fogparty

it's about time...

we were talking about who-knows-what that day when the clock began to chime.  each time i hear those sounds my soul is instantly shipped to grandpa & grandma campbell's old farm near huntington... to so many unique experiences... and to feelings that are hard to explain, but somehow important... these days, especially.

yoda loves me...

that's what i read on a bumper sticker the other day.

maybe it's plain old road-rage... but i have to admit that i find myself respecting people with bumper stickers less than other motorists.

i hate bumper stickers.

i view them as traveling billboards that add useless noise to the landscape.

but i also gotta admit... this one got me thinking...

...wondering what in the world was going on in that driver's grey matter!

was he mocking the "god loves me" b.s. crowd?  or the "jesus loves me" bunch?

was he a sci-fi geek?  or just a star wars fanatic obsessed with wookieepedia or maybe yoda-speak?

hmmmmm.  never know, i will.

it's funny how the weirdest things stick in your mind... like a random ridiculous bumper sticker.  but since seeing it, i've thought about how too many times american christianity hasn't seemed a whole lot different from a "yoda loves me" kind of faith... a drummed up ideology based on a wish that someone is out there who cares about them... a fortune cookie feeling that gets them through the day... a way of training their thoughts away from an empty existence they might be wading through... a hope based upon something they were taught as a child.

there have been times when i've been there too... more recently than i'd care to admit.

one of the reasons i sky-dived into ministry in the first place was because i wanted to help unstick the church from the yoda-ness i'd grown up under.

so... if there's one thing i've never wanted... it was a yoda-faith.  but i'm realizing i'd become more of a yodish-pastor than i thought i was.  so... in some way this ejection from professional ministry has the opportunity to be a spiritual healing of sorts.

at the same time... it's not something you just quit.  i can't just behave my heart to some place it's not.  but i don't think G*D expects me to either.  he just tugs me to be the fullest me i know to be right now... not the me someone else expects me to be... or the me i expect myself to be.  he just wants me to be alive to the "this moment" me.

sometimes faith is putting one foot in front of the other and hoping that somehow Jesus has got you pointed halfway in the right direction.

jenn & i started a college study in our home recently.  i'm lovin' it because it allows me to hang with people who are honest & thinking... often with questions pumped fresh from their aortas.  the post high school years are when most of us integrate Jesus into the core of our existence or... choose to keep him as a rabbit foot in our pocket or... trade him in for another belief system that seems more practical.

an important time for sure.

for many of them, the "come to Jesus" experience they once had has faded into little more than a code to follow to some imaginary world or system of social reform... yoda-ology.  and that's too often what they've gotten from the church & various campus ministries.  but they're looking for a christianity that is gritty and raw... able to handle their questions and dilemmas... one that feels fresh & alive.  if following Jesus is simply about all the musts & mustn'ts of morality or social justice... they'd just as soon trade-in their baseball cards.

i want to give them an integrated perspective... some place between the behavior modification "training vs. trying" approach to spiritual formation and the mystical "follow the Spirit" approach.  it's funny how most us tend to throw our weight to one side or the other.  but since the "training" model seems to have saturated the church circles i exist in these days, i have to counter that "be like Jesus" emphasis with the "be with Jesus" emphasis... helping them capture & enjoy & interact with the movement of G*D.

i want them to see G*D active in their world... constantly moving in & around them.  i want it for myself as well.

i can't train them to pretend G*D is real and expect them to end up with anything other than a yoda god.  faith grows by being attentive to the evidence... the movement... then climbing upon it to stand, dance & stretch out our hands into the chaos, hoping that eventually our fingertips will skim across the hem of G*D's robe in the form of further evidence to scramble onto.

i see our faith journey as more of an interaction... a dance between certainty & confusion and intellect & emotion.  not just a dance with a belief system, but a waltz with The Unique One... the intersection between heaven & earth.

there's a difference in the peace that comes from convincing ourselves that something is real & true... or from training ourselves to act like something is real & true... or from behaving as though something is real & true...

...and the peace which comes from having lunch with That Someone just now.

i guess i've just seen too many times how our suitcase tends to be packed with the wares of christianity... that is, disciplines, programs, systems of thinking & acting, etc... rather than with Jesus himself.  we sell a beautifully wrapped gift that conceals a brown cardboard box of do's & don'ts and spiritual workout plans and tantalizing programs that all too often create growth-killing pressure & busyness.

of course we can't live totally on feelings & experiences.  and i believe there are times when G*D will refine us to ensure our love is more for him than for the feelings that come from being with him.

but the kingdom of G*D wasn't meant to be a boot camp.  it wasn't meant to be a paint by number picture.

it was meant to be a ball in the castle... a just before midnight dance with The King... a 3rd sudden-death in the stanley cup.

yes.  for now, it may be a fogparty.

but it won't be for long.

contemplating the why of luke 4...

there will not be a test to see which of you reads my blog... or the longer posts.  (and this is a long one!)  like i've said before... these are more my own journal thoughts than anything else.

in my "sketching Jesus" post... which was a continuation of my "luke four-ensics" post... i doodled my reflections from luke chapter four where luke billboards our eyes to a Jesus who is exploding into his full identity.  at least that's what i think is one of the big things going on in the text.  of course, you might have concluded long ago that i've got way too much time on my hands these days.

why is it valuable for us to grasp that Jesus grew into and ultimately chose his destiny?

well... to ice what some of my friends have suggested... i think watching The GODman develop on the canvas through the stories of scripture is important on several layers.  partly because it helps us understand that Jesus truly does know what it feels like to be us... to chug the struggle of life.

luke's chapter four vignette tempts us to recognize that our fight, like Jesus', is the fight for LIFE built into the process of everyday growth.  to embrace Jesus' formation taunts us to think carefully about our own... to consider our potential... to discard who we've thought we were or have been told we are or even have become convinced we are... and choose to embrace who we were created to be.  it calls us to deny ourselves... and read the script G*D is handing us for the play that is about to begin.  it woos us to sense that the curtain is rising... and to embrace our supporting roles in healing the world.  it tempts us to live in the kingdom of G*D when everything around us shouts that we are serfs in a kingdom of another kind.

reading luke 4 and the stories that encase it, i can't help but contemplate what he might have experienced as he grew... as he entered the boxing ring each day.

how fascinating to consider that Jesus traveled the same paths as you and i... discovering what he was good at, and not so good at... feeling the nudges that gently shoved him toward bigger roles... and to eventually opening the invitation to headline in the biggest story of all time.

i contemplate a pre-teen Jesus... becoming more & more sensitive to the inertia & stench of lives rotting from years of disconnection from The Giver of LIFE...wondering how he might help to reverse it all.

i'm dazed at the thought of a pubescent Jesus... juggling all the new developments in his brain & body while sniffing the reality that he's different somehow from all the other guys.

did he lie awake at night... sometimes afraid... sometimes restless with ideas to address the discord, bigotry & hatred that seemed to engulf his little community?  did he wrestle at times... wanting simply to settle down in a nice carpentry job, find a little house and raise a family in the suburbs of Nazareth... arguing that he wasn't cut out to save the world?  did the immense depravity that surrounded him ever cause him to lose hope and fear that the grip of humanity was too strong to be loosened?

did he struggle over the absurdity that oozed from the common stupidity of mankind?  or was there a smile ever errupting beneath his joy soaked skin... saturated with the awareness of his D*D's fingerprints that covered everything & everyone he encountered?

did he wince at the cruelty of nature that seemed to pounce upon the unsuspecting, like a giant whip, lashing cataclysmic despair and agony?

and how did his love for G*D grow?  was it always strong... or did it feel like a distant memory that surprised his heart when he walked the beach in the early sunlight on his way for a little fishing?  did his own mind fight the questions of eternity... and struggle for words to offer his cynical friends as they sat in synagogue and mocked the stories of samson, joseph, noah & gideon?

how did he connect the dots that led him to full awareness of his identity?  is it conceivable that Jesus spent weeks, maybe years putting pieces together that subtly pointed to clues deeply embedded in his heart that overtime matched the scriptures read to him as a child?

scenarios i'll never know the answers to... but ones that help me to appreciate a developing Jesus.

speaking from my own life sketches... on a very different level than his... every one of those nudges, hints & clues has felt like a fork in the road experience.  and i can't imagine it feeling any differently for him.

as Jesus' life modeled for us, these questions always cohabit with door handles... and vice versa.  one always leading to the other.  the other always leading to the one.  a long hard journey taken one step at a time, with each step possessing the potential to be the first and the last.

why is it important for us to see Jesus as fully man and not just G*D shrouded with an earth-suit?

his human journey informs my journey.

even now... as i face yet another round of treatment and some major changes... i'm hit with the prospect that i must re-invent myself for this next phase of life.  the trickster tempts me to turn inward... to rest from the dance... to stare at the clock striking midnight.  at times his words are so very enticing.

like an aging dancer... or painter losing his eyesight, the parts i've played so comfortably don't seem to be magically appearing before my feet as they've done so many times before.  and our culture's infatuation with youthfulness only makes the hill ahead appear steeper.

there's much to slow me down... lies that tempt me to surrender to a lesser call and ignore any recognition that this time & place is just as good and valid as any other point in my history.

what could i do that could compare with what i've done?  a foolish question to be sure.

in my saner moments, i realize that it's less about me figuring it all out, as much as it is about me reading the many signals he's freshly stamping upon my life... listening for that familiar Voice... pushing aside distractions of pride, slothfulness, lust, envy, self-preservation... and then stepping up to the plate.

for me... that's what these weeks are about more than "treatment" or even "surviving" another round in the ring...

...more than "renovation", "recalibration" or "rebirth".  more than getting back to something...

...they're about being with Someone.

 

in reality... that's what they've always been about.

 

listening... humbling myself... so that i can become whomever he wants me to be right now... this very moment... whether there are more moments to come or not.  "now" is all that matters in the kingdom of LIFE.

these days aren't about finding the role.  they are about following cues from The Director.

they're about transition to something new.

they're about birth.

they're not about a remake or revision of an earlier role... a re-made me.

they're about becoming someone new.

the questions satan asked Jesus in the wilderness were not just his questions.  they hint at the same questions that tempt us all at those fork-in-the-road times in our lives.  and luke wanted us to be assured that Jesus knows what they feel like.  he understands how they play in our minds.

and that we don't have to be alone in it all.  Immanuel is still with us.  here to guide... direct... comfort... cuddle... encourage... challenge... and forgive.

that is, if we let him.

if i let him.

that wasn't who i am...

joe & i were talking the other morning about some guy who wrote a book, then later regretted writing it because he no longer believed what he'd written.

ouch!  it's a risky thing to etch your thoughts into concrete.

but then we got to thinking.  are we really that different from that guy?  don't we all to some degree or another look back at what we've thought or said or done with a certain level of horror?

so... with that in mind... our conversation carried us to wondering how things would be so much different if we wrote... or performed... or spoke... or lived (or read, watched & listened) factoring in that reality.  we dreamt together about how formational environments would change, if we became teachers & students with different expectations... with an altered awareness.

i mean.  usually when you write or deliver a message, you attempt to get everything right.  you want people to walk away convinced that what you put out to them was top stuff... on the mark.  of course, you acknowledge that you don't know everything about everything... but still you try to be fresh & thorough with your conclusions and hope that you've gotten most things right.

but one delusion of the modern era seems to have resulted in a christian culture that expects its preachers and teachers and writers and scholars to get everything right.  we expect to hear 'the' correct take on that verse or passage.  we want to hear 'the' authoritative conclusion about the scriptures.  after all... aren't we paying them to get it right?  and if we don't like or agree with what we hear... we simply drive across town to sit at the feet of someone who thinks like we do... ...or we start a new church. 

we end up creating gatherings of agreement... rather than communities of engagement and transformation.

unfortunately, many ministers have caved to the pressure.  (myself included, way too often)

but like that guy joe & i were talking about... the reality is that even though hindsight may not be exactly 20/20, still it tends to at least to see things differently... and usually more sharply.  age, experience, & the wisdom of community all season our understandings.  that doesn't necessarily mean our earlier conclusions were completely inaccurate.  but at the very least, it means our thoughts were truncated at the time we chose to express them. 

for awhile at northwoods & again at westwinds, i hung one of my favorite c.s. lewis/chronicles of narnia (prince caspian) quotes on the door of my office.  (the movie misquotes it, by the way)  i did it to remind myself that i will ever be in process... because that's just too easy for me to forget.  the quote is taken from the part of the book when lucy comments to aslan that he's grown bigger since she last saw him. but aslan corrects her and says, "i have not.  but every year you grow, you will find me bigger."

fascinating.

so... what if we embraced that reality?

what if i wrote & spoke & taught (especially about G*D) with a more conscious awareness that even with my most diligent research & prayer... my conclusions would ever be marred... or more accurately, developing?

and what if when i read a book, or listened to a message, or experienced a play... instead of watching with right/wrong, good/bad glasses over my eyes... what if i gave space in my thinking for the 'before & after' journey of the actor, writer, or teacher? 

and what if i grabbed hold of the reality of my own journey as well?  ...ever acknowledging that whatever i am experiencing at the time is interestingly contributing somehow to my ever unfinished finish?

wouldn't we find ourselves dialoguing rather than marking our scorecards?  wouldn't teachers encourage their listeners to think thoughts that beg for clarification... and promote development rather than create an educational system that gives "a"s to students who regurgitate their professor's conclusions?

synagogue life often was about dialogue & debate.  the thought of being right was secondary to the process of communally engaging the collision of life & the scriptures for the purpose of personal and consensual transformation.

when's the last time you were part of a church that intentionally created space for hatching & "adolesc-ing" followers to stimulate their growth plates by questioning the ramblings of the resident theologian?  when's the last time you heard of a university professor who graded her students based upon their vigorous interaction with the ideologies of the tenured lecturer?  when's the last time you attended a play and were invited to stick around afterwards for a discussion that encouraged the intersection of the audience's multi-layered responses with the various actor's interpretations of their roles?

it's what most teachers, writers, actors, musicians, painters, & speakers ultimately hope for, no doubt... ...to trigger the disorientation... ...to goad the tapestry.  but how seldom do we create space for it to flourish?

is it because we have lost the skill of dialogue?  or are we just too busy?  have we become so arrogant that we truly think our conclusions are that infallible?  are we fearful that someone less-experienced or poorly-trained may shed some light that exposes our humanity?  have we forgotten how to delight in the wonder of serendipitous transformation?  have we become fearful of the rejection of those who expect us to have it all figured out?  have we so personalized our thoughts that they have become more god to us than the G*D who through them we squint to see?

i fear that too many of our sunday services have become seminars that unconsciously exalt professionals who tell us what to think or do... or worse yet, just keep us coming back.  and in the process... we stop thinking... and the value of relationship is diminished.  and we do it all in the name of giftedness.  "he has 'the gift' and i don't"... forgetting that lecture is simply one wrench in the community's toolbox of edification.

but in spite of the reality that many have a much higher i.q. than i... i'm thankful that "influence" is not relegated to the experts... at least not in G*D's economy.  rather, it's an important part of the imago dei-ness that G*D bestows on us all. 

the one thing that we all do is influence... whether by our interaction or by our silence & absence.

so... what have you been thinking lately?  and who are you thinking it with?  and how are your interactions influencing what you think?  and how are you creating better thinkers in those with whom you connect?  and who are you avoiding and how is that vacuum diminishing your formation?  and what are you afraid to say?

love isn't having to be right.  love learns to show respect to a person and their journey toward conclusions, while at times challenging those conclusions.  love honors the transmogrification process in us all... and humbly admits there may be many factors that will influence our current position.

one, of which, may be the next person who crosses your path today.  or maybe you'll be their's.  or you might be that for each other.

how many "kaleisions" (a kaleidoscopic collision) will you experience today?  i guess the answer is really up to each of us individually.

and when we invite G*D into each moment... doesn't it all become one big kaleision anyway?

sketching Jesus...

a while back i posted some "part one" thoughts from luke 4... the temptation of Jesus.  i had more in my mind at the time, but wasn't ready to spill it yet.  but often when i let scripture marinate, G*D has a way of placing the important stuff back on the front burner at just the right time.

anyway... in my "luke four-ensics" post, i focused on the thought that we rarely contemplate how much the humanness of Jesus affected him.  i'd like to take that thought one step further.  in fact, i think this passage invites us to flirt with the idea that just maybe Jesus had a hefty journey before he could slip into his "last-3-years-of-life" role as The Son of G*D.

i don't think i'm committing heresy when i suggest that Jesus wasn't born completely understanding his unique part in the bigger story.  nor do i think he just woke-up one day and realized he was different from everyone else in history.  we all grow into our roles, don't we?  even princes born into royalty must decide whether or not they will choose to live as royalty and embrace the responsibilities of the throne.  do we really think Jesus had any less of a journey toward grasping the true nature of all that G*D was calling him to be & do?

Jesus' story from beginning to the very end... (as in the garden before his crucifixion... and even on the cross itself)... was laced with choices that reguired him to decide whether or not he would follow G*D & his path or take the much easier route.  his GODness didn't negate that his man-ness had to choose.

we don't really have adequate ways of speaking about all this, of course.  the mystery of how someone can be fully G*D and at the same time fully man is forever beyond our comprehension.  but shouldn't that encourage us to gingerly consider the practicalities of the inconceivable?  (which is what i believe luke is inviting us to do.)

i'm thinking that much of what really is going on in the desert temptation account is the story of what happened as Jesus fully embraced his imago dei-ness and his GODness... his unique leading role as manGOD... the natural result of which was to be tested in that decision by the ultimate test-expert who hoped beyond hope to subvert the plan.

so... plug that reality into luke 4... and reconsider the devil's enticement... and see if it doesn't make it more powerful.

1.  "if you are the Son of G*D, tell this stone to become bread."
2.  "if you worship me, it will all be yours."
3.  "if you are the Son of G*D, throw yourself down from here."

how are these questions such big temptations unless they tug at the very core of Jesus' consciousness?  ...surely not simply because Jesus was starving for food, making satan's words somehow more threatening... as i was always taught to understand them.  it can only be because the devil was truly trying to get Jesus to either reject or abuse his divinity and divert him from any plan he might have to redeem creation.

still not convinced?

then consider luke's unique bookends to this temptation story.

on the left is Jesus' baptism story.  ever notice that in luke's version, he records G*D's post-baptism words as if they are addressed to Jesus?  "you are my Son, whom i love; with you i am well pleased."  not "this is my Son." why is luke the only version to record it this way?  and what would be the purpose of G*D saying this to Jesus unless he somehow needed to hear it?  if it was for the benefit of those watching, then "this" would have been more appropriate.

plus... isn't it fascinating that what luke writes next is a genealogy of Jesus' adopted human lineage through joseph.  (whose blood didn't even flow through Jesus' veins!)  why would he do that?  could he be pointing us to consider something?  i find it fascinating that the geneology begins with the words "he was the son, so it was thought, of joseph," and ends with "the son of adam, the son of G*D".  was luke chuckling with cleverness as he penned those words?  at the very least they remind us that even though Jesus wasn't just a man, he spent his first 30 years as one.

on the right of the temptation account... is the story of Jesus heading to his hometown and facing the comments & criticism from the very people who watched him grow up.  people who for three decades had considered him only to be "the son of joseph".  from my perspective... this is just as huge of a temptation as the one in the desert!  to stand in front of relatives and teachers and the community and come out as someone different/more than they've known you to be for years upon years?... a man from G*D at the very least?... the prophesied messiah?

tough stuff.

and did you ever notice that luke mentions twice that Jesus grew... once "in strength" and once "in wisdom and stature and in favor with G*D and men."?  luke is the only one who gives us the insight of a developing Jesus... a concept that is typically uncomfortable for christians.

so... why is all this important?

i've got my ideas.  but i'd love to hear anyone's thoughts before i do all the thinking for you. 

i don't usually write posts for the purpose of interacting with people... which is why i rarely respond to "comments".  but if you've got some ideas or would simply like to tell me i'm whacked... post a comment below... or send your thoughts in an email to [email protected] .  either way... i promise i'll respond.

crash... part final... can you hear it?

i've been waiting to post this final "crash" entry.  maybe more will come out later.  but the time is right for me to draw it to a close for now.

it's been almost exactly 6-months since that day in september when the fog consumed me.

i'm slowly adjusting to this new road.  but... i've still got so far to go.

at times i wish i could roll back the clock and have everything be as it was.  but... looking back... G*D never has allowed me to stay small in my thinking.  it seems he's always pushing me to see him in new ways... bigger ways... other ways.

i still don't have all the answers i'd like to have.  actually... it seems i have fewer than ever before. 

for some reason i just assumed age & experience would fill in more of the blanks.  instead it's covered a few of my answers with 'white out'... and re-written a bunch of the other ones in pencil.

i'm not sure i can say why things now are more okay than they were back in september.  but if i had to put my finger on it... i guess someplace along the way i realized i really missed him.  G*D, that is. 

the peace... the love... the forgiveness... the wisdom... the comfort... the sense of belonging... of meaning & purpose... the completion... the feeling of being "new" in spite of the mirror telling me otherwise.

i missed Jesus.

i came to the conclusion that life with him & lots of unanswered questions is far better than life alone & those same unanswered questions.

and when it all came down to it... he'd shown himself faithful to me on too many occasions.  i couldn't turn my back on him.

i remember when my parents decided to remarry each other after being divorced for 7 or 8 years.  i had prayed for that day to come for so long.  but after years of waiting, i'd finally given up and concluded they weren't right for each other. 

so the day my mother told me their plans... i asked her "do you love him?"  her response convinced me they'd be okay.

she said, "i don't think i ever really stopped."

someplace deep down inside i always new that.  i think it'd just been covered by so much pain that it took time for her to forgive... and re-engage those feelings.

i guess that's the place i came to a couple months back.  even though i don't have answers for why prayer isn't answered more often... or why horrible things happen to children... or how G*D makes everything right in the end... or exactly what he does and doesn't do in the world...

...when all is said and done, i just needed some time to vent my frustration... and learn to be more okay with all the un-answers.

a couple months back i told joe that it felt like G*D was gently saying to me,

"okay... so the fog's thicker than you ever thought it could be.  you can't change that.  so listen for the music... ...and get back to the dance."

and that's the journey i've been on for a couple months.  not that all the pain & questions are gone.  but in spite of it... in spite of them...  ...i'm starting to listen for the music again.

i can't say that's exactly come easily.

for a while i tried "dancing" without the music... hoping it would magically appear.  but that's not how it works.  you just can't boogie without music.  at the very least it's got to be in your head.

you just have to listen for it.  and to do that... sometimes you have to push everything else out.

i'm still pretty numb inside, but glimpses of emotion occasionally shoot through my cold heart.  sometimes communication feels a bit strained.  and i'm sure we'll still wrestle, he and i.  but i think he's okay with that.  and usually i discover while i was fighting... he was moving in for a big-ol' bear-hug.

so i hope i can say that no matter what happens from here on out... we're good again.

i hope.

the story's not over yet.

luke four-ensics...

on a walk recently i was thinking about luke 4... the story where Jesus is in the middle of nowhere for 40 days... without food... forced to share a pup tent with the devil... and then launches his semi-overt ministry as the manGOD.

for some reason this "man vs. wild" passage has always intrigued me.

for starters... verse 2 is very curious.

"...where for forty days he was tempted by the devil.  He ate nothing during those days, and at the end of them he was hungry."  (NIV)

of course he was hungry!!!  he hadn't eaten for almost a month and a half!!!  and i'm pretty sure he was hungry starting at about day 3!

only one translation that i could find interprets it as "at the end of them he was very hungry", suggesting that's when he was at his lowest, rather than when his hunger finally kicked in. which is probably more how how we all tend to adjust the text.  and likely why i've thought the story was about Jesus fasting & praying for forty days in prep for the big test at the end.

but that's not what it says.  it says that he was tempted for 40 days.  whether the devilish encounter described in verses 3-13 constitute a final testing on day 40 or 41... or whether they are the story of what happened during the 40 days... we can't be sure.  i know i tend to read the 3 temptations as though they all took place in about 15 minutes.  but when i think about it... i'm sure it wasn't so neat & tidy... ...& efficient.

there's about 75 acres of once wooded land close to our house that was cleared to become a food bank for sand and gravel hunters.  then it was massaged in hopes of growing up to be a subdivision.  but now... because of our starved michigan economy... it lies in a coma.  naked. lifeless.  silent of color through every season.

anyway... on my walk through my next-door desert, i guess i was thinking about the passage and how tough it would be to not eat for that long... and to be tempted at the same time by the big bad subversive ex-angel for 960 hours.  and as i walked, somehow The Great Storyteller began hand-weaving the images & sensations with my feelings from this past year... as well as with what i imagined Jesus' wilderness/temptation feelings might have been.

and somehow my brain jumped to thinking about how when it comes to Jesus, i tend to exalt the cross-sufferings way over his normal-life-sufferings.  you know... the stuff we never think about... like the fact that he got headaches, vomited, hated spinach (which i'm sure he did, even though his jewish mother stood over him... and then he had bad gas for the next day or two.)  basically... how hard it must have been for Jesus to be manGOD and not G*D.  how hard it must have been for him to live "normal" every day.  not "privileged" normal, like a royal.  but "tasting the daily suckiness of life" normal... topped with an extra layer of suckiness that comes from being royal in a world of commoners.

and i somehow entered the story... or it entered me.

i found myself crying... which is pretty unusual for me these days, but which is becoming more & more frequent at interesting times.  anyway... i think i experienced Jesus' story overlapping with mine in a way i hadn't felt for a while.

it doesn't explain everything people go through.  but it does help me to better appreciate that G*D truly does understand my/our daily pain.  that he weeps for us not simply because he is aware of it... but because he, himself, lived in it... and yearns for the day we will be free from it.

why do i so quickly bypass the life of Jesus in my hurry to run to this death?  (not to diminish the value of grabbing onto that part of his pain)  but i think it's equally important for us to comprehend that he maneuvered through the same suffering you and i experience... the sufferings of life...

...from losing a friend  ...from hunger  ...from being misunderstood  ...from injustice  ...from a high-fever  ...from getting a splinter  ...from childhood rejection  ...from watching his parent's fight  ...from being blamed for something he didn't do  ...from having to do chores when he'd rather play  ...from getting a "d" in woodworking and the subsequent pain of rejection from his carpenter dad  ...from being picked on  ...from watching things happen that seemed unfair or didn't make sense  ...from temptation  ...from frustrating disciples  ...from eating spoiled fish  ...from living under foreign-domination  ...from being the first-born in a jewish home  ...from realizing you don't fit and that no one else can understand your deepest thoughts  ...from the weight of knowing you're responsible to save the world  ...from anticipating the approaching pain required to do so.

i find it interesting that whenever we encounter stories of the humanness of Jesus... we tend to quickly shift  to his divinity and rescue him from the real pain of living.  but only when we allow Jesus to be fully man will we begin to experience the comfort of knowing that G*D truly does understand what we go through.

having a friend in hard times doesn't fix or remove the pain...  although it certainly helps.

but having a friend in hard times who has felt the pain of regularly stepping on one of life's thistles like we do... well... that's even better.

and knowing that he is the Cares-About-Us-And-Will-Never-Leave-Us-Although-We-Can't-See-Him-G*D... it helps me to realize that he's got a plan to some day make it all right.

G*D anticipated our suffering... entered it... experienced it... persevered through it... attacked & overcame it... walks with us in it... will someday end it... and promises life with him beyond it.

i hate much of what i've been through in life.  i hate that my kids have & will go through that pain as well.  i hate that kids live without fathers and mothers and food and shoes and access to the medicine that could make their lives so much easier.  i hate that people are born without limbs and bodies that work properly.  i hate that the bad decisions of a few bring pain to the many.

i guess i'm saying that engaging the reality that Jesus' own skin ached whenever he fell off his desert bike somehow makes me not want to hold this world's craziness against him so much.

trust is slowly being restored.  and the story's not over.

crash... part 2... basic questions...

in my pain... there were two basic things i was wrestling with.  i guess i'm still wrestling, but with less angst.  but wrestling just the same.  i think it's the curse of post-garden life.

one... the essence of G*D's involvement in our world

two... what we can trust him to do

most people struggle with the idea of G*D because evil and suffering exist in the world.  they conclude, therefore...  that he doesn't care, isn't there, somehow has one hand tied behind his back or intended it all to happen as part of his bigger plan.

in spite of the pain... i've encountered the love of G*D through-out my life in such tangible ways that it was hard to believe that he didn't care... in spite of my present pain.  so that left either 'he isn't there and i've been dupted all these years'... or 'he is there and somehow it's all part of his good plan'... or 'he's not fully in charge for some reason'.

the more i run into people whose lives were so tangled and twisted at early ages... the more i've felt frustrated in believing the standard evangelical line that 'everyone gets what they deserve except for those who embrace Jesus, who then in the end get what they don't deserve.'  i get that we've all blown it... but the G*D i experience in Jesus (through the scriptures and otherwise) just doesn't seem consistent with the common understanding of a god who sends everyone to hell except for those who say a little prayer.

i'm not saying he couldn't or doesn't do that, but rather that it's not that simple... or as nice and neat as we advertise it to be.

i'd seen the beauty of a life transformed by Jesus.  i thought i had experienced it personally.  but the more i met people who had overcome incredible odds without Jesus... and the more "christians" i met who supposedly knew Jesus, yet whose lives seemed unchanged in the most basic ways... and the more i acknowledged my own never-ending inner struggles in spite of years of devotion and discipline... ...the more i was forced to question G*D's fairness, plan, sovereignty... and character.

one might wonder why i never questioned that before due to the extensive amount of pain in the world.  and that's a fair question. 

certainly i had. 

but i guess i'd seen enough 'miracles' come from crisis... had enjoyed such an intimate transformation personally... and had believed my loving G*D was somehow fair and just in whatever he did, that i never allowed myself to embrace the depths of humanity's condition.

but september connected me to that reality on a deeper level.  i found myself concluding that the world had gone crazy...  that we desperately needed help...  and that the plan i was sold in church, bible college & seminary was only making a small dent.  so... i concluded... maybe i've misunderstood the plan.

or... maybe there was no plan.

entertaining the latter took me places of which i'm not proud.  but i needed to go there just the same.

hmmmmm...

joejoe and i were talking in the kitchen the other night...  discussing the importance of reading the scriptures critically and formatively... at the same time.  i.e... utilizing all the tools we've been given to understand the text and allowing The Counselor to shape us through the text.

it may sound like a simple discussion, but it isn't.. and wasn't.  and yet it was.

as is often the case in our conversations... we stumbled together over a fascinating curiosity... wrapped in a question.

"when we read the scriptures, what are we seeking? 
are we seeking to know truth?  or are we seeking to know G*D?"

i always know when we've stumbled over a "good" question because he starts to salivate and his eyes turn a bit glassy. 

"aren't they the same?  isn't G*D truth?"

"certainly G*D is truth.  but truth is not G*D."

as we talked more... i realized that most of my training has focused on discovering truth.

...the truth about life
...the truth about myself
...the truth about death
...the truth about G*D
...or even the truth about what the writer meant for us to understand
...or the truth about why that particular verse or story was included in the text

but i wondered if that was how people read it before "the enlightenment".

don't through me under that postmodern bus just yet.  hear me out.

don't hear me saying that we can't know truth... or that truth is not important... or that truth doesn't inform us and shape us and help us to know G*D.

my question is... when we come to the ancient texts... or when we come to a new day, for that matter... what if our starting point was to seek to know G*D rather than to know about G*D?

some might say, "yes, of course.  but how can you know G*D unless you first know something about him?"

and maybe there's a dog chasing its tail here.  but at the same time... it seems to me that there's a huge difference between seeking to know G*D through knowing truth and seeking to know truth through knowing G*D.

is scripture the revelation of truth about G*D... or the revelation of G*D?

"both", you might say.

all i know... is that in the end, i want my kids (and everyone else for that matter) to know G*D... more than possess a knowledge of him... or self-discipline... ...more than learning contentment... or leadership & life principles... ...more than anything else that life has to offer.

some climb a tree as a scientist.  some as a philosopher.  some as an artist.  some as a kid.  some as a theologian.

lord... may i climb it as all these things... 

...but may i never climb it alone.

solitairey refinement...

beth's mom... affectionately known around our home as 'saint margaret'... enjoyed christmas with us this year.  she's amazing at trying to make it down from canada for the kid's concerts and all.  and it's always great to have her around.

often when they're together, you can find beth and her mom playing double solitaire at the dining room table.  sometimes i mistakenly refer to it as 2-handed solitaire.  but the moon family rules clearly stipulate that only one hand may be used or... you risk losing it.  sometimes the play is so ravenous that i've come close to getting a finger lopped off just in the course of a normal game!

so... in the weeks preceding her arrival... beth and i did some practicing.  or i should say... beth humored me with a few hands to tease me into thinking there's a possibility i might someday win a game.  my hand/eye coordination is sad.  so... i take whatever 'humoring' i can get.

like any card game, solitaire is as much about luck as it is skill. 

side note:  the more time you spend doing something, the greater the opportunity for it to become a pathway for the work of G*D in your life.  therefore... enter the theology part of this post.

warning: sudden shift ahead!!!

as i was writing the other day, these thoughts came to mind.

no one would take credit for "just the right" cards being turned up as play begins in a game of solitaire.  it's pure chance... unless you intentionally shuffled poorly.  and... no one would suggest that G*D ordains which cards face up and which are buried.  (well, i guess some people might.)

however, when 'play' moves beyond cards... or when the stakes are higher... many will discover they've unconsiously added a chair for G*D to join them at the game-table.  they find themselves beginning to look to him for a little assistance... or... they might begin to question his kindness when they lose a hand at whatever life-game they've found themselves playing. 

what i mean is this... the more we feel invested in something, the more we look to whatever it is we look to for help.  for some it's a lucky charm.  for others it's fate.  still others credit themselves... their fortitude, skill and determination.  and then some look to G*D.  if we've bought the popular church party-line, when good things happen we feel obligated to give G*D at least some credit for his involvement... even if we can't explain how he was involved.  strangely though... in the dark times we feel the need to blame someone (usually other than G*D) for the bad luck of the draw.  we intentionally leave him out... convinced G*D could not have been involved in something so horrific and pain-inducing.  if we choose to include him, we're quick to quote romans 8:28... and proceed to pin the dirty-work on the guy in the red suit... refusing to handcuff G*D even though he was clearly at the crime scene too.

it's interesting that biblical characters never felt this need to absolve G*D of responsibility.

usually we find a place for G*D somewhere in our courtroom pencil sketch.  we just don't know whether to draw him as a witness, judge, prosecutor, defender, juror, in the gallery... or all the above!

i'm sure discussions like these make some people cringe.  they wonder why we feel the need to blame G*D (or thank him) for what happens in life.  they criticize our convenient ability to see him behind one rock and not another. 

it's fascinating to realize that through our years and experiences each of us has constructed an intricate system of 'terms and conditions' for how G*D does and doesn't work in and around us.  but how often do we actually read the fine print before you click that little box and proceed to the next webpage?  i fear too many of our systems need 'updating'... or at least 'refreshing.'   

some of my angst these days is no-doubt directly related to my awareness of how harsh it feels to be sitting at the table when someone cavalierly fills your mug with their moonshine theology.  too often in our lust for 'the world to know' we create a church culture that unintentionally sabotages the very freedom we advertise Jesus came to bring... simply because we haven't done a walk-thru inspection of our G*D construction site recently.

for instance...

consider prayer.  how do you determine what to ask G*D for... or conversely, what things have you decided aren't worthy to bother G*D with?  and... should you be thanking him for every big & little thing?  how do you determine which things came from his hand and which didn't?

applied to faith.  is our faith journey about learning to trust G*D for everything?  are you sure that the things you're trusting G*D to do are really things that he's accepting responsibilty to handle?  does a person's mis-directed faith obligate G*D to run to their tennis court and hit their faith-ball back over their net?

and if your answer was "i don't know" to one or more of the questions above... think about this question.  what do the cliches you so easily throw around publicize as the answer to the question, "how does G*D figure in to all that happens in this world?"

some say...

"i don't concern myself with questions like that.  i just trust him."

yeah... i used to be there too.  not that i think i will ever be able to manufacture a tangle-free set of 500 christmas lights theology... or even unsnarl the string that i threw into the box last year.  all i know is the system i'd constructed reached it's load-limit a few months ago.  so i'm exploring... trying to add girders and stronger steel in hopes of being able to drive across the bridge again soon. 

but it's not simply a philosophical exercise to me. it's about living with confidence, being a man of integrity and being able to do my job with the same. 

so back to the question... how does G*D figure in to all that happens in this world?

some postulate...

1. there is no god
2. he set it in motion and then went on break
3. #2, but add that break time is almost over
4. he dabbles in our lives
5. he's goes by his own code of when to step in and when not to
6. #5, but there are some times he steps in only when we ask him to step in
7. #6, but there are certain ways you have to ask him, otherwise nothing will happen
8. we're all in a play that he wrote.  but as actors, we have some liberty within the role even though we can't change the play.
9. he has his hand on every element of life... and we are stringless puppets; but because he gave us minds, hearts, and wills, we are still responsible for our actions.
10. he has his hand on everything, but we are free to do as we please... so he's constantly responding to our decisions.
11. #10, but add a clause stipulating limitations to our freedom
12. #10 and/or #11, but clarifying that our freedom doesn't force his hand in any way.  his infinite sovereignty overrides our finite version.
13. he knows every decision we make before we make it
14. he knows every possible scenario in every possible decison... and therefore knows the ultimate result of our decisions and the end of the story... but gives freedom to us to make our own decisions to which he's constantly responding.
15. he used to be in control of it all, but is now limited in what he can do.  however, he's in the process of fixing all that.  so in the meantime, there's a war going on at head office.
16. alter, combine or create your own.

i've heard (and sometimes taught) variations of 5 through 15 in books and churches in my lifetime...  each one supported from scripture.  the conclusions are diverse and as mind-boggling as their implications.  and i haven't even added the 'satan' component yet!!!

since my scans, many have been quick to say, "praise G*D!  he answers prayers!"  by which they mean, "he answered it the way i wanted G*D to answer it".  and i know first hand what it feels like to be in a group and hear someone say it to another person when i, myself, had just received rotten news from my doc. 

insensitive?  maybe.  inconsistent?  definitely.  i've certainly never heard anyone say it at a funeral.  and i cringe at how my various friends must feel who heard it while unwrapping a very different christmas gift... ...from their hospice bed.

so i pose the question. 

when i play solitaire... am i playing by myself... or does G*D play along?