fogparty

crash... part 7b... a very good place to start...

this is an earlier unpublished post that fits well with my "crash... part 7"

it's a humbling thing to admit that you're starting over again at my age... and as a pastor.  and i guess that's not exactly true.  i'm not really starting over.  it just feels that way sometimes.  i write a post about how things are looking up... and the next day i wake-up back in iceland.

i have to fight to not let it suck the confidence right out of me.

i hate it when life draws the "sorry" card and sends me back to "start".  and the waiting to get out only adds to the frustration... especially when you watch everyone else move quickly around the board heading towards home.  yet... i have this sense that maybe i have more things to learn before that "1" card will turn up and let me back in the game. 

and then i remind myself, "there is no 'other'. this is the game." 

when i take a step back to try to look at the larger canvas... i watch The Artist use the same brushes and strokes and colors he's used many times before in my life.  i'm guessing this time is less about learning new things as it is about re-learning old ones... or maybe learning them on a deeper level.  yet the layers and combinations create textures and images that are somewhat unfamiliar.  i guess it's just too early to say whether the canvas will tell a familiar story or one with an unanticipated twist.

all i know is that i've been in this brand-new place before... and... that i've never before been in these old stomping grounds of mine.

i have a secret.  spiritual professionals find it just as hard to connect with G*D as you do.   (whoever "you" are.)

shocking... i know.

so then, you won't be surprised to hear that re-developing old habits (like reading my bible) that had at some level become second nature to me... are not coming back so easily.  the terrain has reminded me of how challenging it is for newer followers to builld these spiritual disciplines into their lives.  which is a good thing to remember since my job has been to help new followers move forward toward "full life development in Jesus."

so... i've been ratcheting up the "self-discipline".  isn't that the starting point for us all? 

if you want to be a better swimmer, you swim more and work on your technique.  if you want to be a better leader, you read more leadership books and practice the principles you learn.  if you want to be in better shape... you get rid of the junk food and commit yourself to a plan and start training.  and, no matter what you're fighting... you build around yourself coaches and some form of accountability and some cheerleaders.  you stop "trying" and start "training."

so... i've been 'training' to get back in the game.  sounds logical.

but as i do... oddly, i'm remembering that activity-driven-spirituality only frustrates, even though it may be an inevitable starting point for many. 

i'm remembering how subtly destructive and deceptive a pursuit of the disciplines was for me because it fed into a pervasive performance mentality and trained me to look to G*D for approval rather than to enjoy the acceptance & freedom he'd sacrificed so much to bring me.  through an ironic set of circumstances... G*D seems to be reminding me of many things he taught me so clearly in the past years... ...a key one being that "discipline" is never the best place to start in the spiritual life... rather, that humility and surrender must precede and continually blend with any spiritual activity.

i can't "practice" surrender.  i can only acknowledge my desire to be surrendered.  i can practice what i think surrender looks like.  but i can't manipulate my heart to surrender.  all i can do is admit my inability to get there apart from G*D.  only then can the presence of G*D move in and take me where i cannot go and learn what i don't realize i need to learn.  sure... great things come out of "training."  but in reality... if i've simply trained myself to be godly... i'm likely to have missed the work of G*D altogether.  only in true on-going surrender does my heart receive the direction & instruction i need to help me truly move forward. 

that's the difference between being a follow of Jesus... and a follower of the way of Jesus.  i can make my body "sit down", but i can't make my heart sit when it wants to stand. 

i can start with a discipline... but eventually it always leads to that pennisula of realizing the transformed life can't be produced or mimicked.  it's imparted.

i realize that "self-discipline" and "surrender" aren't that easily separated... yet for me it's all about the starting point.  the way i see it... surrender is the training in godliness.  surrender is the discipline of resting in G*D... of waiting... of listening... of allowig G*D to point us in the direction of our movement & training... of receiving strength to move... of having our will shaped so that we'll want to move.

christian spirituality is different from every other religion or worldview because it embraces the reality that we are transformed best in the context of a relationship with a person rather than by following a new code of ethics or becoming people who have trained their body & mind in the right way.

so in a huge sense... my main job is to be still... to listen... to honestly fight with G*D... ultimately coming to that place of giving up.  it's there that G*D promises his strength & wisdom & guidance to take one step forward.  sometimes those steps feel like jumping puddles.  sometimes they feel like attempting to jump the grand canyon.  the particulars of the jump aren't mine to determine.  it's simply mine to obey.

and i'll never obey someone i don't trust.

trust.  yes... there it is again.  it comes full circle.

trust.

If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.

matthew 6:33

crash... part 7... hop on...

the continuing... (and sometimes exhausting to read)... recap of my faith-crisis that i wasn't ready to share until now.

when i started working again back in january... even though it was part-time, it was a good thing... at least for me.

interacting with people eased me back into the practical side of life.

i had talked with my counselor many times about being afraid to be a pastor again... because i felt i had less to offer.  less answers... less love... less patience.  he encouraged me not to worry... and suggested that as a person i had something valuable to bring to the table... and that because of my experiences & lack of answers, maybe even more now than ever.

being on disability can make a person self-focused.  i think that's an okay thing for a chapter or two...   but i wouldn't want to end the book that way.  G*D created us for relationship and ministry.

moving back into an adjusted role at westwinds was a good thing.  but it caught me off guard.  i found myself slipping into auto-pastor mode.  i was tempted to become two people.  there was the randy with perspectives on most everything... sure about what to say and do in most situations.  confident in the G*D I was pointing people to.  in short, the old randy.  then there was the randy with little to offer but the silence of listening... and maybe a bit more understanding of the feelings of people trapped in their despair and confusion...  and definitely unsure of what i believed about most of the things that once were the foundation for my life.

from someplace inside, the pre-crash randy was speaking and acting just as before.  only... in my head there'd be this dialogue with myself.  "do you really believe what you just said to that person or in that prayer?"  "what a minute.  that sounds like what you used to say... before all this happened.  is that still what you think?"  the ringing words weren't condemning.  they were inviting me into the new me... forcing me to translate my last year into the now.

i hated it.

ironically... the timing of this inner conflict was matched by my own endeavours to become spiritually fit.  i began committing myself to spiritual training... disciplines for growth... spiritual-rehab to regain the movement of G*D i'd seemed to have lost in my crippled mind. 

but soon i realized i was forgetting some of the lessons about spiritual formation i'd learned in the past that were so important to me.  unconsciously i was "training" myself to become who i thought i should be... who i thought i was before all this happened... who i thought G*D expected me to be.

interestingly it helped me to admit that over the months before my health went south... i had subtly lost the close connection i once swam in so freely.  i had become a spiritual machine.  and now... i was once again attempting to recharge the battery to that lifeless beast.

i don't think that is why all this happened to me.  but i do think it is one of the "goods" G*D was bring out of it.  G*D wasn't calling me back to the old randy.  he was once again inviting me back to the pre-old randy... back to the most basic components of life with him.  that being... humility... surrender... listening... and obedience. 

reflecting on my life... i guess that's a good way of describing my perspective of what it means to follow Jesus.  that is... facing moment by moment decisions between "acting" and "living"...  between "walking" and "wrestling"...  between "self-hypocrisy" and "self-honesty"... between "conforming" and "transforming"... between "self-dependence" and "G*D-dependence".

that first few weeks of being back to work forced me to decide whether i would play "the game" or whether i'd begin the journey of becoming. 

facing that challenge once again invited me to relax... and to trust G*D with my future and all the questions that remained... to be "me" in the moment instead of the "me" i thought i should be... to refuse to be religious and instead jump on the back of Jesus' harley for another ride of my life.

training in godliness is good... but only if i'm following the promptings of The One Who Made Me And Knows Me And Loves Me.  my Coach... my 'Friend Who's Wiser Than All'... my Love. 

i had to start at the very beginning.  i had to learn to trust again... one step at a time.

crash... part 6... the hunt...

along this wilderness trail i'm walking, someone recommended i read a book by gregory boyd called, satan & the problem of evil.  it's a huge book, but he lays out some pretty heady stuff in accessible ways.  he attempts to address some of the bigger issues i've struggled with... and shed some new light on some old theological conversations.

i can't begin to unpack his complex package of attempting to make sense of what feels like a clash between life and scripture.  and even though i can't say i agree with him on everything... he has made me think.

mostly he's helped me own up to the flaws in my G*D-system... (our view of G*D and how he interacts in this world.  we all have a system whether we're aware of it not... and we all think ours is the best)  maybe flaws is too strong of a word.  but inconsistencies or weaknesses at the very least.  i think i too often want my view of everything to be like a piece of waterford crystal.  perfect... clear... and wonderful.  not a bad desire.  just unrealistic.  and i've understood that my piece of glass can never be flawless. 

i thought i'd learned to accept that in this life there is no such thing as a flawless theology.  however... this past year showed me that i did have a line...  a line concerning the amount of flaws or unanswered questions that i'm comfortable living with.  unfortunately or providentially, that line was crossed this past year and it left me feeling like my crystal was worthy only to pitch into the recycle bin.

it all came down to the basic question... "what can i trust G*D for?" 

that breaks down into other questions, like... who can i trust him to be?  what can i trust him to do?  i've been raised on a "just believe like a child" mentality.  which i still don't think is terrible.  yet... how that plays itself out in our lives depends upon "what" it is we're believing with that child-like faith.  faith that is based upon emotion... or some misinterpretation/misunderstanding of scripture... is not child-like faith, but rather childishness... and not at all what scripture asks of us.

i'm thinking that my question ultimately comes down understanding the difference between what we can "count on"/"expect" G*D to do... and what we can "ask" him to do.

there's no question that scripture encourages us... almost begs us to "ask".  but beyond that our faith is not so much about our confidence that we'll get what we ask.  rather it's faith in G*D, himself... trust in his character & wisdom... tempered by the unknowns about his ability to do those things within the "free world" he's constructed... and his willingness to do what we're asking of him. 

i can ask him all sorts of things.  things that some would suggest are promises of scripture.  but i've come to understand that although i may "ask"... i should not "count" on him to do those things.  (unlike many pastors suggest today) partly because not all the promises & stories of scripture are promises G*D makes to us.  they are profound stories of how G*D interacted with the people in those stories that give us glimpses into the love & character of G*D as well as to how he may move in our lives today.  so we could anticipate they are the types of things G*D might want to do... but we can't be sure of all that is in the mind of G*D. 

however, those things that scripture is clear about that fit into the character of G*D... or that he's somehow revealed to us in some unmistakably clear way... are the very things we can "ask" and "count" on him to do... in his way and in his time.  (although because we are easily self-deceived... i suggest for even those things we should ask with the awareness that we may not get the answer or exact answer we would like.)

i can count on G*D to be loving, gracious, faithful, patience, powerful, wise, and on and on.

but the hardest reality i've learned through my experience and through the stories of scripture is that i cannot count on him to always protect me, heal me, or rescue me... or the ones i love.  and if i expect him to do those things... i most surely will end up disappointed at some point.  and obviously the more important those things are to us... the more disappointment and confusion we'll experience if we expect G*D to answer our way.

bringing it home... i must be careful that in my prayers to G*D for what i want, i do not fall into the deception of expecting G*D to answer those prayers... even the ones that seem to be in line with who i understand G*D to be.  i can and should ask.  but my trust ultimately must be in the character of G*D and in his "way beyond my understanding" plan.

i may and should ask for my daughter's cancer never to return.  but i cannot count on G*D for that. 

i can ask that she would not be tainted by all that she's experienced & witnessed through her young years so that she would grow to love G*D and not resist him.  but i cannot expect that.  i can, however, expect him to deal with her in a loving and gracious way... and to be tenacious in pursuing her.

but the reality is that some things will never be right or fair or good in this life. 

that doesn't mean they never will be.  and because of G*D's character... i can count on him to be wise and fair in the end.  Jesus proved that to us... which is what his death & resurrection are all about.

and that's the biggest thing i can trust G*D for... that someday everything will be as it should.

someday.

learning to live in this new reality is taking some getting used to.  but i'm getting there.

luke four-ensics...

on a walk recently i was thinking about luke 4... the story where Jesus is in the middle of nowhere for 40 days... without food... forced to share a pup tent with the devil... and then launches his semi-overt ministry as the manGOD.

for some reason this "man vs. wild" passage has always intrigued me.

for starters... verse 2 is very curious.

"...where for forty days he was tempted by the devil.  He ate nothing during those days, and at the end of them he was hungry."  (NIV)

of course he was hungry!!!  he hadn't eaten for almost a month and a half!!!  and i'm pretty sure he was hungry starting at about day 3!

only one translation that i could find interprets it as "at the end of them he was very hungry", suggesting that's when he was at his lowest, rather than when his hunger finally kicked in. which is probably more how how we all tend to adjust the text.  and likely why i've thought the story was about Jesus fasting & praying for forty days in prep for the big test at the end.

but that's not what it says.  it says that he was tempted for 40 days.  whether the devilish encounter described in verses 3-13 constitute a final testing on day 40 or 41... or whether they are the story of what happened during the 40 days... we can't be sure.  i know i tend to read the 3 temptations as though they all took place in about 15 minutes.  but when i think about it... i'm sure it wasn't so neat & tidy... ...& efficient.

there's about 75 acres of once wooded land close to our house that was cleared to become a food bank for sand and gravel hunters.  then it was massaged in hopes of growing up to be a subdivision.  but now... because of our starved michigan economy... it lies in a coma.  naked. lifeless.  silent of color through every season.

anyway... on my walk through my next-door desert, i guess i was thinking about the passage and how tough it would be to not eat for that long... and to be tempted at the same time by the big bad subversive ex-angel for 960 hours.  and as i walked, somehow The Great Storyteller began hand-weaving the images & sensations with my feelings from this past year... as well as with what i imagined Jesus' wilderness/temptation feelings might have been.

and somehow my brain jumped to thinking about how when it comes to Jesus, i tend to exalt the cross-sufferings way over his normal-life-sufferings.  you know... the stuff we never think about... like the fact that he got headaches, vomited, hated spinach (which i'm sure he did, even though his jewish mother stood over him... and then he had bad gas for the next day or two.)  basically... how hard it must have been for Jesus to be manGOD and not G*D.  how hard it must have been for him to live "normal" every day.  not "privileged" normal, like a royal.  but "tasting the daily suckiness of life" normal... topped with an extra layer of suckiness that comes from being royal in a world of commoners.

and i somehow entered the story... or it entered me.

i found myself crying... which is pretty unusual for me these days, but which is becoming more & more frequent at interesting times.  anyway... i think i experienced Jesus' story overlapping with mine in a way i hadn't felt for a while.

it doesn't explain everything people go through.  but it does help me to better appreciate that G*D truly does understand my/our daily pain.  that he weeps for us not simply because he is aware of it... but because he, himself, lived in it... and yearns for the day we will be free from it.

why do i so quickly bypass the life of Jesus in my hurry to run to this death?  (not to diminish the value of grabbing onto that part of his pain)  but i think it's equally important for us to comprehend that he maneuvered through the same suffering you and i experience... the sufferings of life...

...from losing a friend  ...from hunger  ...from being misunderstood  ...from injustice  ...from a high-fever  ...from getting a splinter  ...from childhood rejection  ...from watching his parent's fight  ...from being blamed for something he didn't do  ...from having to do chores when he'd rather play  ...from getting a "d" in woodworking and the subsequent pain of rejection from his carpenter dad  ...from being picked on  ...from watching things happen that seemed unfair or didn't make sense  ...from temptation  ...from frustrating disciples  ...from eating spoiled fish  ...from living under foreign-domination  ...from being the first-born in a jewish home  ...from realizing you don't fit and that no one else can understand your deepest thoughts  ...from the weight of knowing you're responsible to save the world  ...from anticipating the approaching pain required to do so.

i find it interesting that whenever we encounter stories of the humanness of Jesus... we tend to quickly shift  to his divinity and rescue him from the real pain of living.  but only when we allow Jesus to be fully man will we begin to experience the comfort of knowing that G*D truly does understand what we go through.

having a friend in hard times doesn't fix or remove the pain...  although it certainly helps.

but having a friend in hard times who has felt the pain of regularly stepping on one of life's thistles like we do... well... that's even better.

and knowing that he is the Cares-About-Us-And-Will-Never-Leave-Us-Although-We-Can't-See-Him-G*D... it helps me to realize that he's got a plan to some day make it all right.

G*D anticipated our suffering... entered it... experienced it... persevered through it... attacked & overcame it... walks with us in it... will someday end it... and promises life with him beyond it.

i hate much of what i've been through in life.  i hate that my kids have & will go through that pain as well.  i hate that kids live without fathers and mothers and food and shoes and access to the medicine that could make their lives so much easier.  i hate that people are born without limbs and bodies that work properly.  i hate that the bad decisions of a few bring pain to the many.

i guess i'm saying that engaging the reality that Jesus' own skin ached whenever he fell off his desert bike somehow makes me not want to hold this world's craziness against him so much.

trust is slowly being restored.  and the story's not over.

crash... part 5... the pile-up...

sometimes i think part of why all this confusion shook my core so violently was because of the many layers to it.  whether the quake was immense because all the layers needed to be shaken... or if the many layers were shaken because they were each so fragile... is something i doubt i'll ever know.  probably a bit of both.

and i guess there's something extremely vulnerable about being a pastor as well.  your beliefs are your life and your job... and your job constitutes much of your relationships.  so in some ways... when one is effected, they all are.

my counselor has told me that what i was thinking and feeling was natural for someone in my shoes.  maybe he's right.  all i know is my world wasn't simply upside down... it was exploding.  looking back, all i can do is look at the pieces flying past me... play c.s.i.... and discuss my conclusions with G*D.

coming to westwinds was in and of itself a huge step.  apart from it being something each of us in my family sensed we were being called to do... and apart from the caustic atmosphere i had left... and apart from the volcanic environment i was entering... the move to michigan was a chance to engage a ministry context that encouraged rethinking everything.  i was looking forward to that... to the dialogue and comradery that i anticipated would come in a team of people who weren't comfortable spouting the typical church party line or playing the typical church party games.

after being here a short time, we burst the 'church-in-a-box' seams by exchanging the typical 'sr.-pastor-driven-church' model for a 'shared-leadership' model... i loved the concept and much of the reality.  but i under-estimated the amount of energy required to work through the issues that would inevitably arise.  not unlike a marriage... it began forcing me to face weaknesses in my character and leadership... and challenged my lack of assertiveness & decisiveness.  sometimes i get an 'a+' when it comes to those last two.  sometimes an 'f'.  so... predictably there have been times when sharing an office with 2 great and outspoken and intelligent and passionate and extremely verbal and sometimes hyper guys has been... ...a... ...shall we say, "challenging."  how could it not be so?

but on completely different layer of the earth's crust... for the last couple of years i've been giving myself permission to expand my understanding of G*D... even asking G*D to help me see him true to scripture, but outside the pretty packaging so common to evangelicalism.  at westwinds, our services are often very heady and experiential at the same time.  it's an interesting mix.  i work with some of the best thinkers and most creative people in the world.  but that's not to say that we have time to sit around and discuss theology a ton.  there's a lot to get done.  so... i've found myself working through the questions at a slower pace than expected.  interestingly, this past year has forced me into the fog, ready or not.  forcing me to think... and engage my feelings.  forcing me to see everything in ways that would not have been possible had i not gone through all this.

sometimes i almost see it as G*D saying to me... "okay.  you came here to 'rethink'.  didn't you understand that I was more excited for you to do that than even you were?  so... if you're going to let things distract you from the things i want you to learn about life & ministry & ME, i guess i'll just have to pull out the big guns."

i'm not sure G*D ever talks like that... but there's always been a sense that i was being set-up.  (and i'm not concluding that everytime a person encounters adversity that G*D caused those things... or that he even allowed them because he had some goal for us.  however, i do think scripture's pretty clear that he uses our adversity to bring good things to us if we allow it to do so.)

on still another layer...  a layer on which i didn't expect to experience vertigo...  my internal world was rocked, forcing me to face how vulnerable & fragile i was.  it caught me off guard.  and i didn't like it. 

it made me second-guess myself and how far i'd come.  it made me question the past and fear the future & everything in-between.  i almost felt betrayed.  shell-shocked.  hesitant to move forward.  i questioned my legitimacy as a christ-follower and my ability to pastor. 

add to all that... my health struggles... emma's health possibilities... the weirdness from the lack of ministry activity that comes with being on disability... the absence of physical activity from being sick for so long and so often. (not to mention the separation from the physical & spiritual discipline of running each morning)

then... imagine being in a spot where all those unsettled feelings are fully marinated into my psyche'... a point at which my conclusions about G*D were the flimsiest... and have someone say, "it's okay to go back to work now... as a pastor!"  it's like spinning around with your head on a baseball bat 5,000 times and then being told you have to get into a car and drive in the daytona.

looking at it all now, i'm beginning to realize that this 'crash' was probably unavoidable... and maybe anticipated, if not welcomed... that is... at least by The-One-Who-Promised-to-Make-Everything-Right. 

it was the too-perfect storm. 

sometimes i wish the road on the way to 'more right' had fewer sink holes.

like i said.  i was set-up.

it wasn't a crash... ...this too was a "kaleision".

crash... part 4... the meeting...

forgot to mention that i've added a category so people can more easily start at the beginning for this "crash" series of posts that attempt to recap the crisis of faith i've been going through.  (although i have no idea why anyone would want to read these depressing stories)

what follows is an actual journal entry from 11/13/07.

lots of thoughts in my head these days.

there's this guy i know in town who i run into once every 8 months or so.  i guess i don't really know him... and yet i know more about him than i know about most people.  we connect on a very unusual level... in spite of the fact that he's at least 2 decades younger.

last time we met... almost a year ago... we exchanged phone numbers. but neither of us called.  then a few weeks ago i dug out his number and decided to get in touch with him to see if he wanted to get together.  he did.  so we did... eventually.

one of the reasons i called him wasn't so much to hear how he's doing... but to hear how it was. 

you see... several years ago he walked away from his faith.  he'd told me the story in one of our previous 'kaleisions'... enough to realize we had a lot in common even though our conclusions were vastly different.  we both hated the same things about the current christian culture.  his hatred pushed him to rejection.  mine pushed me into the ministry.

but when he first shared his story, i either didn't listen well enough... or he didn't mention what it felt like inside on the day he woke up and realized he was no longer a christian.  i needed to hear that part of his story.

i've been wrestling a lot these days... even coming to the point of considering walking away myself.  but as i've entertained that notion, i've confronted... or attempted to confront what it might feel like once i was on the other side.

my own initial speculations of how it might feel were pretty harsh.  maybe it would be easier if i were younger... with no family... and if i had some other training than pastoral theology.  however... i also know deep down inside that keeping 'status quo' just to stay comfortable will never work for me. 

i allowed myself to think a bit about how my relationship with beth would change... and how i'd become a different dad... sometimes wondering if much would be different at all.

but i couldn't help but think that the biggest difference would be inside.  how would it feel inside?  i concluded that all would feel empty... and life would have no meaning or purpose except what i, myself, poured into it.  i didn't like that conclusion... but it's the only one i could come to.  it's still the only one i can think of.

so... when we met... and after catching up and talking about some things on his mind... i asked him my question... and told him why i wanted to know.

my story met with silence for quite some time.  later he admitted that he was struggling to determine if i was really serious, because he just couldn't believe these words were coming from me.  later he also admitted that he was scared just hearing what i was entertaining... like i've been his portal back... his last hope... or at least one of the thread bridges that span the gap between him and his now defunct god.

i'm not sure what i was expecting from my question.  maybe i was hoping for something different.  maybe i was hoping to feel some companionship in this ravine.

he spoke a chapter that i knew was honest... but much less dramatic than i wanted to hear.  a story that i could related to all too well for i was already experiencing it on some level... although with much different actors and scenery... and with an ending that was yet unperformed on my stage.

he told of not walking away... but of drifting away.  of tiny choices and absentee ballots that were never returned that eventually led to waking up one day and realizing that he was no longer a christian. 

so... for him, it was less about a choice he made... and more about that part of his life fading away... a worldview slowly eroding and just as subtly being replaced with a new/old way of seeing and thinking.

he admitted that there are still times when he catches himself praying... or falling back into old religious habits.  but for the most part... he is fine to just leave them lie in the dust behind his truck as he barrels down back roads looking for the next gig.

and that what's different about the two of us.  in fact, he said it before i even realized it.  that is... he didn't wrestle with what was going on inside at the time.  he just floated with it... and he applauded me for thinking and studying rather than letting the current carry me.  (with a tinge of regret in his heart i think)

as i typed those words just now, i'm not sure that what he said about me is true though.  i guess on some days i fight.  but on many days i just don't want to think about it.  i just want to feel good again.  i want life to be good... and not so much work.

i told him that i feared the emptiness... or what i imagined would feel empty... of leaving it all behind.  certainly the people.  well, not some of them.  but more than anything, the companionship i have felt with the Almighty.  on some days... when i remember some of the many times i've seen God move... i wonder how i could ever consider walking away.  but then the questions float past my my inner tube as it follows the current... and remind me why i do entertain it.  they splash doubt on the validity of my experience... those 'supernatural' events in my life.

he described a life that was much more about making decisions... choosing to do whatever he wanted or seemed right at the time, rather than a life of being led by any divine being.

we spent a good chunk of time talking about a relationship he's trying to figure out what to do with.  normally, i employ both reason and faith in talking with someone about life decisions.  but because of where we both are... we talked purely on the logical and psychological side.  not that it was bad or anything... it's just that it gave me a tangible reminder of what would be different in pursuing a path of godlessness.  i was seeing the reality of a logic-based decision-making 'modes operandi' right before my eyes.

in all honesty... i'm not sure i saw a whole lot of difference between his decision-making process and that of most "christians."  unless... that is... you're talking about the ones who add god-speak to every sentence (God told me to do this and that) and give G*D way too much credit for things that they themselves have decided, done and want even though it's really just them rationalizing a godly appearing way for them to get to do what they wanted to do all along.

our 3-hour conversation ended too soon.  but we'll get together again.  hopefully sooner than than our usual 8-months.

it will be interesting to see what has transpired in the meantime... ...in both of us.

easy to be hard...

back in my f.w.b.c. days, i was in the group "covenant".  we had a lot of fun together... traveling the countryside singing at every tiny church that could muster up enough family to come hear us.  i remember mary's stomach growling literally everytime she took a deep breath.  i remember the trouble sherman and i used to get into... and the day i accidentally took an embarrassing picture while on easter tour... the story of which followed me back to campus and is still good for laughs to this day.  i remember the game in the van that would break out spontaneously every time duke almost killed us while he was behind the wheel... "it's time to play... ...meet... your... maker!!!!"... that is until our 'more-mature-than-the-rest-of-us' leader decided we had crossed the line into sacriledge.

good times.

once at a conference for tons of pastors & their spouses, i was setting up a song and said something to the effect that ministry would be a whole lot more fun if it wasn't for all the people.  to which i got a huge sigh of agreement from the crowd... so huge that it caught me off guard and gave me a sense that i had just said something that was more true than my experience could yet comprehend.

sadly... now that i've aged... i better understand.  it's the reality that drives many pastors out of the ministry.  we got into this thing to get things done... to transform the church... to change the world... to preach the gospel.  and somewhere along the way, we ruffle feathers in the process of going where we want to go.  (some of us more than others)  and with the ruffles come conversations that require a lot of time and energy. 

it's a guaranteed part of the job. 

as a card-carrying member of the 'ruffling church' movement... we have more 'conversations' than many churches.  (probably not... but it feels that way sometimes)

coming to westwinds was a huge challenge.  i knew that following in the footsteps of a strong founding pastor was equal to commiting professional suicide.  if we hadn't have adopted a shared leadership approach... i'm not sure any of us would have survived.  and i guess the jury's still out to some degree.

pastoring a church in recovery is hard in and of itself.  pastoring an innovative, emerging church in recovery should earn us all spots on 'the apprentice.'  it's been as incredibly rewarding as it has been overwhelming.  were it not for the clear direction of G*D to come here... on many occasions i would have concluded we had done the wrong thing.

that being said... the reality is that there are challenging aspects to any ministry context.  i just wish that someone had told me that most of those challenges would come with skin... and lips... and eyes... and fingers... and teeth.  definitely teeth.

it's in those conversations that i find it most difficult to be the 'servant leader' that i'm supposed to be.  the pleaser side of me wants to make sure everyone is heard, feels loved... convicted that there is a solution to make everyone happy.  the determined part of me wants to ignore the complaints, set my sights on the goal, and charge through whatever or whomever is standing in my way, and expect people to be satisfied with the half full glass.

it's easy to hit a wall where you feel like these conversations are competing with ministry.  and most sr. pastor's i've known eventually conclude that since they can't please everyone, they won't even try... or at the minimum they draw a line between themselves and "the complainers" and call it their defining moment as a true leader.  they give themselves permission to "follow G*D" (meaning, they have reached a level of leadership that allows them to push past complainers to accomplish their convictions.)  they've determined that their strong leadership is their service to their community.  isn't that what a good leader does... lead people where they don't realize they need to go? 

hard to argue with.

most people would assume that i fall more naturally on the relational side.  but more accurately, i have an "assessment" personality... meaning that in most situations i assess things, determine what is lacking... and assume that role.  and since i tend to find myself connected to strong leaders, most see me as the balance guy.  the sensitive pastor.  the servant.  i've played that role so many times and gotten so good at it... i sometimes get lost in the role!  (no, i'm not the middle child!) 

often in hopes of counteracting a perceived imbalance, I'll tend to give way too much time to listening and wanting everyone to be happy... convinced that if we'd just listen to people, we'd all end up more like Jesus and get more done even though it might take longer to get there. 

equally hard to argue with.

but in reality... i can only listen so long before my pendulum swings back to full throttle task mode and i find myself internally purchasing a large and powerful steam-roller.  (although i've gotten pretty good at hiding it)

but more and more i'm convinced that servant leadership is not an "either/or" thing, but another one of those "both/and"s. 

i hate that.  it's so much easier to be "either/or"... to lock the pendulum on one side or the other... or to do that 'swing back & forth between extremes' thing.

G*D's been reminding me that it's in the "both/and" that transformation tends to happen... in me... and in those who happen to be beside me along the way.  it's in the messy-ness of relationship that i am forced to confront who i am.  it's where i'm challenged to become all that G*D desires of me... to grow in what it means to be a leader and servant... to be sensitive and strong... to remember that 'the drive' and 'the destination' cannot be mutually exclusive... that they are both the work of ministry.

how do i do that?  good question.

the truth is, i don't know.  i guess that's why life (whether lived as a leader or as a follower) has to be an honest & dynamic interaction with G*D instead of a manual or best-selling book.  there's no one posture that is the correct answer.  except... i guess, the posture of minute by minute dependency on The-One-I-Follow who is also The-One-I-Never-Lead.

lord... keep me from conclusions that give me permission to be less than who you're asking me to be in the moment... whether strong or sensitive or somehow both.  remind me that love is not optional, but that it's not always 'nice' either.  and keep me from the kind of discernment & wisdom that fights you when you're trying to get at my ears with the q-tip.

crash... part 3... anybody out there?

before i could begin wrestling with the tag-team of "to what degree does G*D interact with humanity?" and "what should & shouldn't i trust G*D to do?"... in order to be a man of integrity, i had to spelunk into the possibilities of a godless world.

so i put on my miner's cap and pulled out my gear... and went underground.

on the 'thumbs-up' side for there being no G*D... i didn't have to look far.  it was easy to saturate my mind with the cruelties of life and conclude that we must be alone in this thing.

but that perspective quickly led me back to the bigger "if that's true, then". that being... if there is no G*D, then everything is absurd.

i'm no philosopher, but my mind has a natural bent that way.  my readings in francis schaeffer laid a good foundation years ago in the days shortly after i left my boat & nets to follow Jesus.  those were days when i wrestled deeply with the question of G*D's existence.  but in the end... francis forced me to face that if there was no G*D, there was no meaning... except maybe what i make of it.  but if the only meaning in life is what i add to a meaningless world... i don't have meaning, but rather i'm stuck with the illusion of meaning.

it's a possibility i guess, but not one that i want to engage.

the other option would be that there is an unknowable god.  but that option concludes 'my christian experience' only racked up credits for me to get a diploma from 'camp bogus'.  as painful as that option would be... for the sake of integrity, i had to allow myself to consider it as a possibility. 

what's ironic is that the surplus of religions and the seeming infinite flavors of christianity almost gave credence to agnosticism.  and my personal struggles with my own faith... as well as the blatant absurdities in american christianity, only made the thought that 'somehow i got it all wrong' even more plausable.

on the other hand... i realized that the existence of inconsistencies and varying religious opinions didn't disprove Jesus.  they could just as easily be the result of us humans attempting to understand something that is beyond our total comprehension... that G*D & truth are both knowable, yet always beyond us.

and... understanding that we can only know something partly doesn't necessarily discredit the part we know.  it simply means there's more to know. 

so in that sense, it's kind of guaranteed that we're going to fall short at some level when trying to put a box around G*D.  (which ironically helps me engage the need for revelation, that is... science, reason, scripture and Jesus... because without them we're completely left to our own experience and speculations.  it seems likely that a G*D who cares about anything would want to reveal himself to us in tangible ways.  it doesn't make sense to me why he'd want to play hide and seek with us.) 

those last thoughts are more current conclusions.  i didn't see them at the time. 

i hadn't yet reached the bottom of the cavern.

off guard...

i'm struggling to articulate what happened to me this morning.  rather... what's happening to me.

i've been having some strange feelings over the last few days.  for instance... lately i've entered our bedroom and been surprised by a feeling that i'm no longer in the present... but reliving a moment from hell.  it's hard to explain.

i thought maybe it's just the natural by-product of some of my circumstances of late.

for instance... last night i spoke at a university class on "death & dying."  i know... ...sounds like a lot of fun.  i was asked to tell my story and help the students engage what they've been learning by inviting them to tag along on my journey for a few minutes.

i realize i'm not dying.  or at least i'm not aware of it if i am.  but my professor/friend was hoping they'd learn something about how a person in my shoes keeps living in spite of the physical reality.  of course... in order to tell my story, i needed to think through my story.  and therefore on some level that meant that i'd have to re-engage my story.

to prepare, yesterday i re-read a few of my posts from the past year and was surprised by how much i didn't remember... and how fuzzy i was on the "whens" and "whats".  however, i managed to put enough of the pieces together in order to walk into the classroom with some semblance of confidence.

all in all it was a great thing... at least for me.  telling your story is a healing experience in and of itself.  so... i was thankful for the opportunity, and went to bed last night with a good feeling in my soul.

but when the alarm clock went off this morning, a strange feeling greeted me as my eyes opened.  but i couldn't put my finger on what it was.  i pushed it aside with a few prayers and my morning cleansing ritual and just kept moving.  but didn't realize that it followed me into the garage and into my car.

then... driving down dearing road on my way to i-94... heading toward bob evans to meet a friend... i was broadsided.

something was capturing me and i felt incapable of fighting it.

more than a smell... more than a drive-by feeling... everything seemed to be joining hands to overpower me and convince me that i had been transported to the past.  and specifically... to a treatment day.

i remember crying out in my head, "what is going on?!"  then it all clicked.

the smell in the air... the time of day... the weather... the road i was driving... the pre-dawn look of the sky... my morning routine while the rest of the house slept... the sound of the 4-cylinder... it all fit a little too perfectly.  my mind was picking up on the bizaare collision of sense.  the moments were ganging up on me and i was no longer heading to breakfast with my friend.  it was march '07... and i was on my way for treatment.

it's fascinating to think about how powerful the senses are.  on one level, i'm in awe of how wonderfully G*D created our bodies & minds.  although... i'll admit that in cases like this, i'd rather he'd have eased up on the wonderful part just a tad.

now that i realize what's going on, you'd think that i'd be okay.  but it's not that simple.  periodically i'm assaulted... and although i now know where it's coming from... it still rocks me to my bones.

i'm guessing this is all part of the process of healing... and simply what's next for me in the recovery protocol. 

okay G*D... let's get this over with.  i've got work to do.

oh... this is my work?

be with me Jesus.

emotions appeared out of nowhere and tried to drown me as i struggled to push the horror back into the past.

crash... part 2... basic questions...

in my pain... there were two basic things i was wrestling with.  i guess i'm still wrestling, but with less angst.  but wrestling just the same.  i think it's the curse of post-garden life.

one... the essence of G*D's involvement in our world

two... what we can trust him to do

most people struggle with the idea of G*D because evil and suffering exist in the world.  they conclude, therefore...  that he doesn't care, isn't there, somehow has one hand tied behind his back or intended it all to happen as part of his bigger plan.

in spite of the pain... i've encountered the love of G*D through-out my life in such tangible ways that it was hard to believe that he didn't care... in spite of my present pain.  so that left either 'he isn't there and i've been dupted all these years'... or 'he is there and somehow it's all part of his good plan'... or 'he's not fully in charge for some reason'.

the more i run into people whose lives were so tangled and twisted at early ages... the more i've felt frustrated in believing the standard evangelical line that 'everyone gets what they deserve except for those who embrace Jesus, who then in the end get what they don't deserve.'  i get that we've all blown it... but the G*D i experience in Jesus (through the scriptures and otherwise) just doesn't seem consistent with the common understanding of a god who sends everyone to hell except for those who say a little prayer.

i'm not saying he couldn't or doesn't do that, but rather that it's not that simple... or as nice and neat as we advertise it to be.

i'd seen the beauty of a life transformed by Jesus.  i thought i had experienced it personally.  but the more i met people who had overcome incredible odds without Jesus... and the more "christians" i met who supposedly knew Jesus, yet whose lives seemed unchanged in the most basic ways... and the more i acknowledged my own never-ending inner struggles in spite of years of devotion and discipline... ...the more i was forced to question G*D's fairness, plan, sovereignty... and character.

one might wonder why i never questioned that before due to the extensive amount of pain in the world.  and that's a fair question. 

certainly i had. 

but i guess i'd seen enough 'miracles' come from crisis... had enjoyed such an intimate transformation personally... and had believed my loving G*D was somehow fair and just in whatever he did, that i never allowed myself to embrace the depths of humanity's condition.

but september connected me to that reality on a deeper level.  i found myself concluding that the world had gone crazy...  that we desperately needed help...  and that the plan i was sold in church, bible college & seminary was only making a small dent.  so... i concluded... maybe i've misunderstood the plan.

or... maybe there was no plan.

entertaining the latter took me places of which i'm not proud.  but i needed to go there just the same.