the continuing... (and sometimes exhausting to read)... recap of my faith-crisis that i wasn't ready to share until now.
when i started working again back in january... even though it was part-time, it was a good thing... at least for me.
interacting with people eased me back into the practical side of life.
i had talked with my counselor many times about being afraid to be a pastor again... because i felt i had less to offer. less answers... less love... less patience. he encouraged me not to worry... and suggested that as a person i had something valuable to bring to the table... and that because of my experiences & lack of answers, maybe even more now than ever.
being on disability can make a person self-focused. i think that's an okay thing for a chapter or two... but i wouldn't want to end the book that way. G*D created us for relationship and ministry.
moving back into an adjusted role at westwinds was a good thing. but it caught me off guard. i found myself slipping into auto-pastor mode. i was tempted to become two people. there was the randy with perspectives on most everything... sure about what to say and do in most situations. confident in the G*D I was pointing people to. in short, the old randy. then there was the randy with little to offer but the silence of listening... and maybe a bit more understanding of the feelings of people trapped in their despair and confusion... and definitely unsure of what i believed about most of the things that once were the foundation for my life.
from someplace inside, the pre-crash randy was speaking and acting just as before. only... in my head there'd be this dialogue with myself. "do you really believe what you just said to that person or in that prayer?" "what a minute. that sounds like what you used to say... before all this happened. is that still what you think?" the ringing words weren't condemning. they were inviting me into the new me... forcing me to translate my last year into the now.
i hated it.
ironically... the timing of this inner conflict was matched by my own endeavours to become spiritually fit. i began committing myself to spiritual training... disciplines for growth... spiritual-rehab to regain the movement of G*D i'd seemed to have lost in my crippled mind.
but soon i realized i was forgetting some of the lessons about spiritual formation i'd learned in the past that were so important to me. unconsciously i was "training" myself to become who i thought i should be... who i thought i was before all this happened... who i thought G*D expected me to be.
interestingly it helped me to admit that over the months before my health went south... i had subtly lost the close connection i once swam in so freely. i had become a spiritual machine. and now... i was once again attempting to recharge the battery to that lifeless beast.
i don't think that is why all this happened to me. but i do think it is one of the "goods" G*D was bring out of it. G*D wasn't calling me back to the old randy. he was once again inviting me back to the pre-old randy... back to the most basic components of life with him. that being... humility... surrender... listening... and obedience.
reflecting on my life... i guess that's a good way of describing my perspective of what it means to follow Jesus. that is... facing moment by moment decisions between "acting" and "living"... between "walking" and "wrestling"... between "self-hypocrisy" and "self-honesty"... between "conforming" and "transforming"... between "self-dependence" and "G*D-dependence".
that first few weeks of being back to work forced me to decide whether i would play "the game" or whether i'd begin the journey of becoming.
facing that challenge once again invited me to relax... and to trust G*D with my future and all the questions that remained... to be "me" in the moment instead of the "me" i thought i should be... to refuse to be religious and instead jump on the back of Jesus' harley for another ride of my life.
training in godliness is good... but only if i'm following the promptings of The One Who Made Me And Knows Me And Loves Me. my Coach... my 'Friend Who's Wiser Than All'... my Love.
i had to start at the very beginning. i had to learn to trust again... one step at a time.
