along this wilderness trail i'm walking, someone recommended i read a book by gregory boyd called, satan & the problem of evil. it's a huge book, but he lays out some pretty heady stuff in accessible ways. he attempts to address some of the bigger issues i've struggled with... and shed some new light on some old theological conversations.
i can't begin to unpack his complex package of attempting to make sense of what feels like a clash between life and scripture. and even though i can't say i agree with him on everything... he has made me think.
mostly he's helped me own up to the flaws in my G*D-system... (our view of G*D and how he interacts in this world. we all have a system whether we're aware of it not... and we all think ours is the best) maybe flaws is too strong of a word. but inconsistencies or weaknesses at the very least. i think i too often want my view of everything to be like a piece of waterford crystal. perfect... clear... and wonderful. not a bad desire. just unrealistic. and i've understood that my piece of glass can never be flawless.
i thought i'd learned to accept that in this life there is no such thing as a flawless theology. however... this past year showed me that i did have a line... a line concerning the amount of flaws or unanswered questions that i'm comfortable living with. unfortunately or providentially, that line was crossed this past year and it left me feeling like my crystal was worthy only to pitch into the recycle bin.
it all came down to the basic question... "what can i trust G*D for?"
that breaks down into other questions, like... who can i trust him to be? what can i trust him to do? i've been raised on a "just believe like a child" mentality. which i still don't think is terrible. yet... how that plays itself out in our lives depends upon "what" it is we're believing with that child-like faith. faith that is based upon emotion... or some misinterpretation/misunderstanding of scripture... is not child-like faith, but rather childishness... and not at all what scripture asks of us.
i'm thinking that my question ultimately comes down understanding the difference between what we can "count on"/"expect" G*D to do... and what we can "ask" him to do.
there's no question that scripture encourages us... almost begs us to "ask". but beyond that our faith is not so much about our confidence that we'll get what we ask. rather it's faith in G*D, himself... trust in his character & wisdom... tempered by the unknowns about his ability to do those things within the "free world" he's constructed... and his willingness to do what we're asking of him.
i can ask him all sorts of things. things that some would suggest are promises of scripture. but i've come to understand that although i may "ask"... i should not "count" on him to do those things. (unlike many pastors suggest today) partly because not all the promises & stories of scripture are promises G*D makes to us. they are profound stories of how G*D interacted with the people in those stories that give us glimpses into the love & character of G*D as well as to how he may move in our lives today. so we could anticipate they are the types of things G*D might want to do... but we can't be sure of all that is in the mind of G*D.
however, those things that scripture is clear about that fit into the character of G*D... or that he's somehow revealed to us in some unmistakably clear way... are the very things we can "ask" and "count" on him to do... in his way and in his time. (although because we are easily self-deceived... i suggest for even those things we should ask with the awareness that we may not get the answer or exact answer we would like.)
i can count on G*D to be loving, gracious, faithful, patience, powerful, wise, and on and on.
but the hardest reality i've learned through my experience and through the stories of scripture is that i cannot count on him to always protect me, heal me, or rescue me... or the ones i love. and if i expect him to do those things... i most surely will end up disappointed at some point. and obviously the more important those things are to us... the more disappointment and confusion we'll experience if we expect G*D to answer our way.
bringing it home... i must be careful that in my prayers to G*D for what i want, i do not fall into the deception of expecting G*D to answer those prayers... even the ones that seem to be in line with who i understand G*D to be. i can and should ask. but my trust ultimately must be in the character of G*D and in his "way beyond my understanding" plan.
i may and should ask for my daughter's cancer never to return. but i cannot count on G*D for that.
i can ask that she would not be tainted by all that she's experienced & witnessed through her young years so that she would grow to love G*D and not resist him. but i cannot expect that. i can, however, expect him to deal with her in a loving and gracious way... and to be tenacious in pursuing her.
but the reality is that some things will never be right or fair or good in this life.
that doesn't mean they never will be. and because of G*D's character... i can count on him to be wise and fair in the end. Jesus proved that to us... which is what his death & resurrection are all about.
and that's the biggest thing i can trust G*D for... that someday everything will be as it should.
someday.
learning to live in this new reality is taking some getting used to. but i'm getting there.