most of my posts are developed in a matter of minutes. something grabs hold of my mind and you get the benefit of my unfiltered thoughts and emotions. but over the last couple of weeks, i've been working on a post that has forced me to wrestle... with how to articulate my thoughts... with whether my thoughts were worth articlating... with whether i agreed with my thoughts. eventually i came to realize there were several different posts... related, but separate. this is the first.
a few months ago... when i moved from "healthy" to "unhealthy" in people's minds... i began noticing subtle but interesting changes in the language and posture of many around me.
of course, some opted out of the conversation immediately. just too uncomfortable. i guess that's normal and to be expected. i understand and love them anyway.
for many others i was curiously and suddenly drafted to the "frontlines"... "fighting"... "battling"... "in the middle of a war" for my life. unconsciously i'm sure, i felt people loading 2 things onto my back... desperation and responsibility. they felt i had to do something... and i had to do it now! i had to fight.
"it was like i was in a dream. it was dark... and a mist surrounded me. when suddenly the fog separated to reveal 3 objects lying on the ground at my feet. not knowing what the beast was like that waited for me in the long journey ahead... i picked them all up... assuming they each must have value for my enemy's demise... even though they were heavy and i felt clumsy as i carried them.
one... prayer (what i'd come to view as the simple conversations with G*D about all of life's joys, struggles and details) was different somehow. now it was a "weapon" that required special insight, understanding, training, expertise and diligence in order to ensure my "victory".
two... education. i needed to prepare my mind by learning everything i could about my disease, its cause, options for treatment, etc. was another key to victory... including every doctor, every treatment & home remedy that has helped a cousin's neighbor's friend's aunt.
three... positive thinking... and/or being convinced that G*D would heal me... was the other essential element to a successful war strategy. many religious & non-religious called it "faith". losing was not to be considered as a possibility if i wanted to win, that is. if things weren't heading in the right direction in my fight... a ruthless self-examination was required to root out anything negative/sinful (after all... that is "the secret"). or... i had to "believe harder", and refuse to be double-minded / believe without doubting... just hold on a little longer... god is testing you to see if you can hold on before he blesses you with this healing. don't give up.
if i was going to win this war. i had to fight for my life... at all levels. or so i was told.
i get the reasoning behind this shift to a war mentality for situations like mine... and agree that each of the big 3 have their place... and that there are many helpful/important elements of truth behind these postures. but now that i'm the one fighting the war, i see that individually and collectively, these things place a whole lot of pressure on already burdened people... putting them in a "win-lose" sporting event... and making them responsible for things beyond their complete control. sending them on an endless quest for information.
worst of all... they potentially lure the sufferers away from the peace and strength that could be theirs if their confidence was instead in the One who is wise and good and more than able to fight (and win) on my behalf. the One who is much bigger than the simple drama of my life... and much wiser than my personal wishes.
that doesn't mean one should not fight. maybe it's just fighting differently.
experientially for me these days... now that it's taking so long for me to "win", i'm living the weaknesses in the thinking of our culture... christian and non-christian. i see the discomfort in the eyes and emails of many. and while much of that is concern as my situation continues... i think i'm also observing a hopelessness that goes beyond concern for my health. something that exposes the cracks in their/our thinking... ... as well as the terminology that thinly masks it.
i'm beginning to realize that for many people, christians and otherwise, the "war against illness" is ultimately about their war against death. to many, death is failure. it's disappointing... it's embarrassing... awkwardly protruding out of an otherwise neatly shrink-wrapped theology or worldview. we're supposed to win! aren't we? and of course, when people die... we wouldn't dare say "they're a failure." but that's exactly what we are doing when we heap on their backs a responsibility to "win" when its something that is beyond their complete control.
G*D invites us to LIFE that is different than positive thinking or even formulaic christianity. LIFE is what we experience when we live in the presence of G*D at all times.
if i'm involved in a fight, it's a personal fight to keep placing my confidence in G*D when things aren't going the direction i'd prefer. that's the fight i don't want to lose... so to speak. because to lose it leads me to a place far worse than death. desperation and responsibility ultimately lead to hopelessness when we face things too big for us to control. but the fight to keep my faith in G*D as God even when i'm tempted to become consumed with my circumstances is a fight that is within my power to win. and it's G*D's desire for me as well.
following Jesus is more about living out my hope in G*D, than it is hoping that G*D will do what i want.
so... although my current reality definitely involves pain at all levels... even though i have a responsibility to do what i can... i recognize that my basic life choice still comes down to whether or not i'm going to trust G*D... or trust something else. that's why Jesus is so important to me. he began helping me see G*D differently... understanding him to be someone big enough, loving enough, wise enough and close enough to begin to trust.
slowly he trained me in a faith that was more about trusting him... ...than about trusting him for.
live with that kind of faith... ... add cancer, pain, unemployment or any other real life difficulty... and nothing really changes...
except...
...you're never alone.
...your hope, peace or joy aren't contingent upon your circumstances.
...you can fight with G*D's strength pumping through your veins
...you can see the good in what seems so evil.
...you can trust G*D for your family and friends and dreams.
...you can live without the pre-occupation of needing to find, do, buy, swallow, inhale, believe, abandon or pray the one thing that will make all the pain disappear.
...you can live each day free to live for G*D instead of yourself.
...you can laugh at your cancer... knowing that it can never beat you.
Lord... i do trust you. help my untrust.
Excellent! Everyone struggling through hardship, illness in particular, needs to read your God inspired words. I am humbled to know such a man of God.
Posted by: Rick Lingenfelter | May 19, 2007 at 12:48 PM
I love the way you are thinking Randy. My wife is chronically ill, and we have experienced the same reception of her disease as you have with cancer.
Our minds began to change when we realized that there was absolutely nothing we could do to change the situation and reached a point of peace you seem to have found. When we announced this peace we were told we were being complacent and laying down our weapons Well meaning people tried to take what we knew God had given us. We developed thick skin and understanding for those who loved us but had never walked this path themselves.
I think your post is a good representation of what Job was saying in his famous quote "Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord." In that comment is a true lesson in peace. My being is out of my hands and in His, so while I can converse with Him and let Him know how I feel, what's going on, and ask for help, everything about me is up to Him, so there is no need for me to try to take the responsibility for my well being out of His hands. We tried in the beginning. I fasted a month, prayed for hours on end, had the elders anoint my wife's head with oil and pray, tried to live more righteously (strictly), and watched the peace and health this regiment was supposed to bring to me and my wife - disappear. She just wanted to be left alone because the energy required for her to open her eyes every morning was being spent on religious formulas. She became angry, not that she was sick, but from the pressure those around us were placing on her.
We were warned that we needed to tear down heaven in order to get healing, and questioned as to weather our faith was lacking or there was hidden sin in our lives... In the end we learned to rely on the peace that passes understanding and to love Him in sickness and in health. We have faced nothing since that has remotely shaken our confidence in Him. What you have learned from this will never be taken from you because it has become part of you as it has us. Live in this peace.
We love you guys,
Matt, Cindy and Lizzy Brennecke
Posted by: The Cripple | May 19, 2007 at 01:15 PM
Thanks, Randy.
We love you,
Ruthann
for Marty and Natalie, too
Posted by: Ruthann | May 19, 2007 at 06:25 PM
Randy, thanks for the wonderful message. It makes me think of the Scott Wesley Brown song that says, "Keep your eyes upon Jesus, He keeps His eyes on you." Being "strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might" isn't about beating the physical disease of cancer. It's about relying on Him for everything. We all have cancer, we're all facing the same end on this earth. You haven't changed because He hasn't changed, and that's one thing I really love about you, brother!
Posted by: Brian Bennett | May 20, 2007 at 11:11 AM
Then the man said, "Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel because you have wrestled with God and with men and you have overcome."
From that day Jacob was forever changed...you have wrestled with men and no doubt with God. You will never be the same
Judy Martin
Posted by: Judy | May 20, 2007 at 07:44 PM
Randy...
Thanks for ministering to me via you blog and this comment: "following Jesus is more about living out my hope in G*D, than it is hoping that G*D will do what i want." Prayed for you RIGHT NOW.
Posted by: Bill Allison | May 22, 2007 at 12:11 PM
Randy, thanks for making it OK for me not to be worried about you. I really do believe you are in His hands and I'm trusting Him too... and asking for more faith.
- joe
Posted by: joe neill | May 23, 2007 at 11:43 AM
randy...
you wax so eloquent in your blog i feel dumb even commenting so as not to take away from what you've said. Last night at our band rehearsal, we usually start w/ prayer. I asked the band if we could pray for you and for your family. i explained who you are and about your kids and wife, westwinds, etc...and this stillness just came over the room. We were all so deeply moved...we really didn't know how to pray exactly, but i have to say that the worship that took place after our time of prayer during rehearsal was immensely powerful. we have been and are continuing to fervently intercede on your and your family's behalf. You are loved...not in a kid-glove way, but deeply, authentically & full frontal hug..ly. :)
peace from your family in charlotte...
Posted by: taryn | May 24, 2007 at 10:01 PM