fogparty

yoda loves me...

that's what i read on a bumper sticker the other day.

maybe it's plain old road-rage... but i have to admit that i find myself respecting people with bumper stickers less than other motorists.

i hate bumper stickers.

i view them as traveling billboards that add useless noise to the landscape.

but i also gotta admit... this one got me thinking...

...wondering what in the world was going on in that driver's grey matter!

was he mocking the "god loves me" b.s. crowd?  or the "jesus loves me" bunch?

was he a sci-fi geek?  or just a star wars fanatic obsessed with wookieepedia or maybe yoda-speak?

hmmmmm.  never know, i will.

it's funny how the weirdest things stick in your mind... like a random ridiculous bumper sticker.  but since seeing it, i've thought about how too many times american christianity hasn't seemed a whole lot different from a "yoda loves me" kind of faith... a drummed up ideology based on a wish that someone is out there who cares about them... a fortune cookie feeling that gets them through the day... a way of training their thoughts away from an empty existence they might be wading through... a hope based upon something they were taught as a child.

there have been times when i've been there too... more recently than i'd care to admit.

one of the reasons i sky-dived into ministry in the first place was because i wanted to help unstick the church from the yoda-ness i'd grown up under.

so... if there's one thing i've never wanted... it was a yoda-faith.  but i'm realizing i'd become more of a yodish-pastor than i thought i was.  so... in some way this ejection from professional ministry has the opportunity to be a spiritual healing of sorts.

at the same time... it's not something you just quit.  i can't just behave my heart to some place it's not.  but i don't think G*D expects me to either.  he just tugs me to be the fullest me i know to be right now... not the me someone else expects me to be... or the me i expect myself to be.  he just wants me to be alive to the "this moment" me.

sometimes faith is putting one foot in front of the other and hoping that somehow Jesus has got you pointed halfway in the right direction.

jenn & i started a college study in our home recently.  i'm lovin' it because it allows me to hang with people who are honest & thinking... often with questions pumped fresh from their aortas.  the post high school years are when most of us integrate Jesus into the core of our existence or... choose to keep him as a rabbit foot in our pocket or... trade him in for another belief system that seems more practical.

an important time for sure.

for many of them, the "come to Jesus" experience they once had has faded into little more than a code to follow to some imaginary world or system of social reform... yoda-ology.  and that's too often what they've gotten from the church & various campus ministries.  but they're looking for a christianity that is gritty and raw... able to handle their questions and dilemmas... one that feels fresh & alive.  if following Jesus is simply about all the musts & mustn'ts of morality or social justice... they'd just as soon trade-in their baseball cards.

i want to give them an integrated perspective... some place between the behavior modification "training vs. trying" approach to spiritual formation and the mystical "follow the Spirit" approach.  it's funny how most us tend to throw our weight to one side or the other.  but since the "training" model seems to have saturated the church circles i exist in these days, i have to counter that "be like Jesus" emphasis with the "be with Jesus" emphasis... helping them capture & enjoy & interact with the movement of G*D.

i want them to see G*D active in their world... constantly moving in & around them.  i want it for myself as well.

i can't train them to pretend G*D is real and expect them to end up with anything other than a yoda god.  faith grows by being attentive to the evidence... the movement... then climbing upon it to stand, dance & stretch out our hands into the chaos, hoping that eventually our fingertips will skim across the hem of G*D's robe in the form of further evidence to scramble onto.

i see our faith journey as more of an interaction... a dance between certainty & confusion and intellect & emotion.  not just a dance with a belief system, but a waltz with The Unique One... the intersection between heaven & earth.

there's a difference in the peace that comes from convincing ourselves that something is real & true... or from training ourselves to act like something is real & true... or from behaving as though something is real & true...

...and the peace which comes from having lunch with That Someone just now.

i guess i've just seen too many times how our suitcase tends to be packed with the wares of christianity... that is, disciplines, programs, systems of thinking & acting, etc... rather than with Jesus himself.  we sell a beautifully wrapped gift that conceals a brown cardboard box of do's & don'ts and spiritual workout plans and tantalizing programs that all too often create growth-killing pressure & busyness.

of course we can't live totally on feelings & experiences.  and i believe there are times when G*D will refine us to ensure our love is more for him than for the feelings that come from being with him.

but the kingdom of G*D wasn't meant to be a boot camp.  it wasn't meant to be a paint by number picture.

it was meant to be a ball in the castle... a just before midnight dance with The King... a 3rd sudden-death in the stanley cup.

yes.  for now, it may be a fogparty.

but it won't be for long.

father's sway...

we headed up to holt for church on father's day.  westwinds was collecting an offering to help offset the part of the budget they've dedicated to help our family over the next couple of years.  so... even though it is an awesome thing they are doing... it felt a bit awkward for us to be there.  so we thought we'd visit riverview.

noel, one of the lead pastors there, is a good friend.  "good" meaning, we rarely spend time together, but when we do... we have unusual chemistry.  jenn attends riverview when she's at msu... and misses it.  anyway... it just happened that we showed up on their first sunday in their new auditorium.

my kids asked if i have trouble leaving my "analysis hat" in the car when we visit other churches.  yeah... it's hard.  but i try to appreciate and watch the movement of G*D even when it's pressed out of the playdough fun factory into a different shape than i'm used to enjoying.  their new digs (do people still use that word?) are purposely stripped down to allow for greater versatility.  but i especially loved the floor to ceiling projection wall... and the grassy knoll risers in the back...  and the lobby space made me drool.  lot's of potential everywhere.

of course, everyone knows aesthetics will only hold people for so long.  but at riverview... noel & dan did a great job.  and all i can say is that if it were closer... my kids would be there every sunday.  it's kind of like willow creek with bare feet.  the feel was some place between the mega-church maxwellosphere of northwoods and the boutique of intellectually stimulating & trendeliciously metaphoric randomness of westwinds... which put me in a weird place, to be honest.  nothing bad... just weird.  the issues are complex... but the experience egged on an internal debate i've recently resumed regarding the needed shifts in the american church.

one of my desires as a pastor has been to help the church break it's addiction to simplistic thinking / the-next-cool-thing / commercialism / & one-size-fits-all kick butt programming... in hopes of freeing us to embrace the raw joy & responsibility of following Jesus in the grubbiness of redemption.  don't misunderstand me.  i'm not saying those things are inherently wrong.  but several times i've thought about writing a book on weaning the church off of itself.  anyway... a ton of things bounced madly inside my head during the service... which, by the way, i still thoroughly appreciated and was sincerely influenced by.  my guess is that i would have wrestled with these other things wherever we had gone to worship that day.

and now... a few days out, i'm still wrestling...  ...not only with the reality that my kids would rather be at riverview, but with the cold truth that somehow i may have missed my chance at cracking the nut.

at the same time... i'm struck with a looming sense that the gun barrel has one more shot left in it somehow (for good or for bad)... and that rather than being side-lined... it's more like i'm being rescued.

i guess time will tell.

dream hag...

joe joe and i got onto the subject of dreams the other day.  he's been exploring the meaning behind some of his of late.  a few people have recommended a sort of dream legend that they use to help make sense of the weirdness.  in that... "this" in a dream tends to mean "that"... and "that" tends to mean "this".

when joseph (youngest son of jacob - a.k.a. genesis 37) had his fascinating boyhood dreams, we don't really know how much he understood them at the time.  his siblings figured they were yet another indication that baby brother thought he was better than them all.  regardless... it was years before meaning fell fully into place for any of them.  and interestingly... scripture gives no indication that those dreams brought little joe much comfort in the middle of his egyptian enslavement & imprisonment. 

more than his own dreams... joseph became known for his ability to make sense of the dreams of others.  dreams that were much more literal than the ones i hear most people trying to interpret today.  still... joseph credits G*D with the interpretation more than his own logic.

so... it seems to me that at the very least we should spend more time talking with G*D about our dreams than attempting to figure them out on our own.

beth regularly has dreams, but usually she doesn't remember them.  we'll be sleeping away and all of a sudden she starts talking... or worse!  there's the famous ground beef dream... the leaky water softener dream... the kid on the bike dream... the toenail dream.

i could go on.

the other night, just after i turned out the light from coming to bed late... she rolled over and said, "are you okay?"  "yes", i responded.  to which she said "what's going on with your hair?" 

being billiard ball bald... and the unusually sensitive hubby that i am, i said, "it's gone!" 

i'm not sure if my tone stirred her into a less vulnerable level of sleep... or if my answer satisfied her subconscious curiosity.  either way... she plopped her head back onto the pillow as if to say, "i think i just made a fool of myself... and i'm not speaking to you ever again."  she didn't remember anything the next morning.

i seldom remember my dreams.  not sure why.  but last week i had one that was less forgettable... mostly because it was a replay of a dream i'd had weeks before.

i was standing outside a large building (i think it was a hospital) talking with a woman i'd never met before.  she wasn't the type i'd spontaneously strike up a conversation with.  she was disheveled... greasy hair... deeply wrinkled face... gray tone to her skin... the kind who tempts you to hold your breath when you walk past.  a positive personality would classify her grin as "half-toothed".

in the original dream, she approached me to ask how i was doing...  and i cordially responded with a list of ailments accurately depicting my health woes... yet without exaggeration.  she countered with a sad story about her child who was stricken with something or other.  i don't remember what... and it doesn't really matter.  the point was (or so it seemed in the dream) that this little dream bag lady's story "upped" mine infinitely.  i wasn't offended, but i found myself speechless as to how to respond to her misery.

the "re-run" version felt deja' vu-ish at first.  i was outside the same building... and my eyes met the same woman.  but it was like we were meeting for the first time... getting a second chance, of sorts.  i immediately anticipated our conversation and the story she'd tell.  so i led with my rook, and invited her to "go first" in our tale-of-sorrow match.  but the story she painted was not the same as in my original dream.  it was horribly worse.  and she did not counter to invite me to use my brushes on her canvas...  nor did i care to.  i threw my arms around her and we hugged for what seemed a wonderful forever.  end of dream. 

then someplace between conscious sleep and unconscious sleep... these words lodged in my mind.

"For where two or three have gathered together in My name, I am there in their midst."  (matthew 18:20)

the context of the verse doesn't seem to directly apply.  i would have much more anticipated matthew 25:40  ('i tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.').  but i find it fascinating that instead, this particular verse came to bring context to my dream.

mother teresa used to say that she would see the face of Jesus in every person to whom she ministered.  now we know from her journal that she struggled to feel G*D in times of prayer & meditation... and that seeing his face in the less fortunate was a huge part of why she did what she did.  in reality she was admitting that she did it for herself as much as she did it for them... or even for him.  that's comforting to know.

i can't say that i saw Jesus in the face of the bag lady in my dreams... but it was obvious that Jesus was there, inhabiting our hug... which is strangely how i believe my dream connects with this verse.

in reality... whenever i give a moment of my day to the presence of Jesus... and then happen to "kaleid" with another person... the two of us gather in Jesus' name whether or not the other person knows it.  so... just like in my dream... Jesus shows up and does his Jesus thing.  it might come without words.  it might be completely unexpected.  but living with Jesus moment by moment creates LIFE moments... ...seconds when things are more like they were meant to be.

we don't have to orchestrate them.  they just happen when we're present to the reality that G*D is with us.

and when he is... he changes everything.

them.

me.

us.

sometimes i think we spend too much time dreaming while we're awake... and should spend more time sleep-walking in G*D's dreams.

i may not know what the next season holds for me.  but i do know that i long for more of those moments when somehow i get to inhale and offer the scent of Jesus to all of us who have become content with the smell of stench... if nothing else, making a difference one nostril at a time... watching the wonder of LIFE as he reshapes everything... watching the dreams of G*D become the reality of men.

not b.h.a.g.s (big hairy audacious goals) as jim collins proposes,

just following a b.h.a.G. (big honkin' amazing G*D).

okay... maybe i should have ended this post a few sentences earlier than i did.  sorry.

it's time...

it's hard to believe that it's been 18 months since this cancer journey started.

i'm feeling well.  the radiation is going smoothly at this point.  just a little tenderness that will likely worsen in the coming weeks.  sometimes my arm aches, but i don't know if it's from surgery or radiation at this point.  time will tell, i guess.  thankfully it's not constant.

all in all... i'm good.  i was prepared to come out of the last operation with limited use of my arm.  so this is nothing.  thanks be to G*D.

dr. lao is saying that when the radiation is complete, we'll give it another month to cook... then do another scan before he determines if the high-dose il-2 regimen is the appropriate next step.

waiting on scans has become a regular part of our world.  it's hard to make plans past 3 months simply because we don't know what things will look like in 3 months.  that's not me being doom & gloom.  that's just me being realistic.

which is why i pushed a conversation with the elders about the need for the church to move on.  actually, it's something i brought up almost immediately after i was diagnosed, because i know this disease all too well, and wanted the church to be thinking ahead & prepared.  my reality is that even if this next scan is clear... the one after that may not be... or the one after that.  for at least the next 2 years, i'll always be just 3 months away from another scan that could send me back into treatment.  of course i'm hopeful that won't be how it plays out.  but our church community needs someone with a bigger vision that i can give right now... someone who can dig in and drive the movement that needs to happen.

over this journey, westwinds has been more wonderful, patient & generous than i could have ever asked... giving me time away... continuing my medical benefits... and even supplementing the disability policy that i purchased before i came to michigan.  they've made life so much easier than it could have been.

they've waited, prayed & hoped for my return... but a few months back when that 3 month scan indicated the cancer had returned yet again, i approached the elders and encouraged them to realize that it was time...

...time to move forward  ...time to think beyond "when randy gets back"s...  time to free dave & john from having to carry my load  ...time to release the church to get some things done in some much needed areas. 

let's face it... the reality is that i haven't been able to effectively do my job for a year and a half.

so monday night at "love shack" i announced that this medical leave of absence was taking a turn.

we don't have plans to move.  we'll still attend and be involved in the church we love... just in a different capacity and as energy permits.

thankfully beth's job is stable even in this michigan economy.  westwinds has an amazing medical plan; but her company has a good plan too... one that will pick us up and even enable us to stay with the same doctors.  we still smile whenever we remember she got this job just one week before i was diagnosed.

so obviously G*D.

on top of that... westwinds has committed to generously continue supplementing my disability for a good while to help ease the transition.

more than we could ever have asked.

sometimes i'll admit that i wonder what will happen in 6 months if things are going well and my doc says i can begin working again.  but... then i remember that my job as a follower of Jesus has always only ever been simply to obey the one thing G*D is asking me to do today... confident there will be new instructions waiting for me with the sunrise.  my job isn't to dwell in tomorrows, but to continue to allow him to transform me in each "now"... and to join him in offering that same healing to the world.

that might sound strange to hear someone with cancer say they want to bring healing to the world.  but... just because one area of my life remains sick doesn't mean he hasn't done amazing things in all the other areas.  and to focus on what he hasn't done seems to me like i'd be ignoring all he has done, is doing, and plans to do.

lord, forgive us for missing & devaluing your work just because it's not yet complete.

i guess that's somewhat the challenge of LIFE vs. life.  that is... to be able to see the beauty in spite of the dung we keep stepping in. 

when it comes down to it, we're all just beggars standing in the same line at the soup kitchen.  and when our portion doesn't quite remove all the hunger pains, or taste the way we'd like... rather than appreciate what we've just consumed, we grumble over not getting seconds while staring at the people waiting in line for their first helping.

lord... i don't want to miss an ounce of the goodness you desire for me to enjoy.  but at the same time, keep me from being greedy or demanding.  because it seems to me that any kind of gluttony is sin... maybe even more so when it comes to stuffing our faces with all you give us.

anyway... does all this transition feel weird?  of course it does.  i've been in christian ministry for almost 30 years.  how could it not?  but i'm sure that's another post or two someplace down the path.  the bottom line remains.

it's time.

and it's okay.

that wasn't who i am...

joe & i were talking the other morning about some guy who wrote a book, then later regretted writing it because he no longer believed what he'd written.

ouch!  it's a risky thing to etch your thoughts into concrete.

but then we got to thinking.  are we really that different from that guy?  don't we all to some degree or another look back at what we've thought or said or done with a certain level of horror?

so... with that in mind... our conversation carried us to wondering how things would be so much different if we wrote... or performed... or spoke... or lived (or read, watched & listened) factoring in that reality.  we dreamt together about how formational environments would change, if we became teachers & students with different expectations... with an altered awareness.

i mean.  usually when you write or deliver a message, you attempt to get everything right.  you want people to walk away convinced that what you put out to them was top stuff... on the mark.  of course, you acknowledge that you don't know everything about everything... but still you try to be fresh & thorough with your conclusions and hope that you've gotten most things right.

but one delusion of the modern era seems to have resulted in a christian culture that expects its preachers and teachers and writers and scholars to get everything right.  we expect to hear 'the' correct take on that verse or passage.  we want to hear 'the' authoritative conclusion about the scriptures.  after all... aren't we paying them to get it right?  and if we don't like or agree with what we hear... we simply drive across town to sit at the feet of someone who thinks like we do... ...or we start a new church. 

we end up creating gatherings of agreement... rather than communities of engagement and transformation.

unfortunately, many ministers have caved to the pressure.  (myself included, way too often)

but like that guy joe & i were talking about... the reality is that even though hindsight may not be exactly 20/20, still it tends to at least to see things differently... and usually more sharply.  age, experience, & the wisdom of community all season our understandings.  that doesn't necessarily mean our earlier conclusions were completely inaccurate.  but at the very least, it means our thoughts were truncated at the time we chose to express them. 

for awhile at northwoods & again at westwinds, i hung one of my favorite c.s. lewis/chronicles of narnia (prince caspian) quotes on the door of my office.  (the movie misquotes it, by the way)  i did it to remind myself that i will ever be in process... because that's just too easy for me to forget.  the quote is taken from the part of the book when lucy comments to aslan that he's grown bigger since she last saw him. but aslan corrects her and says, "i have not.  but every year you grow, you will find me bigger."

fascinating.

so... what if we embraced that reality?

what if i wrote & spoke & taught (especially about G*D) with a more conscious awareness that even with my most diligent research & prayer... my conclusions would ever be marred... or more accurately, developing?

and what if when i read a book, or listened to a message, or experienced a play... instead of watching with right/wrong, good/bad glasses over my eyes... what if i gave space in my thinking for the 'before & after' journey of the actor, writer, or teacher? 

and what if i grabbed hold of the reality of my own journey as well?  ...ever acknowledging that whatever i am experiencing at the time is interestingly contributing somehow to my ever unfinished finish?

wouldn't we find ourselves dialoguing rather than marking our scorecards?  wouldn't teachers encourage their listeners to think thoughts that beg for clarification... and promote development rather than create an educational system that gives "a"s to students who regurgitate their professor's conclusions?

synagogue life often was about dialogue & debate.  the thought of being right was secondary to the process of communally engaging the collision of life & the scriptures for the purpose of personal and consensual transformation.

when's the last time you were part of a church that intentionally created space for hatching & "adolesc-ing" followers to stimulate their growth plates by questioning the ramblings of the resident theologian?  when's the last time you heard of a university professor who graded her students based upon their vigorous interaction with the ideologies of the tenured lecturer?  when's the last time you attended a play and were invited to stick around afterwards for a discussion that encouraged the intersection of the audience's multi-layered responses with the various actor's interpretations of their roles?

it's what most teachers, writers, actors, musicians, painters, & speakers ultimately hope for, no doubt... ...to trigger the disorientation... ...to goad the tapestry.  but how seldom do we create space for it to flourish?

is it because we have lost the skill of dialogue?  or are we just too busy?  have we become so arrogant that we truly think our conclusions are that infallible?  are we fearful that someone less-experienced or poorly-trained may shed some light that exposes our humanity?  have we forgotten how to delight in the wonder of serendipitous transformation?  have we become fearful of the rejection of those who expect us to have it all figured out?  have we so personalized our thoughts that they have become more god to us than the G*D who through them we squint to see?

i fear that too many of our sunday services have become seminars that unconsciously exalt professionals who tell us what to think or do... or worse yet, just keep us coming back.  and in the process... we stop thinking... and the value of relationship is diminished.  and we do it all in the name of giftedness.  "he has 'the gift' and i don't"... forgetting that lecture is simply one wrench in the community's toolbox of edification.

but in spite of the reality that many have a much higher i.q. than i... i'm thankful that "influence" is not relegated to the experts... at least not in G*D's economy.  rather, it's an important part of the imago dei-ness that G*D bestows on us all. 

the one thing that we all do is influence... whether by our interaction or by our silence & absence.

so... what have you been thinking lately?  and who are you thinking it with?  and how are your interactions influencing what you think?  and how are you creating better thinkers in those with whom you connect?  and who are you avoiding and how is that vacuum diminishing your formation?  and what are you afraid to say?

love isn't having to be right.  love learns to show respect to a person and their journey toward conclusions, while at times challenging those conclusions.  love honors the transmogrification process in us all... and humbly admits there may be many factors that will influence our current position.

one, of which, may be the next person who crosses your path today.  or maybe you'll be their's.  or you might be that for each other.

how many "kaleisions" (a kaleidoscopic collision) will you experience today?  i guess the answer is really up to each of us individually.

and when we invite G*D into each moment... doesn't it all become one big kaleision anyway?

easy to be hard...

back in my f.w.b.c. days, i was in the group "covenant".  we had a lot of fun together... traveling the countryside singing at every tiny church that could muster up enough family to come hear us.  i remember mary's stomach growling literally everytime she took a deep breath.  i remember the trouble sherman and i used to get into... and the day i accidentally took an embarrassing picture while on easter tour... the story of which followed me back to campus and is still good for laughs to this day.  i remember the game in the van that would break out spontaneously every time duke almost killed us while he was behind the wheel... "it's time to play... ...meet... your... maker!!!!"... that is until our 'more-mature-than-the-rest-of-us' leader decided we had crossed the line into sacriledge.

good times.

once at a conference for tons of pastors & their spouses, i was setting up a song and said something to the effect that ministry would be a whole lot more fun if it wasn't for all the people.  to which i got a huge sigh of agreement from the crowd... so huge that it caught me off guard and gave me a sense that i had just said something that was more true than my experience could yet comprehend.

sadly... now that i've aged... i better understand.  it's the reality that drives many pastors out of the ministry.  we got into this thing to get things done... to transform the church... to change the world... to preach the gospel.  and somewhere along the way, we ruffle feathers in the process of going where we want to go.  (some of us more than others)  and with the ruffles come conversations that require a lot of time and energy. 

it's a guaranteed part of the job. 

as a card-carrying member of the 'ruffling church' movement... we have more 'conversations' than many churches.  (probably not... but it feels that way sometimes)

coming to westwinds was a huge challenge.  i knew that following in the footsteps of a strong founding pastor was equal to commiting professional suicide.  if we hadn't have adopted a shared leadership approach... i'm not sure any of us would have survived.  and i guess the jury's still out to some degree.

pastoring a church in recovery is hard in and of itself.  pastoring an innovative, emerging church in recovery should earn us all spots on 'the apprentice.'  it's been as incredibly rewarding as it has been overwhelming.  were it not for the clear direction of G*D to come here... on many occasions i would have concluded we had done the wrong thing.

that being said... the reality is that there are challenging aspects to any ministry context.  i just wish that someone had told me that most of those challenges would come with skin... and lips... and eyes... and fingers... and teeth.  definitely teeth.

it's in those conversations that i find it most difficult to be the 'servant leader' that i'm supposed to be.  the pleaser side of me wants to make sure everyone is heard, feels loved... convicted that there is a solution to make everyone happy.  the determined part of me wants to ignore the complaints, set my sights on the goal, and charge through whatever or whomever is standing in my way, and expect people to be satisfied with the half full glass.

it's easy to hit a wall where you feel like these conversations are competing with ministry.  and most sr. pastor's i've known eventually conclude that since they can't please everyone, they won't even try... or at the minimum they draw a line between themselves and "the complainers" and call it their defining moment as a true leader.  they give themselves permission to "follow G*D" (meaning, they have reached a level of leadership that allows them to push past complainers to accomplish their convictions.)  they've determined that their strong leadership is their service to their community.  isn't that what a good leader does... lead people where they don't realize they need to go? 

hard to argue with.

most people would assume that i fall more naturally on the relational side.  but more accurately, i have an "assessment" personality... meaning that in most situations i assess things, determine what is lacking... and assume that role.  and since i tend to find myself connected to strong leaders, most see me as the balance guy.  the sensitive pastor.  the servant.  i've played that role so many times and gotten so good at it... i sometimes get lost in the role!  (no, i'm not the middle child!) 

often in hopes of counteracting a perceived imbalance, I'll tend to give way too much time to listening and wanting everyone to be happy... convinced that if we'd just listen to people, we'd all end up more like Jesus and get more done even though it might take longer to get there. 

equally hard to argue with.

but in reality... i can only listen so long before my pendulum swings back to full throttle task mode and i find myself internally purchasing a large and powerful steam-roller.  (although i've gotten pretty good at hiding it)

but more and more i'm convinced that servant leadership is not an "either/or" thing, but another one of those "both/and"s. 

i hate that.  it's so much easier to be "either/or"... to lock the pendulum on one side or the other... or to do that 'swing back & forth between extremes' thing.

G*D's been reminding me that it's in the "both/and" that transformation tends to happen... in me... and in those who happen to be beside me along the way.  it's in the messy-ness of relationship that i am forced to confront who i am.  it's where i'm challenged to become all that G*D desires of me... to grow in what it means to be a leader and servant... to be sensitive and strong... to remember that 'the drive' and 'the destination' cannot be mutually exclusive... that they are both the work of ministry.

how do i do that?  good question.

the truth is, i don't know.  i guess that's why life (whether lived as a leader or as a follower) has to be an honest & dynamic interaction with G*D instead of a manual or best-selling book.  there's no one posture that is the correct answer.  except... i guess, the posture of minute by minute dependency on The-One-I-Follow who is also The-One-I-Never-Lead.

lord... keep me from conclusions that give me permission to be less than who you're asking me to be in the moment... whether strong or sensitive or somehow both.  remind me that love is not optional, but that it's not always 'nice' either.  and keep me from the kind of discernment & wisdom that fights you when you're trying to get at my ears with the q-tip.

more juice please...

last week... after several discussions with john & dave... we agreed that i would assume a part-time role at westwinds for now.  my next scans will be at the end of march... and if they continue to show nothing... i'll jump back in full-time.

i think it's a wise decision.

many had advised me to go slow and pace myself.

physically, it hasn't been that challenging to return.  yet during the last few weeks, i was shocked to experience how much my skills had atrophied... like being in someone else's body trying to convince it to do things it had never done before.  only... much of the tug-of-war was with my brain.  often it feels like i'm just a second or two out of sync with everything.

on my first sunday back, during the 3rd fusion... the constant ring in my head was joined by a tingling feeling from the neck up.  almost like someone walked up behind me... found a loose wire hanging out of my brain...  and connected a low current electrical charge.

combined with some light-headedness at times... and 2 eye bleeds in 10 days... i emailed my doc and asked if i should be concerned.  sometimes the effects of chemo don't present themselves for months.  "chris, is this normal?"  i wasn't sure if this was just something i'd need to learn to live with... or a symptom of a new development in the cancer.  i laughed when he replied, "well, being an oncologist, i always have to find out if it's oncological."  now that's a sentence you don't hear everyday!  anyway... an mri was ordered and thankfully the results were fine.

so... unless we're able to track it down as something else... i find myself asking G*D to remove it... or to at least give me the ability to live well with it.

after going through an intense medical condition... like many others, i've been trained to be more aware of all that's going on in my body.  that's a good thing most of the time.  but it also crams questions inside my skull.  i find myself having conversations with myself... debating as to whether or not it's something i need to tell my doc about or not.  the farther i get from my treatment, the less i allow myself to have those head-talks.  i don't want to ignore the signs... but i don't see any point in over-analysis.  getting used to the light-headedness and the numbness is challenging, but do-able.  i'm just praying it doesn't get worse.

anyway... that was another reason we thought it prudent to be part-time for now.

it will also help me to continue to do more research into the questions i've had of late... without feeling like i'm cutting into ww time.  i'm about half way through boyd's book and am finding it fascinating.  i hope to post about it soon.

hmm.  the thought came to mind just now... that maybe the tingling in my head isn't a bad thing at all.  i mean... sometimes things that feel bad at the time are in reality a sign of something good happening... only we don't yet see it as good.

it's fun to think that maybe that "low current" feeling is somehow a sign of the good reality i'm experiencing these days.

although returning to work has had it's challenges... it's been great to be back.  being part-time, i don't feel the pressure to swim the current at the same pace as the rest of the staff.  it's giving me permission to wade in... to play on the banks... and to get used to the tug at my feet.  and being part of the staff mix again is nudging me to load up with a few items that i didn't need in my backpack during this past year.  walking sticks that feel like old friends with whom i've shared the climb of a thousand mountain trails.  co-journeymen through this "just a little more time" terrain G*D is mercifully granting me.

so... maybe this feeling in my head isn't a bad thing... but kind of like the reality that G*D is hooking me up to a trickle charger... restoring me to full strength.

hmmm.......

if that's the case... ...i could learn to live with that.

take me back...

this morning i decided to go back through my unposted posts (those entries that for some reason didn't make it to the blog) and either make them postworthy or just get rid of them.  i found this one that i'd written in march of this year.  i'm not sure why i didn't post it.  but it connects with some things i've been wrestling with lately... or still.  so... even though it's a bit humbling to see my inaction... i'm going to publish it now for several reasons.

1. it reminds me that although i "planned" for it... i still didn't follow through with it.  ouch!  sure... partly because of the health issues i've wrestled with, and partly because of budget constraints... but i'm not sure those are good enough excuses for zilch implementation.  so there might be some lessons about myself that i need to learn here.
2. when it comes time for me to return to ww, i want to remember these thoughts... and actually do something with them.  not because i feel guilty or anything... but because i believe they're important.
3. i need to plow my mind by considering ways in which this should change the way i parent.
4. the essence of this post resonates with something deep inside me... which often means that it's key to the ongoing work G*D is doing within me.

i think ben's probably done a much better job of stuffing this into his ministry.  anyway... it's a little long, but here goes.

ben and i have been doing some thinking.  not as unusual as you might guess!

here at westwinds... we utilze the term "iPac" to convey our essential values.

iPac stands for... imagination... perMission... authenticity... and community.

we're sold on the concept that G*D has given each of us the ability to dream of life & the world being different... and that "imagining" is a formational competency that can nudge us to embrace our role in the redemptive plan for creation.

so... as we grow in our faith, dreaming should really follow as a by-product of our developing relationship with Jesus. as our minds are transforming, we become more & more like G*D... who is amazingly creative. 

sure... it's not listed in scripture as a "fruit" of the Spirit.  but i understand the "fruit" listed in galatians ("love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, self-control, faithfulness, etc.) simply & profoundly as examples of the elements of a transforming life...  markers in the process of salvation and restoration.

by that, I mean they are the variables in the equation... the active ingredients of the kingdom... the very elements that bring chaos to a happily dysfunctional world.  they're like those taste-tempters at the grocery store that tempt you to buy something by giving you a taste of the product.  but more than that... they deliver the very nature of G*D to a world that can't quite figure out what's missing from it all.

and wherever they show up... in whomever they show up... things change.  life becomes different.  the calibrated loops are smashed... the unimaginable is replaced with the amazing.  the exiled mind becomes free.

consider it as new eyes to see the possibilities... the redemptive & restorative things G*D is doing... the ability to imagine the plan of The Clever One... and maybe to realize that "creation" isn't simply a noun.

we may not consider ourselves to be creative.  but maybe we should... for to not see oneself as having a creative personality is to fail to recognize G*D's desire to infuse us with the power and ability to see beyond those basic things that exist in the minds of those who fail or refuse to acknowledge more than what their astigmatic eyes allow them to see.

anyway... we've both been troubled with the lack of dreaming in our people.  just because we make something a core value and we teach about it doesn't mean they start living it.  most of us are too dependent on others to herd us in the right direction.  often pastors pass off leadership as permission to get people to do what we want them to do.  they say, "if no one is following, you're not a leader." we reason that people only move when they are told to move.  in other words... everything rises and falls on leadership.  and while i'm certainly not against leadership... (and not just because i need a paycheck)... i do, however, think that G*D intended for more of us, maybe most, to be led by him rather than charismatic personalities... or even clever & effective programs.  it's just too "normal" for us to fall into the ruts of "simon says"... swapping that dynamic relationship with the One who we're supposed to be following with the easy road of following the dreams of the leader of the pack.  it's too easy for the church to train people to depend more on a strong leader than training them to see themselves as independent... or more correctly... G*D dependent.

i'm digressing...

retraining our people to dream is something we're going to devote serious energy to this year. rather than creating more things for them to do...  we're hoping to help them engage the imagination they lost through years of living in the darkness of the neighboring kingdom.  leading our people to dream, try, fail, and do things in less than perfect ways, will undoubtedly be a challenge... if nothing else to our own pride because i'm convinced they will probably do bigger and better things!  too often our leadership styles (mine included) attempts to control people rather than free them.  and it's so much easier to just tell people what to do.  and frankly... people would sometimes prefer us to just tell them what to think and do!  and sure... we may have to get them started or design programs that provide training wheels.  but how exciting to think of that day when we run behind them as they pedal beyond our reach!

we imagine that much of what will be involved for the typical recovering non-dreamers, will feel a bit like becoming a kid again.  children are so much more naturally creative than grown-ups.

so... we came up with the term "crayology" as a way of expressing this new formational competency... mixing the concepts of imagination with our thoughts of G*D... to suggest that godly imagination is critical to changing this world.  and let me say it one more time to remind myself.  it's not just imagination that we're hoping to spark inside the minds of Christ-followers (although that may be a good first step)... it's G*Dly imagination.  that is, imagination bulging with the leadings and promptings that ensure our dreams are not self-promoting... but the kind that will stretch us beyond "cool" and "easy" when it comes to fleshing them out into the real world.

we'll see where it all goes... but the concept has already found its way into the journey guide i've been writing.

so... how do you imagine that things could be different?  what dream or nudge has G*D put inside you lately... or maybe it's been there a long time?  you know the one.  the one that seems a bit crazy or uncomfortable?

have you ever considered that maybe it's not just a silly dream.  maybe it or some part of it is the movement of G*D.

so... why not have a little fun with it?  why not talk with G*D about it and explore what he's teaching you through it... or leading you to do because it churns inside you?

and if nothing comes to your mind... try asking yourself these questions... and talking with your Creator about your ideas.

• who has G*D been bringing to your mind these days?  in what ways do you imagine G*D is working or wants to work in their life/lives?  talk with G*D about it... then listen and dream.  what is one thing you could do to join that work?
• who are you especially thankful for lately?  what is one thing you could do to show them your appreciation... or to bless them somehow?  (maybe even secretly!)
• is there some community, church or world cause that is heavy on your mind?  discuss that with G*D.  what is one thing you could do to make some impact?

whatever that dream inside looks like... and even though maybe you feel it's just a crude preschool drawing in your mind at this point... G*D thinks it's fantastic!  and wants to hang it on his fridge, so to speak. 

if nothing else... celebrate the reality that it means G*D is on the move... inside you!

crayology.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

ephesians 3.20-21 (NIV)

little followers...

this week i've been following a discussion thread from scot mcknight's blog... jesus creed.  click here to read along.  he started out commenting on 2 books he'd read recently by people who had left the faith.  his posts always create conversation... which is why i love them.  and rarely does he moderate the comments.  he just sits back and listens to the conversation... and learns.

predictably, one aspect of the comment flurry focused around the whole challenge to raise kids who continue to embrace Jesus long past the "my-parents-made-me-go" years.  and of course... people had all sorts of ideas.

interesting to me, however, was the absence of any discussion about the importance of making sure christian education (whether in the home or in the church) isn't boring.  seems like today, the trend is to spend boocoo money on a really cool and fun environment.  the discussion didn't speak against that strategy.  it just didn't mention it.

instead... the emphasis was on the importance of authenticity in education... and working with the questions that developing kids and youth have.  it especially poo-pooed any environment that trained kids to learn all the right answers to all the right questions.  in other words... a learning environment that gave the impression that the teachers/leaders were the experts telling kids what to think... as opposed to being guides that listen closely to the confusion and questions the stories of scripture naturally evoke in the minds of kids... was almost unanimously discouraged.  the big wave was to push the kids to think... interact... wrestle with the clashes between their thoughts and what they are learning in scripture.

which got me wondering.

does today's "let's have fun at church while we learn" mentality do a better/worse/or equal job of helping grow little Jesus followers than the days of flannelgraph did? 

of course... no one wants to their kids to be bored at church.  so... let's hear it for fun!  but... how much should "fun" & "cool" or even "hi-tech" drive the program?  and let's not forget that the jury's still out as to whether or not those mega-buck kids ministries really help kids past the normal humps of life in the real world.

this weekend at ww, lori tate, our kid's journey designer is unveiling our new kids ministry model. we have a sweet building... but let's just say that kid's space wasn't a priority.  so finally, even with the slow econonmy of jackson, some great people have spent tons of time re-doing the rooms to create a hyper-cool interactive environment.

but what i'm most excited to see is how these new rooms facilitate lori's desire for her leaders to key into the hearts and minds of the kids who will fill them.  ideally she's hoping it will rotate the kids through various environments where they can express themselves in different ways, interact with the stories of G*D, and ask any question they want among leaders who care about them enough to listen... ...rather than cool presentation rooms that stamp right answers on their foreheads while they have a blast or sit and watch a super-slick pre-packaged presentation.  i'm out of the loop from ww during this "leave", but i'm guessing it will be a lot less presentational than what most children's ministry formats push these days.  that doesn't mean it will automatically be better.

and... does this mean all of these kids will grow to be christ-followers past the stage when kids typically jump ship?

no.

but... hopefully... they will have learned that thinking... and asking questions is actually a good thing... especially in church or at home. 

i'm praying for you, lori!

diamonds in the... ...ralph?

sometimes faith is resting from the fight.

sometimes it's resting while you fight.

and sometimes it's fighting to find rest.

yesterday beth drove me back to u of m for labs and the i.v. hydration routine that's become standard after my treatments.  i've almost come to the point of becoming physically ill when i walk into the place.  i can't wait for this to be over and to feel somewhat normal.  i refuse to allow myself to think about the possibility that the end of this cancer chapter is anything but near.

for some reason my stomach doesn't seem to be bouncing back quite as quickly this round.  i've convinced myself that almost any other symptom would be better than the sick feeling in my gut.  not quite bad enough to make me hurl... but enough to continually remind me that it's there.  of course... there are a lot worse things that could be happening.  as ian's been telling people lately when they ask how i'm doing... "dad's just sick & tired of being sick & tired."

at the same time... i have to admit that i'm noticing a shift these days.  it feels almost like a depressing reality being fundamentally altered by a sense that G*D is strangely present... and up to something wonderful.

on one hand... i'm useless these days.  of course that's not true... but it is how i feel. 

1. i have no energy.  (tuesday i convinced myself i could make a quick trip to the store.  fool that i am!)
2. my memory is so sketchy these days that beth has to continually cover for me in conversations. 
3. i feel incapable of doing any of the standard things around the home that used to reassure me that in some sense "i'm still head of the household." 
4. more is getting done (and in my areas of responsibility!) in the few months that i've been away frm my job at ww than i managed to accomplish in the 2 years i'd been there before. 
5. all... and i do mean "all" of my body muscle is melting away.  (and as you know, i wasn't exactly "arnold" before all this.) 

i'll stop there.

on the other hand...  ...i'm not depressed about all this (or at least i'm not at the moment)

...just last night i was thinking about some very cool things G*D is doing in me... in our family... in our church.  hard times... but good times.  how can i not but fall to my knees and give thanks?

although... it's all very humbling... and painfully remindful that i have very little control over the fruit that magically explodes onto the branches around me... or doesn't.

it's all a gift.

always was... always will be.

we just get to unwrap it from time to time.

and other times... all we can do is watch.

either way... it's our pleasure to delight in the creativity and craftsmanship of The Artist.