fogparty

i'm not really here...

don't be fooled.

my body may be lying in a hospital bed in ann arbor, michigan.  but that's not where my heart is this week.

one of the hardest parts of having cancer and beginning this chemo/bio treatment plan was finding out i wasn't going to be able to do "the run" this year for st. jude.

ever since emma began her cancer treatment in memphis while we lived in peoria, i've teamed up with around 150 runners to do the insane... run the 485 miles from st. jude children's research hospital in memphis all the way back to the st. jude affiliate in peoria.  we run relay style in teams.  each team  runs 6 miles every other eight hours through the stifling heat, underneath star covered skies or in pouring rain.  by the end, individuals usually run between 20-30 miles over the course of the three and a half days.  and they've raised a minimum of 3000 bucks each to be able to do it!

then we all run the last mile to the civic center in peoria where we group with hundreds of other runners who've run to peoria from their communities.  st. louis... chicago... metamora... even chillicothe! 

and we're all there for one reason.  to raise money for the kids of st. jude.  it's pretty cool.

so many memories... my eyes can't help but fill with tears as i type.  from being a st. jude parent seeing the runners come into the civic center that first year...  (i think i stood at the end trying to personally thank each runner for their amazing work for my daughter .  i was a basket case)... to seeing my family drive by me as i ran my first year on the run, yelling and cheering me on... to the stories the runners share along the long rv trip down to memphis (and the corresponding craziness that only run people can understand)... to being neutralized by seeing 2 specks about a 1/2 mile up the road as i ran through the middle of nowhere, and realizing it was an elderly couple coming out of their farmhouse to meet us at the end of their lane and hand us a check on our way by... and on and on.  the list is endless.

i wish so much to be able to be in gold 5 with tom, kim, gina, juli and karrie this morning as together they pool their energy to help the kids.  as kim said to me recently... the run recenters your heart and your head on the importance of things that matter.  i will miss the spiritual pilgimage.

a cool thing you should know.  kim remembered that every year i've ran, emma had made me an ankle bracelet to wear.  i've worn it all year long ever since.  but since i can't run this year, kim offered to wear a bracelet in honor of us both.  so emma ended up making several for anyone from my rv family who might want to do the same.  and kim just emailed me that all of them will be wearing them!!! (although... she couldn't reveal where some of them may end up being worn.) ha!  that's my run family i love & miss!  fantastic!

so to all my friends on the gold and blue teams and those awesome cooks... you are the best!!!!!  i love you... and will be thinking and praying for you with every blistering step and every muscle ache and every bite of those blt's!  (disclaimer... "every" means with every moment of consciousness my chemo/bio treatment offers)

yep...

i may be taking up space on the 8th floor of the u of m...

...but right now... and all this week...

...my heart's about 6 feet to the right of the center line on every stretch of back road between tennessee and illinois.

G*D, please keep them safe.  give them strength and endurance.  may people be more than generous in their support of st. jude along the way and at the telethon.  give big mike wisdom and may he listen to his wife for once.  and just as you did for us... please encourage the kids and families and staff at st. jude as they see so many people working hard to help them continue to bring life and health to the kids. 

GO RUNNERS!!!

lost and found...

i'm sitting here in my hospital bed... and they've just started the pre-med fluids.  man, do i hate this.

just returning to the scene of the crime makes me relive it all.  the sounds and smells drive me crazy.  purell is now my arch enemy because i almost spew anytime someone squirts in on their hands within a ten mile radius of me.  and in the hospital... that's pretty often.

i'm thankful the treatments seem to be working.  very thankful.  but why can't i have all the benefit without any of the pain?!?!

last winter i was able to visit northern ireland for a conference at the church where robin mark leads worships.  i've always found his music inspiring, even though i wouldn't say his style is my first choice.  but being over there and experiencing how his music has helped to heal belfast... well, i found it to be fascinating.

recently some in-laws sent me his newest cd to encourage me.  (yes... i have the best in-laws on the planet) 

so i put the cd into the car and started through the list of songs... enjoying each one, but not particularly "impressed".

then #8 began to play.  "lost and found"

i'm not sure why some songs seem to have power behind them more than others.  theologically... i don't think they do...  but all i know is i love G*D decides to attach the "aed" leads to our chest through just the right song... and right when we need it.  seems i never hear the unit charging... readying for the jolt.  then all of a sudden... bam!

for me... this is one of those kind of songs.

now before you're tempted to say to yourself... "randy is so spiritual!" or anything like that.  listen up.

in all honesty... although through these past months there have been many times when i've been transported while listening to this song... there have been just as many when i've simply shouted "no!" to it... and a few when i've asked the lord to massage my heart beyond simple surrender & resignation to this terrain... and take me to that strange place of anticipation.  morbid as that may sound.

so... i can't say that i'm always willing to sing along.  but the song reminds me of where i want to be.

keep in mind these words were never meant to be read... but consumed in tandem with a melody.  but maybe you'll find meaning in them just the same.

when the rain falls, and it sometimes will

then the pavement under my feet

sparkles silver and gold in reflecting light

that i otherwise wouldn’t have seen.

and when the storm comes and the strong winds blow

i will bow my head to push through

and every step that i take i will watch and pray

to be sure my foothold is true.

chorus

so, Jesus, don’t you keep me from that storm

i want to walk that sacred ground

for you are master of it all

and i am just a lost and found.

and in the dry place, in the wilderness

when your word seems so far away

then i will think of my life, and i will bless your name

for your promises never have failed

and when the night falls at the end of days

i will lift my eyes to the heavens

where we will shine like the stars in reflected light

in your presence forever and ever.

chorus

so, Jesus, don’t you keep me from that storm

i want to walk that sacred ground

for you are master of it all

and i am just a lost and found.

lost and found, lost and found

i am but a lost and found

but can there be a sweeter sound than singing with

the lost and found.

so, Jesus, don’t you keep me from that storm

i want to walk that sacred ground

for you are master of it all

and i am just a lost and found.

home...

just picked ian up from his trip from london.

he's tired from a busy week and a long trip... but i can tell he's not the same.

on the brief drive home the stories started to bubble up, but i can't wait for him to visit me in the hospital and tell me more.  it's always encouraging to hear stories of the movement of G*D in others.  even more so when it's one of your kids.

off to bed for a few hours.  we have to be at u of m at 6:30 a.m.

but i'm not complaining... ...my son's home.

doo-be-doo-be-doo

(this post has been steeping all week.  so if it’s a bit strong for some of you… sorry.  i’m not sure it’s even fully flavored, but i have to get it out before tomorrow.)

last sunday, a friend asked me what i had done with all my time over these past weeks while off work and in this treatment phase?  had i been reading a lot?  watching movies?  what?

it’s a simple question… and he meant no harm in asking it.  but i hated my answer, which was…  “well… i’m not sure.”

talking with some friends later about it, one told me that guys actually have a space in their brains that allows them to think about nothing.  i’m not sure that’s comforting to know, but i will admit that most of my days just seem to have vanished.  i can recall bits of things i’ve done, but to be frank… not much.  that’s depressing for someone who struggles with getting his self-esteem from “doing.”  if there’s anything this leg should be reminding me is that “doing” isn’t the only thing that matters in life.  and chemo definitely doesn’t leave me with much focus or energy to do anything even if i had the idea to do it.  so… i guess i’ve written myself an excuse slip from the do thing right now.

i didn’t think much about that until this week.  this week has been different.

since i’m feeling better… i realize that for the first time in a long while, i actually have the freedom to choose what to do with my time.  i have some control back.  no continuous jittery feeling deep down in my bones...  …and the ability to keep my attention on something for longer than 5 seconds.  i once again have control over what i stick in my mouth, what i watch, what i do with the energy i have, who i talk with, the words that fly out of my mouth, and what i choose to think about. 

and that’s where the trouble lies this week.  sadly… some of my “do” reveals the “be” part of me is out of whack as well.  with the freedom has come susceptibility to all kinds of temptation… and i’m a real grump to be around at times.  basically, it seems i’m all too willing to hand over my re-found control to my whims and feelings of the moment… be it eating that whole box of chocolates, snapping at my kids, or whatever avoiding responsibility looks like.

so, unfortunately, that renewed sense of control is exposing just how out of control i’ve gotten over these last months.  my words and heart betray that it’s been a while since the old car has been started… so it’s running kind of rough, i guess.

i’m sure there are psychological explanations for all of this… and i’m trying not to be too hard on myself… but the important thing all this helps me remember is just how dependent i am on G*D.  i truly hate the feeling of not sensing his presence filling most moments.  i miss the awareness of his mind regularly disrupting my own thoughts and his heart pumping new blood through my clogged veins to transmogrify a disoriented me… along with a disoriented world.  that’s what LIFE is. 

this week i realize i not only want my life back… i want LIFE back!!!

but i’m also waking up to the reality of how difficult it is to follow G*D when the days feels more like you’re in the front seat of a toboggan careening down a snow packed hill dead on track to hit the only tree within a square mile.

so i don’t think i need to loosen my guilt belt.  it’s just that before i head right back into my chemo funk tomorrow and re-engage that male “nothingness” part of my brain… i figure it’s a good bet that there just might be one or two things G*D wants to say to me during this time of semi-clarity.  so all this rambling is just me trying to listen.

so here’s what i’m thinking… and someone please remind me to read this post again in a few weeks.

i’ve spent a good part of this week being frustrated with my inability to tow truck my heart, body and mind back to the spot where i felt good about everything… before all this happened… when i felt like life was more than getting through cancer…  when it felt like i was more like a living Jesus than a person trying to follow Jesus and miserably failing.  but i’m being reminded that although discipline is a great thing...  and there’s no question that in a life of following G*D, “trying” and “training” are essential… …self-discipline alone just doesn’t make for a transformed life.  following the teachings of Jesus and making wise choices doesn’t lead to the kind of LIFE G*D sent his son for us to experience.  it’s limited in how much of our core it can recalibrate.  and beyond that… this week reminds me of how totally defiant i can be to my own transformation.

so… i’m reminded how important surrender is in this life-fog.  i can’t fake surrender.  i can’t make surrender happen.  sure i can place myself in a posture of surrender… where i am cognizant of what i need to do.  i can even make the choice to obey Jesus or some teaching in scripture based on my intellectual agreement with it or confidence in the wisdom of G*D… but no matter what i do or how much i do… i know deep down inside whether my heart is in love with G*D or if it’s corroded.  activity is only one side of spirituality.

so when i come out of the thick fog again in a few weeks… somebody please kick me if you see me trying to muscle my way back from some place i think i should be beyond.  discipline is good… but i never can out grow my need of his power.  i might as well just start off by falling flat on my face and admitting my inability to love him… or look anything like someone who’s truly in love with him.  i’m just too selfish.  i need him to lead me to that place of crying “uncle” from the center of my being.  i need him to do whatever he needs to do to remove the leprosy from my skin… the scales from my eyes… and driven-ness from my persona; because surrendering to his consuming love and grace changes everything.  it restores all the possibilities and gives me new options of doing and being.

and from that island of humility… as i respond to whatever the one thing is he asks me to think about… or do...

…and as i chase it all down with self-discipline and training in godliness…

…may i always be honest with myself… and recognize who stood at the top of that hill and gave my toboggan that shove…

…and then jumped on with me for the ride to the very end.

i don’t want to live a normal life again…

…ever.

heaven and hell...

today... right after getting lab work done at foote hospital... i made a quick stop by tommy's coney stand here in jackson to pick up a couple dogs & a dew.

jackson has more coney joints than any town i've lived in.  the meat is more like crumbly ground beef (think maid-rite burgers) and then they add mustard and onion.  it's not the runny messy coney stuff i'm used to getting.  but i like it even better.  tommy's is literally a stand on the side of the street in a neighborhood a couple blocks away from downtown.  and there's always a line-up.  obviously he's only open in the summer. 

dave midkiff introduced me to the joint... er... stand when i first came to town.  today i got it "to go", but tommy has plastic lawn chairs set up on his side yard where you can sit and take in the neighborhood ambiance.  that's where midders and i have enjoyed a few dogs together.

okay... so i'll admit hotdogs are not on the list of "super foods"... and yes, i had tommy leave off the mustard and the onions.  i didn't want to burn out my new stomach lining immediately after it's just grown back from the chemo.

but it's proof that i must be feeling better. 

just in time for another round...

...but thank you G*D for a few days of heaven before re-entry to the hot place!!!

yippie-ky-yay!

doc lao called this morning, saying the ct they did yesterday had already been read... and it was good news.

the treatment seems to be working!  wooo hooo!!!

one spot was 2cm and is now .5cm... and the other was 2.5cm and is now 1cm.

sooooo... he's hoping to give me 2 more rounds of the current treatment... which is the max he thinks my body can handle.  i'm scheduled to have another central line installed bright and early on monday... and then i'll be admitted again for the week.

can't say i'm really excited about more treatment... but if it's working, that helps a ton.

of course the prayer request would be that by the end it's knocked out completely.  but we're very thankful that it appears things are heading in the right direction.

thanks so much for the prayers and good wishes.  we are rejoicing and thanking G*D for a great doc, great care, great insurance, great family, great friends and great church (local & worldwide)

we love you all.

p.s. - i've added a "recap" page that can be found on the sidebar.  so people who are just now jumping onto the blog and want to get up to speed a bit faster can see a condensed version of this chapter of my journey with cancer.

p.s.s. - before i start getting emails about "shrinkage" and the reality that "size does matter" when it comes to cancer... let me head you all off at the pass.  believe me... i've heard them all!

by the way...

(i must be losing it.  i thought i posted this already, but evidently didn't)

the article came out last weekend (july 8th) in our local paper 'the citizen patriot."  for those out of the area, here's the link in case you're interested in reading.  i'm not sure how long the link will work because at some point it moves to the archive section which requires a fee to view.

one benefit of viewing it online is they leave out the pics.

tina did a good job... and i'm thankful for how it turned out.  thanks tina!

since i began blogging long before i was diagnosed with cancer, i decided to stick with this route of communication.  but now there are lots of different online vehicles for people who are going through illness to keep family and friends updated... like www.carepages.com and www.caringbridge.org.

almost daily i receive or hear stories of people who are being impacted.  i'm amazed... and very thankful that G*D is willing to use us in any circumstance we face.  the story the paper tells about anita just blows me away.

so... it reminds me to ask you... "are you telling your story?"  "are you believing the lie that you don't have a story to tell?"  "are you getting up in the morning asking G*D to make you sensitive to the people with whom you'll kaleid today who might need to hear a snippet of it?... or to feel your story through your actions?"

you have a story too.  and G*D's been part of it all along.  maybe telling yours just might help someone see G*D in theirs.

some friends...

some friends bring out the best and the worst in us...

i guess that means they're kind of like family!

(so, steph!  what part of "make the crazy-face" didn't you understand???)

we missed you, ian!!!

thank-full...

last night beth and i were lying in bed... realizing that at this same time after my first treatment, she had just brought me home from an extra 3 days of recovery in the hospital.  that's amazing because i actually feel somewhat normal. 

things are so much better this round.  i'd say i'm at least a week and a half ahead of how i felt last time.  G*D has blessed us with a wonderful doc... and many people who are praying.

i had energy for a visit from the fabulous farris family on their way home from miracle camp on saturday.  and i even felt like grilling and eating most of a meal.  the bad taste is still there, but at least now the food flavor is stronger than the yuk flavor.

this morning i even snuck into a service at westwinds.  it was so so good to be there after being away for a month or so.  i cried through most of the worship music that john led... and dave gave probably the best talk i've ever heard on the trinity.  they and the elders have weathered some difficult challenges since i've been on leave... and are doing an incredible job from what i can tell. 

even though it feels very weird not to be in the know of all that's going on, G*D has a way of putting all the pieces together so they fit and make something that is way more amazing than we could anticipate or engineer.

so today... how can i be anything but full of thanks to G*D?

perfect...

a couple of weeks ago... right before my last treatment... G*D hollowed out a sweet time for our family to getaway.  the extra week of recovery that my doc had already planned for me "just happened" to coincide with a generous offer from some friends to use their 2nd home in elk rapids, michigan... up by traverse city.

we were praying it would be a chance for us all to be together when i might be feeling half-way decent... and not so much of a downer to be around.

to say 'we had a great time' sounds cliche'... but we truly did.

the beach... the walks... ice cream... the late night swim... reading... miniature golfing... the movies... trying out local restaurants... the marina... more ice cream... exploring... fresh cherries... scoring big at the old navy outlet... embarrassing our kids under the bridge... even more ice cream... the scenery... the sunsets... dragging the kids out of the antique store... great talks... and lots of laughter.

sounds busy, but we didn't push ourselves.  and lots of naps meant that i was game for almost everything.

ian and i even stooped to helping with a table puzzle.

family vacations are wonderful.  they help us forget the challenges facing us in daily life, and re-invigorate us for the next leg of the journey. 

and... they remind us that we actually kind of like each other. 

something we too often forget.

yep... i've got the best family in the whole wide world.

(this last pic was taken in may by our friend kathy kesterson)