by the way... i wrote most of this before my last post.
this place where i find myself is an interesting one.
almost every week, my situation looks bleaker... at least from a medical perspective. if you've looked at any stats about melanoma... you quickly find that the survival rate for my type and stage of cancer is pretty low. not that survival is unheard of... it's just not likely.
and the longer things go... the worse they look.
but let's spin it a different direction. these cancer cells have been in my body for 16+ years. so from that angle... even if i died today, i've already defied the odds. on top of that, their knowledge of treating cancer has greatly increased over those years. so, from a medical perspective, you might say i have a better chance of beating it now than ever before.
from a spiritual perspective, things look even better. i choose to take the perspective that G*D not only created the world... but that he remains active in the world. now i can't say a whole lot more than that. for instance... i don't know where he draws the line when deciding what he will and won't do. and i'm not a fatalist. i believe he is both pro-active and responsive... and that he calls us into a relationship with him that is dynamic... interactive. so... he invites us to a dance... to engage him in our perceived reality. to ask. to trust.
because i believe G*D to be all-powerful, i believe he is able to do anything. because i believe him to be completely wise, i believe he knows what is best in even the most complex situations. because i believe G*D to be infinitely loving, i believe he treats me with respect and dignity and compassion. because i believe G*D is transcendent, i believe his ways are ultimately above our ability to completely understand. because i believe there was great purpose behind his son dying on that cross, i believe he is in the process of restoring all things... making everything right... and using us in the process.
which brings me back to the importance of thinking through the practical implications of our faith.
if my faith is a "faith for" kind of faith rather than a "faith in" kind... at some point i may be forced to let go of that thing i'm having faith for G*D to do... like, when it is clear that G*D isn't going to do it. at some point "reality" meets "faith for" and one has to bow to the other. either the thing we've been praying for becomes reality... or reality overides the thing we've been praying for. at those times, denial can numb us to the inevitable... but eventually we may have to stare it in the face.
when i have "faith in" kind of faith... reality doesn't change my faith. the two coexist... and my faith in G*D allows me to rise above my circumstances without denying them. (ironically, that actually alters my reality even if the facts don't change)
but at some point the boxing match between "faith for" and "reality" has to end with a winner. while "faith in" is always the champ.
but i'm getting off track... ...sorry.
obviously, even though i'm a "faith in" kind of guy... i'm still asking G*D to physically heal me. i have no question that G*D can do it. but i have no clue as to whether or not he will in the way i want him to. i'm humbled by the other ways he's already healed me in these circumstance... (click here to see my post on "a developing theology of healing" if you're curious as to what i mean. up to this point in my journey, G*D has brought healing to my life in almost every other way than the physical)
so even though i'm primarily a "faith in" kind of guy... i still have "faith for" G*D to do some amazing things. one is a faith built on my confidence in G*D's character. the other is a faith born out of desire. a child jumps off the edge of the pool and into the water because she is confident her dad is strong enough to catch her. faith in. a child keeps asking for a pony because she is convinced she really really needs it and that her dad loves her. faith for.
both are active kinds of faith. verbs.
so... i keep asking G*D to heal me because i think i really really should stick around a bit longer. faith for. but beneath my asking is a thicker layer that reminds me to rest in the wisdom and love of G*D to ultimately do what he decides to do. faith in.
but don't be confused.
G*D invites us into both a "faith in" and "faith for" relationship.
leave one or the other out... and you don't really have a relationship.
so... in all of our life circumstances... we trust... and we ask... and we trust... and we ask... and we trust... the two must go hand in hand for those who follow Jesus.
sometimes the hard part is to keep asking without slipping into demanding faith or angry faith or frustrated faith or formula faith or "this verse says you have to" faith or "i know better than you" faith or convincing faith. we stop trusting him... and simply become "trusting him for" kind of people... or worse. (disclaimer: i think we travel through all of these faith forms in our lives. it's the story of scripture)
sometimes the harder part is to keep on asking... especially when things look bleak. we give up on his love and wisdom. we get frustrated that he doesn't seem to be doing what we want him to do... or he's not doing it fast enough... or the way we would do it! or... we surrender to what we believe to be the inevitable will of G*D... sometimes we fall into despair. (disclaimer: these too are normal in our faith development journey and probably inevitable at times. i'm thankful G*D is patient and understanding.)
but in doing so, we may miss the very thing G*D is doing that has remained beyond our grasp... although it may look different that our request. often in hindsight we recognize and laugh at the way G*D has chosen to answer the heart of our prayer rather that our words... and in ways that were more wonderful than we could have dreamed or imagined or asked for.
i think the hardest part... at least for me at times and especially now... may be in trusting and asking until i can see the answer. if he's gonna say "no", i'd rather hear it sooner than later so i can readjust my thinking... or if the answer is "yes", i always think it's more fun to sit excitedly anticipating what his "yes" will look like in all its magnificence.
sometimes he shows his hand. usually he doesn't. for too many years i fought the dark... the waiting... the fog.
but in the "both/and"... in the waiting... lies the sweetness of intimacy with the Almighty. there the music plays that quickens my feet for the dance. there the party begins.
there in his lap he holds me in my uncertainty... and the pounding in his chest reminds me that he is excited to be with me... and for the future that lies ahead for us both.
he delights in my requests.
i rest in the beat of his heart... ...and wait.
AMEN
Posted by: beth | May 26, 2007 at 11:44 PM
Beautiful. Thanks.
Posted by: Terry Younkin | May 27, 2007 at 09:29 AM