fogparty

now for the details...

i mentioned that dr. lao was recommending an aggressive regimen for me.  again... this all depends on what my scans indicate.  but assuming they show no cancer or cancer only in my right armpit area... this is what he thinks will help.

starting june 11th... i would have a central line installed in my chest and be admitted to the u of m where i will spend the next 6 days being bombarded with a chemo/bio mixture of drugs.  he said that usually patients don't remember their time in the hospital. 

sounds lovely.

then i'll come home to recover for 2-3 weeks.  and then about the time i'm feeling pretty good... we'll do it all over again.  and then again.  and maybe a fourth time depending on how i'm tolerating it.  after all is said and done, he's saying i'll need at least a month after that just to recover.

lots of risks.  pretty intense stuff.  like he said... it's aggressive.

so... i have to decide whether or not that's what i want to do.  and like a friend recently encouraged me... i'm the only one who can make that decision.

in all honesty... it's pretty scarey. 

beth and i have known several people who chose not to do treatment and instead do an intense nutrition thing... without success.  but who knows if things would have really been different had they done the treatment.

another person i've talked to did a treatment to root out her melanoma and miraclulously her situation has remained the same for 7 years.  the cancer didn't disappear... it just stopped growing.  the doctors are baffled.

which brings me back to the bottom line.  my faith is in G*D... not in my ability to make the right decision... not in a treatment... not in anything else, just him.  and yet... i ask him for guidance... and trust him to guide.

i'm asking for wisdom and insight these days.  i won't have to make a decision until after the 6th.  until then... even though i have my geyser moments and my jacob matches... for the most part, we don't fear much.

we wait... and we listen.

and more often then not... we hear the music.

part two... ...both/and

by the way... i wrote most of this before my last post.

this place where i find myself is an interesting one.

almost every week, my situation looks bleaker... at least from a medical perspective.  if you've looked at any stats about melanoma... you quickly find that the survival rate for my type and stage of cancer is pretty low.  not that survival is unheard of... it's just not likely.

and the longer things go... the worse they look.

but let's spin it a different direction.  these cancer cells have been in my body for 16+ years.  so from that angle... even if i died today, i've already defied the odds.  on top of that, their knowledge of treating cancer has greatly increased over those years.  so, from a medical perspective, you might say i have a better chance of beating it now than ever before.

from a spiritual perspective, things look even better.  i choose to take the perspective that G*D not only created the world... but that he remains active in the world.  now i can't say a whole lot more than that.  for instance... i don't know where he draws the line when deciding what he will and won't do.  and i'm not a fatalist.  i believe he is both pro-active and responsive... and that he calls us into a relationship with him that is dynamic... interactive.  so... he invites us to a dance...  to engage him in our perceived reality.  to ask.  to trust.

because i believe G*D to be all-powerful, i believe he is able to do anything.  because i believe him to be completely wise, i believe he knows what is best in even the most complex situations.  because i believe G*D to be infinitely loving, i believe he treats me with respect and dignity and compassion.  because i believe G*D is transcendent, i believe his ways are ultimately above our ability to completely understand.  because i believe there was great purpose behind his son dying on that cross, i believe he is in the process of restoring all things... making everything right... and using us in the process.

which brings me back to the importance of thinking through the practical implications of our faith.

if my faith is a "faith for" kind of faith rather than a "faith in" kind... at some point i may be forced to let go of that thing i'm having faith for G*D to do... like, when it is clear that G*D isn't going to do it.  at some point "reality" meets "faith for" and one has to bow to the other.  either the thing we've been praying for becomes reality... or reality overides the thing we've been praying for.  at those times, denial can numb us to the inevitable... but eventually we may have to stare it in the face.

when i have "faith in" kind of faith... reality doesn't change my faith.  the two coexist... and my faith in G*D allows me to rise above my circumstances without denying them.  (ironically, that actually alters my reality even if the facts don't change)

but at some point the boxing match between "faith for" and "reality" has to end with a winner.  while "faith in" is always the champ.

but i'm getting off track...  ...sorry.

obviously, even though i'm a "faith in" kind of guy... i'm still asking G*D to physically heal me.  i have no question that G*D can do it.  but i have no clue as to whether or not he will in the way i want him to.  i'm humbled by the other ways he's already healed me in these circumstance... (click here to see my post on "a developing theology of healing" if you're curious as to what i mean.  up to this point in my journey, G*D has brought healing to my life in almost every other way than the physical)

so even though i'm primarily a "faith in" kind of guy... i still have "faith for" G*D to do some amazing things.  one is a faith built on my confidence in G*D's character.  the other is a faith born out of desire.  a child jumps off the edge of the pool and into the water because she is confident her dad is strong enough to catch her.  faith in.  a child keeps asking for a pony because she is convinced she really really needs it and that her dad loves her.  faith for.

both are active kinds of faith.  verbs.

so... i keep asking G*D to heal me because i think i really really should stick around a bit longer. faith for.  but beneath my asking is a thicker layer that reminds me to rest in the wisdom and love of G*D to ultimately do what he decides to do.  faith in.

but don't be confused.

G*D invites us into both a "faith in" and "faith for" relationship.

leave one or the other out... and you don't really have a relationship.

so... in all of our life circumstances... we trust... and we ask... and we trust... and we ask... and we trust... the two must go hand in hand for those who follow Jesus.

sometimes the hard part is to keep asking without slipping into demanding faith or angry faith or frustrated faith or formula faith or "this verse says you have to" faith or "i know better than you" faith or convincing faith.  we stop trusting him... and simply become "trusting him for" kind of people... or worse.  (disclaimer: i think we travel through all of these faith forms in our lives.  it's the story of scripture)

sometimes the harder part is to keep on asking... especially when things look bleak.  we give up on his love and wisdom.  we get frustrated that he doesn't seem to be doing what we want him to do... or he's not doing it fast enough... or the way we would do it!  or... we surrender to what we believe to be the inevitable will of G*D... sometimes we fall into despair.  (disclaimer: these too are normal in our faith development journey and probably inevitable at times.  i'm thankful G*D is patient and understanding.)

but in doing so, we may miss the very thing G*D is doing that has remained beyond our grasp... although it may look different that our request.  often in hindsight we recognize and laugh at the way G*D has chosen to answer the heart of our prayer rather that our words... and in ways that were more wonderful than we could have dreamed or imagined or asked for.

i think the hardest part... at least for me at times and especially now... may be in trusting and asking until i can see the answer.  if he's gonna say "no", i'd rather hear it sooner than later so i can readjust my thinking... or if the answer is "yes", i always think it's more fun to sit excitedly anticipating what his "yes" will look like in all its magnificence. 

sometimes he shows his hand.  usually he doesn't.  for too many years i fought the dark... the waiting... the fog.

but in the "both/and"... in the waiting... lies the sweetness of intimacy with the Almighty.  there the music plays that quickens my feet for the dance.  there the party begins.

there in his lap he holds me in my uncertainty... and the pounding in his chest reminds me that he is excited to be with me... and for the future that lies ahead for us both. 

he delights in my requests. 

i rest in the beat of his heart... ...and wait.

processing...

usually when i don't post for awhile... it means that i've got a lot on my mind.  too much to spit onto a post coherently.  the silence indicates that initial internal part of the processing labyrinth i tend to manuever on most days.  lots to thnk about.  lots to pray about.  lots of jacob moments... wrestling with G*D... fooled into thinking that somehow i might win... forgetting that i'm on the mat trying to pin the One who cares about my future more than i ever could.

the longer the silence... the more rounds in the match. 

so often i'm convinced that the "nudge" to engage G*D is really what the challenges of life are all about.  i don't think he's simply looking for followers.  he's looking for servants who will use the hearts and minds he's given them to live engaged to his own heart and mind.  we do our best to see clearly in the fog... and at times the fog forces us into a lively discussion with the One who sees vividly...  like a good parent forces a child to think for himself and struggle with the complexities of life in hopes of keeping him from the simplistic answers and rules that were sufficient to guide him in his childhood, but that he was never meant to be content in.  yet... hoping he'll remain humble enough to recognize that alone, he is completely unable to discern truth and see past his own self-deception.

it is a dance... to be sure.

over these last couple of weeks, we've been struggling to swallow the news from my surgeon who let me know that he was unable to get all the cancer during the last surgery... and that the cancer's acting more aggressively than most they see there... and the pathology report that confirmed his words... and that he believes it's unlikely that he'll be able to do more surgery on me... at least in that same area.  he let me know that he considers me now to be stage iv... meaning it's "incurable."

needless to say... there have been many late night talks for me and beth... many tears.  but none void of the hope that is ours as children loved by the One who gave his own son for us.

G*D honored my prayer to go before me to set the stage for me to talk with each of the kids.  i wish i could tell you the stories of his goodness in those moments.

then this past wednesday, after getting my stitches out, we had a nearly 2 hour consultation with dr. lao, whom we've come to love and trust immensely... seeing him to be a gift from G*D (on most days, that is).  many were praying and beth and i both commented on how light we felt going into the appointment... in spite of the fact that i'd been a spontaneous tear geyser lately. 

bottom line...

dr. lao isn't quite ready to consider this to be stage iv because it remains in the same armpit region... although he was quick to remind us that i'm in a "locally advanced" stage.  because of the unique situation i'm in, in spite of the fact that he's normally more conservative... he wants to give me a very aggressive chemo/bio regimen that he hopes will even give me a shot at a cure.

of course that's a long shot.  but because of this unique spot i find myself in... i won't qualify for most of the clinical trials available around the country... and yet... he feels hopeful this particular treatment can help.

of course... this all is contingent upon the results from an mri and ct i'll have on june 3rd with results coming on the 6th.  if those scans show that it has already moved away from my right arm pit area... then i will definitely be classified as stage iv and this treatment will not be an option for me.

so... G*D continues to give hope.  interestingly enough... the past couple of weeks have once again forced us into a corner where we recognize better than ever before that our hope cannot be in docs, or treatments, or nutrition, or anything else but G*D.  so even with this news, we rest not in the news... although we are thankful for it.

details of the treatment will come in another post.  this one is much too long already.  but let me just say it will be no picnic... and has added to the silence... as well as rounds to the match.

part one... ...the fight?

most of my posts are developed in a matter of minutes.  something grabs hold of my mind and you get the benefit of my unfiltered thoughts and emotions.  but over the last couple of weeks, i've been working on a post that has forced me to wrestle... with how to articulate my thoughts... with whether my thoughts were worth articlating... with whether i agreed with my thoughts.  eventually i came to realize there were several different posts... related, but separate.  this is the first.

a few months ago... when i moved from "healthy" to "unhealthy" in people's minds... i began noticing subtle but interesting changes in the language and posture of many around me.

of course, some opted out of the conversation immediately.  just too uncomfortable.  i guess that's normal and to be expected.  i understand and love them anyway.

for many others i was curiously and suddenly drafted to the "frontlines"... "fighting"... "battling"... "in the middle of a war" for my life.  unconsciously i'm sure, i felt people loading 2 things onto my back... desperation and responsibility.  they felt i had to do something... and i had to do it now!  i had to fight.

"it was like i was in a dream. it was dark... and a mist surrounded me.  when suddenly the fog separated to reveal 3 objects lying on the ground at my feet.  not knowing what the beast was like that waited for me in the long journey ahead... i picked them all up... assuming they each must have value for my enemy's demise... even though they were heavy and i felt clumsy as i carried them.

one... prayer (what i'd come to view as the simple conversations with G*D about all of life's joys, struggles and details) was different somehow.  now it was a "weapon" that required special insight, understanding, training, expertise and diligence in order to ensure my "victory".

two... education. i needed to prepare my mind by learning everything i could about my disease, its cause, options for treatment, etc. was another key to victory...  including every doctor, every treatment & home remedy that has helped a cousin's neighbor's friend's aunt. 

three... positive thinking... and/or being convinced that G*D would heal me... was the other essential element to a successful war strategy.  many religious & non-religious called it "faith".  losing was not to be considered as a possibility if i wanted to win, that is.  if things weren't heading in the right direction in my fight... a ruthless self-examination was required to root out anything negative/sinful (after all... that is "the secret").  or... i had to "believe harder", and refuse to be double-minded / believe without doubting... just hold on a little longer... god is testing you to see if you can hold on before he blesses you with this healing.  don't give up.

if i was going to win this war.  i had to fight for my life... at all levels.  or so i was told.

i get the reasoning behind this shift to a war mentality for situations like mine... and agree that each of the big 3 have their place... and that there are many helpful/important elements of truth behind these postures.  but now that i'm the one fighting the war, i see that individually and collectively, these things place a whole lot of pressure on already burdened people... putting them in a "win-lose" sporting event... and making them responsible for things beyond their complete control.  sending them on an endless quest for information. 

worst of all... they potentially lure the sufferers away from the peace and strength that could be theirs if their confidence was instead in the One who is wise and good and more than able to fight (and win) on my behalf.  the One who is much bigger than the simple drama of my life... and much wiser than my personal wishes.

that doesn't mean one should not fight.  maybe it's just fighting differently. 

experientially for me these days... now that it's taking so long for me to "win", i'm living the weaknesses in the thinking of our culture... christian and non-christian.  i see the discomfort in the eyes and emails of many.  and while much of that is concern as my situation continues... i think i'm also observing a hopelessness that goes beyond concern for my health.  something that exposes the cracks in their/our thinking... ... as well as the terminology that thinly masks it.

i'm beginning to realize that for many people, christians and otherwise, the "war against illness" is ultimately about their war against death.  to many, death is failure.  it's disappointing... it's embarrassing... awkwardly protruding out of an otherwise neatly shrink-wrapped theology or worldview.  we're supposed to win!  aren't we?  and of course, when people die... we wouldn't dare say "they're a failure."  but that's exactly what we are doing when we heap on their backs a responsibility to "win" when its something that is beyond their complete control.

G*D invites us to LIFE that is different than positive thinking or even formulaic christianity.  LIFE is what we experience when we live in the presence of G*D at all times.

if i'm involved in a fight, it's a personal fight to keep placing my confidence in G*D when things aren't going the direction i'd prefer.  that's the fight i don't want to lose... so to speak.  because to lose it leads me to a place far worse than death.  desperation and responsibility ultimately lead to hopelessness when we face things too big for us to control.  but the fight to keep my faith in G*D as God even when i'm tempted to become consumed with my circumstances is a fight that is within my power to win.  and it's G*D's desire for me as well. 

following Jesus is more about living out my hope in G*D, than it is hoping that G*D will do what i want.

so... although my current reality definitely involves pain at all levels... even though i have a responsibility to do what i can... i recognize that my basic life choice still comes down to whether or not i'm going to trust G*D... or trust something else.  that's why Jesus is so important to me.  he began helping me see G*D differently... understanding him to be someone big enough, loving enough, wise enough and close enough to begin to trust. 

slowly he trained me in a faith that was more about trusting him... ...than about trusting him for.

live with that kind of faith... ... add cancer, pain, unemployment or any other real life difficulty... and nothing really changes...

except...

...you're never alone.

...your hope, peace or joy aren't contingent upon your circumstances.

...you can fight with G*D's strength pumping through your veins

...you can see the good in what seems so evil.

...you can trust G*D for your family and friends and dreams.

...you can live without the pre-occupation of needing to find, do, buy, swallow, inhale, believe, abandon or pray the one thing that will make all the pain disappear.

...you can live each day free to live for G*D instead of yourself.

...you can laugh at your cancer... knowing that it can never beat you.

Lord... i do trust you.  help my untrust.

arm rest...

no... i haven't fallen off the face of the earth.  just a lot to process.

my right armpit area and back muscles have been pretty sore.  they gave me a sling to use until the stitches come out on the 23rd.  it's dark blue with a big maize university of michigan "m"... which doesn't make jenn & all the other msu fans in the area too happy.  but it reminds me to use that arm less.  funny, they don't want me using it much, but they want me to use it.  i think they're hoping to avoid the shoulder freezing thing.  the sling also acts as a warning to people as they approach me with that "give me a big hug" look.  through months of crashes, i'm slowly learning the art of pain-free hugs. 

right arm side hug...

i can't raise my right arm high enough to put it around someone... and wouldn't want to anyway.  so this won't work.

left arm side hug...

if i give someone a "left arm side hug"... (one of those "shoulder to shoulder" thingys) they instintively put their right arm around me... and their hand ends up on my right shoulder area.  so that's not ideal.

right arm tuck...

for this little beauty, i keep my right arm close to my body so they are forced to hug on the outside.  still painful, but less so...  unless they decide to give me a bear hug.  youch! 

full frontal...

use only with the "right arm tuck" and preferably with a sling.  on rare ocassions i've tried the "combination full frontal / right arm tuck" and, at the last second, a few have managed to sneak their hand between my arm and side.  up until now i've been able to stifle my "moan" and bury my wince in their shoulder... but since my last surgery, there's no way i'm gonna allow someone to get close enough to even risk them fooling me.  so... i doubt i'm going to attempt this with anyone...except maybe family members.

half frontal...

this is the "frontal hug", turned slightly.  it seems to work best, but requires a fair amount of skill.  you have to keep your head back a bit so they don't assume you're inviting a "full frontal"... while not throwing your chin up so as to appear aloof.  also... if you point your left shoulder too much, it may send them into a "left arm hug."

it doesn't give you quite the pleasure of a "full frontal", but it's better than going through total hug withdrawal.

the sling really helps with all the above.  people just stay clear

... especially if they're spartan fans.

we're home...

tired... on meds... going to bed.

home...

Sent wirelessly via BlackBerry from T-Mobile.

what a day...

they decided to admit me to help with pain management.... but i should go home tomorrow. so here i sit. beth ran down to the caf, so i thought i'd begin an update while she's away.

typing on my blackberry while on drugs is a bit of a challenge. so if something you read doesn't make sense... assume it's the meds. no good way to say this... ...from a purely medical perspective, it's not been a good day.

my doc is listed as 4th in the nation for breast cancer surgery, but 60% of his focus is on melanoma. after today's surgery... he said this is even more aggressive than he expected. he removed 2 good sized lumps and a large mass... and is confident he did not get it all. he took considerable muscle and said i will definitely need physical therapy after healing from surgery. the resident told me they took out about a 3x6 chunk, mostly effecting my 'lats' which we use to pull things down.

keep in mind, this has all developed since my last surgery only one month ago.

in all honesty, i'm not sure what the next step will be. we'll have to regroup. i'm pretty sure i'll see dr. lao in the morning before i leave. we'll see what he has to say.

i guess living with Jesus has trained me not to worry about much. on top of that... this morning, as beth and i drove into ann arbor, i told her i had this sense that things might be worse than we were anticipating. typically, I don't have those kind of thoughts much. and when I do... i don't let them consume me.

but sometimes ones come that feel clearly different from the normal "what if" thoughts we all have in times like this. and on those rare ocassions when i do have them... i've come to experience them as G*D coming close to ease me into my approaching reality.

i can't tell you how much that helps on days like this. thanks G*D... for an incredible wife... great kids... many friends... a loving extended family... wonderful church.

and if those weren't enough... ...thanks for being closer than a whisper.

Sent wirelessly via BlackBerry from T-Mobile.

surgery tuesday...

got the drain out today... just in time for another one to be put in tomorrow.  actually, doc sabel is hoping not to have to put one in this time.  but he didn't promise that.

he had a cancellation, so they were able to slot me in at 9a.m. tuesday. like before... i should go home the same day.

i'm going to bed with a crude, huge smiley face in my armpit.  i decided to spare you the photo.  you can thank me later.  the 2 eyes show where the two lumps are that he'll remove... and the mouth shows where the cut will be.  it will easily double the scar i have now.  it also outlines one side of a 3rd bump he's going to check.  my pit will be tight until the skin stretches, so it was nice to have the drain out and lift my arm high for a least one day.

fortunately i never put "sexy armpits" on my "must have" list. 

i'm asking G*D to guide their hands to remove every last cancerous cell... which would be miraculous since they can't see the microscopic ones until they start to multiply.  it's amazing to feel what's grown since my surgery one month ago tomorrow.  hopefully this will be the last.

i'm continually amazed at how G*D is using this journey in the lives of others.  but those are stories for another day.  i bring it up only because i'm increasingly aware my circumstances are bigger than my little paperback.

...and knowing that i'm helping someone somewhere... really does help me take that next step.

one flew and one returned home

did i mention the bird came back?  or never left.  i'm not sure which.

all i know is i got another call from home... this time from ems... sounding so much like her mom.  i pushed the pre-recorded message in my brain.  "don't worry... i'll handle it when i get home."

i really did the same thing as i did last time... took off vent hose... closed all doors except one leading to an open window... and waited. 

i considered the suggestions of rick and justin... but decided against soliciting the assistance of a snake, ferret or even jelly beans.  fortunately the bird came out rather quickly... hung out on top of the dryer for a couple of minutes... then flew immediately out the window... ...and...

...back to the nest it has been building in the highest gutter of our house right outside our bedroom window and close enough to wake us up each morning with the sun. 

all i can say is, if it does it again... i'll think twice about rescuing it so quickly.

the next morning beth and i headed to east lansing to bring jenn home from her first year at msu... with all her worldly possession also in tow.

the nest is full again.

good thing the laundry room is back in business.

late night spidey...

or should i say "early morning"?

back when the lord of the rings movies were coming out, i started a tradition of taking them to opening shows at midnight. it makes for a fun time together... even though beth stays home to sleep.

i guess she did join is when we saw "pirates" while we vacationed in boston.

so here we sit... waiting for spiderman 3. will i ever get too old for this?

hope not! Sent wirelessly via BlackBerry from T-Mobile.