it's hard to explain these thoughts and feelings. i really have nothing to complain about when i compare my situation with the circumstance of others. but... my reality is that this round has taken huge chunks out of me emotionally, mentally and spiritually. or that's how it feels.
not long ago i mentioned that i was managing to "keep smoldering a sweet fellowship with G*D". but now... in all bluntness... this place often feels more like my heart is filled with cold white ashes... and the crack of thunder in the distance promises to squelch any rebellious ember that might still survive.
i've never gone to rehab for any reason. so i'm really talking here without knowledge. but sometimes this place kind of feels like i imagine it must feel to gradually lose the use of your arms and legs. you feel helpless to prevent it... but the things you took for granted are slowly being replaced with a new lifeless reality. and even though people tell you to not lose hope, you can't help but be overwhelmed by the pain and effort now required to move your little finger.
then on top of that, you begin to lose other faculties. your ability to care, and experience touch... and worst of all, even though you know the ONE who loves you is in the room, you can't quite sense that he's there. you feel more alone than you can ever remember. but then again... your ability to remember has been slipping too... along with your sense of time and perspective.
for someone who sees the foundation and fruit of LIFE (that is... the Kingdom of G*D, layer one of salvation, heaven now & later, the reason for the cross) to be the "presence" of G*D in your reality... ...and as someone who's enjoyed that LIFE for many years... let's just say this place sucks. this isn't what Jesus died to give me. this is what he died to free me from. isn't it?
not only do your lifeless muscles encase you, but you sense a giant callus is surrounding your heart and mind. people are relentless in offering love and support. but at times you feel guilty and wish they'd heap their gifts at the feet of someone who could still appreciate and enjoy them.
you once were an artist. but now you struggle to quiver a dull pencil with any amount of purpose or skill... and you wonder if your sketch pad will ever be filled with anything but scratches and smudges. worse yet... you stare at your imagination lying disconnected and inert on the floor next to you... two feet away from what once was your desire and passion. and with each day you sense their approaching petrification.
flies, mosquitoes and rodents of all shapes and size line up to nibble at your soul. you feel helpless to fight them off... and sometimes your mind sadly finds some satisfaction in their deceitful companionship.
you attempt to push aside all self-expectation... even though you're a seasoned pastor. you remember your docs words that only some can handle this 4th round that you face... and that you'll need at least a month to recover.
but you wonder what kind of a pastor you'll be in a month or two.
even though people tell you to hang on... you've only got one more round. you can't help but wonder how much it will cost you. ...and if it will take you to a place of total darkness.
i'd rather not post this post. but i need to.
i need to remember these days when the days of restoration come. and they will. i have to believe they will.
and honesty, confession and fellowship are always part of the journey of even the struggling Christ-follower.
Randy, thank you for writing this post. As heart-wrenching as it is to read what you are experiencing, I can't begin to explain how grateful I am for your honesty. By being real, you give other hurting people "permission" to grieve their pain. No one - not even pastors! - sail through life in a "spiritual" bubble, untouched by the pain that is part of this life, and anyone who pretends to do so does a disservice to hurting people around them. What you are going through does suck. Thank you for allowing us the privilege to continue to pray for you.
Posted by: Lois Lanham | August 25, 2007 at 09:47 PM