off guard...

i'm struggling to articulate what happened to me this morning.  rather... what's happening to me.

i've been having some strange feelings over the last few days.  for instance... lately i've entered our bedroom and been surprised by a feeling that i'm no longer in the present... but reliving a moment from hell.  it's hard to explain.

i thought maybe it's just the natural by-product of some of my circumstances of late.

for instance... last night i spoke at a university class on "death & dying."  i know... ...sounds like a lot of fun.  i was asked to tell my story and help the students engage what they've been learning by inviting them to tag along on my journey for a few minutes.

i realize i'm not dying.  or at least i'm not aware of it if i am.  but my professor/friend was hoping they'd learn something about how a person in my shoes keeps living in spite of the physical reality.  of course... in order to tell my story, i needed to think through my story.  and therefore on some level that meant that i'd have to re-engage my story.

to prepare, yesterday i re-read a few of my posts from the past year and was surprised by how much i didn't remember... and how fuzzy i was on the "whens" and "whats".  however, i managed to put enough of the pieces together in order to walk into the classroom with some semblance of confidence.

all in all it was a great thing... at least for me.  telling your story is a healing experience in and of itself.  so... i was thankful for the opportunity, and went to bed last night with a good feeling in my soul.

but when the alarm clock went off this morning, a strange feeling greeted me as my eyes opened.  but i couldn't put my finger on what it was.  i pushed it aside with a few prayers and my morning cleansing ritual and just kept moving.  but didn't realize that it followed me into the garage and into my car.

then... driving down dearing road on my way to i-94... heading toward bob evans to meet a friend... i was broadsided.

something was capturing me and i felt incapable of fighting it.

more than a smell... more than a drive-by feeling... everything seemed to be joining hands to overpower me and convince me that i had been transported to the past.  and specifically... to a treatment day.

i remember crying out in my head, "what is going on?!"  then it all clicked.

the smell in the air... the time of day... the weather... the road i was driving... the pre-dawn look of the sky... my morning routine while the rest of the house slept... the sound of the 4-cylinder... it all fit a little too perfectly.  my mind was picking up on the bizaare collision of sense.  the moments were ganging up on me and i was no longer heading to breakfast with my friend.  it was march '07... and i was on my way for treatment.

it's fascinating to think about how powerful the senses are.  on one level, i'm in awe of how wonderfully G*D created our bodies & minds.  although... i'll admit that in cases like this, i'd rather he'd have eased up on the wonderful part just a tad.

now that i realize what's going on, you'd think that i'd be okay.  but it's not that simple.  periodically i'm assaulted... and although i now know where it's coming from... it still rocks me to my bones.

i'm guessing this is all part of the process of healing... and simply what's next for me in the recovery protocol. 

okay G*D... let's get this over with.  i've got work to do.

oh... this is my work?

be with me Jesus.

emotions appeared out of nowhere and tried to drown me as i struggled to push the horror back into the past.

Comments

[JVo]

maybe you are on the island with the rest of the LOST crew and you are doing that funky time travel thing. if you are, you will know when your nose starts bleeding. find a constant. oh, i forgot, you don't watch LOST.

[Rick Lingenfelter]

All of this sounds too familiar.

[James]

Thank you for sharing in class the other night. I thought that was really brave, and I learned a lot from hearing your story. I'm happy that you found healing in it. :)