fogparty

almost legal...

beth had her citizenship test & interview on thursday.

yep... after living in the u.s. for 23+ years... paying taxes to uncle sam for the same length... and giving birth to 3 americans... she figured it was about time she had the opportunity to vote for the people who will lead the country she lives & works in. 

plus... the cost was about to go up.

of course this doesn't mean she'll stop being a full blooded canadian.  her heart will always pump maple syrup.

she was a little nervous about passing the test.  but in the end, it didn't turn out to be that hard.  she said she had oprah's grandma for her examiner.  (not really.  she just seems like the type.)  and as you would expect with my wife... they were best friends by the time the whole thing was over.

she'd been sweating remembering which were the original 13 colonies.  but they didn't end up asking that one.  she also was afraid she might get confused on which amendments address voting issues.  (do you know?)

i asked her what the hardest question was that they asked.  "who was the 35th president?"  hard, because it wasn't one of the 100 questions they gave her to study.  but she got it right anyway.

easiest question?  "what color are the stripes on the u.s. flag?" 

when "'oprah's grandma" asked her that one, beth leaned forward & whispered, "i can see two flags from where i'm sitting."  anyway... she got that one right too.  even though she kind of cheated.

she's actually not yet official.  that doesn't come until the swearing in ceremony... (emma commented that she didn't think we were supposed to swear.)  but we haven't heard the date on that one yet.  that's the date when she'll exchange her "green card" for her "i'm an a-murr-i-can" card.

so... when we find out the date... i'm anticipating a celebration!  so buy extra fireworks... keep your july 4th duds clean... and get ready to party at the shafer's.

we'll let you know.

who knows... maybe a presidential candidate will drop in to scoop up the new voter!

contemplating the why of luke 4...

there will not be a test to see which of you reads my blog... or the longer posts.  (and this is a long one!)  like i've said before... these are more my own journal thoughts than anything else.

in my "sketching Jesus" post... which was a continuation of my "luke four-ensics" post... i doodled my reflections from luke chapter four where luke billboards our eyes to a Jesus who is exploding into his full identity.  at least that's what i think is one of the big things going on in the text.  of course, you might have concluded long ago that i've got way too much time on my hands these days.

why is it valuable for us to grasp that Jesus grew into and ultimately chose his destiny?

well... to ice what some of my friends have suggested... i think watching The GODman develop on the canvas through the stories of scripture is important on several layers.  partly because it helps us understand that Jesus truly does know what it feels like to be us... to chug the struggle of life.

luke's chapter four vignette tempts us to recognize that our fight, like Jesus', is the fight for LIFE built into the process of everyday growth.  to embrace Jesus' formation taunts us to think carefully about our own... to consider our potential... to discard who we've thought we were or have been told we are or even have become convinced we are... and choose to embrace who we were created to be.  it calls us to deny ourselves... and read the script G*D is handing us for the play that is about to begin.  it woos us to sense that the curtain is rising... and to embrace our supporting roles in healing the world.  it tempts us to live in the kingdom of G*D when everything around us shouts that we are serfs in a kingdom of another kind.

reading luke 4 and the stories that encase it, i can't help but contemplate what he might have experienced as he grew... as he entered the boxing ring each day.

how fascinating to consider that Jesus traveled the same paths as you and i... discovering what he was good at, and not so good at... feeling the nudges that gently shoved him toward bigger roles... and to eventually opening the invitation to headline in the biggest story of all time.

i contemplate a pre-teen Jesus... becoming more & more sensitive to the inertia & stench of lives rotting from years of disconnection from The Giver of LIFE...wondering how he might help to reverse it all.

i'm dazed at the thought of a pubescent Jesus... juggling all the new developments in his brain & body while sniffing the reality that he's different somehow from all the other guys.

did he lie awake at night... sometimes afraid... sometimes restless with ideas to address the discord, bigotry & hatred that seemed to engulf his little community?  did he wrestle at times... wanting simply to settle down in a nice carpentry job, find a little house and raise a family in the suburbs of Nazareth... arguing that he wasn't cut out to save the world?  did the immense depravity that surrounded him ever cause him to lose hope and fear that the grip of humanity was too strong to be loosened?

did he struggle over the absurdity that oozed from the common stupidity of mankind?  or was there a smile ever errupting beneath his joy soaked skin... saturated with the awareness of his D*D's fingerprints that covered everything & everyone he encountered?

did he wince at the cruelty of nature that seemed to pounce upon the unsuspecting, like a giant whip, lashing cataclysmic despair and agony?

and how did his love for G*D grow?  was it always strong... or did it feel like a distant memory that surprised his heart when he walked the beach in the early sunlight on his way for a little fishing?  did his own mind fight the questions of eternity... and struggle for words to offer his cynical friends as they sat in synagogue and mocked the stories of samson, joseph, noah & gideon?

how did he connect the dots that led him to full awareness of his identity?  is it conceivable that Jesus spent weeks, maybe years putting pieces together that subtly pointed to clues deeply embedded in his heart that overtime matched the scriptures read to him as a child?

scenarios i'll never know the answers to... but ones that help me to appreciate a developing Jesus.

speaking from my own life sketches... on a very different level than his... every one of those nudges, hints & clues has felt like a fork in the road experience.  and i can't imagine it feeling any differently for him.

as Jesus' life modeled for us, these questions always cohabit with door handles... and vice versa.  one always leading to the other.  the other always leading to the one.  a long hard journey taken one step at a time, with each step possessing the potential to be the first and the last.

why is it important for us to see Jesus as fully man and not just G*D shrouded with an earth-suit?

his human journey informs my journey.

even now... as i face yet another round of treatment and some major changes... i'm hit with the prospect that i must re-invent myself for this next phase of life.  the trickster tempts me to turn inward... to rest from the dance... to stare at the clock striking midnight.  at times his words are so very enticing.

like an aging dancer... or painter losing his eyesight, the parts i've played so comfortably don't seem to be magically appearing before my feet as they've done so many times before.  and our culture's infatuation with youthfulness only makes the hill ahead appear steeper.

there's much to slow me down... lies that tempt me to surrender to a lesser call and ignore any recognition that this time & place is just as good and valid as any other point in my history.

what could i do that could compare with what i've done?  a foolish question to be sure.

in my saner moments, i realize that it's less about me figuring it all out, as much as it is about me reading the many signals he's freshly stamping upon my life... listening for that familiar Voice... pushing aside distractions of pride, slothfulness, lust, envy, self-preservation... and then stepping up to the plate.

for me... that's what these weeks are about more than "treatment" or even "surviving" another round in the ring...

...more than "renovation", "recalibration" or "rebirth".  more than getting back to something...

...they're about being with Someone.

 

in reality... that's what they've always been about.

 

listening... humbling myself... so that i can become whomever he wants me to be right now... this very moment... whether there are more moments to come or not.  "now" is all that matters in the kingdom of LIFE.

these days aren't about finding the role.  they are about following cues from The Director.

they're about transition to something new.

they're about birth.

they're not about a remake or revision of an earlier role... a re-made me.

they're about becoming someone new.

the questions satan asked Jesus in the wilderness were not just his questions.  they hint at the same questions that tempt us all at those fork-in-the-road times in our lives.  and luke wanted us to be assured that Jesus knows what they feel like.  he understands how they play in our minds.

and that we don't have to be alone in it all.  Immanuel is still with us.  here to guide... direct... comfort... cuddle... encourage... challenge... and forgive.

that is, if we let him.

if i let him.

1 down and 32 to go...

i had my first radiation treatment today.

it really wasn't any big deal.

you lay on a table and the big machine buzzes... and you're done.

piece of cake.  but then again... it was only my first day.

they say side effects should be minimal.

if you're the praying kind.. i'll be there every morning at 8:10 (e.s.t.).  weekends off.

that wasn't who i am...

joe & i were talking the other morning about some guy who wrote a book, then later regretted writing it because he no longer believed what he'd written.

ouch!  it's a risky thing to etch your thoughts into concrete.

but then we got to thinking.  are we really that different from that guy?  don't we all to some degree or another look back at what we've thought or said or done with a certain level of horror?

so... with that in mind... our conversation carried us to wondering how things would be so much different if we wrote... or performed... or spoke... or lived (or read, watched & listened) factoring in that reality.  we dreamt together about how formational environments would change, if we became teachers & students with different expectations... with an altered awareness.

i mean.  usually when you write or deliver a message, you attempt to get everything right.  you want people to walk away convinced that what you put out to them was top stuff... on the mark.  of course, you acknowledge that you don't know everything about everything... but still you try to be fresh & thorough with your conclusions and hope that you've gotten most things right.

but one delusion of the modern era seems to have resulted in a christian culture that expects its preachers and teachers and writers and scholars to get everything right.  we expect to hear 'the' correct take on that verse or passage.  we want to hear 'the' authoritative conclusion about the scriptures.  after all... aren't we paying them to get it right?  and if we don't like or agree with what we hear... we simply drive across town to sit at the feet of someone who thinks like we do... ...or we start a new church. 

we end up creating gatherings of agreement... rather than communities of engagement and transformation.

unfortunately, many ministers have caved to the pressure.  (myself included, way too often)

but like that guy joe & i were talking about... the reality is that even though hindsight may not be exactly 20/20, still it tends to at least to see things differently... and usually more sharply.  age, experience, & the wisdom of community all season our understandings.  that doesn't necessarily mean our earlier conclusions were completely inaccurate.  but at the very least, it means our thoughts were truncated at the time we chose to express them. 

for awhile at northwoods & again at westwinds, i hung one of my favorite c.s. lewis/chronicles of narnia (prince caspian) quotes on the door of my office.  (the movie misquotes it, by the way)  i did it to remind myself that i will ever be in process... because that's just too easy for me to forget.  the quote is taken from the part of the book when lucy comments to aslan that he's grown bigger since she last saw him. but aslan corrects her and says, "i have not.  but every year you grow, you will find me bigger."

fascinating.

so... what if we embraced that reality?

what if i wrote & spoke & taught (especially about G*D) with a more conscious awareness that even with my most diligent research & prayer... my conclusions would ever be marred... or more accurately, developing?

and what if when i read a book, or listened to a message, or experienced a play... instead of watching with right/wrong, good/bad glasses over my eyes... what if i gave space in my thinking for the 'before & after' journey of the actor, writer, or teacher? 

and what if i grabbed hold of the reality of my own journey as well?  ...ever acknowledging that whatever i am experiencing at the time is interestingly contributing somehow to my ever unfinished finish?

wouldn't we find ourselves dialoguing rather than marking our scorecards?  wouldn't teachers encourage their listeners to think thoughts that beg for clarification... and promote development rather than create an educational system that gives "a"s to students who regurgitate their professor's conclusions?

synagogue life often was about dialogue & debate.  the thought of being right was secondary to the process of communally engaging the collision of life & the scriptures for the purpose of personal and consensual transformation.

when's the last time you were part of a church that intentionally created space for hatching & "adolesc-ing" followers to stimulate their growth plates by questioning the ramblings of the resident theologian?  when's the last time you heard of a university professor who graded her students based upon their vigorous interaction with the ideologies of the tenured lecturer?  when's the last time you attended a play and were invited to stick around afterwards for a discussion that encouraged the intersection of the audience's multi-layered responses with the various actor's interpretations of their roles?

it's what most teachers, writers, actors, musicians, painters, & speakers ultimately hope for, no doubt... ...to trigger the disorientation... ...to goad the tapestry.  but how seldom do we create space for it to flourish?

is it because we have lost the skill of dialogue?  or are we just too busy?  have we become so arrogant that we truly think our conclusions are that infallible?  are we fearful that someone less-experienced or poorly-trained may shed some light that exposes our humanity?  have we forgotten how to delight in the wonder of serendipitous transformation?  have we become fearful of the rejection of those who expect us to have it all figured out?  have we so personalized our thoughts that they have become more god to us than the G*D who through them we squint to see?

i fear that too many of our sunday services have become seminars that unconsciously exalt professionals who tell us what to think or do... or worse yet, just keep us coming back.  and in the process... we stop thinking... and the value of relationship is diminished.  and we do it all in the name of giftedness.  "he has 'the gift' and i don't"... forgetting that lecture is simply one wrench in the community's toolbox of edification.

but in spite of the reality that many have a much higher i.q. than i... i'm thankful that "influence" is not relegated to the experts... at least not in G*D's economy.  rather, it's an important part of the imago dei-ness that G*D bestows on us all. 

the one thing that we all do is influence... whether by our interaction or by our silence & absence.

so... what have you been thinking lately?  and who are you thinking it with?  and how are your interactions influencing what you think?  and how are you creating better thinkers in those with whom you connect?  and who are you avoiding and how is that vacuum diminishing your formation?  and what are you afraid to say?

love isn't having to be right.  love learns to show respect to a person and their journey toward conclusions, while at times challenging those conclusions.  love honors the transmogrification process in us all... and humbly admits there may be many factors that will influence our current position.

one, of which, may be the next person who crosses your path today.  or maybe you'll be their's.  or you might be that for each other.

how many "kaleisions" (a kaleidoscopic collision) will you experience today?  i guess the answer is really up to each of us individually.

and when we invite G*D into each moment... doesn't it all become one big kaleision anyway?

tatt-le tale...

i headed down for my "simulation" yesterday.

probably the normal stuff for people preparing for radiation.  just new to me.  everything went smoothly and they said my incision is healing nicely... so i'm good to go.

i was a little surprised though.  in order for them to keep a reference point for targeting the exact area to radiate... they tattooed me!

and... i'm a little disappointed, to be honest.

i mean.  i always thought my first tattoo would be something memorable... like "mom" or some cool picture of... ...something cool.

instead... i get 3 tiny dots... like freckles.

what am i supposed to do with that?

they're not close enough to make an image of a bowling ball once treatment's over or anything.  they're even too far apart to form some grand constellation.

just little black dots that my grandkids will probably notice sometime when i've fallen asleep at the beach.  "hey, granny beth!  what are these black dots on grandpapa?"

oh well.  i've got six & a half weeks of radiation before they become totally meaningless.

my friend "tim" once asked what the 3 littles dots mean that i use frequently when i post to my blog.  you know those "..." things i substitute for commas from time to time?

anyway... no one had ever asked me that question before... so i told him they represent the trinity (because it just came out of my mouth... and you know how super spiritual i am all the time.)

anyway...

maybe i'll just tell my grandkids they represent the trinity.

no... that's dumb.

i mean... tim may fall for it... but my grandkids will be much too smart for that.

radiation starts wednesday of next week.  i guess i know what i'll be thinking about during treatment.

sketching Jesus...

a while back i posted some "part one" thoughts from luke 4... the temptation of Jesus.  i had more in my mind at the time, but wasn't ready to spill it yet.  but often when i let scripture marinate, G*D has a way of placing the important stuff back on the front burner at just the right time.

anyway... in my "luke four-ensics" post, i focused on the thought that we rarely contemplate how much the humanness of Jesus affected him.  i'd like to take that thought one step further.  in fact, i think this passage invites us to flirt with the idea that just maybe Jesus had a hefty journey before he could slip into his "last-3-years-of-life" role as The Son of G*D.

i don't think i'm committing heresy when i suggest that Jesus wasn't born completely understanding his unique part in the bigger story.  nor do i think he just woke-up one day and realized he was different from everyone else in history.  we all grow into our roles, don't we?  even princes born into royalty must decide whether or not they will choose to live as royalty and embrace the responsibilities of the throne.  do we really think Jesus had any less of a journey toward grasping the true nature of all that G*D was calling him to be & do?

Jesus' story from beginning to the very end... (as in the garden before his crucifixion... and even on the cross itself)... was laced with choices that reguired him to decide whether or not he would follow G*D & his path or take the much easier route.  his GODness didn't negate that his man-ness had to choose.

we don't really have adequate ways of speaking about all this, of course.  the mystery of how someone can be fully G*D and at the same time fully man is forever beyond our comprehension.  but shouldn't that encourage us to gingerly consider the practicalities of the inconceivable?  (which is what i believe luke is inviting us to do.)

i'm thinking that much of what really is going on in the desert temptation account is the story of what happened as Jesus fully embraced his imago dei-ness and his GODness... his unique leading role as manGOD... the natural result of which was to be tested in that decision by the ultimate test-expert who hoped beyond hope to subvert the plan.

so... plug that reality into luke 4... and reconsider the devil's enticement... and see if it doesn't make it more powerful.

1.  "if you are the Son of G*D, tell this stone to become bread."
2.  "if you worship me, it will all be yours."
3.  "if you are the Son of G*D, throw yourself down from here."

how are these questions such big temptations unless they tug at the very core of Jesus' consciousness?  ...surely not simply because Jesus was starving for food, making satan's words somehow more threatening... as i was always taught to understand them.  it can only be because the devil was truly trying to get Jesus to either reject or abuse his divinity and divert him from any plan he might have to redeem creation.

still not convinced?

then consider luke's unique bookends to this temptation story.

on the left is Jesus' baptism story.  ever notice that in luke's version, he records G*D's post-baptism words as if they are addressed to Jesus?  "you are my Son, whom i love; with you i am well pleased."  not "this is my Son." why is luke the only version to record it this way?  and what would be the purpose of G*D saying this to Jesus unless he somehow needed to hear it?  if it was for the benefit of those watching, then "this" would have been more appropriate.

plus... isn't it fascinating that what luke writes next is a genealogy of Jesus' adopted human lineage through joseph.  (whose blood didn't even flow through Jesus' veins!)  why would he do that?  could he be pointing us to consider something?  i find it fascinating that the geneology begins with the words "he was the son, so it was thought, of joseph," and ends with "the son of adam, the son of G*D".  was luke chuckling with cleverness as he penned those words?  at the very least they remind us that even though Jesus wasn't just a man, he spent his first 30 years as one.

on the right of the temptation account... is the story of Jesus heading to his hometown and facing the comments & criticism from the very people who watched him grow up.  people who for three decades had considered him only to be "the son of joseph".  from my perspective... this is just as huge of a temptation as the one in the desert!  to stand in front of relatives and teachers and the community and come out as someone different/more than they've known you to be for years upon years?... a man from G*D at the very least?... the prophesied messiah?

tough stuff.

and did you ever notice that luke mentions twice that Jesus grew... once "in strength" and once "in wisdom and stature and in favor with G*D and men."?  luke is the only one who gives us the insight of a developing Jesus... a concept that is typically uncomfortable for christians.

so... why is all this important?

i've got my ideas.  but i'd love to hear anyone's thoughts before i do all the thinking for you. 

i don't usually write posts for the purpose of interacting with people... which is why i rarely respond to "comments".  but if you've got some ideas or would simply like to tell me i'm whacked... post a comment below... or send your thoughts in an email to [email protected] .  either way... i promise i'll respond.

isn't this about plan 'q'?

so... i've just been sitting around healing.  not doing much else.  trying to avoid those "you're over doing it" glares from beth.

stitches came out last week.  they'd told me to be moving my arm as much as possible before they came out so that i could go easy on the incision once the stitches were gone.  they don't want it opening up and running the risk of being forced to wait longer for radiation to start.  dr. sabel was pleased with the outcome and glad to see he hadn't damaged any significant nerves.  (not as glad as i was!)

tuesday i head to the lymphedema clinic for some preventative training.  i'm looking forward to that.  i have very slight swelling in my right arm, but at times it's a bit uncomfortable.  nothing i can't easily handle though, so i'm not complaining.  however... no sense in it getting worse if there are some little exercises i can be doing to help.

then wednesday i finally have my appointment with radiation oncology so they can do their prep ct thingy.  they say that treatment begins about a week later. 

it will be nice to have a plan in motion... and to be working the plan.

this whole thing is going so differently than i anticipated when i started my medical leave.  i thought i'd be having only 2 weeks of radiation and then jumping into the really yukky stuff with the high-dose il-2.  but now that radiation has been extended to 6.5 weeks... my doc is holding his cards a little more closely about what we'll do after radiation. 

i guess he's not really hiding anything though.  he just wants to see where we land before he makes a call.  and that's one of the things i like about him.  he doesn't go by the book.  he thinks every step through carefully.

since good ol' dad's feeling so well, the kids are begging for our usual "minute-after-midnight" showing for the next "gotta-see-together-before-anyone-else-does" movie to come out later this week... narnia - prince caspian.

hope it's good.

ian's prom...

i'm not sure if life is slowing down or speeding up.

either way you look at it... this was a crazy weekend.

ian's senior prom was saturday night... and his romantic side came out strong.

flowers at kelsey's home when she woke up... flowers at the hair-dressers... flowers when he picked her up in the hummer. (thanks brandon!)

he's a good guy.

graduation is in 2 weeks.  open house in 3.

maybe life will slow down in june.

maybe not.

(as always... click on any image to see it larger)

photo op...

since i'm an equal opportunity photografather... and since both musicals have had their final performances... i thought i'd seize the jpegs.

which means...

...you'll find more pictures of "state fair" on the sidebar.

...and just below you'll find the short youtube video i took with my "flip" on opening night of "babes in arms"  (directed by greg ganakas & choreographed by randy skinner).   it shows a few clips from various scenes that jenn was in.

...and finally... here's a random collection of movie clips from ian & emma in "state fair".

the interesting thing about the collision of these two musicals with my midwest past is how they both remind me of a bit of my personal history.  no... i wasn't around when they were first written.  but i did spend a "fair" amount of time each year at the county 4-h fair.  mostly in the barn playing cards with my friends & cousins between groomings for their prize-hopeful, four-legged, soon-to-be-butchered-and-bring-them-lots-of-money friends. 

i think i only remember heading to indy for the state fair once though.  probably because those purple "grand champion" ribbons never seemed to find their way to any of my boards displaying my brownie hawkeye black & whites, instamatic color prints... or variety of fish or fowl on the list for my wild-life project that year. (i won the "instamatic with the cool flashcubes by selling magazines to all my relatives!)

 

lots of good memories.

and... strangely enough... those county fair experiences encouraged some good stuff that to this day add special seasoning to my life.

so... even though some might look at these musicals as reminders of a hokey-pokey time in america's history... sure, i can laugh at the good old days... and sure, all of them weren't that good.  but... i often find myself wishing my kids had a bit more of those hometown experiences to season their lives as well.

so... maybe my pictures will help my kids some day remember a bit of my history... woven into a bit of their own.

fascinating reading...

in prep for my initial radiation oncology appointment today... they asked for a list of all the dates & docs for my various surgeries, including biopsies.  we could reconstruct the surgery list pretty easily... but the biopsy one wasn't something we'd been tracking.

from time to time we've asked docs for copies of different reports that have been produced concerning emma or myself... mostly pathology.  they've always been very cooperative.  so... asking them to print out the dates of all my proceedures was no biggie.

but in the process, i decided to ask for something i've never asked for before.  that being... operative notes. 

i figured the worst they could do was laugh loudly...  or nervously...  and say "no."

but as has become standard fare at u of m... they just said "sure.  no problem."

so... while beth drove us home from a recent appointment, i enjoyed wading through the medical jargon to envision a bit about what went on between intubation and sponge counts.

hearing about how they slice and dice... identify nerves... verify which nerve is which by making me do various circus tricks... blah, blah, blah... was all intriguing to me for some reason... even reassuring in some strange way.

i was a bit disappointed, though, to find out they don't include the jokes the surgeons told... the embarrassing questions they asked me under anesthesia... or the music in the cd player while the scapel glided through my latissimus dorsi.

the latest surgery notes weren't ready yet.  but i'll ask for them tomorrow when i return to say good-bye to my drain-buddy.

odd. 

it's like i'm waiting for the next book in a series.  (obviously i don't read many serial books!)

i'm curious though.  a day or two after we were home from surgery... i noticed this huge patch of shaved skin on my right thigh.  our amazing nurse practicioner, roxanne, verified they were preparing to do a skin graph because they were concerned they wouldn't have enough skin left in my armpit to close the wound and keep it closed until it healed... or that if they did, it would be so tight i'd never be able to raise my arm high enough to pick my nose.  (a tragic thought indeed!) 

but... evidently they made it work some how.  i'm glad no one reminded them i'd still have a good left hand.  but who picks their nose with their left hand?  that's just weird.

anyway... so, no graph.

i wonder.

when you move skin from your thigh to your armpit... does it naturally grow armpit hair?  or would i need therapy?  would i still need to use deodorant?  and if i wanted to strengthen that arm, could i use a thigh-master?

hmmm...

maybe it will all be in the notes.

can't wait.