aaaahhhh... each day feels a bit better. to continue with the metaphor i used in my last post... i think the tips of my toes are finally skimming the sand beneath me.
doc emailed me late last night to tell me my labs from yesterday were good... except for the platelets... and if i have any problems, i need to come in for a transfusion.
so far so good.
however... i'll stay on beth's good side just in case she might be tempted to come after me with the kitchen knife or something. so glad she no longer sleep walks and talks, like she did when we were first married. scarey stuff... but funny too.
over the last few days as things have been getting clearer (or at least they feel like they are)... i've been sipping on the reality that even though during this chemo labyrinth there are times when i am stretching my neck out as far as i can to keep my mouth above water... while at the same time futilely attempting to find some sense of how far the ocean floor is beneath my little tootsies... my sippy-straw revelation is that those times of mid-atlantic instability serve to remind me that a truer reality holds me even in those times, making me infinitely as secure as if i am sitting underneath an umbrella on the beach.
the parallel reality of the Christ-follower involves both security and self-discipline. the two appear to be organically independent pieces of art, yet co-exist for me in a reality that is experienced more than understood. however, i find it challenging to experience them at the same time. so too often i flip-flop to the one that best fits my circumstances at the time... and usually to the expense of the other.
most of us do this all the time. for example... logically, one can't be secure in Jesus if salvation has anything to do with us. or... if religion is mostly about self-discipline, then grace (the merciful work of G*D) is robbed of its meaning. so... to resolve things, often we just speak of "grace" when it comes to justification, salvation or anytime we feel inadequate... and swith to "self-discipline" when we talk about sanctification or things that seem reasonable in the process of our personal maturation.
helpful maybe... but probably unhealthful (new word). it think this is another fogtrine (another new word i just made up)... referring to a doctrine that is accepted & orthodox... and truly accurate and essential, while at the same time incomplete because our traditional definitions take us to ruts in our thinking that make it hard for us to enjoy any melodic dissonance in reality. (theorizing is a whole lot easier than living it)
but more and more i'm enjoying and comprehending the importance of that dissonance... instead of trying to resolve it in my inner ear. scripture is filled with it, in my opinon... as well as the teachings of the classic writers of the faith.
anyway... getting back to practicality... one of the main benefits of this journey through cancer... especially in weeks like i've just come through... is a greater awareness of the seeming inconguities in this life with G*D.
...of how important it is for my mind to be fixed on him whenever it has the capacity to be fixed, but... how completely bear-hugged i am by G*D even in times of incompetence, undiscipline or rebellion... ...without losing sight of the very real dangers of falling into sloth, foolishness or carnality of any kind... ...yet filled with amazement at the avalanche of G*D's love and power that hopelessly engulfs me whether strong or immature... ...topped with the necessity of my own earnest devotion...
...well, hopefully you get the picture.
and hopefully... ...all this begins to produce a peaceful tenacity in my life. and a tenacious peacefullness.
Wow! Thanks for explaining that "place" so eloquently (I think I got most of it, though I'm kinda "in that place" right now)! It's a quiet desperation one feels when you know you need to be disciplined in your walk, yet mentally, emotonally and physically the energy necessary is so depleted. Thanks for the reminder that God is limitless in all His attributes and embraces us so closely during these times! Satan tries to work one over on us as we languish in this "altered state", but praise the LORD He is the One who gives us the victory! Blessings on you today,
Janet Hurt
Posted by: Janet Hurt | August 15, 2007 at 12:40 PM