fogparty

crash... part 1

i think it's time i begin to uncover some layers to my journey that i haven't felt comfortable fully disclosing.  i've always committed myself to being authentic on this blog.  and i have been.  but i didn't see the need for me to unpack everything.  and i guess i was concerned that some of it may be unhelpful.  so i reserved some thoughts for face to face conversations with my 'luckier' friends.

but then someone who was in pain met with me... and listened... and encouraged me to continue to remain vulnerable about all that i'm experiencing.  he said, "who better than you to show us how to struggle?"

i didn't receive that as pressure... but rather as a plea for help.  and it got me thinking.

part of my hesitation surrounds the puzzle of just how to unravel my thoughts and lay them out in a linear fashion.  i'm still not sure how it's going to work.  we'll see, i guess.  so over the next while... amid other more random posts... i'm going to spread my laundry over the bed.  from time to time i'll even post things i wrote weeks or months ago, but never felt comfortable publishing.  and in doing so, i'm hoping it will help me... and maybe a few others.

many have assumed this crisis of faith that i find myself encountering has been about my fight with cancer.  yes, and no.  mostly no.

"yes"... in the sense that i don't think it's possible for anyone to go through major life problems without it affecting them on some level.  but for the most part my health issues haven't been a struggle for me spiritually.  i haven't nor do I live with fear about my future.  like anyone... i want to live as long as i can.  but i've seen way too many examples of the unpredictability of life to hold an entitlement attitude... at least when it comes to my longevity.

the real struggle came about 4-5 months ago in september... about a month after my last treatment.  the memory is a little too clear.

emma and beth were in memphis for one of emm's st. jude check-ups and i was praying for a good report.  and in the middle of my prayer, i suddenly realized something.  it became all too clear that no matter how hard, long, or diligently i prayed... and no matter how many people were praying... there was no way i could be sure the cancer would never return to her body.  put more tangibly...  there was no way i could keep my daughter from experiencing the horror of what i had just gone through.

that reality stabbed me on a variety of levels.

i began to question...  why is that so?  i mean... if G*D is truly sovereign, then couldn't he keep her from such pain?  and if he is truly loving, why wouldn't he do that?

i began to question... what are the benefits of following & persevering with Jesus if G*D isn't going to answer the prayers that are most important to me? 

i began to question... as a dad who's trying to follow G*D, didn't G*D create me with a need and desire to protect my family?  and if so... why would he allow anything to keep me from fulfilling that G*D-ordained desire especially if i were employing all the tools given to me, like prayer & faith & trust?

ultimately i cracked open a door that allowed me to begin to question the character of G*D.  only little things at first.  but with time it became like a black hole into which i allowed myself to second guess everything.

everything.

that crack boiled down to one question.  "G*D, what can i really trust you for?"

i've mentioned before that i'm all about trusting G*D... as opposed to trusting G*D "for".  and i still think that's a good way to live.  i guess i needed a little more.

you see... i could look back and handle all the pain i'd been dealt through life.  i could explain it all away as either the result of my sin, humanity's sin, lessons to improve my character & test my devotion, exercises in overcoming & taking authority.  i could see "the good" that would come out of it all.  and when emma was diagnosed with melanoma at the age of eight, i never once asked G*D "why".  i just trusted him... ...and told him i'd be faithful no matter what.

but on that day in september... thinking about my daughter's world... ...i.e., getting cancer at the age of 8... going through her terrible treatment... living with the reminder every 6-months that the cancer could return anytime... then watching her dad's cancer return, which happened to be the same cancer she had... then experiencing her dad's pain as he endured the treatment for the same cancer that could return to her body of which she had to be reminded could come back every 6 months... 

but this is where the "tilt" happened.

...as i thought about how hard it must be for a child to see "the good" in all that... how hard it would be for her to see G*D in all that.  well... it just seemed unfair.  like he was making it next to impossible for her to love him.  and the thought that G*D was intending or allowing or permitting the odds to be stacked against her physically and spiritually... pushed me over the edge.

and i became resentful... and disappointed... and angry...

...with G*D.

loco-motion...

yesterday i dropped off a video after church.  and on my way home, i was the halted by an approaching train at the tracks by the airport.

i don't know if it's a guy thing... a generational thing... or a cultural thing... but trains have been a strange thread thoughout my journey.  what kid doesn't like trains... whether the little kind that ran across our bedroom floor growing up... or the massive kind that ran the tracks edging the fields of our farm?

walking along the rails was fascinating when i was a kid.  the twin lines that became one in either direction possessed a magical quality that lured me there regularly.  but always with a canteen of fear... that quickly overpowered the fantasy whenever i suspected an actual train might be coming through.  it's a scary thing to place your head on the steel in hopes of staying way ahead of the monster.  and that single light in the distance changed everything faster than my legs could climb the embankment into the safety of the bean field.  where and how far away to run was always a curious delimma... like ants that scurry in confusion when their rock safety has been disturbed. 

ocassionally as i drive across the plains on my way toward "middle-of-no-where" illinois, i'll glimpse a long snake of a freight train heading someplace... but most of the trains i wait for today are the passenger kind.  'amtrak' making its run between chicago and detroit or beyond.  and that's what it was yesterday.  i don't think any passenger trains ever went along the nickel-plate line when i was a kid.

yesterday's 3-car passenger version got me thinking about something i'd never mentally fussed over much before.  that being... the two opposing heads of the monster.  passenger trains don't have cabooses.  they have two engines, one at each end.  but it's not completely accurate to say they have two heads.  yet they do.  and i guess it would be just as accurate to say they have two tails, even though they don't.

the reality that in order for the train to move at all... one engine has to assume the tail position in order for there to be movement... is an interesting image.  the complimentary reality... that in short order that same tail will become the head and the previous head must exchange headship for tailship... is equally fascinating.

were this symbiotic relationship not to exist, the train could not move... even though it might expend huge amounts of energy.  and in order for things to work efficiently... complete surrender is required by one.  and yet... were one engine to be granted official and eternal headship, the train could only go so far before it would come to the end of the line... or some roundhouse for re-positioning.

in order for the multi-ton siamese twins to work efficiently... they must both equally and totally lead and submit.

even though we're talking about machines here... it's a worthy image for reflection.

partly cloudy... with patches of sun...

i didn't think that "on ramps" were so winding and twisting... and long! 

many times i've wondered if i made a wrong turn someplace and am heading away from my destination... even though i remind myself that the journey is the destination... is the journey... is the...

lord... save me from dehydrating life down to "successories" quotes!

anyway... i'm encouraged because there are definitely more and more moments that feel like G*D is bringing clarity back to my life in spite of the fact that many questions remain unanswered... and in spite of the reality that many days still find me fighting thoughts of inevitable hopelessness.  i guess i'm truly becoming more and more comfortable with the fog again... although i wouldn't say it's a party yet.

it helps to be able to string together little moments that keep showing up.  some related... some not.  but all healing in a strange sort of way...  clues to the movement of G*D in and around me.

one.  i keep running into people with horrific stories... past & present.  inside me as i listen, i'm noticing a shift from frustration and anger at our shared condition... to more of a willingness to sit with them in their pain.  and that feels healthy to me on some level.

two.  some of these story-tellers slay me with an incredible ability to put it all behind them and keep moving forward.  not in a "make believe that it never happened" sort of way... nor a "life is good" t-shirt placebo sort of way either.  but in a way that embraces the pain and allows it to catapult them to do great things in it.  it inspires me to do the same with my pain.

three.  one man brought me lunch the other day... and after listening to my journey, simply and sincerely told me that i was a gift of spiritual authenticity in a world that tends to ignore, deny and run from how hard life truly is... and that i need not be afraid to continue to wrestle, because it is for the benefit of others like him who somehow became submerged by the pain... that i am somehow helping him & others find their way out.  wow.

four.  then that same man prayed one of the most beautiful and passionate and simple prayers for me that i've ever heard.  that experience in itself was healing.  (i can't help but wonder if he prayed that way before life took him south.)  what a gift he was to me that day.

five.  sometimes it feels like i'm walking that beginner trail again.  as i do, i walk remembering the first time i walked it... and yet, i also walk it as one who's travelled it 15 times and saw something different with each sojourn.  so along the way i'm remembering old things and seeing new things.  it's like i'm living in several dimensions all at once.  strange. 

it's like G*D is taking out key photos from my album and placing them in my lap... helping me remember important times and lessons learned.  some of those photos are like puzzle pieces you come across under the table leg... waiting to be discovered and returned to the mix of others separated & organized on the surface.  (more on this in an upcoming post.)

six.  last night i had a wonderful conversation with a friend who's trying to find meaning in his life.  as much as i hope it was helpful to him... the discussion forced me to remember and articulate memories and reasons for my journey of following Jesus.  it sort of stuck my face in the bowl of soul-food and made me stare at the vast number of good things that have been added to my life... making me admit that there's no way i could ever turn my back on the One who's hung with me through so much of my wavering and rebellion and half-hearted followership.

so even though i have a long way to go... ...there's a lot going on. 

and somedays i feel like i'm on the outskirts of town...

...of home.

that's interesting...

my last appointment with dr. lao was good on many levels.

it's always great to meet with him because we have fun together.  i'm not sure many people would descibe their oncology appointments that way.  so... i have a lot to be thankful for.

when we finally got down to business... blood work & physical exam both checked out fine.  my 3-month scan will be at the end of march.

results from participating in a genetics study revealed that i do not have the mutant gene known to cause melanoma in a quarter of melanoma patients which is known to increase chances of pancreatic cancer.  that's good news.

we talked about a lot of things.  health... god... family... you name it.  i'm always fascinated to see where the conversation goes.  at one point emma's upcoming check-up at st. jude surfaced.  he's always curious... and like a good doc... asks questions out of which flow new conversations that inevitably end up being encouraging... or sobering... or both.

this one was no exception. 

taking emma to memphis every 6 months has done 3 things.  one... it's assured us that the cancer isn't growing in her body.  two... it's reminded us that it yet still may.  three... it's invited us to keep looking to G*D for our confidence. 

while i haven't been worrying about emma... i'll admit that the fact that the cancer returned to my body after so many years has heightened my concern that it may return in her's as well.  but in talking with doc lao about emma, he assured me that because the cancer was confined to her lymph nodes... and with her being 5 years out from diagnosis... there is now less than a 5% chance of the cancer returning within her entire life-time! 

wow!  that's great news!!!  wonderful news!  shout from the rooftop "wooohooo" news! 

that's the encouraging part.

because of those stats... he doesn't understand why they feel the need to continue scanning her every 6 months... noting that a physical exam is much more likely to find any new cancer growth than a scan would.  (learning to weigh the sometimes conflicting advice from doctors is an unfortunate skill you pick-up along the cancer trail.)

but i was confused... so i asked him to explain why then i need scans every 3 months... and asked him to surmise how long he'll continue to do that.

sometimes i regret being so curious.

he helped me understand that the disease i've suffered with is completely different from emma's.  since the melanoma in my body had moved beyond my lymph nodes into surrounding tissue... it became classified as "measurable disease". all they really know about my current condition is that it previously acted in an aggressive manner... and that the once measurable tumor is no longer measurable... meaning it still may be there, but too small to detect.  regular physical exams increase the chances of catching it... and catching it sooner.  but he also wants regular scans because the previous locations of the tumors were in hard-to-feel spots... and the amount of scar tissue from surgeries makes them even harder to feel in a physical exam... rendering them less fool proof.

but wait a minute doc.  if a tumor is there and big enough to feel... wouldn't scans be the way to detect it no matter what?  which is when i learned that scans only pick-up tumors that have already grown to be billions of cells... so the physical exam is always the best line of defense.

hmmmm.  i didn't know that before. 

that explains a lot actually.  now i understand why they say that the only way to be sure it's gone is if it never returns... and what he meant after my last scan when he said "there is no clear indication of disease".

it could be gone.  or it could be there.  i knew that... but this helps me understand it all so much better than i did.

so doc... what does my scan schedule look like for the future?  well..."if" my next scan shows nothing... i "may" suggest scans only every 6 months.  and "if" you make it 2 years without something showing up.  "if" we make it that long... we'll talk about what we'll do then.  (his emphasis... not mine.) 

enter the sobering part... stage left.

either way... it puts me right back where i should be all along...

...trusting G*D for my future.  not some machine.  not my doc's skilled hands.

just G*D.

...just a great big G*D.

...just a great big G*D who suffers with me when i suffer.

...just a great big G*D who suffers with me when i suffer and is working out his plan to stop my suffering.

...just a great big G*D who suffers with us when we suffer and is working out his plan to stop our suffering.

...just a great big G*D who suffers with us when we suffer and is working out his plan to stop our suffering even though we may not see or feel it right now.

it's just a matter of time.

we can't lose.

a "relative"-ly wonderful weekend...

emma and i had another road trip yesterday.

a few weeks back, one of my brothers had the idea to see a butler game in indy where our cousin, pete campbell, attends and plays basketball.  and as it turned out... all five brothers decided to jump on the opportunity to absorb a bit of hoosier hysteria.

on top of seeing family on the court... and in the seats... the chance to sit in hinkle fieldhouse made it irresistable.

everyone in indiana is a basketball fan.  it's just part of the requirement.  i'm actually kind of surprised the state song doesn't at least mention basketball.  if you didn't grow up a hoosier... i'm guessing it's hard to comprehend how one sport could serve as glue for a state for so many years.  but it did.

the warren 'lightning five' (i still love that name) packed our little gym back in the days... and no matter how small of a school we were... each year held the door open for the possibility of making it past sectionals to regionals through semi-state and all the way to filling the stands at butler fieldhouse as one of the final four.  the story in the movie 'hoosiers' is real.  if you watch it and look closely... you'll see me and my brothers and my grade school friends.  we weren't in the movie... but we lived it every year in one form or another. 

my dad put up a lighted basketball goal and a little indiana limestone gravel court behind our house where my little brother and i played game after game of 'pig' or 'horse' as kids... where we'd watch our bigger brothers sweat away the summer evenings with their friends.  and then in the winter we'd move into the barn to cut the wind's sting and play on the cement floor where the tractor would normally rest...  the center part that separated the chickens (nesting among the milking area) from the sheep and the hay.

hmmmm.  no wonder my asthma was so bad as a kid.

i tried my hand at 6th-grade basketball... but quickly turned in the towel to the ted's, joe's, mark's and brent's who actually had some talent... or at least more than i did.  although i rarely played after we moved off the farm in 7th grade... there was no escaping the energy of march madness.

so... even though i'd never physically stepped foot onto the court of butler fieldhouse... in my mind i'd clearly heard that familiar squeak coming from my shoes many times as i peered into our little black and white rca to watch the state finals... or was it a zenith?

and when our little school was consolidated... after a tinge of awkwardness... we rallied as the new 'huntington north' hoping to be the ones to make our voices hoarse cheering on our vikings to victory at state finals.  and we did.  become hoarse, that is... but not at the finals.  the men's cheer block at h.n.h.s. was both creative and brutal as i recall.  we hated them when we were warren.  but when our school joined the huntington ranks... after working through some bitterness, we quickly assimilated into the black cauldron spewing venom at our opponents.  resistance was futile.

rah, rah, ree...  ...kick 'em in the knee!
rah, rah, rass... ...kick ''em in the other knee!

our family monopolized a row in the stands where we could look upon the slightly balding heads of our 'campbell' cousins a few rows below.  (i can't figure out how they've retained more hair than the shafers even though we shared a completely bald grandpa!)  like us... they came from the corners of the nation for this day too.  many of my first cousins i hadn't seen in over a decade.  my parents and uncle alan & aunt barbara had kids the same years.  not sure if that meant they attended the same parties or what.  but heading to their house in marion not only meant that we each had a cousin of similar age to play with... it was a guaranteed blast.  let's just say they enjoyed more "permission" that we did.  good times.

after the game, i briefly took emma on a little bus tour of indy.  i showed her the boarding house i lived in a short time...  and drove by 2 of the 3 burger chef's where i was robbed as a manager.  those were the days!

this weekend's game wasn't a nail-biter or anything.  but watching pete play... seeing my brothers... watching my cousins do their crazy campbell cousin thing... sitting in butler ('hinkle' now) fieldhouse... seeing some sights with emma... i definitely have some more great dvd's to play in my head.  i couldn't help but think how much my parents would have enjoyed the day.

and standing center court with my brothers... i realized the warren "lightning five" lives on.

 

ruby reds...

one of the "work together for good"s emerging from this past year is this journey back home i'm currently on.  home feels so far away.  and yet... so close.  i see glimpses all around and stumble into whiffs that flip my mind-remote briefly to the preferred channel.

waking up in iceland isn't a bad thing... at least to me.  but it has been unsettling.  i fully expected this past year to dump me in a new place.  yet i grossly underestimated how much i'd miss my birthplace... and how alone i'd feel on the way back... and the inevitable awkwardness that comes with returning to a a new hometown, like one in the process of being rebuilt after a tornado leveled most everything.

my previous life mostly felt like one long conversation with G*D.

my new life mostly feels like that was all a wonderful dream.  another lifetime.  like i'm living in an amusement park after it's closed for the season and everyone's gone home. 

i know this is temporary, but.

somedays it feels like the park is open... but i'm not allowed on any of the rides.  or maybe more like i'm allowed, but i'm the one who's not quite ready to get on just yet. 

there are some things about me that have fundamentally changed.  perspectives that can never be the same... nor should they be... even as scary as that may sound to others.

and no matter how much i wish i were a child again... blind to the questions that wallpaper the minds of the sequoias that surround.

i'm not.

when i first began following Jesus... i started getting to know G*D as we sat and munched on the scriptures together.  i was eager to eat as much as i could for i had never before noticed the wonderful flavors that filled each bite.  the conversation was equally consuming for there was much to learn... and i was starved for the affection of the One who had gone to great lengths to prepare such a spread and invite me to the table. 

trust was immediate and infinite.

however, i now feel compelled to look more carefully at all that fills my plate.  the conversation is awkward with long periods of silence... and efforts to trust feel more like putting on a favorite jacket and finding it two sizes too small.

just the same... i know these meals and the conversatons are important.  i guess i could grab things from the fridge and eat on the fly.  but i realize that it's not the food that's needed right now... as much as the diaologue that will be my 'two-heel-clicks-back-to-kansas'.

like a lover who wants to restore an injured relationship... i know it will come slowly and with lots of effort.  i know in my head that someday it can be better than it had ever been.  but when i'm honest with myself... i admit that my heart holds some degree of skepticism... and angst.

ironically i get that it all comes down to trust. 

in what will i rest today?  what can i trust you for today, Jesus?

my sole hope is not in my own ability to find my way out of this maze...  ...but that in time i'll be able to feel the breath of The One who will strengthen my legs... enabling me to rise and follow the sound of his voice... that we may resume the conversation.

until then... i sit in this house of mirrors... while children laugh in the spinning teacups nearby.

time...

friday was a little warmer... and a good opportunity to get some ice off the driveway.

the sun was beautiful... and as i shoveled, my old friend called me to come and sit.

in spite of the cold, the wicker moments refreshed like only good friends can.

staring out on the shrouded plants... i joined in the stillness and embraced the assumptions so familiar to those whose thumbs glow green. 

and someplace deep inside, a smile hastened runners.

it's taking time to find my way back.

but like the naked branches and stems know...

...this absence of life is merely winter's way of keeping a secret.

crown him...

have i mentioned that i have the best family in the world?

they're all wonderful.  but i must say... ian's been stepping up to the plate quite a bit lately.

i've been telling the kid for centuries that he has a great voice and should use it more.

but he's been content to simply blend-in with the 'select choir' rather than go for any of the solos offered him.  he keeps saying he's waiting for the 'right" song.

maybe so.  a few weeks ago he surprised us all and entered the school's talent show to do a michael buble' number... and did a superb job!  no coaxing... or prodding.  he just did it.  and did it like he'd been doing it for years.  (click this link to see a clip on youtube.)

he's been crazy busy finishing high school... plus taking 'micro-economics' and 'ground school' at the community college in the evening... plus working part-time at spring arbor university's caf.

then the other day he comes to me and says... 'dad, do you think we could start having devotions together again in the mornings?'  (i'm not sure who he thought needed them more... me or him.)

then last week he was nominated by his fellow seniors to the 'snowfest court.'  i've watched his attitude since then and haven't noticed an ounce of nervousness, competitiveness or pride.  he's just been having fun.  all the guys on the court are great... and his buddies... so he's simply happy to be doing it all with his friends.  and that's worth more than any title... in my book.

today beth and i attended a school assembly where they played a little speech from each candidate.  i was proud to hear him mention how important G*D was to him... and that his youth group at westwinds was "the schiz". 

later at the pep assembly, he and alyssa dressed up like luke skywalker & princess leah.  i think ian was more excited about the light saber than anything.  then the whole school voted for who would be their king & queen.

and guess who.

last night... he was crowned the 'snowfest king' of western high.  and his good bud, kinney (last year's king & recent 'sky brother') was there to hand him the scepter.  perfect.

how could i be anything but thankful? 

truth be known... through my papa pride, i hate these things.  i think it sends the exact opposite message we should be giving our kids.  it has... however, led to some good conversation in our home.

on the other side... these things serve as reminders to me of G*D's faithfulness to help our kids through the many transitions and sacrifices they've endured at the decisions of their parents to move them from city to city.

it doesn't take a scepter, crown, or anyone's votes for me to know that each one of our kids are amazing... and that i'm blessed beyond measure.

aaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!

when i first started following Jesus... one of the regular stops along the fitness trail was 'the integrity test'.

robert clinton suggests this as one of the many tests necessary to pass (and pass often) on the way to a life of leading others authentically in following G*D. 

makes sense.  we've all experienced it.

at christmas... i got digital camera's for beth and jenn.  last year i went the cheap route and ended up getting exactly what i paid for.  cheap.  so this year... i shopped, researched, did all my homework and waited for the good deals.  i found a good camera at a great price... one that even came with a free media card.  so... i bought 2 identical cameras for my lovely ladies.

except... they only had one in stock... so the other would arrive in a few days.  no problem!

at checkout... they gave me the usual spiel about purchasing their insurance in case something were to happen to my precious newborn cameras.  usually i say "no" immediately, but a quick history report flashed across my brain reminding me of my electronically accident prone family.  so i asked... "does this cover even if they have an accident with the camera and it breaks?"  "yes!"... came the cheerful response as she handed me the fine-print filled brochure.  "i'll take it!"

i gave beth her's for her birthday.  jenn got hers 10 days later on christmas morning.  both were thrilled.  i controlled my squirm while watching jenn struggle to jam the batteries in and force the little door closed... ... and patted my little brochure in my back pocket.

then came the call less than 2 weeks later.

"dad... i was walking and someone stopped me to tell me that my backpack was leaking.  the pop i'd just bought must have cracked or something... and now my camera doesn't work anymore!"

so... i pulled out my little brochure and began rubbing it in hopes the genie would appear and make it all go away.

i rubbed and rubbed... ...no genie.

it was the first time i'd really looked at the receipt... stapled on an inside panel of the brochure... covering the fine print.  it was then that i noticed something peculiar.  "hummpf... according to this, i purchased 2 magic warranties, but only 1 camera.  that's strange." 

a quick scan through my receipts came up empty.  great!  now i'm going to have to do the right thing and go back and pay for a broken camera!!  oh well... at least i'll be able to get it fixed. 

and after all... it's the right thing to do.

then i lifted the stapled receipt and began reading the 6 pt. font.

turns out the forked-tongued check-out lady failed to mention that the accident insurance doesn't begin until the regular warranty ends... in one year!!!  i called the insurance people.  "so... if i understand this correctly... if i wait a year, then file a claim for my broken camera, you'll fix it???"

"a... no sir.  then it would be a pre-existing condition."

aaaahhhh!!!  now i have to purchase a completely useless camera!

surely i paid for this thing!  but a feverish check of my bank statements turned up no financial transaction for the purchase of a second camera.

so... came the rationalizing.

- the store's already reconciled this.  it won't matter.
- if they had told me the truth about the warranty.  i would never have bought it!
- if they haven't noticed by now... they'll never notice.
- i'll just give her beth's camera... since she still hasn't tried to use it!!!

such are the dark voices that tempt us all.

i've heard them too many times... so it didn't take long for me to laugh them away.  but it did take me back to those early years of following Jesus... when it seemed like life was one big test.

it reminded me that my kids are most likely experiencing similar things... just like i did way back when...  and that i should be praying that they would choose to wear their belts of truth and breatplates of righteousness even when it feels awkward or unfashionable.

final chapter

spent some time this morning reading galatians 5 with ian before school... and a little discussion about the importance of surrendering our moments to G*D in hopes of being knighted with the ability to live like G*D-ets, rather than like u.s. marine christians... disciplined but untransformed.  not that discipline is bad.  it's just only one side of the drachma.

it's my day off and i can't put this off any longer.  but... before heading to the store to do 'the right thing'... maybe i should check my bank records one last time in case my chemo-brain double was the one looking at the computer screen and missed it.

sure enough... a record dated later from some place in illinois where they had shipped the camera!  yay!!!  at least now i don't have to dole out fresh money for a broken camera. 

but... i'm still going to get my money back for that useless insurance i bought.

so... off to the store.  parking lot prayer: "lord, help me be calm, but firm."

what's that?  you're going to give me another camera???  really???

cool.

i hate tests. 

except when Someone's standing on my shoulder... shouting the answers through my ear wax.