fogparty

chutes & ladders...

last week was one of those up & down weeks.

surgery & the next couple days were better than i expected.  i really didn't feel bad at all and told "lolly" my night-shift nurse not to bother waking me to give me any pain-killers.  but i should have clued in that i was starting down "cocky lane" when she replied, "mr. shafer, it's been less than 24-hours since your surgery and these meds aren't habit-forming. sooooo... if you really want to stop taking them now, that's your call.  but you might consider at least waiting until you've been home a day or two before you go off of them."

and you'd think by now that i'd have learned to listen to my wife's warnings that i might be over-doing it... needed more rest... shouldn't be driving... and "why in the world are you pulling weeds from the flower bed!?!?"

but i felt great.

even when the bon-voyage package my surgeon hand-stitched to my body began to malfunction on wednesday... i still managed to convince my lady that i'd be fine driving myself to ann arbor for that spontaneous thursday appointment to get things back in working order.  and i was!

and of course, i couldn't miss opening night of the play...

and i had to return the next night to video tape our fabulous kids.

sure... maybe i was starting to feel a bit punkish... but... i wasn't doing anything that felt that uncomfortable... at least initially.  "is it hot in here or is it just me?"  "hmmm... maybe i'll just stay until the big "i-o-way" number after the intermission." 

of course... later that night... "honey... where's that number for the after-hours surgical oncologist?" 

so... an all night trip to the e.r., and as we're driving home around 5 the next morning... (beth want's it made clear that i spent the time in a bed... while she got the chair)... and after the "you-need-to-at-least-act-like-you-had-surgery-this-week" lecture... i kinda began to think maybe she had a point.

did i get this skull density from the shafer side... or the campbell side?

makes sense that just maybe part of the reason this surgery didn't feel anything close to the last 4 was because it was the 5th one in the same area and all the nerves in that area left for vegas a long time ago.

anyway... the antibiotic seems to be clearing-up whatever internal infection was attacking my body...  my drain-buddy is working fine again... and life is good.

"yes dear.  i promise i'll behave."

i will say this.  that trip to foote's new emergency room proved once again that i've got a golden wife.  as if i needed more proof.

watching her walk across the room to help an elderly lady with an injured hand who was struggling to open a bottle of water... watching her love on the baby of a young mom who was waiting for her child to be seen... finally in a room and waking up to the sound of her voice outside my door, thanking the head nurse for the special 4 a.m. tour of the entire new facility (whom she just happened to run into as she was stretching her legs... after sitting in that dang chair for so long).

that's my wife.  no such thing as a stranger or someone unworthy of a little love.

yep... i guess i'll keep her.

peacocking in parma...

ian & emma have been tearing up the stage at western high school this week.  they've been part of the cast of "state fair", an old musical set at the 1937 iowa, you guessed it... state fair. 

ian scored one of the leads... and plays the part of "wayne", a farm boy who becomes enchanted by a showgirl and temporarily diverted from his life-long love waiting for him back home.  there are a lot of students from westwinds in the production... which makes it even more fun.  and ian's girlfriend plays the role of his sister.  kelsey has a lot of songs and does a wonderful job.

the musical is a lot of fun... and the kids all worked very hard; but i must say that ian was the surprise for me.  he's a natural. emma too for that matter.  she knows how to spice up a freshman chorus part better than most i've ever seen.  i'm sure she's got a lot of high school performances ahead of her.  but watching ian on stage for his first production was like watching him climb into his own skin.  he seemed so comfortable.  his character didn't feel forced or contrived.  it was just him.

and his singing was great too.  some of the songs had quite the range... but he nailed the notes, whether low or high.  i was so proud.  i'm not sure he's got acting in his blood like his older sister, but i'd be surprised if the bug hasn't bitten him on some level.  i guess as a parent, we never know how these experiences translate into life.

ian's had quite a spring... and i'm proud of him for hanging in there with all he's had going on.  he's learned some hard lessons about appropriate levels of commitment and life pace. 

maybe he should teach me some of them.

which reminds me of a thought i had a few months back during a time in which things had been a bit strained between me & ian.  we're usually very close.  but it just seemed that i couldn't do anything right... and he couldn't make me happy either.  then i remembered that tension was strangely like what jenn & i experienced during the last semester of her own senior year.  hmmm. 

since then things have been a bit better... or at least we better understand some of the dynamics going on... him wanting to get away from mom & dad... and us wanting to hold on to our baby-in-a-man's body.

shortly after that realization... a thought came to mind while i was driving.  (i wrote it down because i knew i'd forget it if i didn't).  it's actually kind of a prayer.

may i never expect his young heart to carry all the wisdom i've gained through my many years and experiences... ...but may i also remember that he is learning things i have forgotten or have yet to grasp.

observations from the observation unit...

warning... rambling middle of the night post from a man on pain-killers ahead.  bottom-line: i'm doing well... really well.

it's late.  but i woke up just before they came in to take my vitals and give my meds... and i've got these thoughts running through my head.

it's been a great day in every sense of the word. 

"great" because i've lived it aware of the grace & love that presses against every inch of my skin... and that i swallow with every breath. 

all because of...

...The Kind Prosthetic who enables me to enjoy LIFE...
...a wonderful, as well as inside & out beautiful, wife who brings me green tea & candy bars (even though she refuses to allow me to win more than 1-in-3 games of double-solitaire) while we pass the time in this curtain-walled cubby-hole... 
...three loving kids who call me and cheer me on...
...family on both sides who send waves of support...
...and friends close & far whose knees mention our names to Our Eager King.

the day has gone so much better than it could've.  i am truly amazed with how i felt coming out of surgery.  so different from the other times.

i haven't talked with dr. sabel directly, but beth takes pages & pages of notes every time a white coat comes within ten feet.  she knows all too well that i have lots of questions when i wake up in post-op... especially knowing she's already seen the doc.  he was pleasantly surprised to discover the tumor was not attached to the right axillary vein.  that is the best news of the day.  it doesn't mean that i won't end up with lymphadema... but it does mean that i'm not guaranteed to get it.  radiation will still likely bring it on... but hopefully with less severity than if the vein had been compromised during the surgery.  but we're not on that bridge yet.

in a few weeks i'll begin radiation to eradicate whatever melanoma cells the surgeon couldn't get.  they're now considering lightening the intensity of the individual treatments... but greatly lengthening the number of treatments.  i'll know more soon.  but it won't all begin until i've healed a bit.  of course they're trying to make it as effective as possible while causing as little damage as possible.  they keep telling me they're being aggressive... and i appreciate that... even though i'm sure there will be some days when i'll disagree with my own optimism.

it looks like i'm going to be able to get the treatments close to home... which will be huge considering the pumps are at $3.69/gallon and taunt us to go over 4 soon.

my friend (who also happens to be my oncologist) stopped in to check on me later in the day.  and after we got past all the medical stuff... we had a great time catching up on life beyond research & hand-sanitizer.  i'm continually thankful for his wisdom & wit... and that he's my cancer doc of choice.

after a dinner detour... (thankfully we cut off the nurse right before she lifted the cover from the baked fish beneath!  that was a cruel joke G*D!  but i managed to keep it together until a burger arrived)...

...beth and i walked into the lobby so i could call the kids.  we picked just the right grouping of chairs and found a buck-seventy-eight in change that had no-doubt fallen out of someone's pocket.  score! 

3 calls to the 3 cell phones was better than any pain med.  these are challenging days for each one of them, but loving them through their struggles helps bring some normalcy to all the craziness.  but sometimes i get more than a bit concerned with all the things their young hearts carry.  trusting G*D to be with them as he has with me is my greatest comfort.

today jenn had her first meeting with the director of 'cabaret' for next fall.  i can already see that the role & play are going to be a huge opportunity for G*D to stretch and form her in fascinating ways.  i can't wait.  yet, it's not going to be easy. 

but few journeys are.

the man through the curtain on my left is not having such an easy go of it.  at first i was concerned that he'd keep me awake all night with his low-toned groans and whispered expletives.  but then i remembered how G*D has gifted me with the ability to pretty much sleep anywhere, anytime... and of the privilege i have of praying for him through those times he might trip me out of my slumber.  it's kind of nice to be less absorbed with my own issues for once... at least enough to think of others.

my nurse's name is "lolly"...  and she's very sweet.  she doesn't bug me... just "pop" in from time to time.

looking over this post... i remember that sometimes people read these posts and tell me they are amazed at my ability to be so optimistic & spiritually-minded while facing hardship.  (they obviously haven't read the darth vader posts).  if the truth be told... tonight is just one of those times when G*D's set me up for good stuff in spite of myself.  after all, tons of people are praying for me... and like i said earlier, i'm surrounded by an incredible support system.

but tonight i have proof for you skeptics. 

1.  my wife's name is "beth"... which means "house of G*D."
2.  my surgeon is named after the archangel, "michael" meaning "who is like G*D".
3.  my oncologist's name is "christopher" meaning "christ-bearer".
4.  my nurse's name is "lolly"... but her real name is "loyola".  (st. ignatius)
5.  and my nurse tech's name is "jerusalem".

no joke!

i know it's all a bit silly... and doesn't really mean anything. 

yet... i'm glad the silly-ness can sometimes remind me of the reality that i'm too often blind to... ...that being...

once again i've been set up... ...and truly blessed.

Done

struggling to keep my eyes open... but am praising G*D that they didn't have to cut the vein! it was underneath it, so he just had to immobilize it.

the tumor was larger than anticipated, so radiation will definitely be in the plan. he's confident he didn't get it all.

thanks for all the prayers!

okay... the eyelids are winning. Sent wirelessly via BlackBerry from T-Mobile.

big day...

i'm about to hit the sack, but wanted to put down a few of my thoughts.

it's been a long day.  i didn't really have any responsibilities at westwinds today... but i still hung around for all 3 fusions.  i've officially started on a 3 month medical leave of absence...  yet again.  the church has been so good to me... and patient.

as soon as church was out... i headed up to see jenn's last performance of 'babes in arms'... and to catch a few minutes with my little girl after the show.  i think it's been a little rough on her being so busy... and being away from home for all the stuff that's going on with me.  i can't wait to have her home for the summer.

then tonight beth and i helped john celebrate his 40th.  wow... is he ever getting old! 

reminds me of the time not that long ago when a twenty-something friend came over to our home and heard that i'd recently had a birthday.  and after some banter about me getting old... he said, "well, you're not that old.  i'm mean it's not like you're 40 or anything." 

believe it or not... another guy came over just an hour later and said almost the exact same thing!  since i was about 50 at the time... i didn't know whether to take their comments as complements or death sentences!

anyway... it's good to know we're all getting older at the same rate.

these last few days before surgery have been interesting.  at first i went into hyper-drive... trying to get a ton of things done in anticipation of the month long time when i won't be able to lift anything heavier than a jug of milk... or raise my arms over my head.  lots to do to be ready for ian's grad party in june.  but a couple days ago i let go of it all... and decided to just enjoy the time.

i've wrestled with whether i'm too emotionally detatched from what i'm about to undergo... feeling like people around me were more concerned about my health than i was.  but eventually came to the conclusion that all i can do is be myself... and keep looking to G*D for help.  i've had some good prayer times with some friends.  and no matter what... i'm truly not worried.

still there have been those times when it all catches up to me... and i consider how different things could be after the surgery.  and it's hard to think about.  yet... i can't change that.  so it's senseless to linger too long in those thoughts. 

still... tomorrow's going to be a big day.

leave for ann arbor around 5... arrive at 6... surgery at 7:30.

i should be home tuesday sometime if all goes well.

but i know i go supported by much love... good docs... many prayers... an awesome family... and a wonderful G*D.

yep... i've got it pretty good.

i do, but...

a couple weeks ago i headed to our local hospital to visit a friend suffering a set-back.  she's calls me her m&m buddy (she has multiple myeloma)... and is my inspiration when it comes to pushing through all the stuff that comes with cancer.  she's incredible.

anyway... i picked up a bunch of flowers on the way... and when i got to the hospital, i sought out the nice ladies at the info desk for my friend's room number.  but as i approached with the bouquet... before i could ask my question... one of the two volunteers noticed the flowers and said, "oh!  i didn't know you cared!"

to which i immediately responded, "i do...  ...but not about you!"

my compassionate side really shines on some ocassions.

her friend sitting next to her burst out laughing and said something like... i guess he put you in your place.

they gave me the room number anyway... and i said thanks through my "i'm so clever" grin, then slid between the elevator doors. 

after my visit, i slithered out from the same doors... snuck past the desk... and ducked into the gift shop where i found two lonely carnations.

returning to the info desk, one of the ladies had stepped away... so i lay both of flowers in front of the one elderly volunteer and said, "these are for you and your friend.  G*D bless you." 

of course she went nuts and thought i was the kindest sweetest man on the planet.

i wish she was right.  unfortunately most days i'm way too stingy.  just ask my family.  and if the truth be told... i honestly cringed at spending that buck-twenty-five on one carnation... two-fifty for 2! 

you'd think i'd have softened by now... and especially knowing that in a couple of days i'll be at the mercy of similar hospital staff & volunteers. 

it's always so much fun to show kindness to others.

maybe i'm not hopeless just yet.

maybe.

circles...

i can't say that i knew that the cancer was back even before the test confirmed it.  but i will say i did have a sense that something wasn't right. 

was that G*D preparing me?  or me preparing myself for "just in case"s? 

either way... i'm thankful that it didn't hit me quite like many imagine it must have.  it's been a few weeks since i got the scan results.  i/we just needed some time...

...before everyone else jumped on the merry-go-round along with us.

surgery has been moved up to this coming monday.

funny...

for the last 3 weeks i've been playing hide 'n seek with the news... ... learning once again how to ask, while resting in the wisdom i see floating in the eyes of The One I Follow.  as the surgery pounds at my door, i find myself swinging repetitively between dread, denial, & dependence on some 3-way pendulum.

some days i detest this place.

and on others i'm overwhelmed by the beauty & peace that rennovates the fog.

and there are days when i'm emotion-less... stoically clawing at my "things i must get done before" list.

some days my ears are deaf to all but the flats and minor chords that drone on and on.

but puffs of moments appear... billowing my lungs with such wonder that no room or need remains for oxygen.  and in those globs of seconds i find myself gasping for more of the LIFE that teases me so briefly. 

yesterday wasn't one of those days.

yesterday was my pre-op appointment.

i think surgeons should come with remote controls so that when they walk into the room we get the chance to press "menu" and set their personalities, language, playback speed or block certain channels.  but... i guess he's one of the best at what he does.  so when all is said and done... i'd rather have an expert in the operating room with low patient e.q.... as opposed to a bottom of the class surgeon who's smooth at the bedside.

only makes me more thankful for dr. lao.  he's the "both/and" when it comes to docs.  what a gift in this crazy place i find myself.

the initial plan is for surgery to get all or most of the "wow-how-did-it-grow-so-big-so-fast" tumor that now resides in my mine-field of a right armpit... ...then radiation... then bio-therapy.  but surgery is the first step.

and we'll go from there.

with this being my 5th right armpit surgery, i'm kind of tired of reading all the fine print.  i'd rather look at the brochure pictures and plan on the disney surgical vacation.  but the fine print has its place... and faith isn't worth much if it can't look at "what if"s in the eye.  so... the reality is that there are some tricky aspects to this surgery... and some likely consequences that could be pretty sucky... and some pretty big ramifications if they can't get all or most of it this time around. 

but since life is more of a farm than a cruise... and Jesus is more of a farmer than an activity director...

...that familiar smell in the air tells me it must be fertilizing time once again at the shafer homestead... and time to put on my boots for a while.  speaking of that... did i ever mention that my mother-in-law went to school with a guy named "oman uhr"? 

but all in all i'm thankful.

...thankful that i'm not doing this alone.

...thankful that i've learned a thing or two over the last year.

...thankful that physical health is only one form of wellness.

...thankful that this didn't happen a few months back when all i could see was the bottom of the trash can lid.

...thankful that i've been able to have some time back at westwinds.

...thankful that i once again enjoy foods & smells... except breaded fish and hand-sanitizer.  (i actually shivered when i typed those words just now.  how weird am i?!)

...thankful that it's warm enough to sit on the front porch again.

...thankful that G*D's love is like a starving bounty hunter... with a huge reward... and clear instructions to bring me in alive.

...thankful that "losing" is not in the kingdom playbook.

of course... it's always nice to "post" on the good days.

our babes...

last night was opening night for 'babes in arms' at msu.

jenn was excited to get a small role in the production since it was being directed by broadway director, greg ganakas... and choreographed by two-time tony nominee, randy skinner.  she loves musical theatre, but hasn't taken dance lessons since "the clippety-clop" in cleveland.  so, getting into the cast at all was a surprise... and guaranteed to be a lot of work.  they've been working on the tap dances for months and months.  and last night it all paid off. 

the show was great fun in that old cheesy musical kind of way!

i've uploaded photos onto the side bar album (but not as many as i did for pygmalion!)

i must admit that i hadn't heard of the musical itself.  i guess that's because it was originally done in the '30's.  but i did recognize a few of the songs from it, like... "blue moon"... "the lady is a tramp"... "the most beautiful girl in the world"... and "johnny one-note".  one more confirmation that i'm older than i'd like to admit.

i was especially amazed with the dancing .  they all were fantastic... if i do say so myself. 

if you're interested... performances continue through april 20th.

of course when you're a theatre major, there's never time to rest.  if you're not in a production, you're working on sets, costumes, and on and on.  and as auditions come up... you're required to try-out.  as this production was about to hit the stage... msu held tryouts for the 3 productions scheduled for the fall. 

jenn was called back for all three... and won the lead in cabaret! 

we're so proud.  not only because she got the lead... again, but even more so because of the way she handled herself in the auditions.  it's a long story.  let's just say mom & dad were proud to see her faith coming through in self-initiated tangible ways.

but jenn isn't the only one we're proud of these days...

both ian and emma will be in their high school's spring musical in a couple weeks.  (april 24-26)  w.h.s. is doing an old musical too, "state fair".  ian is one of the leads (wayne) and emma is in the chorus.  the fact that ian even auditioned kind of shocked us.  we always knew he had it in him, but he's never shown that much interest.  we know he's going to do a fantastic job.  and emma will no doubt add her own special touch... as she always does to everything.

so you can look forward to more proud papa pics very soon!  lucky you!!!

thank you G*D for great kids.

(as always... click on any picture to see it larger)

crash... part final... can you hear it?

i've been waiting to post this final "crash" entry.  maybe more will come out later.  but the time is right for me to draw it to a close for now.

it's been almost exactly 6-months since that day in september when the fog consumed me.

i'm slowly adjusting to this new road.  but... i've still got so far to go.

at times i wish i could roll back the clock and have everything be as it was.  but... looking back... G*D never has allowed me to stay small in my thinking.  it seems he's always pushing me to see him in new ways... bigger ways... other ways.

i still don't have all the answers i'd like to have.  actually... it seems i have fewer than ever before. 

for some reason i just assumed age & experience would fill in more of the blanks.  instead it's covered a few of my answers with 'white out'... and re-written a bunch of the other ones in pencil.

i'm not sure i can say why things now are more okay than they were back in september.  but if i had to put my finger on it... i guess someplace along the way i realized i really missed him.  G*D, that is. 

the peace... the love... the forgiveness... the wisdom... the comfort... the sense of belonging... of meaning & purpose... the completion... the feeling of being "new" in spite of the mirror telling me otherwise.

i missed Jesus.

i came to the conclusion that life with him & lots of unanswered questions is far better than life alone & those same unanswered questions.

and when it all came down to it... he'd shown himself faithful to me on too many occasions.  i couldn't turn my back on him.

i remember when my parents decided to remarry each other after being divorced for 7 or 8 years.  i had prayed for that day to come for so long.  but after years of waiting, i'd finally given up and concluded they weren't right for each other. 

so the day my mother told me their plans... i asked her "do you love him?"  her response convinced me they'd be okay.

she said, "i don't think i ever really stopped."

someplace deep down inside i always new that.  i think it'd just been covered by so much pain that it took time for her to forgive... and re-engage those feelings.

i guess that's the place i came to a couple months back.  even though i don't have answers for why prayer isn't answered more often... or why horrible things happen to children... or how G*D makes everything right in the end... or exactly what he does and doesn't do in the world...

...when all is said and done, i just needed some time to vent my frustration... and learn to be more okay with all the un-answers.

a couple months back i told joe that it felt like G*D was gently saying to me,

"okay... so the fog's thicker than you ever thought it could be.  you can't change that.  so listen for the music... ...and get back to the dance."

and that's the journey i've been on for a couple months.  not that all the pain & questions are gone.  but in spite of it... in spite of them...  ...i'm starting to listen for the music again.

i can't say that's exactly come easily.

for a while i tried "dancing" without the music... hoping it would magically appear.  but that's not how it works.  you just can't boogie without music.  at the very least it's got to be in your head.

you just have to listen for it.  and to do that... sometimes you have to push everything else out.

i'm still pretty numb inside, but glimpses of emotion occasionally shoot through my cold heart.  sometimes communication feels a bit strained.  and i'm sure we'll still wrestle, he and i.  but i think he's okay with that.  and usually i discover while i was fighting... he was moving in for a big-ol' bear-hug.

so i hope i can say that no matter what happens from here on out... we're good again.

i hope.

the story's not over yet.

up in the air...

my seat on the airplane was next to a man who should have purchased 2 seats.  so while hugging the window... between thoughts of emma a couple hours ahead of me... i began thinking about what awaited us at st. jude the next day. 

it's been a few years since i've been to st. jude.  thankfully, we have lots of good memories to counteract the not so good ones.  so i didn't think much about what it might be like to return.  but while we floated above the clouds, it hit me that in just a few hours i'd be facing the very thing that pushed me into the 'crash'. 

the wisps of hair on the children's heads... the kids with one eye... the scars... the swollen cheeks... the wheel chairs... the masks... and on and on.  each telling emma's story in new ways.  each doing the best they can to cope with their own pain and fear of the future... desperate to write a different ending than what seemed likely.

yet... it wasn't these things or the fear of them that pushed me into my skepticism.  even though each check-up threatened to throw us back into the middle of the story once again, G*D's grace & strength had been sufficient for us then... and i never doubted that it could sustain us for plenty of todays & tomorrows.

yet... back in late september when i had just finished my own treatment for the same cancer emma had fought... i found myself dazed.  beth & emma were at st. jude getting her 6-month check-up.  i was praying for her as usual... but mid-prayer i found myself resenting the fact that no matter how diligently i prayed, i could never be certain her cancer was gone.  furthermore... i wrestled with how unfair it seemed that she had to watch her dad's cancer return and be vividly reminded that hers could do the same.  beyond all that... i reacted to the thought that all of this might blur her vision of the very G*D whose love could make her whole... but whose love has so often appeared cloaked in pain in her few short years.

flying high above the clouds, i coached myself to remember that i'd come a long way since that day in september.  yet, i wondered if my faith had grown strong enough to face the monster so directly.

the next morning... as i lie in bed waiting for the alarm to sound and shove us into the day filled with appointments... G*D and i had a little chat.  basically i asked for strength... and for perspective.

there's something you witness while walking the halls of st. jude children's research hospital.  it's the amazing ability for kids to find joy in the little things... in spite of the pain.  it's their laughter.  their smiles.  their squeals of delight.  their kindness.

true... sometimes you have to look hard for it.  it might take a while to show up.  but it's there nonetheless... waiting for the right moment to peak out.  waiting for someone to invite it to surface.  the staff are experts at it.

and when we get a glimpse of it... we peek through the blinds into a world that was supposed to be and will be one day.

so... even before we got the good report from emma's docs... it was a good day.  the report just made it better.

i've got so much to learn.  i'm taking this journey one step at a time.  and G*D is a patient teacher.