it's a beautiful night on the porch. the air, cool. there is little breeze, but the bugs are few... or they haven't discovered me yet. the half moon glows behind clouds that from time to time allow patches of stars to see the earth below.
i just finished a walk through the neighborhood... silent except for the frogs, crickets and the occasional dog i managed to disrupt.
a good time to think... and talk with The One who understands more of this chapter than i do.
these last few days have been some of the loneliest i've experienced in a long time. not because of a lack of friends or people who care. but lonely because i feel so disoriented.
friday was ian's graduation open house. and in spite of the weather... it was a great time. then sunday i took a few minutes in fusion to let people know i would not be returning to the staff of westwinds. i think the combination of the work for the party... the emotional stress of letting go of my ww role in a more permanent way... and the realization that my kids are growing up, and need me less and less... it's all just harpooned me a bit. it's just not a good feeling.
letting go of things you love is hard.
and i'm sure that in a few days this will all be past me. i'll have found some things to keep me busy... and i will have become weary of my own pity party. but i'm not there yet.
tonight i wonder what the future holds on so many levels.
and yet... as i walked, and now still as i type... i feel a strange familiarity with this place. not exactly comfortable. but not completely uncomfortable either.
it feels like the late night walks i used to take at ball state as a brand new follower... or the walks along the beach in hollywood or on that last mile along a1a after working late at the mall... or up & down the streets carved into the florissant hills... or along rudisill boulevard... or just sitting on the balcony of my apartment along dundas overlooking the humber cloaked with blackness... or so many other times & places along the way.
a dark sky... a gentle breeze... a touch of coolness in the air... a silent world.
a time to engage my feelings. a time to feel The Embrace.
so many times i've felt this feeling. times when life was confusing. times when the pain seemed unbearable. times when i wondered how the pieces would ever fall together.
they always did.
he was always faithful.
sure... sometimes it took a while before i could see it.
and the lesson i learned over and over and over again was that it was better to wait than to walk into the night alone... that despair didn't help get me anyplace faster, nor did pestering G*D. and most of all... that it was better for my eyes to rest on his face than to seek stability & comfort in my own wisdom.
it was on those nights that i learned to be still and know that i am not G*D... that he is more than enough... and that being near him is my utmost privilege, joy and responsibility.
there is much i've forgotten along the way. much i need to learn again, as humbling as that may be.
Lord... teach me one more time. forgive me for settling for the sparkle... for buying cotton candy when i was hungry... ...for i know there is no greater pleasure or nourishment than to swallow the sound of your laughter.
and thank you for this place of confusion... for without it, i might convince myself that i actually know where i'm going.
