last week... after several discussions with john & dave... we agreed that i would assume a part-time role at westwinds for now. my next scans will be at the end of march... and if they continue to show nothing... i'll jump back in full-time.
i think it's a wise decision.
many had advised me to go slow and pace myself.
physically, it hasn't been that challenging to return. yet during the last few weeks, i was shocked to experience how much my skills had atrophied... like being in someone else's body trying to convince it to do things it had never done before. only... much of the tug-of-war was with my brain. often it feels like i'm just a second or two out of sync with everything.
on my first sunday back, during the 3rd fusion... the constant ring in my head was joined by a tingling feeling from the neck up. almost like someone walked up behind me... found a loose wire hanging out of my brain... and connected a low current electrical charge.
combined with some light-headedness at times... and 2 eye bleeds in 10 days... i emailed my doc and asked if i should be concerned. sometimes the effects of chemo don't present themselves for months. "chris, is this normal?" i wasn't sure if this was just something i'd need to learn to live with... or a symptom of a new development in the cancer. i laughed when he replied, "well, being an oncologist, i always have to find out if it's oncological." now that's a sentence you don't hear everyday! anyway... an mri was ordered and thankfully the results were fine.
so... unless we're able to track it down as something else... i find myself asking G*D to remove it... or to at least give me the ability to live well with it.
after going through an intense medical condition... like many others, i've been trained to be more aware of all that's going on in my body. that's a good thing most of the time. but it also crams questions inside my skull. i find myself having conversations with myself... debating as to whether or not it's something i need to tell my doc about or not. the farther i get from my treatment, the less i allow myself to have those head-talks. i don't want to ignore the signs... but i don't see any point in over-analysis. getting used to the light-headedness and the numbness is challenging, but do-able. i'm just praying it doesn't get worse.
anyway... that was another reason we thought it prudent to be part-time for now.
it will also help me to continue to do more research into the questions i've had of late... without feeling like i'm cutting into ww time. i'm about half way through boyd's book and am finding it fascinating. i hope to post about it soon.
hmm. the thought came to mind just now... that maybe the tingling in my head isn't a bad thing at all. i mean... sometimes things that feel bad at the time are in reality a sign of something good happening... only we don't yet see it as good.
it's fun to think that maybe that "low current" feeling is somehow a sign of the good reality i'm experiencing these days.
although returning to work has had it's challenges... it's been great to be back. being part-time, i don't feel the pressure to swim the current at the same pace as the rest of the staff. it's giving me permission to wade in... to play on the banks... and to get used to the tug at my feet. and being part of the staff mix again is nudging me to load up with a few items that i didn't need in my backpack during this past year. walking sticks that feel like old friends with whom i've shared the climb of a thousand mountain trails. co-journeymen through this "just a little more time" terrain G*D is mercifully granting me.
so... maybe this feeling in my head isn't a bad thing... but kind of like the reality that G*D is hooking me up to a trickle charger... restoring me to full strength.
hmmm.......
if that's the case... ...i could learn to live with that.
Comments