fogparty

more than a word...

some refer to him as "god"

others... "God"

still others... "g?d"

and some... "G?D"

most of us like to think we think of him as "GOD"

but of course, some suggest he's "god?" or even "???"

while a few laugh and say "000"

but i find it helpful to think of him as "G*D"

so often... too often... we use terms for The Uncreated ONE so casually.  we fail to connect our thoughts and our hearts to the image behind the word.  we do to G*D what we would never do to someone we love... that is... we de-image them. 

i once met a lady scooting down the hall of a nursing home.  the orthodox cross she wore around her neck betrayed a bit of her history.  but like words, sometimes we wear images that suggests a connection that isn't there... or is less than the image we wear advertises.

as we talked... i commented on her necklace, and asked, "what does Jesus mean to you?"

the eyes that had previously been fixed on mine, slowly drifted beyond me... and i could tell she was transported to someplace in the past or future... or both.  they began to redden... glisten...  ...and after what seemed like a minute or two... i heard her whisper just one word.

"everything"

but i got the feeling she wasn't talking with me anymore... but to someONE far more engaging.

we were talking with our kids the other day about their names... and why we chose each one.  most of them are names of family members or friends.  special people... whose images don't exactly pop into our minds every time we call one of our kids for dinner or "encourage" them to pick up their clothes.  but... we think about those people pretty often just the same... ...mainly because their names have a bedroom and regularly clean out the fridge. 

and i guess the fact that we marked one of our children with their image suggests that we wanted their significant to invade us regularly and continue beyond our last breaths.

i met jesus the other day.  he lives not too far from me in a house with his wife and kids.  i wonder what his parents were thinking when they gave him his name.

i want Jesus to live in my house.

diamonds in the... ...ralph?

sometimes faith is resting from the fight.

sometimes it's resting while you fight.

and sometimes it's fighting to find rest.

yesterday beth drove me back to u of m for labs and the i.v. hydration routine that's become standard after my treatments.  i've almost come to the point of becoming physically ill when i walk into the place.  i can't wait for this to be over and to feel somewhat normal.  i refuse to allow myself to think about the possibility that the end of this cancer chapter is anything but near.

for some reason my stomach doesn't seem to be bouncing back quite as quickly this round.  i've convinced myself that almost any other symptom would be better than the sick feeling in my gut.  not quite bad enough to make me hurl... but enough to continually remind me that it's there.  of course... there are a lot worse things that could be happening.  as ian's been telling people lately when they ask how i'm doing... "dad's just sick & tired of being sick & tired."

at the same time... i have to admit that i'm noticing a shift these days.  it feels almost like a depressing reality being fundamentally altered by a sense that G*D is strangely present... and up to something wonderful.

on one hand... i'm useless these days.  of course that's not true... but it is how i feel. 

1. i have no energy.  (tuesday i convinced myself i could make a quick trip to the store.  fool that i am!)
2. my memory is so sketchy these days that beth has to continually cover for me in conversations. 
3. i feel incapable of doing any of the standard things around the home that used to reassure me that in some sense "i'm still head of the household." 
4. more is getting done (and in my areas of responsibility!) in the few months that i've been away frm my job at ww than i managed to accomplish in the 2 years i'd been there before. 
5. all... and i do mean "all" of my body muscle is melting away.  (and as you know, i wasn't exactly "arnold" before all this.) 

i'll stop there.

on the other hand...  ...i'm not depressed about all this (or at least i'm not at the moment)

...just last night i was thinking about some very cool things G*D is doing in me... in our family... in our church.  hard times... but good times.  how can i not but fall to my knees and give thanks?

although... it's all very humbling... and painfully remindful that i have very little control over the fruit that magically explodes onto the branches around me... or doesn't.

it's all a gift.

always was... always will be.

we just get to unwrap it from time to time.

and other times... all we can do is watch.

either way... it's our pleasure to delight in the creativity and craftsmanship of The Artist.

blue notes...

aaaahhhh... each day feels a bit better.  to continue with the metaphor i used in my last post... i think the tips of my toes are finally skimming the sand beneath me. 

doc emailed me late last night to tell me my labs from yesterday were good... except for the platelets... and if i have any problems, i need to come in for a transfusion. 

so far so good. 

however... i'll stay on beth's good side just in case she might be tempted to come after me with the kitchen knife or something.  so glad she no longer sleep walks and talks, like she did when we were first married.  scarey stuff... but funny too.

over the last few days as things have been getting clearer (or at least they feel like they are)... i've been sipping on the reality that even though during this chemo labyrinth there are times when i am stretching my neck out as far as i can to keep my mouth above water... while at the same time futilely attempting to find some sense of how far the ocean floor is beneath my little tootsies... my sippy-straw revelation is that those times of mid-atlantic instability serve to remind me that a truer reality holds me even in those times, making me infinitely as secure as if i am sitting underneath an umbrella on the beach.

the parallel reality of the Christ-follower involves both security and self-discipline.  the two appear to be organically independent pieces of art, yet co-exist for me in a reality that is experienced more than understood.  however, i find it challenging to experience them at the same time.  so too often i flip-flop to the one that best fits my circumstances at the time... and usually to the expense of the other. 

most of us do this all the time.  for example... logically, one can't be secure in Jesus if salvation has anything to do with us.  or... if religion is mostly about self-discipline, then grace (the merciful work of G*D) is robbed of its meaning.  so... to resolve things, often we just speak of "grace" when it comes to justification, salvation or anytime we feel inadequate... and swith to "self-discipline" when we talk about sanctification or things that seem reasonable in the process of our personal maturation. 

helpful maybe... but probably unhealthful (new word).  it think this is another fogtrine (another new word i just made up)... referring to a doctrine that is accepted & orthodox... and truly accurate and essential, while at the same time incomplete because our traditional definitions take us to ruts in our thinking that make it hard for us to enjoy any melodic dissonance in reality.  (theorizing is a whole lot easier than living it)

but more and more i'm enjoying and comprehending the importance of that dissonance... instead of trying to resolve it in my inner ear.  scripture is filled with it, in my opinon... as well as the teachings of the classic writers of the faith.

anyway... getting back to practicality... one of the main benefits of this journey through cancer... especially in weeks like i've just come through... is a greater awareness of the seeming inconguities in this life with G*D. 

...of how important it is for my mind to be fixed on him whenever it has the capacity to be fixed, but... how completely bear-hugged i am by G*D even in times of incompetence, undiscipline or rebellion...  ...without losing sight of the very real dangers of falling into sloth, foolishness or carnality of any kind... ...yet filled with amazement at the avalanche of G*D's love and power that hopelessly engulfs me whether strong or immature... ...topped with the necessity of my own earnest devotion...

...well, hopefully you get the picture.

and hopefully... ...all this begins to produce a peaceful tenacity in my life.  and a tenacious peacefullness.

doo-be-doo-be-doo

(this post has been steeping all week.  so if it’s a bit strong for some of you… sorry.  i’m not sure it’s even fully flavored, but i have to get it out before tomorrow.)

last sunday, a friend asked me what i had done with all my time over these past weeks while off work and in this treatment phase?  had i been reading a lot?  watching movies?  what?

it’s a simple question… and he meant no harm in asking it.  but i hated my answer, which was…  “well… i’m not sure.”

talking with some friends later about it, one told me that guys actually have a space in their brains that allows them to think about nothing.  i’m not sure that’s comforting to know, but i will admit that most of my days just seem to have vanished.  i can recall bits of things i’ve done, but to be frank… not much.  that’s depressing for someone who struggles with getting his self-esteem from “doing.”  if there’s anything this leg should be reminding me is that “doing” isn’t the only thing that matters in life.  and chemo definitely doesn’t leave me with much focus or energy to do anything even if i had the idea to do it.  so… i guess i’ve written myself an excuse slip from the do thing right now.

i didn’t think much about that until this week.  this week has been different.

since i’m feeling better… i realize that for the first time in a long while, i actually have the freedom to choose what to do with my time.  i have some control back.  no continuous jittery feeling deep down in my bones...  …and the ability to keep my attention on something for longer than 5 seconds.  i once again have control over what i stick in my mouth, what i watch, what i do with the energy i have, who i talk with, the words that fly out of my mouth, and what i choose to think about. 

and that’s where the trouble lies this week.  sadly… some of my “do” reveals the “be” part of me is out of whack as well.  with the freedom has come susceptibility to all kinds of temptation… and i’m a real grump to be around at times.  basically, it seems i’m all too willing to hand over my re-found control to my whims and feelings of the moment… be it eating that whole box of chocolates, snapping at my kids, or whatever avoiding responsibility looks like.

so, unfortunately, that renewed sense of control is exposing just how out of control i’ve gotten over these last months.  my words and heart betray that it’s been a while since the old car has been started… so it’s running kind of rough, i guess.

i’m sure there are psychological explanations for all of this… and i’m trying not to be too hard on myself… but the important thing all this helps me remember is just how dependent i am on G*D.  i truly hate the feeling of not sensing his presence filling most moments.  i miss the awareness of his mind regularly disrupting my own thoughts and his heart pumping new blood through my clogged veins to transmogrify a disoriented me… along with a disoriented world.  that’s what LIFE is. 

this week i realize i not only want my life back… i want LIFE back!!!

but i’m also waking up to the reality of how difficult it is to follow G*D when the days feels more like you’re in the front seat of a toboggan careening down a snow packed hill dead on track to hit the only tree within a square mile.

so i don’t think i need to loosen my guilt belt.  it’s just that before i head right back into my chemo funk tomorrow and re-engage that male “nothingness” part of my brain… i figure it’s a good bet that there just might be one or two things G*D wants to say to me during this time of semi-clarity.  so all this rambling is just me trying to listen.

so here’s what i’m thinking… and someone please remind me to read this post again in a few weeks.

i’ve spent a good part of this week being frustrated with my inability to tow truck my heart, body and mind back to the spot where i felt good about everything… before all this happened… when i felt like life was more than getting through cancer…  when it felt like i was more like a living Jesus than a person trying to follow Jesus and miserably failing.  but i’m being reminded that although discipline is a great thing...  and there’s no question that in a life of following G*D, “trying” and “training” are essential… …self-discipline alone just doesn’t make for a transformed life.  following the teachings of Jesus and making wise choices doesn’t lead to the kind of LIFE G*D sent his son for us to experience.  it’s limited in how much of our core it can recalibrate.  and beyond that… this week reminds me of how totally defiant i can be to my own transformation.

so… i’m reminded how important surrender is in this life-fog.  i can’t fake surrender.  i can’t make surrender happen.  sure i can place myself in a posture of surrender… where i am cognizant of what i need to do.  i can even make the choice to obey Jesus or some teaching in scripture based on my intellectual agreement with it or confidence in the wisdom of G*D… but no matter what i do or how much i do… i know deep down inside whether my heart is in love with G*D or if it’s corroded.  activity is only one side of spirituality.

so when i come out of the thick fog again in a few weeks… somebody please kick me if you see me trying to muscle my way back from some place i think i should be beyond.  discipline is good… but i never can out grow my need of his power.  i might as well just start off by falling flat on my face and admitting my inability to love him… or look anything like someone who’s truly in love with him.  i’m just too selfish.  i need him to lead me to that place of crying “uncle” from the center of my being.  i need him to do whatever he needs to do to remove the leprosy from my skin… the scales from my eyes… and driven-ness from my persona; because surrendering to his consuming love and grace changes everything.  it restores all the possibilities and gives me new options of doing and being.

and from that island of humility… as i respond to whatever the one thing is he asks me to think about… or do...

…and as i chase it all down with self-discipline and training in godliness…

…may i always be honest with myself… and recognize who stood at the top of that hill and gave my toboggan that shove…

…and then jumped on with me for the ride to the very end.

i don’t want to live a normal life again…

…ever.

part two... ...both/and

by the way... i wrote most of this before my last post.

this place where i find myself is an interesting one.

almost every week, my situation looks bleaker... at least from a medical perspective.  if you've looked at any stats about melanoma... you quickly find that the survival rate for my type and stage of cancer is pretty low.  not that survival is unheard of... it's just not likely.

and the longer things go... the worse they look.

but let's spin it a different direction.  these cancer cells have been in my body for 16+ years.  so from that angle... even if i died today, i've already defied the odds.  on top of that, their knowledge of treating cancer has greatly increased over those years.  so, from a medical perspective, you might say i have a better chance of beating it now than ever before.

from a spiritual perspective, things look even better.  i choose to take the perspective that G*D not only created the world... but that he remains active in the world.  now i can't say a whole lot more than that.  for instance... i don't know where he draws the line when deciding what he will and won't do.  and i'm not a fatalist.  i believe he is both pro-active and responsive... and that he calls us into a relationship with him that is dynamic... interactive.  so... he invites us to a dance...  to engage him in our perceived reality.  to ask.  to trust.

because i believe G*D to be all-powerful, i believe he is able to do anything.  because i believe him to be completely wise, i believe he knows what is best in even the most complex situations.  because i believe G*D to be infinitely loving, i believe he treats me with respect and dignity and compassion.  because i believe G*D is transcendent, i believe his ways are ultimately above our ability to completely understand.  because i believe there was great purpose behind his son dying on that cross, i believe he is in the process of restoring all things... making everything right... and using us in the process.

which brings me back to the importance of thinking through the practical implications of our faith.

if my faith is a "faith for" kind of faith rather than a "faith in" kind... at some point i may be forced to let go of that thing i'm having faith for G*D to do... like, when it is clear that G*D isn't going to do it.  at some point "reality" meets "faith for" and one has to bow to the other.  either the thing we've been praying for becomes reality... or reality overides the thing we've been praying for.  at those times, denial can numb us to the inevitable... but eventually we may have to stare it in the face.

when i have "faith in" kind of faith... reality doesn't change my faith.  the two coexist... and my faith in G*D allows me to rise above my circumstances without denying them.  (ironically, that actually alters my reality even if the facts don't change)

but at some point the boxing match between "faith for" and "reality" has to end with a winner.  while "faith in" is always the champ.

but i'm getting off track...  ...sorry.

obviously, even though i'm a "faith in" kind of guy... i'm still asking G*D to physically heal me.  i have no question that G*D can do it.  but i have no clue as to whether or not he will in the way i want him to.  i'm humbled by the other ways he's already healed me in these circumstance... (click here to see my post on "a developing theology of healing" if you're curious as to what i mean.  up to this point in my journey, G*D has brought healing to my life in almost every other way than the physical)

so even though i'm primarily a "faith in" kind of guy... i still have "faith for" G*D to do some amazing things.  one is a faith built on my confidence in G*D's character.  the other is a faith born out of desire.  a child jumps off the edge of the pool and into the water because she is confident her dad is strong enough to catch her.  faith in.  a child keeps asking for a pony because she is convinced she really really needs it and that her dad loves her.  faith for.

both are active kinds of faith.  verbs.

so... i keep asking G*D to heal me because i think i really really should stick around a bit longer. faith for.  but beneath my asking is a thicker layer that reminds me to rest in the wisdom and love of G*D to ultimately do what he decides to do.  faith in.

but don't be confused.

G*D invites us into both a "faith in" and "faith for" relationship.

leave one or the other out... and you don't really have a relationship.

so... in all of our life circumstances... we trust... and we ask... and we trust... and we ask... and we trust... the two must go hand in hand for those who follow Jesus.

sometimes the hard part is to keep asking without slipping into demanding faith or angry faith or frustrated faith or formula faith or "this verse says you have to" faith or "i know better than you" faith or convincing faith.  we stop trusting him... and simply become "trusting him for" kind of people... or worse.  (disclaimer: i think we travel through all of these faith forms in our lives.  it's the story of scripture)

sometimes the harder part is to keep on asking... especially when things look bleak.  we give up on his love and wisdom.  we get frustrated that he doesn't seem to be doing what we want him to do... or he's not doing it fast enough... or the way we would do it!  or... we surrender to what we believe to be the inevitable will of G*D... sometimes we fall into despair.  (disclaimer: these too are normal in our faith development journey and probably inevitable at times.  i'm thankful G*D is patient and understanding.)

but in doing so, we may miss the very thing G*D is doing that has remained beyond our grasp... although it may look different that our request.  often in hindsight we recognize and laugh at the way G*D has chosen to answer the heart of our prayer rather that our words... and in ways that were more wonderful than we could have dreamed or imagined or asked for.

i think the hardest part... at least for me at times and especially now... may be in trusting and asking until i can see the answer.  if he's gonna say "no", i'd rather hear it sooner than later so i can readjust my thinking... or if the answer is "yes", i always think it's more fun to sit excitedly anticipating what his "yes" will look like in all its magnificence. 

sometimes he shows his hand.  usually he doesn't.  for too many years i fought the dark... the waiting... the fog.

but in the "both/and"... in the waiting... lies the sweetness of intimacy with the Almighty.  there the music plays that quickens my feet for the dance.  there the party begins.

there in his lap he holds me in my uncertainty... and the pounding in his chest reminds me that he is excited to be with me... and for the future that lies ahead for us both. 

he delights in my requests. 

i rest in the beat of his heart... ...and wait.

part one... ...the fight?

most of my posts are developed in a matter of minutes.  something grabs hold of my mind and you get the benefit of my unfiltered thoughts and emotions.  but over the last couple of weeks, i've been working on a post that has forced me to wrestle... with how to articulate my thoughts... with whether my thoughts were worth articlating... with whether i agreed with my thoughts.  eventually i came to realize there were several different posts... related, but separate.  this is the first.

a few months ago... when i moved from "healthy" to "unhealthy" in people's minds... i began noticing subtle but interesting changes in the language and posture of many around me.

of course, some opted out of the conversation immediately.  just too uncomfortable.  i guess that's normal and to be expected.  i understand and love them anyway.

for many others i was curiously and suddenly drafted to the "frontlines"... "fighting"... "battling"... "in the middle of a war" for my life.  unconsciously i'm sure, i felt people loading 2 things onto my back... desperation and responsibility.  they felt i had to do something... and i had to do it now!  i had to fight.

"it was like i was in a dream. it was dark... and a mist surrounded me.  when suddenly the fog separated to reveal 3 objects lying on the ground at my feet.  not knowing what the beast was like that waited for me in the long journey ahead... i picked them all up... assuming they each must have value for my enemy's demise... even though they were heavy and i felt clumsy as i carried them.

one... prayer (what i'd come to view as the simple conversations with G*D about all of life's joys, struggles and details) was different somehow.  now it was a "weapon" that required special insight, understanding, training, expertise and diligence in order to ensure my "victory".

two... education. i needed to prepare my mind by learning everything i could about my disease, its cause, options for treatment, etc. was another key to victory...  including every doctor, every treatment & home remedy that has helped a cousin's neighbor's friend's aunt. 

three... positive thinking... and/or being convinced that G*D would heal me... was the other essential element to a successful war strategy.  many religious & non-religious called it "faith".  losing was not to be considered as a possibility if i wanted to win, that is.  if things weren't heading in the right direction in my fight... a ruthless self-examination was required to root out anything negative/sinful (after all... that is "the secret").  or... i had to "believe harder", and refuse to be double-minded / believe without doubting... just hold on a little longer... god is testing you to see if you can hold on before he blesses you with this healing.  don't give up.

if i was going to win this war.  i had to fight for my life... at all levels.  or so i was told.

i get the reasoning behind this shift to a war mentality for situations like mine... and agree that each of the big 3 have their place... and that there are many helpful/important elements of truth behind these postures.  but now that i'm the one fighting the war, i see that individually and collectively, these things place a whole lot of pressure on already burdened people... putting them in a "win-lose" sporting event... and making them responsible for things beyond their complete control.  sending them on an endless quest for information. 

worst of all... they potentially lure the sufferers away from the peace and strength that could be theirs if their confidence was instead in the One who is wise and good and more than able to fight (and win) on my behalf.  the One who is much bigger than the simple drama of my life... and much wiser than my personal wishes.

that doesn't mean one should not fight.  maybe it's just fighting differently. 

experientially for me these days... now that it's taking so long for me to "win", i'm living the weaknesses in the thinking of our culture... christian and non-christian.  i see the discomfort in the eyes and emails of many.  and while much of that is concern as my situation continues... i think i'm also observing a hopelessness that goes beyond concern for my health.  something that exposes the cracks in their/our thinking... ... as well as the terminology that thinly masks it.

i'm beginning to realize that for many people, christians and otherwise, the "war against illness" is ultimately about their war against death.  to many, death is failure.  it's disappointing... it's embarrassing... awkwardly protruding out of an otherwise neatly shrink-wrapped theology or worldview.  we're supposed to win!  aren't we?  and of course, when people die... we wouldn't dare say "they're a failure."  but that's exactly what we are doing when we heap on their backs a responsibility to "win" when its something that is beyond their complete control.

G*D invites us to LIFE that is different than positive thinking or even formulaic christianity.  LIFE is what we experience when we live in the presence of G*D at all times.

if i'm involved in a fight, it's a personal fight to keep placing my confidence in G*D when things aren't going the direction i'd prefer.  that's the fight i don't want to lose... so to speak.  because to lose it leads me to a place far worse than death.  desperation and responsibility ultimately lead to hopelessness when we face things too big for us to control.  but the fight to keep my faith in G*D as God even when i'm tempted to become consumed with my circumstances is a fight that is within my power to win.  and it's G*D's desire for me as well. 

following Jesus is more about living out my hope in G*D, than it is hoping that G*D will do what i want.

so... although my current reality definitely involves pain at all levels... even though i have a responsibility to do what i can... i recognize that my basic life choice still comes down to whether or not i'm going to trust G*D... or trust something else.  that's why Jesus is so important to me.  he began helping me see G*D differently... understanding him to be someone big enough, loving enough, wise enough and close enough to begin to trust. 

slowly he trained me in a faith that was more about trusting him... ...than about trusting him for.

live with that kind of faith... ... add cancer, pain, unemployment or any other real life difficulty... and nothing really changes...

except...

...you're never alone.

...your hope, peace or joy aren't contingent upon your circumstances.

...you can fight with G*D's strength pumping through your veins

...you can see the good in what seems so evil.

...you can trust G*D for your family and friends and dreams.

...you can live without the pre-occupation of needing to find, do, buy, swallow, inhale, believe, abandon or pray the one thing that will make all the pain disappear.

...you can live each day free to live for G*D instead of yourself.

...you can laugh at your cancer... knowing that it can never beat you.

Lord... i do trust you.  help my untrust.

a challenging read...

a friend forwarded me this article by an old professor of mine, scot mcknight, who was at teds when i was there.  he tried to teach me greek.

anyway...  scot has an excellent blog and has written some great books too.  he's probably one of the few true scholars i know who understands the movement commonly called "emerging".  and that's probably why i think this article is one of the best i've seen for explaining a complicated movement that has tended to be misunderstood and underestimated...

and... he's not afraid to tell the good and the not so good.  which is why i'm excited that scot's going to be a presenter at an itsy-bitsy-teeny-weeny-incredibly-creative pastors conference we're putting on this june.  should be good.

if you care to read... or want to understand why a guy my age would move into a church like westwinds... here's the link.

warning...  since scot is a scholar and the issues he's discussing are not the normal everyday things most people talk about over football... most may find it challenging to understand... some will find it disturbing... and most will enjoy reading it about as much as they like reading their dictionary.  i guess that officially makes the 2% of us who like and understand it "geeks".

a developing theology of healing...

okay… another rambling post that’s more for me than for anyone else…

so many people want me to be well.  that’s a wonderful thing.  however… the uncomfortably tricky thing about melanoma is that there’s no way to clearly tell if you’re cured.  there aren’t “levels” to indicate it’s moving in one direction or another.  you either have it or you don’t.  and even if you do… it may look like you don’t… until it shows up again and it becomes clear that you had it all along.

i was talking with a friend yesterday about how quickly we want to get to the end of the story.  we want to live in the castle after the fairy tale wedding rather than in the little house with the big bad wolf.  (unless you’re like some of my sick friends who thrive on horror movies) 

i think to some degree we’re all or nothing christians.  we want the G*D of miracles so badly that too often we miss him in the common. on the other hand… we too easily give up on asking for the unexplainable and settle for the probable.

a lot of it comes down to what we believe Jesus came to do.

forgive… restore… heal… transform… release… make fresh… unify… …yes… all those things and more.

so… i’ve been wrestling with what i believe about G*D and healing…  because… to limit G*D to one way of healing is to limit G*D… and miss out on enjoying him and praising him in what we didn’t see him doing.  as you might expect… i’m asking G*D to teach me whatever he wants me to learn… and as a result… he’s opening my eyes to a much broader theology of healing than i’ve settled for previously.

i guess this betrays that i believe there are multiple ways G*D brings healing.

the unexplainable…

these healings go beyond understanding.  they baffle doctors and science.  they don’t make sense within the realm of the natural.  these are the fun stories that we all pray for and love to hear… even though sometimes we wonder if they’re always true or quite as amazing as we’ve been told.  these are the easiest to give credit to G*D for because we frankly don’t have a better explanation.  even then… some pass them off as flukes or anything other than G*D… desperate not to believe.

the surprising…

these are the things that happen that aren’t completely unimaginable… but they are amazing.  they bring a smile and a sense of relief because they weren’t anticipated.  and those of us living in the realm of faith are certain G*D had something to do with it. those who don’t… are certain he didn’t.

medically…

when good things happen as a result of medicine or science.  what?  you don’t think G*D had anything to do with the developments of science and the human brain?  i shudder to think how many times i’ve considered a medical healing as less than a miraculous healing… almost like it defeated “the cause” somehow.  how appalling it must be to G*D when we ignore his hand in the explainable.  LORD, forgive me.

naturally…

i’ll include here everything from natural medicines, positive thinking, the love of good friends and family… as well as drinking water, eating healthy and exercise (not sure if windex counts here).  and of course i can’t forget to include our amazing immune systems that are constantly working to help our bodies heal themselves.  who do you think created all those things?

through props & orthopedics…

when our burdens aren’t removed physically, but we’re given strength to carry them… through friends, encouragement, the smile of a child or the beauty of a leaf, laughter, peace or simply and profoundly a sense of the very presence of G*D next to us… although not the normal perspective on healing… still healing just the same in my mind.

partly…

after all… we all die at some point.  if physical healing were to be the norm for every follower in every situation… we would never experience physical death.  so… when we experience healing on any level… even partial… we enjoy the appetizers waiting for us at the feast… around the table of The King.

familial…

sometimes the disease forces people to push through anger, silence or hatred that previously separated them.  the healing is more relational than physical.  can anyone suggest these are less significant?

mental…

not just psychological… but the healing of dysfunctional ways of thinking and seeing… the damage of cultures and generations of misunderstanding life and G*D and others.  how we’ve grown insensitive to this sickness that saturates our lives.  could it be that this is in one sense the ultimate healing for this life?  the ability to see things as they truly are?

between ourselves and G*D…

often disease invites us to take fresh looks at our lives and come to terms with the reality that we are falling short of living with & for The One Who Made Us.  we recognize an emptiness that calls us beyond the temporal… and… if we’ll let it… guides us to the one relationship that is more wonderful than all others.  such a healing is surely worth more than them all combined.

death…

i’m somewhat ashamed to say that it’s only recently that i’ve come to understand the beauty of dying.  but when i allow myself to look beyond the event… to what dying accomplishes… i can begin to see it just as legitimate… just as amazing… just as surprising… just as unbelievable a thing that G*D has put into place to repair things… to make things right.   the ultimate restoration.  but when’s the last time i praised G*D for death… except when it brought relief from suffering and pain or old age?  too often i begrudgingly give praise for the very thing that ushers us beyond the frailty of the life that we’ve learned to hold to so tightly.

interestingly enough… i see a thread through my feeble list.  a thread that encourages me to realize that healing is not the destination… but the tunnel through which we must pass to all things good… to him… to life here in the kingdom.

i’m sure there are more… more ways in which his brow sweats from redemptive labor.  seeing the limitless work of G*D around me gives new life to my prayers… adds new hope to my yearnings… and brings new opportunity for my worship and praise.

LORD… let me see YOU in all the glimpses of your love… not just the ones that strike me as amazing.  let me never settle for one facet of your wonder.

both and...

i’m reading through the book of acts these days.  fascinating...

sadly… i think it’s one of those books that gets shoved to the side and ignored because it either scares people into living in the freezer… or makes them fall over backwards inside an arena filled with thousands of “similarly susceptible to mind-control from crazy guys just wanting your attention and moolah” people.

either response is sad, because the book offers something critical to those who desire to live life with G*D.  i have to confess in all honesty… in the hundreds of times i’ve been asked “where should i read in the bible?”… i don’t think i’ve once recommended “acts” as a good place to start.  maybe i’m afraid they can’t handle it.  maybe i think it might scare them or make them crazy.  so… i guess i’m no different.  but this morning my reading got me thinking about something.

throughout my years i’ve been encouraged to read “acts” in one of two ways… either pre-scriptively or de-scriptively.  the first suggesting it tells us the amazing work that G*D wants to do through us everyday… what it looks like to live in the kingdom.  how it was then is how is should be today.  the second suggests it’s more of an intriguing historical record of the movement of G*D at one point in time… amazing and powerful, but certainly not the gold standard to measure current life and ministry against.

me?  i think this is one of those “both and” times that are a bit confusing to people who’ve been trained to see everything as green or red… left or right… good or bad… right or wrong.

i think the book of acts is describing how 1^st century G*D followers followed G*D in the 1^st century… their circumstances… their reality.  it’s the story of how they interacted with the movement of G*D according to their understanding of him… according to their personalities, emotions, intellects and circumstances.  and it tells the story of G*D interacting with them according to what he knew was important for them to experience and understand at the time.

but it’s also prescriptive in the sense that today our lives should be characterized by that same engagement and interaction… living in and with the presence of G*D. 

but i don’t think the results will be the same.  we can expect G*D to be moving in and around us… but in old ways and new ones…  …according to what he knows is good and right and best for these days in which we live.

so… reading “acts” with the both/and perspective reminds me that today is full of possibility because it’s full of G*D. 

and when i ask G*D to fill me up with his presence… anything can happen.

anything.

a glorious ruin...

one of the tracks that dick keyes suggested i consider at l'abri... was sin.

i must admit that initially i wasn't interested in pursuing that line of study. i wanted to get right to my study of hell and who goes there. i already "get" sin.

sure... i've noticed a reduction of sin talks over the last decade or so. even more so in the emergent discussion. we don't tend to talk about specific sins so much anymore... we want people to connect with their need for Jesus, and thankfully we don't coerce guilt. today, we talk about rescuing people from the "consequences of their behavior"... giving us the life we always wanted. we talk in generalities about wrong. but we talk more about experiencing freedom and forgiveness. most people know something's not right in their life. we offer a Jesus who makes things right.

hmmmmm...

but my diversion to study "sin" led me to think about the implications of our current 0 carbs view of the bad stuff. it helped me connect with my/our tendency to deny... to blame shift... to excuse... to focus simply on the good and ignore ugliness.

my experience suggests that we lean toward obsession.

we either rant so much against sin that people get the impression that there is absolutely nothing good inside any of us. or we completely deny the dark side in us all... and society. we are appalled at the horrible stories in the paper... the fanatic agenda... the haggard explosion... the real life c.s.i. stories... ...but we can't seem to admit that we, ourselves have something in common with those people.

how do we hold these two realities in tension?

francis schaeffer referred to man as the "glorious ruin." we are both "glorious" and "ruined"... ...at the same time. so while i may have a bent to drift to one extreme or the other... holding them both is a necessary tension.

i must be speechless at the image of G*D in every person... in myself... in my kids... in the serial killer... everyone.

i must be speechless at the carnage in everyone... myself... my kids... mother teresa... everyone.

only then can i begin to gain understanding of eternal things... like hell... like salvation.

what i do know... thinking about the wonder and depravity of humanity helps me look at people differently. in a good way... it helps me not beat myself (or others) up so much when i fail or feel weak. i can't allow myself to disfigure the splendor still stamped on my soul. at the same time... it makes me look for the good in those who are the most despicable... including myself when i disgust myself. it also keeps me from raising myself above or lowering below... and reminds me of how desperately we all need redemption... how hard it is for us to admit we need it... and how easily we trade away.

as it relates to hell... i'm not sure of all the implications. but at this point it helps me engage the extreme love and justice of G*D... and refuses to allow me to fall to one side or the other.

whatever my conclusions about life after this one... those conclusions must consider the full personality and character of G*D. the ending is beyond my ability to comprehend it. and maybe always will be... at least in this life.

G*D... grant me contentment in knowing and following YOU... in spite of all that i can't know or comprehend.