i've been waiting to post this final "crash" entry. maybe more will come out later. but the time is right for me to draw it to a close for now.
it's been almost exactly 6-months since that day in september when the fog consumed me.
i'm slowly adjusting to this new road. but... i've still got so far to go.
at times i wish i could roll back the clock and have everything be as it was. but... looking back... G*D never has allowed me to stay small in my thinking. it seems he's always pushing me to see him in new ways... bigger ways... other ways.
i still don't have all the answers i'd like to have. actually... it seems i have fewer than ever before.
for some reason i just assumed age & experience would fill in more of the blanks. instead it's covered a few of my answers with 'white out'... and re-written a bunch of the other ones in pencil.
i'm not sure i can say why things now are more okay than they were back in september. but if i had to put my finger on it... i guess someplace along the way i realized i really missed him. G*D, that is.
the peace... the love... the forgiveness... the wisdom... the comfort... the sense of belonging... of meaning & purpose... the completion... the feeling of being "new" in spite of the mirror telling me otherwise.
i missed Jesus.
i came to the conclusion that life with him & lots of unanswered questions is far better than life alone & those same unanswered questions.
and when it all came down to it... he'd shown himself faithful to me on too many occasions. i couldn't turn my back on him.
i remember when my parents decided to remarry each other after being divorced for 7 or 8 years. i had prayed for that day to come for so long. but after years of waiting, i'd finally given up and concluded they weren't right for each other.
so the day my mother told me their plans... i asked her "do you love him?" her response convinced me they'd be okay.
she said, "i don't think i ever really stopped."
someplace deep down inside i always new that. i think it'd just been covered by so much pain that it took time for her to forgive... and re-engage those feelings.
i guess that's the place i came to a couple months back. even though i don't have answers for why prayer isn't answered more often... or why horrible things happen to children... or how G*D makes everything right in the end... or exactly what he does and doesn't do in the world...
...when all is said and done, i just needed some time to vent my frustration... and learn to be more okay with all the un-answers.
a couple months back i told joe that it felt like G*D was gently saying to me,
"okay... so the fog's thicker than you ever thought it could be. you can't change that. so listen for the music... ...and get back to the dance."
and that's the journey i've been on for a couple months. not that all the pain & questions are gone. but in spite of it... in spite of them... ...i'm starting to listen for the music again.
i can't say that's exactly come easily.
for a while i tried "dancing" without the music... hoping it would magically appear. but that's not how it works. you just can't boogie without music. at the very least it's got to be in your head.
you just have to listen for it. and to do that... sometimes you have to push everything else out.
i'm still pretty numb inside, but glimpses of emotion occasionally shoot through my cold heart. sometimes communication feels a bit strained. and i'm sure we'll still wrestle, he and i. but i think he's okay with that. and usually i discover while i was fighting... he was moving in for a big-ol' bear-hug.
so i hope i can say that no matter what happens from here on out... we're good again.
i hope.
the story's not over yet.
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