fogparty: circles...

i can't say that i knew that the cancer was back even before the test confirmed it. but i will say i did have a sense that something wasn't right.

was that G*D preparing me? or me preparing myself for "just in case"s?

either way... i'm thankful that it didn't hit me quite like many imagine it must have. it's been a few weeks since i got the scan results. i/we just needed some time...

...before everyone else jumped on the merry-go-round along with us.

surgery has been moved up to this coming monday.

funny...

for the last 3 weeks i've been playing hide 'n seek with the news... ... learning once again how to ask, while resting in the wisdom i see floating in the eyes of The One I Follow. as the surgery pounds at my door, i find myself swinging repetitively between dread, denial, & dependence on some 3-way pendulum.

some days i detest this place.

and on others i'm overwhelmed by the beauty & peace that rennovates the fog.

and there are days when i'm emotion-less... stoically clawing at my "things i must get done before" list.

some days my ears are deaf to all but the flats and minor chords that drone on and on.

but puffs of moments appear... billowing my lungs with such wonder that no room or need remains for oxygen. and in those globs of seconds i find myself gasping for more of the LIFE that teases me so briefly.

yesterday wasn't one of those days.

yesterday was my pre-op appointment.

i think surgeons should come with remote controls so that when they walk into the room we get the chance to press "menu" and set their personalities, language, playback speed or block certain channels. but... i guess he's one of the best at what he does. so when all is said and done... i'd rather have an expert in the operating room with low patient e.q.... as opposed to a bottom of the class surgeon who's smooth at the bedside.

only makes me more thankful for dr. lao. he's the "both/and" when it comes to docs. what a gift in this crazy place i find myself.

the initial plan is for surgery to get all or most of the "wow-how-did-it-grow-so-big-so-fast" tumor that now resides in my mine-field of a right armpit... ...then radiation... then bio-therapy. but surgery is the first step.

and we'll go from there.

with this being my 5th right armpit surgery, i'm kind of tired of reading all the fine print. i'd rather look at the brochure pictures and plan on the disney surgical vacation. but the fine print has its place... and faith isn't worth much if it can't look at "what if"s in the eye. so... the reality is that there are some tricky aspects to this surgery... and some likely consequences that could be pretty sucky... and some pretty big ramifications if they can't get all or most of it this time around.

but since life is more of a farm than a cruise... and Jesus is more of a farmer than an activity director...

...that familiar smell in the air tells me it must be fertilizing time once again at the shafer homestead... and time to put on my boots for a while. speaking of that... did i ever mention that my mother-in-law went to school with a guy named "oman uhr"?

but all in all i'm thankful.

...thankful that i'm not doing this alone.

...thankful that i've learned a thing or two over the last year.

...thankful that physical health is only one form of wellness.

...thankful that this didn't happen a few months back when all i could see was the bottom of the trash can lid.

...thankful that i've been able to have some time back at westwinds.

...thankful that i once again enjoy foods & smells... except breaded fish and hand-sanitizer. (i actually shivered when i typed those words just now. how weird am i?!)

...thankful that it's warm enough to sit on the front porch again.

...thankful that G*D's love is like a starving bounty hunter... with a huge reward... and clear instructions to bring me in alive.

...thankful that "losing" is not in the kingdom playbook.