i think it's time i begin to uncover some layers to my journey that i haven't felt comfortable fully disclosing. i've always committed myself to being authentic on this blog. and i have been. but i didn't see the need for me to unpack everything. and i guess i was concerned that some of it may be unhelpful. so i reserved some thoughts for face to face conversations with my 'luckier' friends.
but then someone who was in pain met with me... and listened... and encouraged me to continue to remain vulnerable about all that i'm experiencing. he said, "who better than you to show us how to struggle?"
i didn't receive that as pressure... but rather as a plea for help. and it got me thinking.
part of my hesitation surrounds the puzzle of just how to unravel my thoughts and lay them out in a linear fashion. i'm still not sure how it's going to work. we'll see, i guess. so over the next while... amid other more random posts... i'm going to spread my laundry over the bed. from time to time i'll even post things i wrote weeks or months ago, but never felt comfortable publishing. and in doing so, i'm hoping it will help me... and maybe a few others.
many have assumed this crisis of faith that i find myself encountering has been about my fight with cancer. yes, and no. mostly no.
"yes"... in the sense that i don't think it's possible for anyone to go through major life problems without it affecting them on some level. but for the most part my health issues haven't been a struggle for me spiritually. i haven't nor do I live with fear about my future. like anyone... i want to live as long as i can. but i've seen way too many examples of the unpredictability of life to hold an entitlement attitude... at least when it comes to my longevity.
the real struggle came about 4-5 months ago in september... about a month after my last treatment. the memory is a little too clear.
emma and beth were in memphis for one of emm's st. jude check-ups and i was praying for a good report. and in the middle of my prayer, i suddenly realized something. it became all too clear that no matter how hard, long, or diligently i prayed... and no matter how many people were praying... there was no way i could be sure the cancer would never return to her body. put more tangibly... there was no way i could keep my daughter from experiencing the horror of what i had just gone through.
that reality stabbed me on a variety of levels.
i began to question... why is that so? i mean... if G*D is truly sovereign, then couldn't he keep her from such pain? and if he is truly loving, why wouldn't he do that?
i began to question... what are the benefits of following & persevering with Jesus if G*D isn't going to answer the prayers that are most important to me?
i began to question... as a dad who's trying to follow G*D, didn't G*D create me with a need and desire to protect my family? and if so... why would he allow anything to keep me from fulfilling that G*D-ordained desire especially if i were employing all the tools given to me, like prayer & faith & trust?
ultimately i cracked open a door that allowed me to begin to question the character of G*D. only little things at first. but with time it became like a black hole into which i allowed myself to second guess everything.
everything.
that crack boiled down to one question. "G*D, what can i really trust you for?"
i've mentioned before that i'm all about trusting G*D... as opposed to trusting G*D "for". and i still think that's a good way to live. i guess i needed a little more.
you see... i could look back and handle all the pain i'd been dealt through life. i could explain it all away as either the result of my sin, humanity's sin, lessons to improve my character & test my devotion, exercises in overcoming & taking authority. i could see "the good" that would come out of it all. and when emma was diagnosed with melanoma at the age of eight, i never once asked G*D "why". i just trusted him... ...and told him i'd be faithful no matter what.
but on that day in september... thinking about my daughter's world... ...i.e., getting cancer at the age of 8... going through her terrible treatment... living with the reminder every 6-months that the cancer could return anytime... then watching her dad's cancer return, which happened to be the same cancer she had... then experiencing her dad's pain as he endured the treatment for the same cancer that could return to her body of which she had to be reminded could come back every 6 months...
but this is where the "tilt" happened.
...as i thought about how hard it must be for a child to see "the good" in all that... how hard it would be for her to see G*D in all that. well... it just seemed unfair. like he was making it next to impossible for her to love him. and the thought that G*D was intending or allowing or permitting the odds to be stacked against her physically and spiritually... pushed me over the edge.
and i became resentful... and disappointed... and angry...
...with G*D.