it's time...

it's hard to believe that it's been 18 months since this cancer journey started.

i'm feeling well.  the radiation is going smoothly at this point.  just a little tenderness that will likely worsen in the coming weeks.  sometimes my arm aches, but i don't know if it's from surgery or radiation at this point.  time will tell, i guess.  thankfully it's not constant.

all in all... i'm good.  i was prepared to come out of the last operation with limited use of my arm.  so this is nothing.  thanks be to G*D.

dr. lao is saying that when the radiation is complete, we'll give it another month to cook... then do another scan before he determines if the high-dose il-2 regimen is the appropriate next step.

waiting on scans has become a regular part of our world.  it's hard to make plans past 3 months simply because we don't know what things will look like in 3 months.  that's not me being doom & gloom.  that's just me being realistic.

which is why i pushed a conversation with the elders about the need for the church to move on.  actually, it's something i brought up almost immediately after i was diagnosed, because i know this disease all too well, and wanted the church to be thinking ahead & prepared.  my reality is that even if this next scan is clear... the one after that may not be... or the one after that.  for at least the next 2 years, i'll always be just 3 months away from another scan that could send me back into treatment.  of course i'm hopeful that won't be how it plays out.  but our church community needs someone with a bigger vision that i can give right now... someone who can dig in and drive the movement that needs to happen.

over this journey, westwinds has been more wonderful, patient & generous than i could have ever asked... giving me time away... continuing my medical benefits... and even supplementing the disability policy that i purchased before i came to michigan.  they've made life so much easier than it could have been.

they've waited, prayed & hoped for my return... but a few months back when that 3 month scan indicated the cancer had returned yet again, i approached the elders and encouraged them to realize that it was time...

...time to move forward  ...time to think beyond "when randy gets back"s...  time to free dave & john from having to carry my load  ...time to release the church to get some things done in some much needed areas. 

let's face it... the reality is that i haven't been able to effectively do my job for a year and a half.

so monday night at "love shack" i announced that this medical leave of absence was taking a turn.

we don't have plans to move.  we'll still attend and be involved in the church we love... just in a different capacity and as energy permits.

thankfully beth's job is stable even in this michigan economy.  westwinds has an amazing medical plan; but her company has a good plan too... one that will pick us up and even enable us to stay with the same doctors.  we still smile whenever we remember she got this job just one week before i was diagnosed.

so obviously G*D.

on top of that... westwinds has committed to generously continue supplementing my disability for a good while to help ease the transition.

more than we could ever have asked.

sometimes i'll admit that i wonder what will happen in 6 months if things are going well and my doc says i can begin working again.  but... then i remember that my job as a follower of Jesus has always only ever been simply to obey the one thing G*D is asking me to do today... confident there will be new instructions waiting for me with the sunrise.  my job isn't to dwell in tomorrows, but to continue to allow him to transform me in each "now"... and to join him in offering that same healing to the world.

that might sound strange to hear someone with cancer say they want to bring healing to the world.  but... just because one area of my life remains sick doesn't mean he hasn't done amazing things in all the other areas.  and to focus on what he hasn't done seems to me like i'd be ignoring all he has done, is doing, and plans to do.

lord, forgive us for missing & devaluing your work just because it's not yet complete.

i guess that's somewhat the challenge of LIFE vs. life.  that is... to be able to see the beauty in spite of the dung we keep stepping in. 

when it comes down to it, we're all just beggars standing in the same line at the soup kitchen.  and when our portion doesn't quite remove all the hunger pains, or taste the way we'd like... rather than appreciate what we've just consumed, we grumble over not getting seconds while staring at the people waiting in line for their first helping.

lord... i don't want to miss an ounce of the goodness you desire for me to enjoy.  but at the same time, keep me from being greedy or demanding.  because it seems to me that any kind of gluttony is sin... maybe even more so when it comes to stuffing our faces with all you give us.

anyway... does all this transition feel weird?  of course it does.  i've been in christian ministry for almost 30 years.  how could it not?  but i'm sure that's another post or two someplace down the path.  the bottom line remains.

it's time.

and it's okay.

Comments

[Tim Maynard]

I hope you continue to blog. I'm literally in tears. Don't really know why.

[JVo]

I love you.

[Robbin]

Oh my Randy what to say thru the tears..When you made this annoucement at "love shack" I prayed that I had heard it incorrectly but I did not..I'm glad you will remain with us in fusion you always lift me up..God bless to you, Beth and the kids Please continue to blog..Thanks for sharing Robbin

[justin]

praying.