one of the "work together for good"s emerging from this past year is this journey back home i'm currently on. home feels so far away. and yet... so close. i see glimpses all around and stumble into whiffs that flip my mind-remote briefly to the preferred channel.
waking up in iceland isn't a bad thing... at least to me. but it has been unsettling. i fully expected this past year to dump me in a new place. yet i grossly underestimated how much i'd miss my birthplace... and how alone i'd feel on the way back... and the inevitable awkwardness that comes with returning to a a new hometown, like one in the process of being rebuilt after a tornado leveled most everything.
my previous life mostly felt like one long conversation with G*D.
my new life mostly feels like that was all a wonderful dream. another lifetime. like i'm living in an amusement park after it's closed for the season and everyone's gone home.
i know this is temporary, but.
somedays it feels like the park is open... but i'm not allowed on any of the rides. or maybe more like i'm allowed, but i'm the one who's not quite ready to get on just yet.
there are some things about me that have fundamentally changed. perspectives that can never be the same... nor should they be... even as scary as that may sound to others.
and no matter how much i wish i were a child again... blind to the questions that wallpaper the minds of the sequoias that surround.
i'm not.
when i first began following Jesus... i started getting to know G*D as we sat and munched on the scriptures together. i was eager to eat as much as i could for i had never before noticed the wonderful flavors that filled each bite. the conversation was equally consuming for there was much to learn... and i was starved for the affection of the One who had gone to great lengths to prepare such a spread and invite me to the table.
trust was immediate and infinite.
however, i now feel compelled to look more carefully at all that fills my plate. the conversation is awkward with long periods of silence... and efforts to trust feel more like putting on a favorite jacket and finding it two sizes too small.
just the same... i know these meals and the conversatons are important. i guess i could grab things from the fridge and eat on the fly. but i realize that it's not the food that's needed right now... as much as the diaologue that will be my 'two-heel-clicks-back-to-kansas'.
like a lover who wants to restore an injured relationship... i know it will come slowly and with lots of effort. i know in my head that someday it can be better than it had ever been. but when i'm honest with myself... i admit that my heart holds some degree of skepticism... and angst.
ironically i get that it all comes down to trust.
in what will i rest today? what can i trust you for today, Jesus?
my sole hope is not in my own ability to find my way out of this maze... ...but that in time i'll be able to feel the breath of The One who will strengthen my legs... enabling me to rise and follow the sound of his voice... that we may resume the conversation.
until then... i sit in this house of mirrors... while children laugh in the spinning teacups nearby.
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