(this post has been steeping all week. so if it’s a bit strong for some of you… sorry. i’m not sure it’s even fully flavored, but i have to get it out before tomorrow.)
last sunday, a friend asked me what i had done with all my time over these past weeks while off work and in this treatment phase? had i been reading a lot? watching movies? what?
it’s a simple question… and he meant no harm in asking it. but i hated my answer, which was… “well… i’m not sure.”
talking with some friends later about it, one told me that guys actually have a space in their brains that allows them to think about nothing. i’m not sure that’s comforting to know, but i will admit that most of my days just seem to have vanished. i can recall bits of things i’ve done, but to be frank… not much. that’s depressing for someone who struggles with getting his self-esteem from “doing.” if there’s anything this leg should be reminding me is that “doing” isn’t the only thing that matters in life. and chemo definitely doesn’t leave me with much focus or energy to do anything even if i had the idea to do it. so… i guess i’ve written myself an excuse slip from the do thing right now.
i didn’t think much about that until this week. this week has been different.
since i’m feeling better… i realize that for the first time in a long while, i actually have the freedom to choose what to do with my time. i have some control back. no continuous jittery feeling deep down in my bones... …and the ability to keep my attention on something for longer than 5 seconds. i once again have control over what i stick in my mouth, what i watch, what i do with the energy i have, who i talk with, the words that fly out of my mouth, and what i choose to think about.
and that’s where the trouble lies this week. sadly… some of my “do” reveals the “be” part of me is out of whack as well. with the freedom has come susceptibility to all kinds of temptation… and i’m a real grump to be around at times. basically, it seems i’m all too willing to hand over my re-found control to my whims and feelings of the moment… be it eating that whole box of chocolates, snapping at my kids, or whatever avoiding responsibility looks like.
so, unfortunately, that renewed sense of control is exposing just how out of control i’ve gotten over these last months. my words and heart betray that it’s been a while since the old car has been started… so it’s running kind of rough, i guess.
i’m sure there are psychological explanations for all of this… and i’m trying not to be too hard on myself… but the important thing all this helps me remember is just how dependent i am on G*D. i truly hate the feeling of not sensing his presence filling most moments. i miss the awareness of his mind regularly disrupting my own thoughts and his heart pumping new blood through my clogged veins to transmogrify a disoriented me… along with a disoriented world. that’s what LIFE is.
this week i realize i not only want my life back… i want LIFE back!!!
but i’m also waking up to the reality of how difficult it is to follow G*D when the days feels more like you’re in the front seat of a toboggan careening down a snow packed hill dead on track to hit the only tree within a square mile.
so i don’t think i need to loosen my guilt belt. it’s just that before i head right back into my chemo funk tomorrow and re-engage that male “nothingness” part of my brain… i figure it’s a good bet that there just might be one or two things G*D wants to say to me during this time of semi-clarity. so all this rambling is just me trying to listen.
so here’s what i’m thinking… and someone please remind me to read this post again in a few weeks.
i’ve spent a good part of this week being frustrated with my inability to tow truck my heart, body and mind back to the spot where i felt good about everything… before all this happened… when i felt like life was more than getting through cancer… when it felt like i was more like a living Jesus than a person trying to follow Jesus and miserably failing. but i’m being reminded that although discipline is a great thing... and there’s no question that in a life of following G*D, “trying” and “training” are essential… …self-discipline alone just doesn’t make for a transformed life. following the teachings of Jesus and making wise choices doesn’t lead to the kind of LIFE G*D sent his son for us to experience. it’s limited in how much of our core it can recalibrate. and beyond that… this week reminds me of how totally defiant i can be to my own transformation.
so… i’m reminded how important surrender is in this life-fog. i can’t fake surrender. i can’t make surrender happen. sure i can place myself in a posture of surrender… where i am cognizant of what i need to do. i can even make the choice to obey Jesus or some teaching in scripture based on my intellectual agreement with it or confidence in the wisdom of G*D… but no matter what i do or how much i do… i know deep down inside whether my heart is in love with G*D or if it’s corroded. activity is only one side of spirituality.
so when i come out of the thick fog again in a few weeks… somebody please kick me if you see me trying to muscle my way back from some place i think i should be beyond. discipline is good… but i never can out grow my need of his power. i might as well just start off by falling flat on my face and admitting my inability to love him… or look anything like someone who’s truly in love with him. i’m just too selfish. i need him to lead me to that place of crying “uncle” from the center of my being. i need him to do whatever he needs to do to remove the leprosy from my skin… the scales from my eyes… and driven-ness from my persona; because surrendering to his consuming love and grace changes everything. it restores all the possibilities and gives me new options of doing and being.
and from that island of humility… as i respond to whatever the one thing is he asks me to think about… or do...
…and as i chase it all down with self-discipline and training in godliness…
…may i always be honest with myself… and recognize who stood at the top of that hill and gave my toboggan that shove…
…and then jumped on with me for the ride to the very end.
i don’t want to live a normal life again…
…ever.
Not trying to jump off the deep train your taking us on, but transmogrify? That's like a George Will word.
I will be praying for you constantly this week as you again undergo the life saving/life altering treatments.
Posted by: Rick Lingenfelter | July 29, 2007 at 08:21 PM
rick - i have to admit that i just discovered that word. i was tired of "transform" or "metamorphisis"... so i stumbled upon "transmogrify." it's my new favorite word because it makes me sound almost as smart as you!
Posted by: randy | July 30, 2007 at 03:04 AM