things have been crazy.
i started back at westwinds on tuesday... which probably wasn't the smartest thing in the world since it was the morning after our big trip. (need more time than i have to post about that one. but it's coming!)
the staff greeted me with food and cards and balloons... and the typical razzing. john appeared in a hospital gown just to make sure i felt at home. nice touch.
jumping into the rapids is a challenge. not quite like jumping out of an airplane, but...
good friends who've experienced intense illness have advised me to go slow... work half days... keep the expectations low... whatever i need to do to pace myself and keep the horse from jumping out to the shoot and acting like it's been in training instead of recovery.
i'm not very good at that. i guess i think my internal struggles are already slowing me down enough. not that they're keeping me in check... it's just that they are keeping me from running.
we spent some time talking about what my role might look like. but that's not as simple of a discussion as you might think. as i've said before... lots has changed... around westwinds... and in me. my faith isn't where it was... nor do i think it's where it will be. but the problem is i'm just not far enough down the road to tell exactly where i'm going to land... or how soon. lots of questions still hang in my mind that make me feel like i'm living on a flood plain next to a dam located on a faultline.
it's a strange place to be. one day feels pretty normal... then the next feels anything but. on those days i go way beyond wrestling with whether i'm stable enough to continue on as a pastor. the guys are great... and patient. but i want to be fair to them and to the people of westwinds. so... lots more discussion to come.
lots of it revolves around issues related to the problem of evil. some of the missing pieces are corrupting my abilty to leap. my counselor thinks it's an emotional problem... and that my attempts at solving it intellectually won't be as helpful as i'm hoping they'll be. jumping back into the mix at westwinds this week has been good on many levels. it helps me to feel normalized at least on some level. i hear myself saying things that i would have said a year or two ago... and i wonder if i still agree with the words so easily floating out of my mouth. this week i wrote something interesting... at least to me. wanting to know what to say to a mother who's just lost her son is less about wanting the right answer when that time finally comes to say something.... today i started a new book by gregory boyd that will be a challenging, but interesting read. i'll let you know what i think. satan and the problem of evil: constructing a trinitarian warfare theodicy.
...and more about not wanting to say something cruel or misleading.
as i've said before... i'm not expecting to end up with a neat little package of beliefs. i don't think that's realistic. and frankly... i tend to be a bit suspiscious of people who profess to have their theology more or less shrink-wrapped. the bible just isn't that clear on some of these issues... in my opinion.
but i guess i'm hoping to put on some fresh gloves for the climb i'm on. the old ones have lost their grip.
deep down inside lies a subtle peace that it's only a matter of time before i find myself in a better place. it's just that the fog is a lot thicker than i expected it to be. trust is equally challenging.
i'm thankful for people who love me no matter what... who continue to spoon feed the love of G*D to me daily.
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