fogparty: stretching to touch...

haven't had much to say these days.

seems like the 2nd week after treatment is the most challenging. i'm up and around... but can't say i'm doing much else. eating and drinking is still a chore. i hate to complain, but i guess this is my journal you're reading. my purpose isn't to paint a picture of how i think things should be, but tell the story to myself of how they are.

i guess faith isn't really faith if it starts from some crazy belief that life with G*D always feels good or fun... based on idealism instead of something concrete and authentic. let's just say that "G*D has a wonderful plan for your life" isn't the tagline i'm using these days to tease people into following Jesus. (not that it ever was)

but this stretch of road is more than challenging. normally it's enough to hang onto those promises of G*D i've memorized over the years. but when your mind is fuzzy... well... let's just say it's hard to hang on to something like memory verses when your brain feels like it's adrift someplace in the middle of the atlantic. it's like i keep stretching my toes trying to touch bottom. but it just ain't happenin.

right now faith is a daily choice to refuel my heart with stories of people who've survived much worse than i have... and grab my chin with tangible tales from my own few decades of living with Jesus through hard times. all that... blended with the love of family and friends... that's what i'm hanging onto these days. it's just that some days even that takes more work than i feel like i have to expend.

but the fact that i'm typing this is even a sign that my head is moving in the right direction, i guess.

i'm thankful my doc is giving me an extra week to recover before my final treatment. i think i'll need it. so i'll head back into the hospital on august 27th.

this morning... in the minutes between consciousness and finding the desire to get out of bed... G*D brought to my mind a song i wrote a few years back during a particularly challenging time. i hadn't thought of it for quite awhile. it's kind of inspired by that old hymn, "i need thee every hour", psalm 27, and coldplay. i'm not usually much of a songwriter... and i have to admit there's not been even much of a song in my heart lately. so let's just say that in the days in which i wrote it... as well as this morning when it came back to mind... it infused some LIFE.

so even though it may just look like a bunch of words... to me it's more like a gift wrapped with the scent of the holy ONE.

i need you every hour, most precious lord.

only your tender voice can peace restore.

i need you, i need you.

every hour i need you.

oh bless me now my saviour, i come to you.

i need you every hour, in pain or joy.

without you next to me, what is life for?

i need you, i need you.

every hour i need you.

oh bless me now my saviour, i come to you.

chorus

when my breath is gone, when my spirit’s weak

your face alone is what i seek

and in those times when i can’t handle life

you alone can come and set me high.

you set me high.

i need you every hour, temptation calls

but with you by my side, i will not fall

i need you, i need you.

every hour i need you.

oh bless me now my saviour, i come to you.

chorus

i need you every hour, most holy one.

transform my aching life, oh blessed son.

i need you, i need you.

every hour i need you.

oh bless me now my saviour, i come to you.

cause you set me high.

you set me high.

won’t you set me high?

please set me high.

Comments

love the song

I get a lot of encouragement reading your blog. Thanks for sharing your life in this way.

Posted by: Tim M | August 13, 2007 at 04:22 PM

We think of you each and every day. Hang in there. Even though it doesn't sound good now, there's more popcorn/cheerios/caramel snack mix waiting in the wings for when you're feeling better! We love you.

Posted by: Amy & Curt Auel | August 13, 2007 at 06:42 PM

Randy, Isn't it great when God gives us "songs in the night". I remember waking up during the night and instead of "BAM! YOU HAVE CANCER!" being my first thought, God would give me a song to awaken me and put back to sleep! He is so good!
The IL-2 no energy thing WILL GO AWAY, just a little longer...you WILL feel like yourself again! Be patient with yourself and when putting prayers into words seems too much...say the name, JESUS!
Janet Hurt

Posted by: Janet Hurt | August 13, 2007 at 09:47 PM