fogparty

my newest reality... contd.

this post is a continuation of my attempt to catch everyone up to speed on what has happened over the last months since i stopped posting.

being a husband & dad makes it difficult to hide in the corner sucking my "poor me" thumb for very long.  there are always others in the room who are waiting to hear... concerned & anxious, balancing fear & hope just like i was only moments ago when i ran in ignorance.

i'd never hidden from beth anything that dr. lao has said to me before, and i didn't want to hide dr. vanwagnen's call from her either.  but i decided to hold the horse in the shoot until i could talk with dr. lao.  the timing of it all caught me off guard and i wanted his fuller oncological perspective to somehow put blanks in the shotgun i was about to unload on her.  but the longer dr. lao was unavailable, the more i wanted & need to be one with her again.

all through this thing, we'd agreed to be honest with the kids as well... telling them first... telling them everything.  we'd each pray, asking G*D for the best words and timing to help the kids stare down that same barrel we had.

it was never easy.  but it always seemed like G*D had answered our prayers.

i'm so proud of how each of them has handled the news every time we've had to load that shotgun over the past 2 years.  above all... i want them to be honest about all that they're thinking & feeling.  but sometimes it's hard to know what we're feeling.  so my biggest desires is that these challenges would lead them into intimacy with those around them... and especially with the G*D whose been faithful to me through the decades.

i guess "numb" is something we feel quite regularly these days.  which is probably a good thing.  numb is like G*D putting a funnel into our heads in order to regulate the flow of information to more tolerable levels.  so... we'll take numb... and even see it as a gift.

humor finds its place along this dark journey too.  it helps a great deal.  not that we use it to hide... although i'm sure we do at times.  but more so it reminds us that we mustn't take ourselves too seriously.  so we've had some laughs about how i used to have armpit cancer, and now i have butt-cheek cancer!  ian didn't think it was very funny at the time, but he's since come around.  laughter opens the door for a shift in perspective.

that next day, beth joined me for the appointment, ready with pen & notebook.  one by one our questions were answered with as much forthrightness & sensitivity as the situation demanded.  dr. lao has become a good friend to us both.  he ordered an mri to see if it was in my brain as well.  it wouldn't change the prognosis, but it would alter the treatment plan.  and he ordered a ct to get a better look at what was going on with my lungs.

since we needed to find out the results from the mri before we landed on a firm treatment plan... we could only discuss probably options at this point.  however... we left with a pretty good idea of what next.  we were leaning at staying at the u of m to participate in a clinical trial that our own favorite doc was administering.  it was showing some very promising results, but was in the extremely early stages of study.

it would involve 2 study drugs (one taken by mouth 2x/day & one received through a weekly infusion.)  neither of these drugs works like chemo.  instead of attacking all my bogy's cells, they only attack the bad ones.  the premise is this... cancer cells have a mechanism that tells them to keep living & reproducing.  normal cells don't have that mechanism.  so they run a normal life (& death) cycle.  so the intention is that these drugs will block the mechanism in the bad cells and free them to live (& die) like normal cells.

it's a very cool concept.  those just ahead of me in the initial trial were seeing some very promising results... although it was too early in the study to tell the long term benefits.  it all seemed very hopeful... or at least potentially so. 

but the conversation somewhat turned into a dark alley when he looked me in the eyes and said, "we need this treatment to work and work fast.  if we don't see some definitive results from this first 2-month phase, you won't have much time left."

fireworks... a street load of cousins... and a retraction...

most people don't think of going south for the 4th of july... but we do... and did.

one of my brothers lives in bluffton, indiana... about an hour south of the michigan line.  we didn't grow up there.  but my mother worked at the 'caylor-nickel clinic' when we lived on the farm about a half an hour away.

'the fourth' has always been a special time for us beyond just celebrating our country's independence.  my mother's birthday was july 1st... and my dad's was july 4th... so we did the family-gather thing complete with packing our stomachs with burgers or whatever was dangling over the charcoal.  our parents are gone now, but never far from our thoughts.

in earlier years, the 4th also was a time for enjoying the salamonie summer festival in warren, where we lived most of our growing up days... so i thought it would be fun to take the family over for the festival parade, since we were so close. 

on our way there, i drove down shafer road and past the farm.  the land still holds a certain mystic for me.  even though the house is now abandoned, overgrown, & really should be torn down... somehow i only see it the way it used to be.  taking a picture from the edge of "our property"...  i'm reminded that in some ways little has changed since those days.  

finally in town... we placed our chairs across from the school i attended as a kid... the school where one day i slid down the snowy hill... ...on my piano book!  anyway... every window seemed to invite me into a different collection of short stories.  but there wasn't time for too much reminiscing...  the parade was coming!

our lawn chair vantage point was only a couple houses from where we lived after moving off the farm.  i found myself pointing out my bedroom window to my kids... then feeling a bit strange.  why should they care which was my bedroom window?  i guess i was just hoping it might help them realize this was holy ground in some way. 

home has a way of making you feel that way sometimes.  you wish you could let your kids have a peak into your past... or at least into the good times.

like in any small town...  the parade was stuffed with fire engines, old tractors & cars, politicians, a few floats, kid's baseball teams and a marching band.  my kids said it was more fun hearing me skateboard down memory lane than anything else.

there was the convertible sporting the 2008 "little miss salamonie", followed by her 9-yr. old predecessor... which triggered my own childhood memories of singing as the winner walked her acceptance walk.  "there she is, little miss salamonie.  there she is, our ideal."  ah, those were the days.

and sure enough, there among the pick-ups sprouting with heads fresh from their summer butch cut was a group wearing shirts for 'heyde oil'... one of the teams i, myself, played on during my many awkward years. 

and my grade school friend, john williams, drove his plymouth sports fury loaded with his grandkids.

and i was surprised when some of my bonham cousins walked by drawing the crowd's support to elect my cousin, paul, for county commissioner.  where's my squirt gun when i need it?!

but then, seeing the float my thompson cousins made... surrounded by nearly 200 thompsons... left me with the eerie realization that probably most of the people in the parade were related to me in one way or another. 

but that's not a bad thing.  that's what happens when you go back to your roots.

for the 2 or 3 of you who missed it... and might be interested in watching... here's the entire parade (or most of it) in 1 minute & 45 seconds!

 

ian got to connect with his soul-mate & peoria buddy, cameron, whose family was also returning to their hoosier stomping grounds not far away.  i'm so thankful they've stayed connected.  he's one of our favorites, for sure.

then a drive back along 'shafer road'... some great bluffton fireworks to celebrate beth's first fourth as a u.s. citizen... a trip to taylor to drop off cameron...  a couple stops at fireworks store... and we're home again in michigan.

i also learned that more family members read my blog than i expected...  which feels kind of cool & weird at the same time...  which also leads me to the retraction part. 

no... beth wasn't really examined by oprah's grandma for her citizenship test.  beth's re-telling of the experience simply labeled her interviewer as the kind of woman who seemed like she might be oprah's grandma, but i neglected to make that clear in my blog post. 

i apologize.  we regret any confusion this error may have caused anyone... and meant no harm to oprah's family.  we also regret any stress that our family members may bear because they told friends & family that oprah's grandmother helped beth become a u.s. citizen.  as far as we know... oprah's grandmother neither lives in detroit, nor works for the department of homeland security.  although, neither can we confirm that she doesn't.  we also wish to deny any rumors that beth has been contacted by harpo productions to tape a special immigration segment for the oprah show.

not just any breakfast...

breakfast is not usually my favorite meal of the day... ...which my wife resents.

you see... it is for her.

she can think of few things better than heading out for an omelet to start her day. 

but over the years, with all my breakfast meetings... i'm the one who usually ends up more regularly at "the bob"... "the crack"... or "the roxy."  and my selection is pretty plain & healthy... much to her annoyance.

even at home, my typical routine involves some kashi "vive" cereal.  i love it.  if there's some blueberries or strawberries to top it... even better.  emma, my "capt'n crunch" queen calls it "sticks & stones".

but today?  today's different.  today we have fresh peaches.

peaches are one of those fruits that launch my saliva glands instantaneously... especially this time of year.

they remind me of many, many wonderful times at the cottage on lake simcoe during the 'dating' months... the newlywed years... and the young kid years.  and i can't eat them without thinking of beth's dad... pontificating and chuckling as he peeled & sliced peach after peach for whomever may be waiting to top their shreddies and inhale the fruit of his labor.

i guess they say "vacation" to me... and "family."

of course... sometimes peaches don't deliver on their promise... and the taste is less worthy of my fantasy.  oh, for the assurance that these were ontario grown!

so... here i sit.  pontificating in clarke's name... delighting in the senses as each slice falls off my knife into the bowl of s & s...  wondering if they'll live up to the goose bumps on my tongue.

a fitting way to start my day... and first day with no radiation.

thank you G*D for creating senses!  they are the poor man's wealth, the sick man's delight, and the rich man's toy.  but they invite every one of us to enjoy the wonders of this life you've created... and anticipate a time when our taste buds will explode from your very presence... ...and everything will be as you always wanted it to be.

hey... give back my scalp...

i tried to keep it a secret from them... but just couldn't do it.

coldplay was starting a new tour... detroit was one of the first 3 cities on the tour... and i was thinking about taking my 3 fabulous mini-me's. 

they know coldplay's one of my favorite bands.  and since they love them too... i thought it might be one of those rare opportunities for me to do something cool with all my kids without them being embarrassed to have old dad around.  i shot the idea across the bow... and when mutiny didn't erupt, i started looking online for tickets. 

yikes! 

then i began back-peddling a bit... debating whether or not i wanted to spend that kind of money for a memorable family evening together.  so i had one of those sensible dad ideas that risked the dreaded eye-roll...  and shot a second idea across the bow.  "would you guys be willing to go halvsies with me on the tickets?"  much to my surprise, they agreed. 

i love having kids with jobs!

then the band decided they weren't quite ready and pushed their tour start date back... bumped detroit and 2 other cities... and rescheduled for november...  ...which actually may have helped our cause because most of the good seats were already gone.  could it be possible that some of the people with good july tickets wouldn't be able to make the november date?

we agreed that the nosebleed section wasn't where we wanted to put our money... but even if there were floor seats available... sensible dad didn't want to pay an arm & a leg even if he was only springing for half the ticket.  so that put us hunting for seats in the lower ring.  but even there, the available seats were still pricey... and at the opposite end from the stage... in the corner.  bummer.

oh well.  we convinced ourselves that they would be fine.

beth sometimes calls me "randy no stone unturned shafer" because i don't give up easily.  it's that perfectionist thing that too often bites me in the butt.  anyway... just before pressing the purchase button, i decided to do a bit more hunting.

the next few days were an education.  i found better seats alright... and at a price that seemed like they just might be worth the extra bills.  that is, until i discovered the delivery charges and broker fees.  ouch!  no thanks!  so back to the lower ring corner.  of course by this time, the seats had been moving higher row by row.

but just before pressing that purchase button at ticketmaster a second time... i noticed the "auction" tab. 

hmmm.  what's that? 

there were a few seats available in great sections, but kind of like priceline... it was a risk.  they told you the general area, but the exact section, row & seat was hidden.  plus since i'd be low-balling, someone might outbid me easily... and it might be too late to get the other available safe seats and we'd be stuck with even worse ones by the end of the auction.

but i took the risk... placed my bid... felt a little guilty about asking G*D to help me end up with good seats no matter what... and proceeded to wait.

i kept checking the auction for the next day or two... waiting for it to end... expecting someone to jump in at the last minute and outbid me.  but no one did.  whatever tickets i was winning... they were going to be mine.

then the email came.

floor... center section... 14 rows from the stage.

can't say anything but, "thanks G*D" and... "waaaa hooo!!!"

anyone know where i can get a good deal on earplugs?

father's sway...

we headed up to holt for church on father's day.  westwinds was collecting an offering to help offset the part of the budget they've dedicated to help our family over the next couple of years.  so... even though it is an awesome thing they are doing... it felt a bit awkward for us to be there.  so we thought we'd visit riverview.

noel, one of the lead pastors there, is a good friend.  "good" meaning, we rarely spend time together, but when we do... we have unusual chemistry.  jenn attends riverview when she's at msu... and misses it.  anyway... it just happened that we showed up on their first sunday in their new auditorium.

my kids asked if i have trouble leaving my "analysis hat" in the car when we visit other churches.  yeah... it's hard.  but i try to appreciate and watch the movement of G*D even when it's pressed out of the playdough fun factory into a different shape than i'm used to enjoying.  their new digs (do people still use that word?) are purposely stripped down to allow for greater versatility.  but i especially loved the floor to ceiling projection wall... and the grassy knoll risers in the back...  and the lobby space made me drool.  lot's of potential everywhere.

of course, everyone knows aesthetics will only hold people for so long.  but at riverview... noel & dan did a great job.  and all i can say is that if it were closer... my kids would be there every sunday.  it's kind of like willow creek with bare feet.  the feel was some place between the mega-church maxwellosphere of northwoods and the boutique of intellectually stimulating & trendeliciously metaphoric randomness of westwinds... which put me in a weird place, to be honest.  nothing bad... just weird.  the issues are complex... but the experience egged on an internal debate i've recently resumed regarding the needed shifts in the american church.

one of my desires as a pastor has been to help the church break it's addiction to simplistic thinking / the-next-cool-thing / commercialism / & one-size-fits-all kick butt programming... in hopes of freeing us to embrace the raw joy & responsibility of following Jesus in the grubbiness of redemption.  don't misunderstand me.  i'm not saying those things are inherently wrong.  but several times i've thought about writing a book on weaning the church off of itself.  anyway... a ton of things bounced madly inside my head during the service... which, by the way, i still thoroughly appreciated and was sincerely influenced by.  my guess is that i would have wrestled with these other things wherever we had gone to worship that day.

and now... a few days out, i'm still wrestling...  ...not only with the reality that my kids would rather be at riverview, but with the cold truth that somehow i may have missed my chance at cracking the nut.

at the same time... i'm struck with a looming sense that the gun barrel has one more shot left in it somehow (for good or for bad)... and that rather than being side-lined... it's more like i'm being rescued.

i guess time will tell.

a night to remember...

the midwest has a tradition of celebrating high school graduations with open houses... so this time of year we spend a lot of our time hopping from yard to yard.  if you get an "open house invitation", there's this unwritten expectation that you should pony up with a gift... usually money.  in turn... you get to stuff your cheeks with food at the grad's home... attempting to at least re-coop a bit of the gift's expense by feeding your family.

it's a no win situation.

in my day... "food" at open houses simply meant "cake made by marjorie fiock & hawaiian punch mixed with seven-up."

today... it means a light meal... followed by the eternal hope of discovering the graduation cake that actually tastes as good as mrs. fiock's.  after 6 attempts this year so far... i've only added yet another notch to my trusty cake fork... as well as to my belt.

we rented a tent, tables, chairs... decked the place out... enslaved some of our best friends to chop endless amounts of veggies and fruit, cook egg rolls & meatballs... brought in the roly-polys... and rigged up a slushy machine.

there's no way we could have done it without some very kind and wonderful people... not to mention our own kids who were forced into slave labor for the last few weeks.

a neighbor offered his small group (from another church) to come over and finish staining our deck.  a huge help.  a friend from ww came over to clean the house... then noticed the bags of mulch by the driveway.  the next thing i knew, tom & don were spreading wood chips and making our flower beds look fresh.  then there were the people who went grocery shopping... and the people who kept stuff for us in their freezers... and the people who lent us coolers & crockpots.  our friends from taylor rental (where ian's working this summer) made good on their offer to deliver everything and set up the tent.  a couple other friends brought kindling & firewood for the bonfire.

then beth's torontonian sis & b.i.l. showed up with a niece in tow to jump into the flurry... and brought tremendous assistance to our last day scramblings... and to the unanticipated chaos (more on that in another post!).

then my floridian brother arrived unexpectedy... and early, psychically anticipating we might need an extra hand...  just in time to help us shift extra junk from our garage to the neighbor's while sean did a quick re-organization of our shed to make even more room for unsightly objects... all so that we could serve the food in the garage instead of on the back deck, because a tornado watch was going into effect!

but when 6 o'clock rolled around... all was as it should be.  the rain held off for awhile... and when it did show up, it didn't stay long.  the wind cooled everything down a bit.  and all in all, people had a nice time.

the food was great.  the cake was fantastic (almost as good as mrs. fiock's!  but not quite.)  the place looked wonderful.  and most importantly... the slushy machine was a big hit.

since ian's going into aviation, we had everyone sign a big airplane that he'll hang in his room next to an entertaining charicature of him sent from some cleveland friends.

of course... the best part of it all was reading cards some had sent and seeing people arrive who have poured into our son's life over the years... adding their own special lego piece to who he is today... and personally laying asphalt for his runway so that he has plently of room to take off and soar into the wild blue yonder.

wow.  i think i've been reading too many hallmark graduation cards.

Lord... thank you for the friends and family who have supported and prayed for our son all these years.  bless them for their thoughtfulness & generosity & love.  they've each been a gift to build into his character... and helped to fill his memory with jewels that will seep joy & wisdom for many years to come.

capt'n crunch parents...

early saturday, i picked up emma from another sleep-over.  seems like they are the weekend norm these days.  she tells me they actually sleep.  but i find that pretty hard to believe.

anyway... as we drove away from her friend's home, i noticed a weird morning smell coming from the blob sitting next to me, clutching its pillow.

"did you have popcorn this morning for breakfast?"

"no."  she replied.  "captain crunch."

"oh."

then came the haunting statement.

"i love spending the night at friends, because i get to eat cereal that you & mom won't allow in the house."

internally i argued, "hey!  we put those little boxes of cocoa puffs & sugar crisp in your stockings every christmas!"  but i knew she had a point.  it's not that we don't allow bad stuff in the house.  it's just that we like to steer the kids to healthier alternatives.

i remember when the kids were little... and a friend was watching them for the afternoon.  beth got a phone call asking, "we're just having a little afternoon snack over here... and jenn & ian are telling me they've never had oreo's before.  is that true?"  and when beth verified their statement, our friend said, "that's just un-american!"

anyway...

i said to emms in the car, "i guess you can be thankful that G*D gave you parents who care about you eating healthy...  ...and thankful that you have friends whose parents don't!"

she agreed.

then she said, "yeah, at least you're not as bad as sara's parents."  "whenever the ice cream truck came down their street, they told her it was just a music truck."

i think we both laughed the rest of the way home.

i guess i'm not such a bad parent after all.

a tassel free day...

well... in spite of all the goofs and blunders of parenting... ian graduated from western high school this afternoon.

i can't say i could be any prouder.  he's just one great son.

he's taken on a lot this year.  more than most seniors, i'd say.  he's learned a lot... worked hard... and kept smiling through it all.

i know it sounds cliche', but where did the time go?

when did my cuddly-buddly-boo turn into a man?

he's got so much ahead of him.  so much potential.  so many wonderful things to experience.  so much of G*D to discover.

Lord... as i've prayed for him so many times before...

...thanks for my son.  thanks for making him one of a kind.  thanks for adding so much to our lives through him.

grant him the ability to see you next to him along the way... and the strength to follow you no matter what those days hold. 

do great things in him... and through him. 

protect him from all evil and harm. 

and explode your work inside of him... so that the joy in your heart fills his... and spills into all he meets.

almost legal...

beth had her citizenship test & interview on thursday.

yep... after living in the u.s. for 23+ years... paying taxes to uncle sam for the same length... and giving birth to 3 americans... she figured it was about time she had the opportunity to vote for the people who will lead the country she lives & works in. 

plus... the cost was about to go up.

of course this doesn't mean she'll stop being a full blooded canadian.  her heart will always pump maple syrup.

she was a little nervous about passing the test.  but in the end, it didn't turn out to be that hard.  she said she had oprah's grandma for her examiner.  (not really.  she just seems like the type.)  and as you would expect with my wife... they were best friends by the time the whole thing was over.

she'd been sweating remembering which were the original 13 colonies.  but they didn't end up asking that one.  she also was afraid she might get confused on which amendments address voting issues.  (do you know?)

i asked her what the hardest question was that they asked.  "who was the 35th president?"  hard, because it wasn't one of the 100 questions they gave her to study.  but she got it right anyway.

easiest question?  "what color are the stripes on the u.s. flag?" 

when "'oprah's grandma" asked her that one, beth leaned forward & whispered, "i can see two flags from where i'm sitting."  anyway... she got that one right too.  even though she kind of cheated.

she's actually not yet official.  that doesn't come until the swearing in ceremony... (emma commented that she didn't think we were supposed to swear.)  but we haven't heard the date on that one yet.  that's the date when she'll exchange her "green card" for her "i'm an a-murr-i-can" card.

so... when we find out the date... i'm anticipating a celebration!  so buy extra fireworks... keep your july 4th duds clean... and get ready to party at the shafer's.

we'll let you know.

who knows... maybe a presidential candidate will drop in to scoop up the new voter!

ian's prom...

i'm not sure if life is slowing down or speeding up.

either way you look at it... this was a crazy weekend.

ian's senior prom was saturday night... and his romantic side came out strong.

flowers at kelsey's home when she woke up... flowers at the hair-dressers... flowers when he picked her up in the hummer. (thanks brandon!)

he's a good guy.

graduation is in 2 weeks.  open house in 3.

maybe life will slow down in june.

maybe not.

(as always... click on any image to see it larger)