fogparty

hey... give back my scalp...

i tried to keep it a secret from them... but just couldn't do it.

coldplay was starting a new tour... detroit was one of the first 3 cities on the tour... and i was thinking about taking my 3 fabulous mini-me's. 

they know coldplay's one of my favorite bands.  and since they love them too... i thought it might be one of those rare opportunities for me to do something cool with all my kids without them being embarrassed to have old dad around.  i shot the idea across the bow... and when mutiny didn't erupt, i started looking online for tickets. 

yikes! 

then i began back-peddling a bit... debating whether or not i wanted to spend that kind of money for a memorable family evening together.  so i had one of those sensible dad ideas that risked the dreaded eye-roll...  and shot a second idea across the bow.  "would you guys be willing to go halvsies with me on the tickets?"  much to my surprise, they agreed. 

i love having kids with jobs!

then the band decided they weren't quite ready and pushed their tour start date back... bumped detroit and 2 other cities... and rescheduled for november...  ...which actually may have helped our cause because most of the good seats were already gone.  could it be possible that some of the people with good july tickets wouldn't be able to make the november date?

we agreed that the nosebleed section wasn't where we wanted to put our money... but even if there were floor seats available... sensible dad didn't want to pay an arm & a leg even if he was only springing for half the ticket.  so that put us hunting for seats in the lower ring.  but even there, the available seats were still pricey... and at the opposite end from the stage... in the corner.  bummer.

oh well.  we convinced ourselves that they would be fine.

beth sometimes calls me "randy no stone unturned shafer" because i don't give up easily.  it's that perfectionist thing that too often bites me in the butt.  anyway... just before pressing the purchase button, i decided to do a bit more hunting.

the next few days were an education.  i found better seats alright... and at a price that seemed like they just might be worth the extra bills.  that is, until i discovered the delivery charges and broker fees.  ouch!  no thanks!  so back to the lower ring corner.  of course by this time, the seats had been moving higher row by row.

but just before pressing that purchase button at ticketmaster a second time... i noticed the "auction" tab. 

hmmm.  what's that? 

there were a few seats available in great sections, but kind of like priceline... it was a risk.  they told you the general area, but the exact section, row & seat was hidden.  plus since i'd be low-balling, someone might outbid me easily... and it might be too late to get the other available safe seats and we'd be stuck with even worse ones by the end of the auction.

but i took the risk... placed my bid... felt a little guilty about asking G*D to help me end up with good seats no matter what... and proceeded to wait.

i kept checking the auction for the next day or two... waiting for it to end... expecting someone to jump in at the last minute and outbid me.  but no one did.  whatever tickets i was winning... they were going to be mine.

then the email came.

floor... center section... 14 rows from the stage.

can't say anything but, "thanks G*D" and... "waaaa hooo!!!"

anyone know where i can get a good deal on earplugs?

just thinking...

haven't felt like blogging much.

i've got lots of content... but some of it just seems boring to me... or unbloggable because it's thoughts a little too raw & personal.

yea... i'm probably a little depressed.  my moods go up and down a lot.

i'm guessing it's just transitional stuff flying off the fan... learning how to think post-pastor thoughts and still be fully me.

jenn and i are going to start an 8-week study for college students on being with Jesus in an ordinary day.  i'm thinking it may be more for me than anyone else.  we start this sunday evening.

i end radiation on july 2.

considering stopping the blog thing for a while.  (no comments please... i already know some really enjoy it and find it meaningful.)

just finding my way.

father's sway...

we headed up to holt for church on father's day.  westwinds was collecting an offering to help offset the part of the budget they've dedicated to help our family over the next couple of years.  so... even though it is an awesome thing they are doing... it felt a bit awkward for us to be there.  so we thought we'd visit riverview.

noel, one of the lead pastors there, is a good friend.  "good" meaning, we rarely spend time together, but when we do... we have unusual chemistry.  jenn attends riverview when she's at msu... and misses it.  anyway... it just happened that we showed up on their first sunday in their new auditorium.

my kids asked if i have trouble leaving my "analysis hat" in the car when we visit other churches.  yeah... it's hard.  but i try to appreciate and watch the movement of G*D even when it's pressed out of the playdough fun factory into a different shape than i'm used to enjoying.  their new digs (do people still use that word?) are purposely stripped down to allow for greater versatility.  but i especially loved the floor to ceiling projection wall... and the grassy knoll risers in the back...  and the lobby space made me drool.  lot's of potential everywhere.

of course, everyone knows aesthetics will only hold people for so long.  but at riverview... noel & dan did a great job.  and all i can say is that if it were closer... my kids would be there every sunday.  it's kind of like willow creek with bare feet.  the feel was some place between the mega-church maxwellosphere of northwoods and the boutique of intellectually stimulating & trendeliciously metaphoric randomness of westwinds... which put me in a weird place, to be honest.  nothing bad... just weird.  the issues are complex... but the experience egged on an internal debate i've recently resumed regarding the needed shifts in the american church.

one of my desires as a pastor has been to help the church break it's addiction to simplistic thinking / the-next-cool-thing / commercialism / & one-size-fits-all kick butt programming... in hopes of freeing us to embrace the raw joy & responsibility of following Jesus in the grubbiness of redemption.  don't misunderstand me.  i'm not saying those things are inherently wrong.  but several times i've thought about writing a book on weaning the church off of itself.  anyway... a ton of things bounced madly inside my head during the service... which, by the way, i still thoroughly appreciated and was sincerely influenced by.  my guess is that i would have wrestled with these other things wherever we had gone to worship that day.

and now... a few days out, i'm still wrestling...  ...not only with the reality that my kids would rather be at riverview, but with the cold truth that somehow i may have missed my chance at cracking the nut.

at the same time... i'm struck with a looming sense that the gun barrel has one more shot left in it somehow (for good or for bad)... and that rather than being side-lined... it's more like i'm being rescued.

i guess time will tell.

a night to remember...

the midwest has a tradition of celebrating high school graduations with open houses... so this time of year we spend a lot of our time hopping from yard to yard.  if you get an "open house invitation", there's this unwritten expectation that you should pony up with a gift... usually money.  in turn... you get to stuff your cheeks with food at the grad's home... attempting to at least re-coop a bit of the gift's expense by feeding your family.

it's a no win situation.

in my day... "food" at open houses simply meant "cake made by marjorie fiock & hawaiian punch mixed with seven-up."

today... it means a light meal... followed by the eternal hope of discovering the graduation cake that actually tastes as good as mrs. fiock's.  after 6 attempts this year so far... i've only added yet another notch to my trusty cake fork... as well as to my belt.

we rented a tent, tables, chairs... decked the place out... enslaved some of our best friends to chop endless amounts of veggies and fruit, cook egg rolls & meatballs... brought in the roly-polys... and rigged up a slushy machine.

there's no way we could have done it without some very kind and wonderful people... not to mention our own kids who were forced into slave labor for the last few weeks.

a neighbor offered his small group (from another church) to come over and finish staining our deck.  a huge help.  a friend from ww came over to clean the house... then noticed the bags of mulch by the driveway.  the next thing i knew, tom & don were spreading wood chips and making our flower beds look fresh.  then there were the people who went grocery shopping... and the people who kept stuff for us in their freezers... and the people who lent us coolers & crockpots.  our friends from taylor rental (where ian's working this summer) made good on their offer to deliver everything and set up the tent.  a couple other friends brought kindling & firewood for the bonfire.

then beth's torontonian sis & b.i.l. showed up with a niece in tow to jump into the flurry... and brought tremendous assistance to our last day scramblings... and to the unanticipated chaos (more on that in another post!).

then my floridian brother arrived unexpectedy... and early, psychically anticipating we might need an extra hand...  just in time to help us shift extra junk from our garage to the neighbor's while sean did a quick re-organization of our shed to make even more room for unsightly objects... all so that we could serve the food in the garage instead of on the back deck, because a tornado watch was going into effect!

but when 6 o'clock rolled around... all was as it should be.  the rain held off for awhile... and when it did show up, it didn't stay long.  the wind cooled everything down a bit.  and all in all, people had a nice time.

the food was great.  the cake was fantastic (almost as good as mrs. fiock's!  but not quite.)  the place looked wonderful.  and most importantly... the slushy machine was a big hit.

since ian's going into aviation, we had everyone sign a big airplane that he'll hang in his room next to an entertaining charicature of him sent from some cleveland friends.

of course... the best part of it all was reading cards some had sent and seeing people arrive who have poured into our son's life over the years... adding their own special lego piece to who he is today... and personally laying asphalt for his runway so that he has plently of room to take off and soar into the wild blue yonder.

wow.  i think i've been reading too many hallmark graduation cards.

Lord... thank you for the friends and family who have supported and prayed for our son all these years.  bless them for their thoughtfulness & generosity & love.  they've each been a gift to build into his character... and helped to fill his memory with jewels that will seep joy & wisdom for many years to come.

dream hag...

joe joe and i got onto the subject of dreams the other day.  he's been exploring the meaning behind some of his of late.  a few people have recommended a sort of dream legend that they use to help make sense of the weirdness.  in that... "this" in a dream tends to mean "that"... and "that" tends to mean "this".

when joseph (youngest son of jacob - a.k.a. genesis 37) had his fascinating boyhood dreams, we don't really know how much he understood them at the time.  his siblings figured they were yet another indication that baby brother thought he was better than them all.  regardless... it was years before meaning fell fully into place for any of them.  and interestingly... scripture gives no indication that those dreams brought little joe much comfort in the middle of his egyptian enslavement & imprisonment. 

more than his own dreams... joseph became known for his ability to make sense of the dreams of others.  dreams that were much more literal than the ones i hear most people trying to interpret today.  still... joseph credits G*D with the interpretation more than his own logic.

so... it seems to me that at the very least we should spend more time talking with G*D about our dreams than attempting to figure them out on our own.

beth regularly has dreams, but usually she doesn't remember them.  we'll be sleeping away and all of a sudden she starts talking... or worse!  there's the famous ground beef dream... the leaky water softener dream... the kid on the bike dream... the toenail dream.

i could go on.

the other night, just after i turned out the light from coming to bed late... she rolled over and said, "are you okay?"  "yes", i responded.  to which she said "what's going on with your hair?" 

being billiard ball bald... and the unusually sensitive hubby that i am, i said, "it's gone!" 

i'm not sure if my tone stirred her into a less vulnerable level of sleep... or if my answer satisfied her subconscious curiosity.  either way... she plopped her head back onto the pillow as if to say, "i think i just made a fool of myself... and i'm not speaking to you ever again."  she didn't remember anything the next morning.

i seldom remember my dreams.  not sure why.  but last week i had one that was less forgettable... mostly because it was a replay of a dream i'd had weeks before.

i was standing outside a large building (i think it was a hospital) talking with a woman i'd never met before.  she wasn't the type i'd spontaneously strike up a conversation with.  she was disheveled... greasy hair... deeply wrinkled face... gray tone to her skin... the kind who tempts you to hold your breath when you walk past.  a positive personality would classify her grin as "half-toothed".

in the original dream, she approached me to ask how i was doing...  and i cordially responded with a list of ailments accurately depicting my health woes... yet without exaggeration.  she countered with a sad story about her child who was stricken with something or other.  i don't remember what... and it doesn't really matter.  the point was (or so it seemed in the dream) that this little dream bag lady's story "upped" mine infinitely.  i wasn't offended, but i found myself speechless as to how to respond to her misery.

the "re-run" version felt deja' vu-ish at first.  i was outside the same building... and my eyes met the same woman.  but it was like we were meeting for the first time... getting a second chance, of sorts.  i immediately anticipated our conversation and the story she'd tell.  so i led with my rook, and invited her to "go first" in our tale-of-sorrow match.  but the story she painted was not the same as in my original dream.  it was horribly worse.  and she did not counter to invite me to use my brushes on her canvas...  nor did i care to.  i threw my arms around her and we hugged for what seemed a wonderful forever.  end of dream. 

then someplace between conscious sleep and unconscious sleep... these words lodged in my mind.

"For where two or three have gathered together in My name, I am there in their midst."  (matthew 18:20)

the context of the verse doesn't seem to directly apply.  i would have much more anticipated matthew 25:40  ('i tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.').  but i find it fascinating that instead, this particular verse came to bring context to my dream.

mother teresa used to say that she would see the face of Jesus in every person to whom she ministered.  now we know from her journal that she struggled to feel G*D in times of prayer & meditation... and that seeing his face in the less fortunate was a huge part of why she did what she did.  in reality she was admitting that she did it for herself as much as she did it for them... or even for him.  that's comforting to know.

i can't say that i saw Jesus in the face of the bag lady in my dreams... but it was obvious that Jesus was there, inhabiting our hug... which is strangely how i believe my dream connects with this verse.

in reality... whenever i give a moment of my day to the presence of Jesus... and then happen to "kaleid" with another person... the two of us gather in Jesus' name whether or not the other person knows it.  so... just like in my dream... Jesus shows up and does his Jesus thing.  it might come without words.  it might be completely unexpected.  but living with Jesus moment by moment creates LIFE moments... ...seconds when things are more like they were meant to be.

we don't have to orchestrate them.  they just happen when we're present to the reality that G*D is with us.

and when he is... he changes everything.

them.

me.

us.

sometimes i think we spend too much time dreaming while we're awake... and should spend more time sleep-walking in G*D's dreams.

i may not know what the next season holds for me.  but i do know that i long for more of those moments when somehow i get to inhale and offer the scent of Jesus to all of us who have become content with the smell of stench... if nothing else, making a difference one nostril at a time... watching the wonder of LIFE as he reshapes everything... watching the dreams of G*D become the reality of men.

not b.h.a.g.s (big hairy audacious goals) as jim collins proposes,

just following a b.h.a.G. (big honkin' amazing G*D).

okay... maybe i should have ended this post a few sentences earlier than i did.  sorry.

a walk to remember...

it's a beautiful night on the porch.  the air, cool.  there is little breeze, but the bugs are few... or they haven't discovered me yet.  the half moon glows behind clouds that from time to time allow patches of stars to see the earth below.

i just finished a walk through the neighborhood... silent except for the frogs, crickets and the occasional dog i managed to disrupt.

a good time to think... and talk with The One who understands more of this chapter than i do.

these last few days have been some of the loneliest i've experienced in a long time.  not because of a lack of friends or people who care.  but lonely because i feel so disoriented.

friday was ian's graduation open house.  and in spite of the weather... it was a great time.  then sunday i took a few minutes in fusion to let people know i would not be returning to the staff of westwinds.  i think the combination of the work for the party... the emotional stress of letting go of my ww role in a more permanent way... and the realization that my kids are growing up, and need me less and less... it's all just harpooned me a bit.  it's just not a good feeling.

letting go of things you love is hard.

and i'm sure that in a few days this will all be past me.  i'll have found some things to keep me busy... and i will have become weary of my own pity party.  but i'm not there yet.

tonight i wonder what the future holds on so many levels.

and yet... as i walked, and now still as i type... i feel a strange familiarity with this place.  not exactly comfortable.  but not completely uncomfortable either.

it feels like the late night walks i used to take at ball state as a brand new follower... or the walks along the beach in hollywood or on that last mile along a1a after working late at the mall... or up & down the streets carved into the florissant hills... or along rudisill boulevard... or just sitting on the balcony of my apartment along dundas overlooking the humber cloaked with blackness... or so many other times & places along the way.

a dark sky... a gentle breeze... a touch of coolness in the air... a silent world.

a time to engage my feelings.  a time to feel The Embrace.

so many times i've felt this feeling.  times when life was confusing.  times when the pain seemed unbearable.  times when i wondered how the pieces would ever fall together.

they always did.

he was always faithful.

sure... sometimes it took a while before i could see it.

and the lesson i learned over and over and over again was that it was better to wait than to walk into the night alone... that despair didn't help get me anyplace faster, nor did pestering G*D.  and most of all... that it was better for my eyes to rest on his face than to seek stability & comfort in my own wisdom.

it was on those nights that i learned to be still and know that i am not G*D... that he is more than enough... and that being near him is my utmost privilege, joy and responsibility.

there is much i've forgotten along the way.  much i need to learn again, as humbling as that may be.

Lord... teach me one more time.  forgive me for settling for the sparkle... for buying cotton candy when i was hungry... ...for i know there is no greater pleasure or nourishment than to swallow the sound of your laughter. 

and thank you for this place of confusion... for without it, i might convince myself that i actually know where i'm going.

it's time...

it's hard to believe that it's been 18 months since this cancer journey started.

i'm feeling well.  the radiation is going smoothly at this point.  just a little tenderness that will likely worsen in the coming weeks.  sometimes my arm aches, but i don't know if it's from surgery or radiation at this point.  time will tell, i guess.  thankfully it's not constant.

all in all... i'm good.  i was prepared to come out of the last operation with limited use of my arm.  so this is nothing.  thanks be to G*D.

dr. lao is saying that when the radiation is complete, we'll give it another month to cook... then do another scan before he determines if the high-dose il-2 regimen is the appropriate next step.

waiting on scans has become a regular part of our world.  it's hard to make plans past 3 months simply because we don't know what things will look like in 3 months.  that's not me being doom & gloom.  that's just me being realistic.

which is why i pushed a conversation with the elders about the need for the church to move on.  actually, it's something i brought up almost immediately after i was diagnosed, because i know this disease all too well, and wanted the church to be thinking ahead & prepared.  my reality is that even if this next scan is clear... the one after that may not be... or the one after that.  for at least the next 2 years, i'll always be just 3 months away from another scan that could send me back into treatment.  of course i'm hopeful that won't be how it plays out.  but our church community needs someone with a bigger vision that i can give right now... someone who can dig in and drive the movement that needs to happen.

over this journey, westwinds has been more wonderful, patient & generous than i could have ever asked... giving me time away... continuing my medical benefits... and even supplementing the disability policy that i purchased before i came to michigan.  they've made life so much easier than it could have been.

they've waited, prayed & hoped for my return... but a few months back when that 3 month scan indicated the cancer had returned yet again, i approached the elders and encouraged them to realize that it was time...

...time to move forward  ...time to think beyond "when randy gets back"s...  time to free dave & john from having to carry my load  ...time to release the church to get some things done in some much needed areas. 

let's face it... the reality is that i haven't been able to effectively do my job for a year and a half.

so monday night at "love shack" i announced that this medical leave of absence was taking a turn.

we don't have plans to move.  we'll still attend and be involved in the church we love... just in a different capacity and as energy permits.

thankfully beth's job is stable even in this michigan economy.  westwinds has an amazing medical plan; but her company has a good plan too... one that will pick us up and even enable us to stay with the same doctors.  we still smile whenever we remember she got this job just one week before i was diagnosed.

so obviously G*D.

on top of that... westwinds has committed to generously continue supplementing my disability for a good while to help ease the transition.

more than we could ever have asked.

sometimes i'll admit that i wonder what will happen in 6 months if things are going well and my doc says i can begin working again.  but... then i remember that my job as a follower of Jesus has always only ever been simply to obey the one thing G*D is asking me to do today... confident there will be new instructions waiting for me with the sunrise.  my job isn't to dwell in tomorrows, but to continue to allow him to transform me in each "now"... and to join him in offering that same healing to the world.

that might sound strange to hear someone with cancer say they want to bring healing to the world.  but... just because one area of my life remains sick doesn't mean he hasn't done amazing things in all the other areas.  and to focus on what he hasn't done seems to me like i'd be ignoring all he has done, is doing, and plans to do.

lord, forgive us for missing & devaluing your work just because it's not yet complete.

i guess that's somewhat the challenge of LIFE vs. life.  that is... to be able to see the beauty in spite of the dung we keep stepping in. 

when it comes down to it, we're all just beggars standing in the same line at the soup kitchen.  and when our portion doesn't quite remove all the hunger pains, or taste the way we'd like... rather than appreciate what we've just consumed, we grumble over not getting seconds while staring at the people waiting in line for their first helping.

lord... i don't want to miss an ounce of the goodness you desire for me to enjoy.  but at the same time, keep me from being greedy or demanding.  because it seems to me that any kind of gluttony is sin... maybe even more so when it comes to stuffing our faces with all you give us.

anyway... does all this transition feel weird?  of course it does.  i've been in christian ministry for almost 30 years.  how could it not?  but i'm sure that's another post or two someplace down the path.  the bottom line remains.

it's time.

and it's okay.

capt'n crunch parents...

early saturday, i picked up emma from another sleep-over.  seems like they are the weekend norm these days.  she tells me they actually sleep.  but i find that pretty hard to believe.

anyway... as we drove away from her friend's home, i noticed a weird morning smell coming from the blob sitting next to me, clutching its pillow.

"did you have popcorn this morning for breakfast?"

"no."  she replied.  "captain crunch."

"oh."

then came the haunting statement.

"i love spending the night at friends, because i get to eat cereal that you & mom won't allow in the house."

internally i argued, "hey!  we put those little boxes of cocoa puffs & sugar crisp in your stockings every christmas!"  but i knew she had a point.  it's not that we don't allow bad stuff in the house.  it's just that we like to steer the kids to healthier alternatives.

i remember when the kids were little... and a friend was watching them for the afternoon.  beth got a phone call asking, "we're just having a little afternoon snack over here... and jenn & ian are telling me they've never had oreo's before.  is that true?"  and when beth verified their statement, our friend said, "that's just un-american!"

anyway...

i said to emms in the car, "i guess you can be thankful that G*D gave you parents who care about you eating healthy...  ...and thankful that you have friends whose parents don't!"

she agreed.

then she said, "yeah, at least you're not as bad as sara's parents."  "whenever the ice cream truck came down their street, they told her it was just a music truck."

i think we both laughed the rest of the way home.

i guess i'm not such a bad parent after all.

a tassel free day...

well... in spite of all the goofs and blunders of parenting... ian graduated from western high school this afternoon.

i can't say i could be any prouder.  he's just one great son.

he's taken on a lot this year.  more than most seniors, i'd say.  he's learned a lot... worked hard... and kept smiling through it all.

i know it sounds cliche', but where did the time go?

when did my cuddly-buddly-boo turn into a man?

he's got so much ahead of him.  so much potential.  so many wonderful things to experience.  so much of G*D to discover.

Lord... as i've prayed for him so many times before...

...thanks for my son.  thanks for making him one of a kind.  thanks for adding so much to our lives through him.

grant him the ability to see you next to him along the way... and the strength to follow you no matter what those days hold. 

do great things in him... and through him. 

protect him from all evil and harm. 

and explode your work inside of him... so that the joy in your heart fills his... and spills into all he meets.