fogparty

if life hands you lemons...

...you know the rest.  or at least you thought you did.

but... if those lemons come with your water at a fancy-smancy restaurant... you might want to "just say no!"...  at least according to a recent report.

you see... i have this friend who works for the health department whose blog has brought me continuous chuckles through-out my the past year.  a gift in itself.  (i'm not sure if he's really that funny... or i just like the guy a lot so i find whatever he says to be humorous.  you can decide if you want.)

anyway... working for the h.d., (a job only slightly less hysterical than his previous one investigating the outrageous claims of people who eat at mickie d's) he often comes across interesting articles and situations between selling shaklee and hunting down wild boars.

but a few weeks ago he got a little personal... and i've only now decided to share my discontent with one of his posts.

bottom line:  in order to make us all aware (or to ruin our lives) he posted about a study showing that an amazing amount of gross stuff comes free of charge with those lemons you and i ask the waitress to add to our cheap glass of water so we don't taste the purification chems or the pipes or the dishwasher soap so much.  i guess the rules for food-handlers don't apply to the servers who go behind their little screens to fill up our glasses with the freebie h20.

now... long ago i'd heard that in restaurants you should always drink from a straw because the server may have touched the rim only minutes after coming from "the loo"... or handling the credit card, money or shared a pen with the slimy character at the next table! 

so... never touch your lips to the glass rim.  i get it!  since then it's been "straws only" for me unless i'm at a finer establishment.  but now he's taking away my lemon!!!

however... after reading that almost 70% of them carry some kind of undesireable microbe... i'm now begrudingly telling my waiter to "hold the lemon"... and helping blue eyes spread the word to help create a healthier, happier america.

enter today's post.

unfortunately i usually don't remember to tell people in person until after the waitress has placed the drinks on the table and everyone's had their first sip.  so... maybe after finally posting about it... i won't feel the need to say anything... or walk around the restaurant warning people that they might want to make sure they've had their flu shot before they take that next sip.

thanks my friend.  my life will never be the same, thanks to you.  oh... you might want to change your blog tagline to reflect your new found lemon phobia.  and... i guess i still love you even though you've stolen my lemons!

if you want to read his post for yourself... click here.

hmmm... maybe i could start bringing my own lemon slices in a little zip-loc!

more juice please...

last week... after several discussions with john & dave... we agreed that i would assume a part-time role at westwinds for now.  my next scans will be at the end of march... and if they continue to show nothing... i'll jump back in full-time.

i think it's a wise decision.

many had advised me to go slow and pace myself.

physically, it hasn't been that challenging to return.  yet during the last few weeks, i was shocked to experience how much my skills had atrophied... like being in someone else's body trying to convince it to do things it had never done before.  only... much of the tug-of-war was with my brain.  often it feels like i'm just a second or two out of sync with everything.

on my first sunday back, during the 3rd fusion... the constant ring in my head was joined by a tingling feeling from the neck up.  almost like someone walked up behind me... found a loose wire hanging out of my brain...  and connected a low current electrical charge.

combined with some light-headedness at times... and 2 eye bleeds in 10 days... i emailed my doc and asked if i should be concerned.  sometimes the effects of chemo don't present themselves for months.  "chris, is this normal?"  i wasn't sure if this was just something i'd need to learn to live with... or a symptom of a new development in the cancer.  i laughed when he replied, "well, being an oncologist, i always have to find out if it's oncological."  now that's a sentence you don't hear everyday!  anyway... an mri was ordered and thankfully the results were fine.

so... unless we're able to track it down as something else... i find myself asking G*D to remove it... or to at least give me the ability to live well with it.

after going through an intense medical condition... like many others, i've been trained to be more aware of all that's going on in my body.  that's a good thing most of the time.  but it also crams questions inside my skull.  i find myself having conversations with myself... debating as to whether or not it's something i need to tell my doc about or not.  the farther i get from my treatment, the less i allow myself to have those head-talks.  i don't want to ignore the signs... but i don't see any point in over-analysis.  getting used to the light-headedness and the numbness is challenging, but do-able.  i'm just praying it doesn't get worse.

anyway... that was another reason we thought it prudent to be part-time for now.

it will also help me to continue to do more research into the questions i've had of late... without feeling like i'm cutting into ww time.  i'm about half way through boyd's book and am finding it fascinating.  i hope to post about it soon.

hmm.  the thought came to mind just now... that maybe the tingling in my head isn't a bad thing at all.  i mean... sometimes things that feel bad at the time are in reality a sign of something good happening... only we don't yet see it as good.

it's fun to think that maybe that "low current" feeling is somehow a sign of the good reality i'm experiencing these days.

although returning to work has had it's challenges... it's been great to be back.  being part-time, i don't feel the pressure to swim the current at the same pace as the rest of the staff.  it's giving me permission to wade in... to play on the banks... and to get used to the tug at my feet.  and being part of the staff mix again is nudging me to load up with a few items that i didn't need in my backpack during this past year.  walking sticks that feel like old friends with whom i've shared the climb of a thousand mountain trails.  co-journeymen through this "just a little more time" terrain G*D is mercifully granting me.

so... maybe this feeling in my head isn't a bad thing... but kind of like the reality that G*D is hooking me up to a trickle charger... restoring me to full strength.

hmmm.......

if that's the case... ...i could learn to live with that.

head in the clouds...

this morning i passed jackson's little airport on my route from beaners biggbys to westwinds.  seeing 'the accord' in the parking lot... i knew ian had arrived safely.  he's getting a plane ride as part of the entry process into the aviation program at jcc while he finishes his senior year.  he started 'ground school' a couple weeks ago and is loving it.

it's overcast here in jackson today... but as i continued my drive i imagined him above the clouds.  which reminded me of our jump a couple weeks back... ...all connecting me with the parallel reality that exists a few thousand feet up... every day... every week... every month... every year... and at this very second.  a reality much different than the reality that permeates the 8 feet of frigid oxygen we breathe and swim in these days.

both are realities.  it just depends upon your location.

neither is better than the other... although i definitely lean toward wanting the sunshine more than the grey.

clouds aren't bad.  they're just clouds.

at the same time... if it weren't for the clouds, we'd all be experiencing the sunshine reality that elludes us so often in these winter months... instead of having to dream about it day after day.

...it's too easy to conclude that if our location was somehow different, everything would be different. 

i have to work hard at times to remember that the difference between life and LIFE is more about perspective than location.  i may never be able to alter my location... i can always change my perspective.

after all, it's foolish for me to conclude that being "above the clouds" would be the location to offer the ultimate vantage point... for even though a different view exists 14,000 feet up, an even better one dwells beyond the oxygen...  and one of the solar system sits beyond that...  and beyond that lies the "kodak picture lookout point" of the universe.  and beyond that...

and no matter how many "beyonds" i add, the one beyond the last beyond... no amount of location changes could match the perspective of The One Who Is Beyond It All.  since he is everywhere present... location is not pertinent to his perspective.  his reality is both sunny & cloudy at the same time without it being partly cloudy... for he sees all things clearly.

on top of that...

no matter how old i get... or how wise i grow.  no matter how saturated i become with knowledge of natural & supernatural things... no matter how much the Spirit of G*D consumes me... ...my perspective will always be limited.

which is why trust is so important... and ever will be, i guess.

and although i believe G*D placed within us a good desire to understand what we don't understand... i kind of think...

...that just maybe if today i climb onto the tops of his feet...

...he'll grab my hands... and we'll stride around the kitchen together... my movement matching his... him taking me to the places he wants me to experience.  us seeing it all together.

i'm thinking that only then... i just might see things a bit more clearly than i ever could by running around trying to look at life from a million different angles in hopes of gaining wisdom to match the complexities of life. 

and a lot more fun.

hmmmmm.

maybe it's all about location after all.

lord, in my searching for answers... may my heart be captured by the wonder of your presence in the room.  show me your feet that i may climb above it all... and laugh with you... as i taste the joy in your eyes and feel the pulse in your fingers.

b-day to last a lifetime... (part 2)

after 'the jump' you'd think the rest of the trip would be a bust.  but it wasn't.

quickly we realized the 4 of us shared a unique bond that would last forever.  we were now 'sky-brothers'... and the next few days would only serve to marinate the experience.

but what do you do after stepping out of a plane at 18,000 ft.?  drive home and watch tv?  nope!  having tapped into my son's dreams for the future... i now drilled for oil in his dreams from the past.

after a quick freshen-up back at our hosts, we headed out for a bite to eat.  but not just any greasy joint would do.  the rental pumpkin took us to 'the pirate dinner adventure' where we met up with his cousin, lindsey, and her fiance, marty.  the tables circling the ship/stage, we jeered as the plot unfolded... cheering on our green pirate in hopes he'd be the one to rescue the captured beautiful maiden and win her hand.  the voyage fare flavors mingled with our childhood fantasies as pirates swung on ropes, tumbled across the deck, and dangled from the mast.

then ian's lifelong dream became a reality when he boarded the ship and was sworn in as a forever pirate.  it was great... even though he was a bit older than the other blokes joining the ship's crew!  he hesitated to go up... but he dared not arrrrrgh-ue with his dad.

it was a great cap to an amazing day.

the next morning, we met up with disney cast members, lindsey & marty, who got us into the park and shall we say enabled us to sustain a magical pace for our fun.  we discovered that kenny had never been to florida... an nba game... or disney.  so it was a double treat to watch him revert to his childhood years.  avoiding most lines, we were able to ride on everything we wanted... get our picture taken with buzz... conquer space mountain and spin the teacups faster than they've ever been spun... with time sparing to head to epcot... do the 'test track' and 'soarin'... and throw down some eggrolls in china.

it was a long day... and our bodies quickly transformed into cement the moment we hit the sheets.

our final 24 found us heading to daytona.  ian & i had an appointment to check out embry-riddle for aviation.  quickly determining it wasn't for us... we beelined to the shore to drive the beach and play away the rest of the day on the sand & waves.  but soon the clock began to strike midnight when we exchanged our chariot for a plane ride home and an airport shuttle that delivered us to corey's cold jeep waiting in the gray-toned winter michigan airport parking garage.

oh well.

the memories live on...

...and hopefully spark dreams of a different kind.

a birthday to last a lifetime... (part 1)

8:30 p.m. - thursday
the moment finally arrives.  after the candle is snuffed, ian opens the card with the skydive certificate.  he wasn't really surprised to see it.  he thought it was a given we'd go this summer.  but he was clueless that we'd be making the jump on his actual birthday in 2 days!

he freaked.

9:00 p.m.
corey's come to spend the night on his way to see some friends in ann arbor the next day... so, he can drive us to the airport.  wow!  what a coincidence!

ian's clueless.

4:45 a.m. - friday
corey, ian & i are scrounging for breakfast before we make the trip east to catch the plane to orlando.  ian's buddy, kenny, walks casually into the kitchen.  ian shifts from groggy to puzzled... almost that "oh-oh" expression... wondering what the heck is going on.  after a couple minutes of awkwardness... the pieces fall together in ian's mind as he connects with the reality that kenny is heading to florida with us. 

he freaks.

5:15 a.m.
packed into corey's car, we pick up joe on the way who happens to be catching a flight to l.a. about the same time.  he's in on the surprise... and the secret about corey coming too is safe until we end the hour trip to detroit metro and park in the garage and all the luggage comes out... including corey's. 

phase 3 of the surprise unfolds without a snag. 

there are few things better in life than surprising your kids.  the best.  the entire trip is filled with mental snapshots of ian's growing realization that he's actually getting to live his dream.

but there's more to come.

11:30 a.m. - orlando
a good friend hooked us up with a phenomenal couple who was willing to put us up for the 4 days.  unbelievable.  (thanks "morey!") the dietmeiers have a beautiful home, love Jesus... and had been matching my posts with their prayers even though we'd never met.  it's humbling to meet people who've prayed for you for a year!  new friends for life.

no sooner had we dropped off our bags, than we hopped back into the hybrid rental... grabbed a quick bite and headed to the game.  my neice & her fiance' had 4 tickets for us to see the magic play the houston rockets!

ian was pumped!

10:00 a.m. - saturday - january 5th - ian's 18th birthday
we arrived in titusville and began signing all the paperwork.  hmmmm.  over 15 pages.  should i be concerned?

all disclaimers read and 'promise not to sue' signed... we wait for the first 'load' to jump.  we were in the second.  the sky wasn't cooperating.  suddenly there was a break and immediately the plane filled... and before we knew it, the clouds were breaking out in parachutes.  but no sooner had they landed than they grounded us for another few hours. 

professional skydivers are a curious lot... not unlike how you might envision a cadre' of surfer dudes.  with the hold-up from the weather... one master said, "gee, if i'd know we were going to have to wait this long to jump, i wouldn't have stopped drinking at sunrise!"  we're pretty sure he was joking.

then after hearing our fill of skydiver war-stories, kenny & i skewered ian & corey in a game of euchre to pass the time.  i'm not sure the waiting made it easier or harder.  it certainly slowed the adrenaline rush to a crawl...  that is until the loud-speaker squawked in the hangar... ordering us to load.

and before we could have 2nd thoughts, our harnesses were tightened beyond comfortable... and we were seated in the plane... climbing to 18,000.

not every place jumps that high.  'skydive spacecenter' offers a 15,000' jump... the highest in florida.  but their 18,000 is the highest tandem jump in the world!  i checked out their ratings and they seemed to know what they were doing.  we weren't disappointed.

having had time to chew with the 'masters', i wasn't anxious in the least.  i got a fortune cookie over the christmas holiday.  we all laughed at the time... but a few of us laughed nervously.  ian had planned to jump first, but they loaded us so that i was last in... and the first to dive.  that also meant i was seated next to the door...  ...the thin... clear... plastic... door.  and as we crawled above the clouds, i could feel my body attempting to prepare itself for something my mind could not anticipate.  'shock' is what i think they call it.  why had i told my tandem master that i loved roller coasters and that i was up for anything he wanted to throw at me???  behind my back i heard them talking... "i thought his harness was supposed to go into the shop to be worked on.  is it safe?"  very funny guys.

reaching 18, the guy doing his 'accelerated free fall' went first... giving me more time to stare at the ground below... through the clouds below.  and before i knew it, we were backing out the door and doing a back flip off the plane... as we plunged toward the terra firma at 120 m.p.h.

free-falling for 90 seconds is a long time.  not at all like a roller-coaster ride or falling.  the only way i can explain it is to say that it was pure sensation overload...  and i loved every second.  (i hardly even noticed the guy on my back... but i'm glad he was there.  hmmm... there's a sermon illustration there someplace i'm sure.)

once the chute opened, the freefall roar quckly shifted to a peaceful, carefree glide in the sky.

we all landed safely... wishing we had the money to go again.  i can easily see why people get hooked on this stuff.  i'll let the video do the talking.  ian got his own... but i'm not allowed to post it until each of his friends have seen it.  his videographer also captured me jumping as they sat inside the plane.  it was all so amazing.

but even better than jumping... was feeling the excitment in my son... sensing that he'd remain above the clouds for much longer than the rest of us.  it was so worth it.

keep dreaming, son. 

G*D created you to dream.  it's his fingerprint inside your mind that invites you to the party.  for your dreams will give you a taste of the world he wants for you... full of life... full of beauty... full of wonder... full of everything he created you to enjoy. 

and never forget that dreams were meant to be lived.

speechless...

our friend's sister died late last night.

the email came this morning.

even though we knew it appeared to be inevitable... we still weren't prepared for the feelings that hit us when we heard the news.

concern about our friends.

questions that hover.

the reality of life's frailty sits on our shoulders.

faith whispers in one ear.

fear shouts in the other.

peace arrives on the midnight train...

...but only after tears and the realization that the words that satisfy reside in the mouth of The One who gave all so that one day all things would be made right.

come quickly, Lord Jesus.

hi ho... hi ho...

things have been crazy.

i started back at westwinds on tuesday... which probably wasn't the smartest thing in the world since it was the morning after our big trip.  (need more time than i have to post about that one.  but it's coming!)

the staff greeted me with food and cards and balloons... and the typical razzing.  john appeared in a hospital gown just to make sure i felt at home.  nice touch.

jumping into the rapids is a challenge.  not quite like jumping out of an airplane, but...

good friends who've experienced intense illness have advised me to go slow... work half days... keep the expectations low... whatever i need to do to pace myself and keep the horse from jumping out to the shoot and acting like it's been in training instead of recovery.

i'm not very good at that.  i guess i think my internal struggles are already slowing me down enough.  not that they're keeping me in check... it's just that they are keeping me from running.

we spent some time talking about what my role might look like.  but that's not as simple of a discussion as you might think.  as i've said before... lots has changed... around westwinds... and in me.  my faith isn't where it was... nor do i think it's where it will be.  but the problem is i'm just not far enough down the road to tell exactly where i'm going to land... or how soon.  lots of questions still hang in my mind that make me feel like i'm living on a flood plain next to a dam located on a faultline.

it's a strange place to be.  one day feels pretty normal... then the next feels anything but.  on those days i go way beyond wrestling with whether i'm stable enough to continue on as a pastor.  the guys are great... and patient.  but i want to be fair to them and to the people of westwinds.  so... lots more discussion to come.

lots of it revolves around issues related to the problem of evil.  some of the missing pieces are corrupting my abilty to leap.  my counselor thinks it's an emotional problem... and that my attempts at solving it intellectually won't be as helpful as i'm hoping they'll be. 

jumping back into the mix at westwinds this week has been good on many levels.  it helps me to feel normalized at least on some level.  i hear myself saying things that i would have said a year or two ago... and i wonder if i still agree with the words so easily floating out of my mouth.

this week i wrote something interesting... at least to me.

wanting to know what to say to a mother who's just lost her son is less about wanting the right answer when that time finally comes to say something....

...and more about not wanting to say something cruel or misleading.

today i started a new book by gregory boyd that will be a challenging, but interesting read.  i'll let you know what i think.  satan and the problem of evil: constructing a trinitarian warfare theodicy. 

as i've said before... i'm not expecting to end up with a neat little package of beliefs.  i don't think that's realistic.  and frankly... i tend to be a bit suspiscious of people who profess to have their theology more or less shrink-wrapped.  the bible just isn't that clear on some of these issues... in my opinion.

but i guess i'm hoping to put on some fresh gloves for the climb i'm on.  the old ones have lost their grip.

deep down inside lies a subtle peace that it's only a matter of time before i find myself in a better place.  it's just that the fog is a lot thicker than i expected it to be.  trust is equally challenging.

i'm thankful for people who love me no matter what... who continue to spoon feed the love of G*D to me daily.

the plane truth...

now that the cat's at least part way out of the bag... i can let some of you in on a little project i've been working on for quite some time.

i guess you could say it all started 2 years ago when jenn turned 18.  we decided to do something special for her birthday... so, she and beth took the train to chicago... stayed in a lavish hotel (for peanuts, thanks to hotwire)... and saw 'wicked'.  the only thing that could have made their time more perfect would have been if i had joined them!  (at least that's my version)

few people know this, but as the curtain lifted there in that chicago theatre... jenn was so happy, she started to cry.  and today she says that experience is when she began to allow her heart to dream of the possibility that she could one day be on-stage too.

dreaming is such an important thing for a person... no matter what their age.  it comes easier for some more than others.  but i think there are certain life stages when it's absolutely essential.  and in my opinion... the senior year is one of them.

anyway... ever since jenn's eighteenth... ian's been dreaming of what we could do for his 18th.

he's been exploring different schools for aviation... and one of those schools is in florida.  we'd heard it was a top of the line place for pilot training... so i decided i'd surprise him and plan a little getaway to orlando for his birthday... and mix in a visit to a school that he had only dreamt of attending.

but actually... that's the cover-up. 

the real thing ian wants to do for his 18th is to go skydiving with his dad.  which is what he's been dreaming about for the last 2 years.  of course... one man's dream may be another man's nightmare!

after his 17th birthday... when i became sick... i'm sure he kind of put the dream on hold.  he'd bring it up every now and then.  but he knew that jumping out of a plane wasn't exactly on his dad's top ten list of things to think about between chemo treatments.  however... secretly i hoped that no matter how things turned out with my health... that i'd be able to have the strength to pull the cord alongside the best son in the world.

and as my strength returned and i waited for the scan results... i determined that skydiving with ian would either be a great way to make a memory (if the results were bad)... or a great way to celebrate (if they were good).

so... tonight we told him that the flight we're boarding tomorrow morning (oops.. this morning!)... is not just taking us for a college visit.  and you would not believe how excited he is.

of course, i, on the other hand am wondering what particular drug is responsible for lowering my defenses and getting me into this mess!

but the surprise isn't over yet. 

in the morning he'll discover that 2 of his friends are joining us on the trip.  he is going to flip out!

so think of us on ian's birthday this saturday around 10 or 11.  that's when we'll be jumping at 18,000 for ian's 18th.  if all goes well.

that's when the dream becomes a reality... and hopefully explodes into a lifetime of allowing God to lift his eyes beyond what seems possible or probable.

oh... and prayers would be greatly appreciated for his old man.

to every thing...

our trip to cleveland for new years got diverted to chicago at the last minute.  one of the couples couldn't make the trip, so we decided to go to them instead.  instructing greta (beth's brand-new garmin) to head east instead of southwest was painless.  and in no time we found ourselves enjoying the warmth of good friends even as the bitter cold was settling into the area.

long-ago friends don't spend all their time nibbling on memories.  they also feast on slow-roasted tales that keep the connection wrapped in towels anticipating the banquet.  and we had plenty to talk about.  since our days together, each of the 3 families has been rocked by cancer... and amazingly all by melanoma.  weird.

as the kaleison approached, i wondered how my own internal struggles would be received... or used... and how theirs would carve new words into my heart.

one friend's story intertwined with her sister's struggle with melanoma.  a story eerily similar to mine... but with an ending vastly different.  as we swapped journal entries, i couldn't help but appreciate the care i've received from dr. lao.

diagnosed 10 months ago... her most recent scans revealed the melanoma has infiltrated her liver and brain.  although they refuse to give up hope... statistically there is little... and they already see the effects of the disease's spread.

of course i'm thankful for my outcome.  but i'd be lying if i didn't admit that it reminds me of how quickly things could change for me... and how easily our stories could have been identical.

and so... in spite of time and distance... we found ourselves swimming in the same whirlpool... trying to make sense of it all... fighting the same current... trying to celebrate with one and grieve with the other.

they too had prayed for wisdom regarding medical care, and had asked G*D to direct them to doctors who could help... just like i had done.  but although her initial diagnosis was comparable to mine, the judgment of her docs separated her from the options that were available to me.

then in a cruel turn of events... just before her most recent scans, she visited a couple other doctors (mine included) looking for some second opinions and was encouraged to seek treatment options that her mayo docs had always said were not available to her.  encouraged, she moved toward those new/old options... but in the process the newer scans revealed the spread... shutting her off from the very treatments that may have helped her if offered to her from the start.  the very ones that helped me.

like a nightmare renders a child unable to yell for help... at times like this, the anger overwhelms one's abilty to ask "why?"

pain often silences the questions... at least for awhile.

but deep inside we know there are no answers anyway... or at least not ones we can presently understand.

so... even in my confusion about prayer... i pray for her to know the peace that goes beyond understanding.  sometimes that's the only thing that gets us through.

at other times the shared confusion of a friend is what preserves a hint of sanity and offers a faint glimpse of comfort.

one might ask upon reading a post like today's... "am i not thankful for my results?"

of course i am!

faith thanks G*D for good things even in the dark.

but there are times when rejoicing seems inappropriate... or even ungodly.  so... maybe my calloused heart is a gift... allowing me to weep with a friend.

if so... may my heart never lose the memory of the thickness that has dulled it during this time.