lest anyone think that after my last post i hopped in my car and drove myself to the bottom of lime lake... don't worry.
i wrote the post from the perspective i had a few days ago. it's was more than discouraging to start feeling better and worse at the same time. not that things are a whole lot better today. but sometimes just a little better is enough.
after a few good talks with a few good friends... i'm realizing something. even though i feel spiritually like i'm permanently suspended in a game of "sorry"... stuck in the start circle after 623 rolls of the dice without any sign of a "1" in sight so i can at least begin my long journey back to what once was "home"... ...my interactions this week attest to another reality. there appears to be more life in my limbs than i can recognize through this fog. loving on my friends and letting them love on me was kind of a wierd experience... like i could feel my mouth moving and could hear the words coming out, but they weren't words that really connected with any current brain activity. i could feel my heart warming involuntarily with compassion. it was kind of like experiencing a bit of me from an earlier time... back when i could sense G*D's breath in my lungs. and it wasn't me playing the game or pretending to be something i'm not.
i experience those chats a bit like i was receiving mouth to mouth. and even though i can't feel G*D's hands pushing hard on my chest to keep my heart pumping before he takes another deep breath to inflate my lungs... i realize that something inside me still lives. or someone. i'm not breathing on my own yet, but it gives me a penny candy piece of hope that i will be soon.
however... now that i think about it... my desire never has been to breath on my own. and could it be that in ways i can't understand, i'm more alive now that ever before... filled with the pure oxygen of G*D's breath... my heart beating completely in response to his initiative?
obviously, my longing is to feel totally alive again. but maybe i shouldn't be so quick to equate "alive" with who i was or what i did in the past. maybe G*D is in the process of changing me into someone a bit different than the yesterday me.
only time will tell. and only G*D knows. or at least i'm hanging on to the thought that he does.
intellectually i know that this place is no stranger to many people whom i respect... king david, most all of the prophets, the apostle paul... and a whole slew of unknown's in hebrews 11 who died without receiving the things their faith thirsted for. and earlier this week when i read about mother teresa's struggles, i was in awe at her faithfulness to do the work of Christ in spite of great inner turmoil. i'm confident i could never endure what these men & women of G*D have.
physically, my platelets are back up. but my hemoglobin has been down for about a week... which might also help explain the weariness in my body... and my spirit. so i'm sucking down iron, folic acid, vitamin c... and tonight beth and i went out for a thick steak to celebrate our anniversary a bit early... all docs orders. (except for the anniversary celebration part) and the steak actually tasted fantastic! (i think it was the company i was with)
monday, it's back into the hospital to start my final round.
a friend spoon feed this to me last night. paul certainly was facing some very different circumstances... and i don't mean to compare his difficulties with mine. but his words resonate just the same.
It was so bad we didn't think we were going to make it. We felt like we'd been sent to death row, that it was all over for us. As it turned out, it was the best thing that could have happened. Instead of trusting in our own strength or wits to get out of it, we were forced to trust God totally—not a bad idea since he's the God who raises the dead! And he did it, rescued us from certain doom. And he'll do it again, rescuing us as many times as we need rescuing. You and your prayers are part of the rescue operation—I don't want you in the dark about that either. I can see your faces even now, lifted in praise for God's deliverance of us, a rescue in which your prayers played such a crucial part.
(2 Corinthians 1:9-11) from the message
Randy:
I cannot even begin to understand how you must be feeling in your present state of mind and situation and won't pretend to or liken it to something I've ever experienced.
And still you come through with sparkling & shining humor and that precious spirit of life He gave you and how you are even more precious in His sight for that very reason!
I can express that you and your family are on my mind and in my prayers as always.
Dott
PS I have cake envy...that b-day cake sounds yum-o!
Posted by: DottZ | August 31, 2007 at 03:17 PM