i've spent a considerable amount of time trying to figure out how best to bring people up to speed on what's happened during my blogging sabbatical. after several attempts... i'm taking one final stab. it will probably come out in several different posts... so please be patient. i've gotta start somewhere.
this past summer... sometime after my "blah... blah... blah" post... the tectonic plates beneath my feet began to shift again. as if it wasn't enough that my cancer had returned once more... or that i'd left my position at westwinds permanently.
i'd come to ww to rethink everything. but i was realizing that in the contract G*D had written for me, his definition for "everything" was a grand canyon bit bigger than my own.
anyway... i'd been trying to get out and walk each day... even doing a bit of running in spite of an awkward heaviness in my chest. physical therapy had extended my range of motion & pumped some strength back into my right arm. it all felt so good. i was tasting normalcy... and my body was begging for another helping.
but somewhere in my consciousness... as much as i didn't want to face it... that stiffness in my lungs hinted that not everything was progressing as smoothly as i was hoping. was it a cold... allergies... was my asthma bothering me again after all these years... was it the cancer? a pet scan was already on the books at the u for the end of august... but rather than wait, i made an appointment with my regular physician, dr. aaron vanwagnen. it had been a good while since i'd been in to pester him anyway.
dr. a. is a wild man. he's fast, friendly... and very "let's get to the bottom of this"-ish. add his sidekick nurse, beth, into the mix and office visits fall someplace between the feel of an old family reunion and a night with barnum & bailey under the big top. that day in the office was no exception. even if i don't leave feeling better, i always walk away feeling loved.
he ordered a couple of simple tests, but was confident it was just a bit of gird stirring up my asthma. very treatable. besides... he knew that if it was something more serious, the pet scan would tell us.
i remember leaving the office on a bit of a high. that normalcy on which i'd been nibbling had gotten a milky coating of hope... and was tasting even better. i drove away with the anticipation that i was indeed on an upward trend... and he was going to do whatever he could to help me get my life back.
it was a feeling i hadn't felt in a very long time.
but it wouldn't last.
_______________
fast forward...
i was up fairly early that morning... down in the kitchen by myself. i recognized the number on the caller i.d. as being dr. a's private line... and thinking it was his nurse calling with some information about those other test results, i picked up the phone. dr. a.'s voice had its usual friendly bellow, but was mixed with as much concern as doctors are allowed. he simply said, "i'm looking at your report, randy"... (i'm still thinking the other test at this point) ..."and it's not good. it's not good at all. it's everywhere, my friend. i'm so sorry. i don't know if there's even anything they can try. it's really bad."
my mind jerked as it attempted to downshift into 1st gear from 3rd. you'll understand when i tell you that the whiplash was ruthless.
later that day i'd speak with dr. lao who hadn't seen the report yet when i called. he pulled it up as we talked on the phone and i remember a long silence followed by, "that sucks." i'm not sure where our conversation went after that. my new reality was still sinking in for both of us... and somehow i'd hoped that chris would give me a more optimistic take on the results. we had originally agreed not to talk results until our appointment. but that plan was lying on the tracks about 300 miles back.
not only was the cancer back... it had spread significantly throughout my body. it was almost easier to say where it wasn't, than where it now was. my lungs were so filled with tumors that the report used the word "innumerable".
i wasn't completely caught off guard though. in the days since my appointment with dr. a.w., i'd begun to experience some pain in my left hip area... specifically my left butt cheek and on down. so i asked if the scan showed a connection between that pain & the cancer. it did.
naturally i also assumed that the tightness in my chest was due to those "innumerable" tumors. but strangely he said that when melanoma presents in the lungs, it usually doesn't cause breathing problems. so... he suggested a ct for a definitive answer.
i could tell you more, but there's really no point. bottom line, i was... am... stage IV... "incurable" from a medical perspective. i hung up the phone knowing i would see him at our appointment the next day.
and the questions started to fill the pages of my mind.
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