together intentionally rather than these random collisions. he said he felt selfish wanting more time to talk. i said i didn't mind... to which he said, "then, let's be selfish."

and as i walked away... i felt like i'd just opened a wonderful gift. i found myself encouraged, strengthened and loved...

...and reminded that climbing into a hole will only result in missing the color...

...and fresh air...

...and life giving kaleisions.

it's funny... not until i started writing this post did i begin to put all the pieces together of what G*D has been trying to help me understand. but hindsight reveals multiple ways he was reminding me that he's got my back.