this is an earlier unpublished post that fits well with my "crash... part 7"
it's a humbling thing to admit that you're starting over again at my age... and as a pastor. and i guess that's not exactly true. i'm not really starting over. it just feels that way sometimes. i write a post about how things are looking up... and the next day i wake-up back in iceland.
i have to fight to not let it suck the confidence right out of me.
i hate it when life draws the "sorry" card and sends me back to "start". and the waiting to get out only adds to the frustration... especially when you watch everyone else move quickly around the board heading towards home. yet... i have this sense that maybe i have more things to learn before that "1" card will turn up and let me back in the game.
and then i remind myself, "there is no 'other'. this is the game."
when i take a step back to try to look at the larger canvas... i watch The Artist use the same brushes and strokes and colors he's used many times before in my life. i'm guessing this time is less about learning new things as it is about re-learning old ones... or maybe learning them on a deeper level. yet the layers and combinations create textures and images that are somewhat unfamiliar. i guess it's just too early to say whether the canvas will tell a familiar story or one with an unanticipated twist.
all i know is that i've been in this brand-new place before... and... that i've never before been in these old stomping grounds of mine.
i have a secret. spiritual professionals find it just as hard to connect with G*D as you do. (whoever "you" are.)
shocking... i know.
so then, you won't be surprised to hear that re-developing old habits (like reading my bible) that had at some level become second nature to me... are not coming back so easily. the terrain has reminded me of how challenging it is for newer followers to builld these spiritual disciplines into their lives. which is a good thing to remember since my job has been to help new followers move forward toward "full life development in Jesus."
so... i've been ratcheting up the "self-discipline". isn't that the starting point for us all?
if you want to be a better swimmer, you swim more and work on your technique. if you want to be a better leader, you read more leadership books and practice the principles you learn. if you want to be in better shape... you get rid of the junk food and commit yourself to a plan and start training. and, no matter what you're fighting... you build around yourself coaches and some form of accountability and some cheerleaders. you stop "trying" and start "training."
so... i've been 'training' to get back in the game. sounds logical.
but as i do... oddly, i'm remembering that activity-driven-spirituality only frustrates, even though it may be an inevitable starting point for many.
i'm remembering how subtly destructive and deceptive a pursuit of the disciplines was for me because it fed into a pervasive performance mentality and trained me to look to G*D for approval rather than to enjoy the acceptance & freedom he'd sacrificed so much to bring me. through an ironic set of circumstances... G*D seems to be reminding me of many things he taught me so clearly in the past years... ...a key one being that "discipline" is never the best place to start in the spiritual life... rather, that humility and surrender must precede and continually blend with any spiritual activity.
i can't "practice" surrender. i can only acknowledge my desire to be surrendered. i can practice what i think surrender looks like. but i can't manipulate my heart to surrender. all i can do is admit my inability to get there apart from G*D. only then can the presence of G*D move in and take me where i cannot go and learn what i don't realize i need to learn. sure... great things come out of "training." but in reality... if i've simply trained myself to be godly... i'm likely to have missed the work of G*D altogether. only in true on-going surrender does my heart receive the direction & instruction i need to help me truly move forward.
that's the difference between being a follow of Jesus... and a follower of the way of Jesus. i can make my body "sit down", but i can't make my heart sit when it wants to stand.
i can start with a discipline... but eventually it always leads to that pennisula of realizing the transformed life can't be produced or mimicked. it's imparted.
i realize that "self-discipline" and "surrender" aren't that easily separated... yet for me it's all about the starting point. the way i see it... surrender is the training in godliness. surrender is the discipline of resting in G*D... of waiting... of listening... of allowig G*D to point us in the direction of our movement & training... of receiving strength to move... of having our will shaped so that we'll want to move.
christian spirituality is different from every other religion or worldview because it embraces the reality that we are transformed best in the context of a relationship with a person rather than by following a new code of ethics or becoming people who have trained their body & mind in the right way.
so in a huge sense... my main job is to be still... to listen... to honestly fight with G*D... ultimately coming to that place of giving up. it's there that G*D promises his strength & wisdom & guidance to 
take one step forward. sometimes those steps feel like jumping puddles. sometimes they feel like attempting to jump the grand canyon. the particulars of the jump aren't mine to determine. it's simply mine to obey.
and i'll never obey someone i don't trust.
trust. yes... there it is again. it comes full circle.
trust.
If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.
matthew 6:33
