fogparty

solitairey refinement...

beth's mom... affectionately known around our home as 'saint margaret'... enjoyed christmas with us this year.  she's amazing at trying to make it down from canada for the kid's concerts and all.  and it's always great to have her around.

often when they're together, you can find beth and her mom playing double solitaire at the dining room table.  sometimes i mistakenly refer to it as 2-handed solitaire.  but the moon family rules clearly stipulate that only one hand may be used or... you risk losing it.  sometimes the play is so ravenous that i've come close to getting a finger lopped off just in the course of a normal game!

so... in the weeks preceding her arrival... beth and i did some practicing.  or i should say... beth humored me with a few hands to tease me into thinking there's a possibility i might someday win a game.  my hand/eye coordination is sad.  so... i take whatever 'humoring' i can get.

like any card game, solitaire is as much about luck as it is skill. 

side note:  the more time you spend doing something, the greater the opportunity for it to become a pathway for the work of G*D in your life.  therefore... enter the theology part of this post.

warning: sudden shift ahead!!!

as i was writing the other day, these thoughts came to mind.

no one would take credit for "just the right" cards being turned up as play begins in a game of solitaire.  it's pure chance... unless you intentionally shuffled poorly.  and... no one would suggest that G*D ordains which cards face up and which are buried.  (well, i guess some people might.)

however, when 'play' moves beyond cards... or when the stakes are higher... many will discover they've unconsiously added a chair for G*D to join them at the game-table.  they find themselves beginning to look to him for a little assistance... or... they might begin to question his kindness when they lose a hand at whatever life-game they've found themselves playing. 

what i mean is this... the more we feel invested in something, the more we look to whatever it is we look to for help.  for some it's a lucky charm.  for others it's fate.  still others credit themselves... their fortitude, skill and determination.  and then some look to G*D.  if we've bought the popular church party-line, when good things happen we feel obligated to give G*D at least some credit for his involvement... even if we can't explain how he was involved.  strangely though... in the dark times we feel the need to blame someone (usually other than G*D) for the bad luck of the draw.  we intentionally leave him out... convinced G*D could not have been involved in something so horrific and pain-inducing.  if we choose to include him, we're quick to quote romans 8:28... and proceed to pin the dirty-work on the guy in the red suit... refusing to handcuff G*D even though he was clearly at the crime scene too.

it's interesting that biblical characters never felt this need to absolve G*D of responsibility.

usually we find a place for G*D somewhere in our courtroom pencil sketch.  we just don't know whether to draw him as a witness, judge, prosecutor, defender, juror, in the gallery... or all the above!

i'm sure discussions like these make some people cringe.  they wonder why we feel the need to blame G*D (or thank him) for what happens in life.  they criticize our convenient ability to see him behind one rock and not another. 

it's fascinating to realize that through our years and experiences each of us has constructed an intricate system of 'terms and conditions' for how G*D does and doesn't work in and around us.  but how often do we actually read the fine print before you click that little box and proceed to the next webpage?  i fear too many of our systems need 'updating'... or at least 'refreshing.'   

some of my angst these days is no-doubt directly related to my awareness of how harsh it feels to be sitting at the table when someone cavalierly fills your mug with their moonshine theology.  too often in our lust for 'the world to know' we create a church culture that unintentionally sabotages the very freedom we advertise Jesus came to bring... simply because we haven't done a walk-thru inspection of our G*D construction site recently.

for instance...

consider prayer.  how do you determine what to ask G*D for... or conversely, what things have you decided aren't worthy to bother G*D with?  and... should you be thanking him for every big & little thing?  how do you determine which things came from his hand and which didn't?

applied to faith.  is our faith journey about learning to trust G*D for everything?  are you sure that the things you're trusting G*D to do are really things that he's accepting responsibilty to handle?  does a person's mis-directed faith obligate G*D to run to their tennis court and hit their faith-ball back over their net?

and if your answer was "i don't know" to one or more of the questions above... think about this question.  what do the cliches you so easily throw around publicize as the answer to the question, "how does G*D figure in to all that happens in this world?"

some say...

"i don't concern myself with questions like that.  i just trust him."

yeah... i used to be there too.  not that i think i will ever be able to manufacture a tangle-free set of 500 christmas lights theology... or even unsnarl the string that i threw into the box last year.  all i know is the system i'd constructed reached it's load-limit a few months ago.  so i'm exploring... trying to add girders and stronger steel in hopes of being able to drive across the bridge again soon. 

but it's not simply a philosophical exercise to me. it's about living with confidence, being a man of integrity and being able to do my job with the same. 

so back to the question... how does G*D figure in to all that happens in this world?

some postulate...

1. there is no god
2. he set it in motion and then went on break
3. #2, but add that break time is almost over
4. he dabbles in our lives
5. he's goes by his own code of when to step in and when not to
6. #5, but there are some times he steps in only when we ask him to step in
7. #6, but there are certain ways you have to ask him, otherwise nothing will happen
8. we're all in a play that he wrote.  but as actors, we have some liberty within the role even though we can't change the play.
9. he has his hand on every element of life... and we are stringless puppets; but because he gave us minds, hearts, and wills, we are still responsible for our actions.
10. he has his hand on everything, but we are free to do as we please... so he's constantly responding to our decisions.
11. #10, but add a clause stipulating limitations to our freedom
12. #10 and/or #11, but clarifying that our freedom doesn't force his hand in any way.  his infinite sovereignty overrides our finite version.
13. he knows every decision we make before we make it
14. he knows every possible scenario in every possible decison... and therefore knows the ultimate result of our decisions and the end of the story... but gives freedom to us to make our own decisions to which he's constantly responding.
15. he used to be in control of it all, but is now limited in what he can do.  however, he's in the process of fixing all that.  so in the meantime, there's a war going on at head office.
16. alter, combine or create your own.

i've heard (and sometimes taught) variations of 5 through 15 in books and churches in my lifetime...  each one supported from scripture.  the conclusions are diverse and as mind-boggling as their implications.  and i haven't even added the 'satan' component yet!!!

since my scans, many have been quick to say, "praise G*D!  he answers prayers!"  by which they mean, "he answered it the way i wanted G*D to answer it".  and i know first hand what it feels like to be in a group and hear someone say it to another person when i, myself, had just received rotten news from my doc. 

insensitive?  maybe.  inconsistent?  definitely.  i've certainly never heard anyone say it at a funeral.  and i cringe at how my various friends must feel who heard it while unwrapping a very different christmas gift... ...from their hospice bed.

so i pose the question. 

when i play solitaire... am i playing by myself... or does G*D play along?

in the balance...

written on december 17th... but sheds light on my earlier post this morning.

it's hard to anticipate what waits for me on the other side of the next few weeks.

since my doc is heading on vacation shortly after my scans... and may not get the results until he returns... he's told me that i should know something by early january at the latest.  which is good since that means i don't have to be wondering all through the holidays if i'll hear anything.  i can just put it aside and enjoy the parties... stuffing  myself with friends, family & the many shapes of sugar-laden lard.

but when i do finally talk with my doc-friend... ...well... how do i prepare?

i don't want to get my hopes up of returning to work... only to be disappointed again.

on the other hand... i'm kind of feeling like i'm not gearing up for returning to work either.  feels like i should be doing some practice laps or something.

and then there are the issues i need to face regarding returning to work.  like...

...how best to jump into the mix & flow again... learning to pace myself instead of attempting to keep up with 'thing 1 & thing 2'... learning how to assert myself when i don't feel like i have much to offer... attempting to push past my own confusion about how much i should take on and take back... wrestling with being authentic and productive at the same time... fearful that i'll jump in and then have to step out again sooner than later.

of course i can't let these things lock me in the back room.  most can only be dealt with enroute to the normal duties of life.

but still... they roll around in my mind from time to time.

in the meantime... could someone please pass the christmas fudge?

i am legend...

these last few days since getting the good news from my doc have been interesting.

interesting because of what's been missing.  but it's not what you might think... and not even what i expected.

what's missing is my own exuberance.

i've been getting tons of emails and high fives and 'yea G*D's' and 'whooo hooo's'.  even some 'congrats'... which feels strange because i don't feel responsible for the good outcome.  lot's of other people have done whatever they could to beat their cancer too.  yet, not always with such good results.  a pat on the back almost feels like a slap in the face to someone with less than 'great' test results.  and having been on both sides... i've learned how easily the healthy add weight to the already burdened.

anyway... my point is that the people around me have been way more excited about this victory than i have.  at times i've felt a little guilty for not being more 'rah! rah!  i've even been tempted to put on a show just to avoid the strange looks i've gotten.

so... i've had to jump back into the petri dish to try to figure out what's going on.  and i think i'm beginning to figure it out.  i think.

in the last 2 months since finishing treatment, i've felt a lot of things in my right armpit.  so much so that i felt that i needed to prepare myself for the worst.  new lumps, aches, funny feelings, a growing tightness and numbness in my fingers... not to mention the constant ring in my ears and the frequent headaches (although thankfully minor)...  it all refused to allow me to forget... and i probably allowed it to dampen my hope.

hope is such an important element to survival.

and after spending a year on the roller coaster.  actually... if i think about it (if you include emma's experience)... after spending the last 6 years facing this ugly disease... i've sort of had to learn to anticipate and roll with the punches.  cancer can leave a person shell shocked.  'life outside the gardern' can do that to us all, i guess.

in order to survive the repeated bad news... the statistics... and the ever-looming unknowns along this journey, you learn some self-defense techniques.  for the most part in this last year i think i did a pretty good job of anticipating the punches and turning them over to G*D... leaving the outcome with him.  (which is what much of LIFE is about.)  but during the last few months... when i've felt more 'on my own'... in un-LIFE or 'life'... i think it was became all about survival.

so... i think i learned to activate an imaginary force-field around my heart to protect myself from disappointment and pain.   

of course, the reality is that imaginary force-fields never protect us from anything.  but somehow we trick ourselves into thinking they do.  or at least hoping.  but in the end, we're left bandaging the wounds from the very bullets, arrows, scalpels and treatments we thought we avoided... often at a time when life demands that we 'get moving'... return to normal... get on the bus or be left behind.  no wonder depression and post traumatic stress disorder are so prevalent in our society.

i'm not "bad randy"-ing myself though.  i mean.  it's a survival mechanism...  and maybe ultimately a way that G*D allows the pain to be spread out a bit over time so we don't have to wade through it all at once.

unfortunately, the novacaine isn't selective.  it dulls it all.

and now... like a groom realizing his over-zealous bachelor party is keeping him from enjoying his own wedding... i'm trying to throw ice-cold water on my face to wake myself up from the self-induced hang-over.  i'm wanting to find the anti-dote that will allow me to return to the daylight.

as corny as it sounds... today i was walking through a store after admitting my dilemma to a good friend... subconsciously thinking about all this stuff while looking for a pair of pants... (which is what happens when you let good friends sit next to you in your own vomit)... and began saying to myself over and over again... "i'm cancer free!"  hoping some of that frigid water would reach my heart.

funny... even now as i type those words... i feel the need to keep the shields up just in case the april scans show something different.  it's not fear.  it's just self-protection.  after all... this disease's m.o. is to hide.  stats show a high probability that it will return at some point... whether in months or years.

but i dont' think that's 'faith' either.

in order for this 'journey of leaps' to be real, i'll have to feel it... whether pain or pleasure. 

hope can't grow in a pot of self-denial.

i won't truly praise G*D for something that didn't feel good.  and i won't trust G*D for something that doesn't at least scare me a little bit. 

unfortunately that brings me right back to the festering wound. 

"what can i trust G*D for?"

yes... that's the nagging question.  the chain only stretches so far before i feel the tug at my collar once again... forcing me back to the stake.

the early gift...

i rarely can sleep-in on saturdays.

when i got up and came downstairs, jenn was sleeping on the couch after unsuccessfully trying to share the bed with emma's clogged nose.  grandma's in emma's bed.  ian had two friends sleep-over, and one of them crashed on his futon and another on the floor.  so... not wanting to disturb jenn's slumber, i headed to the basement couch for some reading and writing.

almost done with a post... my blackberry started flashing... so i checked to see what email had come in.

it was from dr. lao... entitled "my gift."

i was a little surprised to hear from him since he was supposed to be heading east with his family this morning for christmas.  i'd dropped our gift by his empty office before my scan on thursday... so i assumed he might be thanking us for the goodies. 

instead, this is part of what i read.

Randy - I looked at the PET Thurs pm but was waiting for the final reading (it just came up this morning)... looks great! Nothing that suggests residual disease in the axilla (armpit) and nothing anywhere else. 'Cause I know she'd want to... give Beth a high five for me!  I'm happy to give you something happy for the holidays as well.

of course i'll have regular exams and scans every few months or so.  they always say the only way you know melanoma's gone is if it never comes back.  but basically this is the best possible news i could get!

so... the shafer home is rejoicing today... tonight... and each new day G*D gives us to sip on all that continues to pour into our glass... which is way more than half full.

i can't thank my doc enough for his ruthless persistence and patience.  he continues to be a great physician and friend.

thanks to all for the constant love, prayers and good wishes. 

i'm truly blessed.

p.s.... here's an 'online fireworks' site so you can celebrate with me if you like!

glowing report...

it always seems wierd to me to think about people putting radioactive stuff in my body.

when i arrived, i asked the tech how it was going with the new machine... and how it was different from the last one. evidently it does the same thing as the one before (combining ct & pet images) but faster and the resolution is supposed to be better.  but the big thing is that it cuts the patient's time on the table by 25%... which is a lot when you're doing head to toe scans.

when i was all done, the tech asked if it seemed like the minutes seemed shorter than the last time.  i said, "i don't know... i just woke up."

which tells you how little i've been stressing about the scans.  even in my current twilight zone spirituality, there's been plenty of peace.  with all my questions, i've still been able to grab hold of the reality that the story isn't so much about me.  my survival doesn't make or break the ending.

with my doc heading on vacation, he's told me that i'll hear results no later than january 3rd.  which is kind of nice because i don't have to go through the holidays waiting for the phone to ring.

the part that seems more overwhelming to me is the part where i head back to work if my scans are good.

not that i'm dreading the thought of working again... or of working at westwinds.  it's just that it's been a long time.  i'm out of the loop... lazy... there's the whole chemo-brain thing... and spiritually i can't honestly say the wheels are 'back on the tracks' yet.  although i'm closer than i've been in a while. 

and the fact that lots has changed at ww since this whole thing started is a bit unsettling.  the team has done an incredible job.  but figuring out how i fit into the mix will be interesting to say the least.

so all in all... heading back to ww will feel a lot like starting a new job... with friends i've worked with in another lifetime... while i'm still waking up from a coma.  almost like what it must feel like to be that journeyman guy on tv who jumps back in time... and there's a lag as he tries to figure out what the heck just happened and why he's where he is.

of course i'm talking about all this as though it's definite that i'm heading back into the office on january 8th.  but that's all dependent upon the results.  which is why i don't spend much time thinking about this stuff.

time will tell.  until then, i'll keep trying to rest in the bigger purposes and character of G*D... and trying to hear the music in the fog.

in addition...

the other thing that's keeping me hanging on to christian orthodoxy these days...  ...albeit by a thread at times...

...on top of the other two things i've mentioned previously... ...scripture's honest portrayal of its heroes & all of humanity... and Jesus' willingness to grab a spoon and suck down the common swill along with the rest of us...

...are the countless entries in my own ship's log of interactions with G*D.

a few years ago our family started "rocking" our experiences... those things that happened to us that left a scent of the movement of G*D.  i'm sure some would say that many of them were coincidence... or certainly no indication that G*D is real, due to the reality that many people who don't believe in a god at all have similar things happen to them. 

and that's fair.

sometimes i, myself, wonder whether or not those stones are the direct result of G*D's fingers.  but up to this point that hasn't mattered to me so much, because it's been more about training my heart to be thankful for anything and everything that happens... and recognizing each one as characters on a page that combine to form a clear sentence eventually.

so... let's just say we ignore the hand-written symbols at this point, for in many ways i guess they are incidental.

regardless... ...the ones that cling to my soul are the ones that i can't attribute to anything else but the movement of G*D.

it may be as simple as the overwhelming Peace that countered an overwhelming difficulty.

or Wisdom that jumped out of the confusion... matched with the Strength to follow in spite of persecution and adversity.

it was the repeated 'in-the-nick-of-time' Provision.

and the lingering Fragrance in the air after something unique and wonderful.

it was the unmistakeable Voice that whispered in the fog on more than one ocassion... sometimes to me... sometimes to someone else in my family.

all these things continue to be boulder-size kidney stones in my soul... ...forcing me to admit that something real happened... and is happening.

the fact that i may not be aware of those realities at this juncture does not mean they don't exist... never existed... and will not exist again.

these things and the ones mentioned before them... combine to create a barrier reef of sorts... squelching the undercurrents that attempt to wash me out to sea... and settling the waves that crash against my mind. 

but like a reef, it's sometimes easy to forget it's there.

of course... that doesn't mean everything is as it was...  that all my sensibilities are in tact and that my thoughts of G*D are the same as they were before the tsunami came ashore. 

but... i don't think G*D intended for things to be the same.

there's a lot of carnage on the beach that must be dealt with.

but i'm guessing i just might find some treasure along the way as well.

i can turn my back on an ideology... but never on my old Friend.

at least... that's the leap i'm trying to take today.

ugh...

something on my "to do" list that keeps getting moved to the "avoid doing if at all possible" list... is our yearly christmas tiding.

beth didn't like my idea to just send everyone a link to my blog.  oh well.  i tried.

so... on to our yearly "animated" discussion about whether we'll...

1. keep it simple with one of those photo greeting thingys...
2. go with a christmas card and throw in a pic of the kids...
3. do the traditional family letter...
4. or attempt the more elaborate "shafer buzz".

we nixed #1 because we thought we should update people about our crazy year.  and the "card with a pic" idea got scratched because that usually ends up being a ton of work for beth... and she's got enough to do right now.  i like to be a bit more creative than #3.  so... that left #4.

actually i love doing the "shafer buzz."  but i also hate doing it.

first i compile some of the noteworthy events of the year.  then i weed out the ones that i think no one will really care about.  then i attempt to come up with a captivating title or headline.  and finally i write a funny script for each one that mixes reality with a little bit of fun... which is where things get a little tense.

for some reason when i tell stories on our family, everyone gets a little edgy.  i start getting comments like, "they're going to think you're serious, dad!" or "you'd better not tell them about..." and "i don't like that picture."  then there's the "that's too wordy" and the "you need a comma here" comments.  i guess in the end it makes the whole thing better than it would have been. 

today, between hanging a few more lights, changing a headlight, cutting some home-made fudge for beth (and eating a few along the way), finishing the laundry (among other things)... i also managed to finish the text of the shafer buzz... and survived the comments of the writer's guild that shares my home.

there's still lots more work before it's out the door.  but as far as i'm concerned... the hardest part's over.  although... here's one i wrote in june of '06 that never got stuck into an envelope.  so we'll see what happens this year. (click to make it larger)

if you don't get one by summer, it's probably because we don't have your address... or ran out of stamps...

...or one of my kids mugged me on the way to the mail box.

back entrance...

i've struggled a lot over these past couple of months.

physically i'm feeling great.  but internally that's not quite been the case.

although i couldn't express it... i now realize i've been angry at G*D.  but not about my illness so much. 

it's complicated.

the seminary answers and my own constructs for explaining evil in the world and G*D's role in the confusion just haven't been helping.  so i've been re-thinking pretty much everything... even though my counselor says my problem's probably more emotional than intellectual.  still... i keep trying to make sense of it all.  but not about my illness so much.

it's complicated.

one of the few things that has kept my fingernails in orthodoxy is the thought of Jesus wading into scum-covered trenches as he walked through the junk yard.  it's one thing to be angry at a god who stands outside time... handing out edicts and verdicts.  but it's quite another for The Infinite to need a watch... a babysitter... and learn to read... or deal with acne and jewish relatives...  to get splinters... feel the pressure of a father's stare... smell the stench of life and swim in the injustice and pain of the very world he breathed life into. 

surely watching his children as they repeatedly make horrible decisions and act foolishly was/is more painful than any spikes could ever be.

so... even though i struggle to understand all the reasoning behind why the innocent suffer so... i'm thankful that he added his name to the list...

...and that the story's not over.

strange color...

sometimes early in the morning… as i drive down the rolling hills near our home… the road dives in and out of the fog that floats in the low places.  and with each new descent, the wisps seem to reach out as i approach… … hungry to engulf my soul. 

i’m thankful their hold is fleeting.

i’ve been massaging the book of ecclesiastes for the last month or two.  or maybe it’s the other way around.  like lifting the lid on a simmering pot of chicken soup… solomon’s words intertwine with the air beneath my chin and resonate with thoughts already filling the lungs of my soul. 

his eye full of the absurdity of life… he struggles to wrap it in a blue tarp and wrestle it to the ground where he can study it for meaning.  and after finding little… he concludes that the best we can do is enjoy life, in spite of its contradictions and injustices… and follow a God who will somehow work everything out... at some point.

the fact this book made it into the jewish canon is one of the many things that amaze me and keep me hanging onto scripture… it’s refusal to delete the pictures that are blurry and under-exposed... and its insistence that they be framed and hung for all to study.  solomon’s wrestling match gives permission to my own.  his conclusions familiar.  his story the same as mine.

many people of the ancient pages wrestled with G*D. we do injustice to the text when we refuse to paint their faces with tones that betray their confusion and anger… their brows dripping with solomon’s struggle.

for what would relationships be without passion born in tension?

yet… this too does not explain the struggle.  it is neither the reason nor the excuse. 

it's only another hue in the box of molded wax.

check-up...

november 7th...

on saturday i jumped in for a quick shower before our friends arrived... and that's when i first noticed something odd.  just as the doc suggested, i do an "armpit check" about once a week...  usually without thinking much about it.  no... not to make sure i have an armpit... but to sense any changes in it that might indicate the cancer is there. 

but lately i've kind of given up on figuring out what's going on in the pit.  there's been so much done to it that it's hard to tell if what i feel is scar tissue... normal... or something i should tell the doc about.

this time i simply noticed a subtle change in the thickness of a certain area.  hmmmm.  but i didn't think much about it... and i was in a hurry.  the msu/uofm game was on... and i didn't want to miss any of it.  (unfortunately it was while i was in the shower that uofm regained the lead.  rats!)  ian said he had wrestled with who to root for.  but then he reasoned... do i cheer for the school my sister attends... or the school that is saving my dad's life?  hmmm.  sorry sis.

anyway... the next morning i spent a little more time digging around while in the shower.  and this time found 3 small lumps that i'd never noticed before.  rats again!  but... maybe they're nothing.

i was scheduled for my next doc visit on tuesday... so i figured i'd just wait until then to point them out to him.  sometimes in the past with a few docs, i've had to guide them to the lump.  but now i let them do their thing and wait to see what they come up with.  his examination verified the same 3 lumps... but he's not yet concerned about them.  like i said... so much has changed in that area that we can't be sure if they are new or just new to us noticing them.  (highly unlikely in my book... since when my doc feels my armpit, he can pretty much visualize everything... and is very thorough.)

anyway... he wants me to watch them over the next month until my next visit.  if they've grown by then, he'll order a ct.  if they haven't, we'll wait and see what the pet/ct scan shows that's scheduled for me on december 20th.  u of m is getting a new scanner that is supposed to be the best.  it will be ready to go on december 17th.

if it's determined they are cancerous, the protocol is for surgery and/or radiation... neither of which would be fun.

but hopefully they're nothing.

so... until then... i guess i'll just have to go back to my new/old nickname given to me in a comment from an old post by the one and only ricky lingenfelter... friend extraordinaire... hailing from the bustling town of chillicothie, il.

today...

saw my friend at uofm on tuesday... who happens also to be my doc, so he did a check-up between the laughter and the crazy stories we tell each other about our past & current lives. 

i have the best doc on the planet.

even though we're still feeling things in my armpit... he doesn't believe it warrants a biopsy at this point.  if the biopsy showed the return of the cancer, he'd need the scans to get the complete picture.  and if the biopsy didn't show anything... we'd still need the scans to show if it's anyplace else.  so... we wait for the scans.

doc c. is great at keeping me level-headed.  if he suspects that i might be anxious... he works to reassure me.  if he senses that i'm in denial... he gently brings me back to the harsh reality of my situation.

lots has happened over the last month... ... but too much to tell in one post... and some i'm not quite ready to put on a blog.  but good stuff to say the least.